Only been about 4 months, but I'm struggling more and more each day!

What is with people, have they no compassion? I’m just wondering if anyone has had similar things happen.

So my beloved hasn't even been gone 4 months yet. His ex-wife keeps asking for stuff (which she has plenty of, and we sent home almost all of the Christmas stuff and from the kids birth day just weeks before his death). His family and ex seem to want ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he owned and since she wouldn’t give him much in the divorce (including pics of his kids from a previous marriage) Never mind the agony she put us through in the past 2 yrs (trying to put him in jail twice for totally made up charges) cost us about 10k in everything. I don't care about her, its the kids I'm worried about. I feel like if I give them some extra toys we have, they would get destroyed (thought maybe keeping them for a few yrs till they're older and can appreciate). Then the other 1/2 of me just wants to give it to her, so I can see the kids (she refuses to let me see them) and their "grandma" (what they've always called my mama) since the funeral.
On top of it all, Joe died just 2 months after turning 40, so with all young patients w/ no history they do autopsy here. I have been waiting, and waiting what seemed like FOREVER for the report. Two days ago I get a TEXT message (mind you) saying he died of heart disease. I was SO upset that I wasn't the first to receive report, and after asking her where she got it "someone emailed it to me" was the reply. His other sister was at least kind enuf to call and leave me a message saying that they had gotten it, and wanted to see if I had it, when I said I didn't she emailed it to me that night. The next day I found out that his mama had gotten the report, and that was fine, I just wanted to know, cuz i haven't been able to get it yet. Not sure why she couldn't just text me that her mom had gotten it? other than to make me wonder, or stress.

I just don't know if they realize what I'm going through. My husband took a pill and went into anaphylactic shock, and died within 10 minutes on the floor in our bedroom (the house we had bought just 6 weeks prior). I had to call 911, here by myself, gave him mouth to mouth, then watched the paramedics try to revive him. I had waited till I was older and found my soulmate to get married. We had only been married 15 months when he died. This is by FAR the WORST and HARDEST thing I ever have been thru, and I've been thru a lot.

Yesterday, his mother called me and wondered if I was ordering or had ordered the headstone (which my mom already told her we would). She was wanting to know what I got, what I wrote on there (we discussed all this not too long ago). I couldn't even deal with that till recently, and they are all freaking out cause it's not there. Well considering it says 6-10 week or more turn around, what am i supposed to do....ugh!

I want to keep touch with them cause they are part of him, but sometimes I just get so frustrated. I talked to them twice this week (if the text counts) and both time was in full out tears.
I told his mama that his stuff is still in the bathroom (put away in drawer) but I just can't to bear getting rid of it yet. I am on medication and seem to do well if I'm busy working on the house or keeping busy. Night it's the worst, but am still having a hard time going through his stuff. I just was able to bag up some of his clothes (not get rid of mind you). It just bugs me that not a ONE came to our wedding, or wanted a thing to do w/ it, but as soon as he's dead they all came out of the woodwork, and want to do "ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS" so it's done "their way".

Am I just being sensitive, taking to long r what? I know the family doesn't fully accept me cause I'm not the same religion as them, and still see the ex as the "REAL" wife. (that was made apparent to me when they called her just minutes after I told them he was dead when they go to the ER, and when she was SITTING at the funeral home table during the meeting to make arrangements! My mom asked y she was there, and the sister in law barked "because SHE'S FAMILY, and the mother of his children" I get that she came the 4 hr drive to let her kids see the body, but they don't know just HOW HARD that was on me. I was already in my darkest hour, and then they pour ALCOHOL not salt, in my wound by having her there. She was even trying to answer questions the mortuary guy was asking me (as next of kin), and interrupting me (I felt like she was saying, I KNOW HIM BETTER!!) Then of course she was BAWLING HYSTERICALLY at the funeral, making a scene and brought 2 LEGAL sized photo collages of HER AND HIM, and kids (including his twins from previous relationship, the pics he begged her for when he left and she kept them just to be mean). After she and his sister (SUGGESTED) that I put together a 1/2 page collage for the program. As if losing him (the best thing in my life) wasn't BAD enough, then I have to deal w/ all this! UGH!!!

Sorry people, just had to vent. any and all reply is welcome (no matter what you think)

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Replies to This Discussion

Christie ...

 

The vultures strike! Everyone is grieving in their own way, but you must put yourself first!  My husband Ernie passed away April 27th, 2011 from pancreatic cancer and I was not able to make it in time before he passed.  It was a long illness and I did everything humanly possible, but I miss my love.  It was not long after he passed I had some family and some friends ask if they could have this or that of my husbands (mainly his fishing equipment; was I selling his boat; truck/camper.)  My heart was breaking; I was walking around in the fog, but, in that fog I learned to say the words 'NO!'  You should never make any decisions on selling or giving anything away; going through your husband's personal effects until you feel like it.  Just say it like it is!  If you feel like it then bag up your husband's clothes, but keep a shirt; t-shirt; bathrobe of his that you can cuddle up in when you feel so alone.   

