Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on January 3, 2011 at 6:28pm

Hi Connie,

It also hurts even more now for me as well, and my love for Danny is even greater since.    My therapist, and Hospice grief counselor leader, and I've heard from a Christian medium (all 3 of them) said our relationship just changes so we don't have to really say 'goodbye.'   Unless your talking about in the physical sense.  I was a few feet away sitting, and writing down the 3 medications that I would be administering to Danny in the early morning of 1/22/10 because he was taking 9 but couldn't/wasn't able to take them all anymore when Danny breathed his last.  As it is very common for those grieving to always, always have regrets and guilt, I myself will always find it hard that I wasn't holding his hand (I had held his hand many many days in a row and talking to him, that I loved him for weeks before this fateful day) but I really thought that he would start breathing again because the nurse said that this happens.  I read someone was able to lie with their spouse until the end, but all Dan's sisters and our family were here so I never said a goodbye nor did he and I wish I had words with him, but then I think I wouldn't want to live with the knowledge that he knew that I knew he was leaving.  His eldest sister was the last who spoke to him, telling him, we're all here, and you know Sue is always here, I thought maybe it was meant to be that way.  I don't know how anyone can tell me to move on with my life with all these delayed images just because I'm still physically alive.  Also, I agree that the quiet of each moment is unbearable, and I really want to stay living here in this apartment where we spent our 30 years together.  I also still wear my wedding rings as I still consider myself married.  I guess we all have different perspectives.  I am already having 2 Masses said for Danny on that day that will be imbedded in my heart, but I was alluding to a 3rd Mass and thought to myself what would Danny want me to do, so I am sticking with the 2.  It was just a bit of humor there, because I remember at the Medium's 'Postcard from Heaven" Show that I attended she is known for saying to people that their husband (jokingly) is saying to the wife 'What, is this how you're spending my money' followed by laughs from the audience.  In any case, I agree with you, it is still very hard, we just have to go through these feelings, somehow, and maybe one day we will be at peace.

God bless,

Suzanne

 

Dear Hurting,

I agree with you that all our pain is the same for everyone and I certainly was not ready for this.  But then who is?    I totally agree also that everyone, and I mean everyone, my 2 sons included have their lives, their children, Dan's nieces, nephews and sisters all loved him so very much, you could see it in their eyes and I can't get over how they are not going through it the same way we are.  After all, our spouse's were with us 24/7 and we relied on each other, we went to bed together, and woke up together, so it's only natural that we feel it more deeply, but nonetheless it is still very strange to me that the young ones are talking with each other on facebook, taking trips, going out with their wives/husband having a good time, so it is easier for them to forget how we are feeling.  I don't blame them, nor do I blame God, because as hard as this mountain is we climb, I still know in my head that we are all going to live with God one day after this test called Life.  We are all going in the same direction.  Life isn't fair.  I believe that God doesn't make things happen, because we are all mortal, we sometimes do things to each other and do things to ourselves because of man's will.  That's the price for the gift of free will that I believe God gave us.  Well, enough preaching.  Just know that I really and truly know how you feel because I feel it too.  Please take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

 

 

Permalink Reply by mary baker eatough on January 3, 2011 at 7:03pm

Dear Hurting...

  I lost my husband over a year ago now,seems like it happened just yesterday, and I feel your pain. It has bothered me when people tell me they know what I am going thru or they understand how I feel, but I truely understand how you feel. My husband passed away unexpectedly, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I would have done something differently so that I would have been there when he passed away. I often feel like I would have closer if it would have been me there with him, but honestly I don't think that I would feel any differently than I do right now...he is gone, and I didn't get to say good-bye. I was so shocked at first, thinking it wasn't real...that I would wake up and it was all a dream, then I made myself believe that he was at work (he worked on a tug boat) & that he would be home in 28 days, then I became angry at him, that he left me...that he gave up on me...now, I wake up everyday to silence...I live for my kids but can not find happiness even then. I cry myself to sleep, I go thru the what if's everyday.

  I can't tell you it will get better, and I ask why me too, did I cause this horrible pain and emptiness by some decision I made at some point in my life, who could ever deserve such sadness and who can live thru it and learn from this? I just don't get it...maybe we are not meant to understand, and why can I not talk to my husband or he talk to me like others have said? My best advice...one long day at a time.

 

Mary
Hurting said:

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.  Some of you experienced what I have.  Some of you did get a chance to get good bye but it doesn't seem that your pain is any less then mine.  So what I want to know is why does God do this?  I was not ready physically, mentally, emotionally or financially to deal with all this on my own.  When you are partners you get used to dealing with all the life's up & down together and lean on each other as needed.  This is probably one of the worst time in my life and I can't lean on him anymore.....  I have lot of my family and his family but doesn't seem like anybody else is effected by it.  I think that's what probably made my own pain so much harder to bear. If there is God, I just want to ask him - Why Me?????

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on January 5, 2011 at 8:31pm

DEAR HURTING, I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME. AT LEAST YOU FOUND THIS SITE TO COME TOO, KNOWING EVERYONE ON HERE UNDERSTANDS HOW YOU FEEL IF THAT IS ANY CONSOLATION. IN FEB. IT WILL BE A YEAR FOR ME, SINCE LOOSING MY HUSBAND AND IN ALOT OF WAYS IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY 3 MONTHS AFTER BEING DIAGNOISED WITH CANCER. NEITHER OF US EVER FULLY REALIZED THE SERIOUSNESS OF IT ALL. MAYBE WE WERE IN SUCH DENIAL. TOWARDS THE LAST COUPLE WEEKS OF HIS LIFE, HE COULDNT EVEN COMMUNICATE WITH ME. I DID HOWEVER SIT BESIDE HIS HOSPITAL BED AND TELL HIM I LOVED HIM AND THAT IT WAS OK FOR HIM TO GO ON TO BE WITH THE LORD AND I WOULD SEE HIM AS SOON AS I COULD. HE PASSED AWAY WITHIN A COUPLE HOURS OF ME TELLING HIM THAT.I HAVE TO KEEP TELLING MYSELF EVERY DAY THAT HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on January 5, 2011 at 9:13pm

Mary, I think that's what the problem is.  I shouldn't have gone to work that day.  If I would have been sitting with him when this happened I would probably have called for help.  He might have been here today.  Probably there was something he wished to tell me at the very last moment but never got a chance.  Because there was no closure I am hanging on to him.  I want him to go further in his journey but I don't want to hurt either.

mary baker said:

Dear Hurting...

  I lost my husband over a year ago now,seems like it happened just yesterday, and I feel your pain. It has bothered me when people tell me they know what I am going thru or they understand how I feel, but I truely understand how you feel. My husband passed away unexpectedly, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I would have done something differently so that I would have been there when he passed away. I often feel like I would have closer if it would have been me there with him, but honestly I don't think that I would feel any differently than I do right now...he is gone, and I didn't get to say good-bye. I was so shocked at first, thinking it wasn't real...that I would wake up and it was all a dream, then I made myself believe that he was at work (he worked on a tug boat) & that he would be home in 28 days, then I became angry at him, that he left me...that he gave up on me...now, I wake up everyday to silence...I live for my kids but can not find happiness even then. I cry myself to sleep, I go thru the what if's everyday.

  I can't tell you it will get better, and I ask why me too, did I cause this horrible pain and emptiness by some decision I made at some point in my life, who could ever deserve such sadness and who can live thru it and learn from this? I just don't get it...maybe we are not meant to understand, and why can I not talk to my husband or he talk to me like others have said? My best advice...one long day at a time.

 

Mary
Hurting said:

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.  Some of you experienced what I have.  Some of you did get a chance to get good bye but it doesn't seem that your pain is any less then mine.  So what I want to know is why does God do this?  I was not ready physically, mentally, emotionally or financially to deal with all this on my own.  When you are partners you get used to dealing with all the life's up & down together and lean on each other as needed.  This is probably one of the worst time in my life and I can't lean on him anymore.....  I have lot of my family and his family but doesn't seem like anybody else is effected by it.  I think that's what probably made my own pain so much harder to bear. If there is God, I just want to ask him - Why Me?????