 

Unfortunately, unless others such as all of us here on the forum have lost a spouse no one else who hasn't can never feel the loss you do or that you feel your heart has been twisted in your body.  It is OK to cry; kick a door; yell or just try and go to sleep for an hour or two and put the phone ringer off so you are not disturbed.  You will feel mentally and physically tired for some time to come.

 

YOU are fine and it is those around you that are not being sensitive enough.  His mother is grieving and not coping well and it is time for other relatives (even yours) to step in and help you out.  Your husband chose you as his wife and you have children together and whether his family likes it or not your husband loved you and it is no one else's business.  Religious conflict is very common and I had problems with my husband's sister because she is a Born Again Christian; my husband was an Agnostic (I am Christian) but my husband and I respected each others belief systems in the 38 years of marriage and knowing him for 45 years.  Thankfully, the funeral is over and now you are left wondering if you did all the right things which is very normal.  You did!  Your husband would be very proud of you. 

 

Because my husband's sister did not treat me well throughout our marriage and interfered at the hospital scaring my husband with 'if you do not take Jesus into your heart you will not go to heaven' (knowing full well when I was not going to be at the hospital at that time until I had the nurses ban her from seeing my husband) my husband and I had a long talk about religion and I told him not to worry and he was much loved and to let go.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  Now that my beloved is gone I have divorced my sister-in-law and no longer see them.  I told her straight out how I felt and to not bother me any longer.  So far so good.  You do not need to answer emails or the phone and you have a right to take time in your grieving process.  Reach out to your own family; love your children; call on your friends and ask for help when you need it and if you have a religious faith then use that too.  It is one shaky step at a time and we are all going through it, but no matter how dark our lives may feel at times we will make it and there will come a time when we are calm and well enough both mentally and physically where we can think of the wonderful memories we had with our loved one. 

 

Meanwhile, phone any local hospital as there are generally Hospice Counseling (I go to them) for grieving widows and try to go as it does help.  It makes you realize that others are going through the same pain and keep coming back onto this forum for moral support (time changes will allow one of us to be here to listen) and just let your feelings come out on your keyboard. Don't ever apologize about venting; feeling angry; crying; etc.  We all understand.

 

Bug hugs

 

Marcy

Christie Am so sorry about your struggles with family, and your loss. I had a similar experience, and have gone on to counseling, and have been getting stronger, with groups I have joined. Be Strong Christy,, And God keep you in his Arms.

Marcie I say ditto to you, so well said

Christy - that is unbelievable what your in-laws have done to you.  As others have said you take care of yourself.  I can't believe they think the ex had any right to help plan his funeral.  I think that was inappropriate for her to be there - especially when she made life so difficult for your husband.  They need to realize you have to do things in your own time not their time!  I know it is their son and and sibling but you are and were his wife.  There is no way they should have received the autopsy report.  That should have been released to you only.  You may have a case in HIPAA if the hospital or a hospital employee gave them this information without your signed release.  The exception would be if your husband previously signed a release giving them access to his records.  A text message no less!  They are being down right cruel and obviously are not thinking about you and your feelings doing things like this.  It makes me pretty angry!  I'd like to call them and give them the 101 on losing a spouse and how in-laws should behave! 

 

Don't you feel any pressure to give up anything else to them until you are good and ready.  Put them on ignore as much as you can and take care of yourself.  I'd certainly look into the released autopsy report to find out why that was released to them before you.  You are the rightful heir to your husband's estate not them.  Grrr!

 

Yes, it does seem that death brings out the worst in people. I too had a hard time with my in laws. It has been 2 years today that my husband has passed from  lung cancer. My husband was in his last week of life, when his family was already planning on how they was going to spend the money they thought they had coming to them from him. Even his ex wife got in to it. There I was taking care of my very ill husband, he could do nothing for him self as the cancer went to his brain as well, while they were just sitting there in front of him talking about money. It still burns me up. As I was only his wife for 5 years, they thought I should have NOTHING of his. Being in a state of shock, I went along with most of what they wanted. I gave his kids most of his prized stuff, thinking it would remind them of their dad, only to have them sell the stuff for money. When they found out he had life insuranceand he left it to me, well, they wanted me to give it all to his mom and took steps to get it away from me. They even stole my hard drive from my computer thinking I was hiding some money that belonged to them. This all happened within a month of his death. I had to move just to get away from them. The point of my story is, don`t do any thing till you feel it is right. Because in the end, when this people get what they want from you, they will be gone and leave you with out your memories. I wish I had done things differently.