Permalink Reply by Hurting on January 5, 2011 at 9:13pm

Mary, I think that's what the problem is.  I shouldn't have gone to work that day.  If I would have been sitting with him when this happened I would probably have called for help.  He might have been here today.  Probably there was something he wished to tell me at the very last moment but never got a chance.  Because there was no closure I am hanging on to him.  I want him to go further in his journey but I don't want to hurt either.

mary baker said:

Dear Hurting...

  I lost my husband over a year ago now,seems like it happened just yesterday, and I feel your pain. It has bothered me when people tell me they know what I am going thru or they understand how I feel, but I truely understand how you feel. My husband passed away unexpectedly, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I would have done something differently so that I would have been there when he passed away. I often feel like I would have closer if it would have been me there with him, but honestly I don't think that I would feel any differently than I do right now...he is gone, and I didn't get to say good-bye. I was so shocked at first, thinking it wasn't real...that I would wake up and it was all a dream, then I made myself believe that he was at work (he worked on a tug boat) & that he would be home in 28 days, then I became angry at him, that he left me...that he gave up on me...now, I wake up everyday to silence...I live for my kids but can not find happiness even then. I cry myself to sleep, I go thru the what if's everyday.

  I can't tell you it will get better, and I ask why me too, did I cause this horrible pain and emptiness by some decision I made at some point in my life, who could ever deserve such sadness and who can live thru it and learn from this? I just don't get it...maybe we are not meant to understand, and why can I not talk to my husband or he talk to me like others have said? My best advice...one long day at a time.

 

Mary
Hurting said:

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.  Some of you experienced what I have.  Some of you did get a chance to get good bye but it doesn't seem that your pain is any less then mine.  So what I want to know is why does God do this?  I was not ready physically, mentally, emotionally or financially to deal with all this on my own.  When you are partners you get used to dealing with all the life's up & down together and lean on each other as needed.  This is probably one of the worst time in my life and I can't lean on him anymore.....  I have lot of my family and his family but doesn't seem like anybody else is effected by it.  I think that's what probably made my own pain so much harder to bear. If there is God, I just want to ask him - Why Me?????

Permalink Reply by Hurting on January 5, 2011 at 9:17pm

Suzanne, I know we all are hurting in our own way.  If we weren't we wouldn't be still here pouring our feelings out to each other.  I wish I could ease everybody's pain and you all could ease mine but that's not going to happen.  We all have to go through this process of grieving.  May God that gave us all this pain give us strength to come out of this grief stronger.

Suzanne said:

Dear Hurting,

I just don't know what to say.  It must be so difficult for you.  I am so sorry you are going through the pain of losing your husband and I am awaiting the day it will be exactly one year right around the corner for me.  January 22, 2010, in the early morning hours at about 3:30 a.m. Danny breathed his last breath.  The time the nurse wrote which was the time she pronounced it was 5:40 a.m.  I know this may seem silly or immature to some but I plan on not eating that day because it seems a solemn day for me, a day of mourning.  So I feel it would be a celebration of sorts if I were to go out with family and eat.  I don't want to eat, as I don't want to celebrate.  In fact I have just been consuming only what my body needs because I haven't been able to enjoy eating like I once did since I have been so distraught at his passing.  One day of fasting will not hurt me, so I will tell any family who wants to be together with me can go out the day before or the day after but on the 22nd of January I will be attending 2 Masses that I have arranged to be said for him at 2 different Churches.  Kind of a long story why it was 2.  I would have had 3 Masses but could almost hear Danny saying to me, 'what R U spending this money for? What a waste'  I am not looking forward to having this milestone come and go.  Don't want it to happen, and I don't want to move into another apartment either, but it looks inevitable.  So, long story short, I am totally stressed, extremely upset, I have been crying during the last few days and just trying to deal with the emotions, day by day, minute by minute.  I hate living without him but the only thing I can do is turn it over to God.  I believe he is at peace, but I'm not at peace nor I don't think I will ever be.  Now, life for me is all about me and that's what hurts the most.  I always hoped and prayed for him to get better, but I guess that's not God's plan and I have to ride this tidal wave, like it or not.  That's just me talking about my situation.  I believe you and I can still talk to our spouse and I've been told countless times that he will be with me wherever I am, and that God will fill the void for me, and I pray you and everyone here feels peace somehow.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by mary baker eatough on January 5, 2011 at 9:41pm

Hurting,

  I know exactly how you feel...but what we have to accept is that we can not change the way it was...because God doesn't make mistakes, and although we wish that we could have changed where we were, or who passed, or what our last words to them were...we can't. 

 

 As hard as that is to say or hear, it's even harder to accept...celebrate their life...I can tell you from personal experience, it is not easy...but I am learning to let my hubby live through me, the decisions I make and the way I think about what has happened doesn't only affect my life, but my kids lives and so many more people.  My hubby would kick my butt if I held my head down and let life pass me by and people push me around...he would say "where is the woman I married, the strong, confident, persistant girl that could tell me how it is but turn me to mush..."

 

 I know it is hard, it will never be easy, but don't let death be the death of you...your spouse wants you to remember them forever and always...

 

 Everyday is a new day, you will always have your memories...no one can take those from you, no one...we all grieve differently, I could tell you a hundred things that help me and a thousand things that set me back, but as long as you stay true to yourself and your loved one(s) you will never be lost or alone.

 

Hope that helped in some way....Mary

Hurting said:

Mary, I think that's what the problem is.  I shouldn't have gone to work that day.  If I would have been sitting with him when this happened I would probably have called for help.  He might have been here today.  Probably there was something he wished to tell me at the very last moment but never got a chance.  Because there was no closure I am hanging on to him.  I want him to go further in his journey but I don't want to hurt either.

mary baker said:

Dear Hurting...

  I lost my husband over a year ago now,seems like it happened just yesterday, and I feel your pain. It has bothered me when people tell me they know what I am going thru or they understand how I feel, but I truely understand how you feel. My husband passed away unexpectedly, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I would have done something differently so that I would have been there when he passed away. I often feel like I would have closer if it would have been me there with him, but honestly I don't think that I would feel any differently than I do right now...he is gone, and I didn't get to say good-bye. I was so shocked at first, thinking it wasn't real...that I would wake up and it was all a dream, then I made myself believe that he was at work (he worked on a tug boat) & that he would be home in 28 days, then I became angry at him, that he left me...that he gave up on me...now, I wake up everyday to silence...I live for my kids but can not find happiness even then. I cry myself to sleep, I go thru the what if's everyday.

  I can't tell you it will get better, and I ask why me too, did I cause this horrible pain and emptiness by some decision I made at some point in my life, who could ever deserve such sadness and who can live thru it and learn from this? I just don't get it...maybe we are not meant to understand, and why can I not talk to my husband or he talk to me like others have said? My best advice...one long day at a time.

 

Mary
Hurting said:

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.  Some of you experienced what I have.  Some of you did get a chance to get good bye but it doesn't seem that your pain is any less then mine.  So what I want to know is why does God do this?  I was not ready physically, mentally, emotionally or financially to deal with all this on my own.  When you are partners you get used to dealing with all the life's up & down together and lean on each other as needed.  This is probably one of the worst time in my life and I can't lean on him anymore.....  I have lot of my family and his family but doesn't seem like anybody else is effected by it.  I think that's what probably made my own pain so much harder to bear. If there is God, I just want to ask him - Why Me?????

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on January 5, 2011 at 9:43pm

Dear Hurting,

After reading your comment about hanging onto him, I wanted to let you know that I feel the exact same way.  I think that's what my main problem is.  I don't want him to be gone, I don't want him to be a memory, I don't want to say goodbye.  I don't believe, though that I can think my way out of grief, but everyone has a right think the way they want and to grieve in their own way.  (I'm talking about others) and what you said is so true that we have to go through the grief.  To me it's so hard, but my grief Hospice meeting leaders and others tell me I have strength.  I really don't think I do, because I honestly believe it's God's grace that is lending me His strength.  I pray for you and everyone that we all have the strength God provides to get us through.  I know in my heart that only He is doing it for me, He brought me here to Legacy.  If I were doing my own will, I wouldn't even be here, I would stay in bed till forever.  So, it must be Him.  Anyway hugs and prayers to you.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on January 7, 2011 at 4:15pm