Geeze- bless your heart; you really have been treated disrepectively by these people. I have had it equally hard, but I was not the "legal" wife, so they could get away with disrespecting me, although they held me in very high regard while Larry was alive. Out of his entire extended family, only about 5 photos were supplied for the DVD that was made for his funeral, by anyone other than me! Then, while they are ignoring me, they made copies of those photos & put them on a local channel commercial with a statement of how much they love him & named each of them-brother aunts,... but no mention of me. They didn't know where the photos were made, when; nothing. They make me sick. They even put a photo my daughter took of us on the cover of the DVD & cut me out of it! 

It hurts tremendously knowing that it was me & Larry for the past 8 yrs recovering from our painful pasts -his stemming from the neglect & mistreatment of these people who now have turned on me. We accomplished alot together during our time as husband & wife. Yes, we really were husband & wife- a completely committed/devoted couple who shared a home & combined family & looked forward to many years together making up for lost time.  I have no legal rights, yet I alone have taken care of nearly everything, all the while wondering if they were going to come behind me & undo whatever I did. It has been 1 yr. next wk & he still does not have a headstone-the 1 thing they said they had done-of course without my input, yet where is it? I really don't think they will ever do it. They straight out lied 11 months ago when they said they ordered it.

How long were you & your husband together before you married? I was just wondering how attached the children might be? You sd they live 4 hrs away? I know they are very young & you want to remain in their lives, but it does sound like a very difficult situation. My stepson lived with us & now lives only 20 minutes away, but I have only seen him once during his summer vacation. He has sd repeatedly that he wants to live with me & go to school here, but lawyers say I would be subjected to his mother's authority... and it would be a very bad situation for me to live under. His mother is so jealous that it will never happen.

I say all this because because I relate to what you are going through. I don't mean to compound your problems by adding mine. It's just that we have to hang in there & do what we can in every given situation wether its dealing with headstones, or ex's, or trying to be there for the children. All we can do is all we can do. Don't let them bully you & above all, don't bully yourself! Hugs & best wishes~ Christy

Christy,

This seems to be how the heartless cope with the loss, it is inexcusable. I have been dealing with the disrespect, deliberately hurtful comments, etc. from my family since my Rose's passing. Her family which we never really had much contact with anyway has chosen to just stay away, no contact at all since her passing including her 2 adult daughters from her first marriage. It pains me so to think they care nothing at all that she suffered and passed in such a short time.

I moved 1000 miles from the place we made our home to be closer to my "loving, caring family" only to end up homeless, without counseling, help, or contact with them for weeks at a time. When they do have contact with me it is contact not worth having because of what is said and the blame game they play.

I am trying very hard to go back to the place Rose and I called home for 6 years but being homeless and jobless are making it difficult to say the least, even a bus ticket is an expensive item when you are in my position. I have decided when it comes to the families, They are not worrying about me so I can not worry about them and will focus on me. I am just glad there are no young ones involved in my situation. I have been in contact with the folks at the Hospice that took care of my Rose in her final 2 months at home and then at the Inpatient facility in her last day and they have pledged to help me once I get there. It is amazing how you can rely more on Strangers then Blood in times like these.

Hugs to all, I will make it some how as will we all!


Pete

Christy, Cathy and Pete,  I am so sorry for what you all are going through with in-laws and family.  I have always heard that the real person will come out in people when there is a death and pretty much I think that is true.  I also think that in every family there is someone who shows their real self when someone dies.  I always knew that Neal's mother did not treat him like her other children, but I never would have guessed at what she did.  On Friday at lunch time, October 15, 2011, I knew Neal was getting worse so I had one of my sons call his sister who lives in SC (I live in NC) and tell her about Neal.  Neal's mother lives with her so they both came up here.  Neals mother and sister came in the bedroom and she kissed Neal on the forehead and then she told Neals sister she wanted to go to her sisters and visit.  Can you believe a mother would leave to "visit" instead of staying with her son who was dying?  I wrote her off my list then and there as she was not deserving to have had a son like Neal.  One of Neals brothers had not talked with Neal in 2 years and did not even call him when he was told that Neal had lung cancer.  Then he had the gall to come to my house after the funeral, which he did not attend.  I know he was just going to see what he could get, But both of my sons and some of their friends escorted him off my property and I did not have to deal with him. 

I have 2 sisters and they were right there for me for about two months after Neal died, then nothing.  I have not heard from either one of them since, but my brother calls me every week to check up on me.  So some family members are so disappointing to us.

We just have to hang in there and be there for each other here on this site.  It is so unreal to me that all of you on this site, whom I have never met, have "talked to me more than my sisters.  Thank you each and everyone of you.  HUGS

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