HURTING, JUST WANTED TO RESPOND TO THE QUESTION YOU KEEP ASKING YOURSELF, "WHY ME"? I ASK MYSELF THAT QUESTION EVERYDAY. I KNOW THAT GOD KNEW HOW MUCH I DEPENDED UPON MY HUSBAND, BUT APPARENTLY HE STILL SAW THE NEED TO TAKE MY HUSBAND. I ONLY PRAY THAT SOMEDAY I WILL BE ABLE TO ACCEPT THIS NEW JOURNEY THAT I AM ON, AND MAYBE BE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS THAT WILL HAVE TO TRAVEL IT.I HOWEVER WOULD NOT WISH THIS NIGHTMARE ON MY WORST ENEMY. BLESSINGS TO YOU.

mary baker said:

Hurting,

  I know exactly how you feel...but what we have to accept is that we can not change the way it was...because God doesn't make mistakes, and although we wish that we could have changed where we were, or who passed, or what our last words to them were...we can't. 

 

 As hard as that is to say or hear, it's even harder to accept...celebrate their life...I can tell you from personal experience, it is not easy...but I am learning to let my hubby live through me, the decisions I make and the way I think about what has happened doesn't only affect my life, but my kids lives and so many more people.  My hubby would kick my butt if I held my head down and let life pass me by and people push me around...he would say "where is the woman I married, the strong, confident, persistant girl that could tell me how it is but turn me to mush..."

 

 I know it is hard, it will never be easy, but don't let death be the death of you...your spouse wants you to remember them forever and always...

 

 Everyday is a new day, you will always have your memories...no one can take those from you, no one...we all grieve differently, I could tell you a hundred things that help me and a thousand things that set me back, but as long as you stay true to yourself and your loved one(s) you will never be lost or alone.

 

Hope that helped in some way....Mary

Hurting said:

Mary, I think that's what the problem is.  I shouldn't have gone to work that day.  If I would have been sitting with him when this happened I would probably have called for help.  He might have been here today.  Probably there was something he wished to tell me at the very last moment but never got a chance.  Because there was no closure I am hanging on to him.  I want him to go further in his journey but I don't want to hurt either.

mary baker said:

Dear Hurting...

  I lost my husband over a year ago now,seems like it happened just yesterday, and I feel your pain. It has bothered me when people tell me they know what I am going thru or they understand how I feel, but I truely understand how you feel. My husband passed away unexpectedly, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I would have done something differently so that I would have been there when he passed away. I often feel like I would have closer if it would have been me there with him, but honestly I don't think that I would feel any differently than I do right now...he is gone, and I didn't get to say good-bye. I was so shocked at first, thinking it wasn't real...that I would wake up and it was all a dream, then I made myself believe that he was at work (he worked on a tug boat) & that he would be home in 28 days, then I became angry at him, that he left me...that he gave up on me...now, I wake up everyday to silence...I live for my kids but can not find happiness even then. I cry myself to sleep, I go thru the what if's everyday.

  I can't tell you it will get better, and I ask why me too, did I cause this horrible pain and emptiness by some decision I made at some point in my life, who could ever deserve such sadness and who can live thru it and learn from this? I just don't get it...maybe we are not meant to understand, and why can I not talk to my husband or he talk to me like others have said? My best advice...one long day at a time.

 

Mary
Hurting said:

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.  Some of you experienced what I have.  Some of you did get a chance to get good bye but it doesn't seem that your pain is any less then mine.  So what I want to know is why does God do this?  I was not ready physically, mentally, emotionally or financially to deal with all this on my own.  When you are partners you get used to dealing with all the life's up & down together and lean on each other as needed.  This is probably one of the worst time in my life and I can't lean on him anymore.....  I have lot of my family and his family but doesn't seem like anybody else is effected by it.  I think that's what probably made my own pain so much harder to bear. If there is God, I just want to ask him - Why Me?????

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on January 7, 2011 at 4:15pm

HURTING, JUST WANTED TO RESPOND TO THE QUESTION YOU KEEP ASKING YOURSELF, "WHY ME"? I ASK MYSELF THAT QUESTION EVERYDAY. I KNOW THAT GOD KNEW HOW MUCH I DEPENDED UPON MY HUSBAND, BUT APPARENTLY HE STILL SAW THE NEED TO TAKE MY HUSBAND. I ONLY PRAY THAT SOMEDAY I WILL BE ABLE TO ACCEPT THIS NEW JOURNEY THAT I AM ON, AND MAYBE BE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS THAT WILL HAVE TO TRAVEL IT.I HOWEVER WOULD NOT WISH THIS NIGHTMARE ON MY WORST ENEMY. BLESSINGS TO YOU.

mary baker said:

Hurting,

  I know exactly how you feel...but what we have to accept is that we can not change the way it was...because God doesn't make mistakes, and although we wish that we could have changed where we were, or who passed, or what our last words to them were...we can't. 

 

 As hard as that is to say or hear, it's even harder to accept...celebrate their life...I can tell you from personal experience, it is not easy...but I am learning to let my hubby live through me, the decisions I make and the way I think about what has happened doesn't only affect my life, but my kids lives and so many more people.  My hubby would kick my butt if I held my head down and let life pass me by and people push me around...he would say "where is the woman I married, the strong, confident, persistant girl that could tell me how it is but turn me to mush..."

 

 I know it is hard, it will never be easy, but don't let death be the death of you...your spouse wants you to remember them forever and always...

 

 Everyday is a new day, you will always have your memories...no one can take those from you, no one...we all grieve differently, I could tell you a hundred things that help me and a thousand things that set me back, but as long as you stay true to yourself and your loved one(s) you will never be lost or alone.

 

Hope that helped in some way....Mary

Hurting said:

Mary, I think that's what the problem is.  I shouldn't have gone to work that day.  If I would have been sitting with him when this happened I would probably have called for help.  He might have been here today.  Probably there was something he wished to tell me at the very last moment but never got a chance.  Because there was no closure I am hanging on to him.  I want him to go further in his journey but I don't want to hurt either.

mary baker said:

Dear Hurting...

  I lost my husband over a year ago now,seems like it happened just yesterday, and I feel your pain. It has bothered me when people tell me they know what I am going thru or they understand how I feel, but I truely understand how you feel. My husband passed away unexpectedly, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I would have done something differently so that I would have been there when he passed away. I often feel like I would have closer if it would have been me there with him, but honestly I don't think that I would feel any differently than I do right now...he is gone, and I didn't get to say good-bye. I was so shocked at first, thinking it wasn't real...that I would wake up and it was all a dream, then I made myself believe that he was at work (he worked on a tug boat) & that he would be home in 28 days, then I became angry at him, that he left me...that he gave up on me...now, I wake up everyday to silence...I live for my kids but can not find happiness even then. I cry myself to sleep, I go thru the what if's everyday.

  I can't tell you it will get better, and I ask why me too, did I cause this horrible pain and emptiness by some decision I made at some point in my life, who could ever deserve such sadness and who can live thru it and learn from this? I just don't get it...maybe we are not meant to understand, and why can I not talk to my husband or he talk to me like others have said? My best advice...one long day at a time.

 

Mary
Hurting said:

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.  Some of you experienced what I have.  Some of you did get a chance to get good bye but it doesn't seem that your pain is any less then mine.  So what I want to know is why does God do this?  I was not ready physically, mentally, emotionally or financially to deal with all this on my own.  When you are partners you get used to dealing with all the life's up & down together and lean on each other as needed.  This is probably one of the worst time in my life and I can't lean on him anymore.....  I have lot of my family and his family but doesn't seem like anybody else is effected by it.  I think that's what probably made my own pain so much harder to bear. If there is God, I just want to ask him - Why Me?????

Permalink Reply by Anita Ippolito on January 7, 2011 at 4:23pm

I can totally relate to your feelings.  I lost my dear husband, suddenly, without a chance to say goodbye and that fact that it was the day before Christmas Eve made it so much worse.  It was 2 years on Dec.23rd and I really can say it does get better.  It will never be the same and part of me is gone for good, but for the sake of my 2 children 8 and 13 I must go on and I have to live.  There will never be an answer.  I too, would like to know if he is at peace.  I must believe he is or else I think it would be impossible to continue.  Take care to everyone out there who somehow must make peace and "accept" this horrible loss.

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