Another start of a new month! Still feels like I got sucker punched in the gut! I hurt soooo very deeply! I am Praying unceasingly! I am trying to submit to God's will here, but this is tough! It is going on 7 months. The lonliness has to be the worst! I try to stay in Prayer for peace, or keep my mind active, but am sinking faster than I know how to deal with it! No children, young, have heard more times than I can count, and hurl....your sooo young n pretty, you'll marry again! Seriously?.? They obviously have never lost a spouse n bestest friend! It def gets harder as days alone progress. People have all slowly dissipated into their lives. Yes , I have help, but it's always somebodyelses husband!, I have a husband! I want HIM to take care of me! Not anybody else! Sleep...what's that? How long can one cry~constantly? Why did this happen to me? Why when the rest of the world seems to be spinning all around me, I can barely function?.And the fatigue...! WOW! Absolutely no desire, no strength, I Praise God, for giving me each day to endure! I am trusting Him to get me through this, as I have noone else! Everybody says...your not alone! Well I say...Look next to me, do you see anyone here?? I am alone, I wake up alone, I go through the day alone, I fall asleep alone! Just the simple pleasure of human contact...talking with my husband, enjoying a meal together...the simple fact of sitting down and eating with him!  Meals...what are they? I eat, when I can force it down, and it is just any old thing. I miss dinners! I miss him looking at me! I miss holding his hand! I miss being loved! I miss it all! Now what, spend everyday, the rest of my life alone and mourninggggggg?.?.?Help Lord please....! Thank You for not leaving me, ever! In the lonely wee hours, I feel You there! Please take this lonliness and pain, in Jesus Name! Amen!

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Wow! As I was reading this I felt as though you took the words right out of my mouth. My name is Paula and I was married to my soulmate Jesse for 30 beautiful years, since the age of 17. On 6/18/12 after a family argument, my cousin who was also Jesse's best friend pulled out a gun and shot him in the head killing him instantly. I don't know how to go on either, and honestly, at this point, I don't want to go on without him. This month on 11/18 it will mark 5 months of his death but it will also be his 58th birthday.I feel 100% the same as Jacky.

Oh Dear Sweet Paula, I am so very sorry! How devastating! I will Pray for you! My husband went to be with The Lord on 04/18/12. So on 11/18, it will be 7 months! I am soooo sorry, we as strangers, share this intense close bond! We were married just shy of 21 years. Been together 26 years, which is more than 1/2 my life! My love, developed cancer. Makes me sick to say that! All still so unreal! I just feel, like I nolonger belong here. But know this is a lie of the enemy, otherwise God woulda took me with my love! Which, I wished He did!  We have no children, so I am very alone. Yes, mny family and friends, but it's not the same! And nobody truly understands! That is why, I am focusing on God, as I know from my strong Faith, He is Sovereign, even though I don't understand.

Your loss is so devastating, it truly does break my heart! Such a useless crime! I am sending you much love and hugs in Jesus! I would like to be friends on here, if you would like. I am so sorry, you are suffering so! I don't know what else to say, except I will be Praying for comfort, Peace, and understanding for you, as well as strength to perservere!

I am taking it one day at a time! Praise God! I was one moment, one minute at a time, and trust me, I easily revert back there! But I try to remain focused on this moment, and this day, because honestly...if I look past that, I panic! That punched in the gut feeling is sooo intense.

Goofy computer....wanted to add, Lord Bless you dear heart! Let's chat soon!

Hi Jacky, I got cold chills when you said your love passed on the 18th as well. Yes there is def a bond. Maybe God sent me to this forum for a reason. But look at you, in your time of grief, reaching out to comfort another. Thank you for that. I do have adult children and grandchildren. My love was 11 years older than me so he has 2 sons from a previous marraige. They are 41 and 39. I'm only 47 so not much of an age difference but we have a mother and son bond and relationship. They are busy with their own lives so not much time for me. Also they say it's too painful to come to the house without him here. Don't I know that feeling all too well. My love and I have a 27 yr old daughter. Her and her 3 sons my beautiful brandbabies live with me for the time being. It doesn't make it any easier my friend. The argument that took him away from me was over my daughter's (now soon to be ex) husband. So there is quite a bit of anger on my part even towards her. I'm trying to get past that anger, for the grandbabies sake, as they have experienced too much anger and loss at such a young age. But it's hard and I catch myself slipping into thoughts and bouts of uncontrollable bitterness and anger. It's a long story of how his murder came to be. I would love to "get it off my chest" soon. Maybe I can write it in pieces in messages to you. Maybe you can shed some light on it. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you. God Bless! Hugs back to you!


Hi Paula! Wonderful to hear from you! I am 48! My husband was 17 years older. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage, that astranged themselves from him over 12 years ago. And just came back, after I contacted them, 2 days prior to his passing. Very distant with him, and I'm sad to say, I do believe they hate me. It is a very sad situation. I have no contact with them, and for the moment, I am thankful, as I feared they would harm me. I am resting in God though, and I did all I could, reaching out to them, inviting them to our home those last 2 days, and included them in all the funeral stuff. I still feel as if it is all a very bad dream. Yes I will Pray for that anger to go, as The Father says we must forgive all, in order for Him to forgive us of our sins. Amen? I can't imagine what you are going through! Or how you will do that! Only by God's grace and mercy. Ask Him to take the bitterness and anger from your heart, and help you deal with it. I will keep Praying!

Hi Jacky, I got cold chills when you said your love passed on the 18th as well. Yes there is def a bond. Maybe God sent me to this forum for a reason. But look at you, in your time of grief, reaching out to comfort another. Thank you for that. I do have adult children and grandchildren. My love was 11 years older than me so he has 2 sons from a previous marraige. They are 41 and 39. I'm only 47 so not much of an age difference but we have a mother and son bond and relationship. They are busy with their own lives so not much time for me. Also they say it's too painful to come to the house without him here. Don't I know that feeling all too well. My love and I have a 27 yr old daughter. Her and her 3 sons my beautiful brandbabies live with me for the time being. It doesn't make it any easier my friend. The argument that took him away from me was over my daughter's (now soon to be ex) husband. So there is quite a bit of anger on my part even towards her. I'm trying to get past that anger, for the grandbabies sake, as they have experienced too much anger and loss at such a young age. But it's hard and I catch myself slipping into thoughts and bouts of uncontrollable bitterness and anger. It's a long story of how his murder came to be. I would love to "get it off my chest" soon. Maybe I can write it in pieces in messages to you. Maybe you can shed some light on it. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you. God Bless! Hugs back to you!

Jacky and Paula,

  I also have almost the same feelings and emotions you described and that is why this forum is good because we can share and know that we are not alone in our grief and that we are not crazy for our intense emotions.  Some days are so much worse than others.  My wife of 40 years passed away 2 months ago and I do not know what I would do if it were not for the meds I was prescribed for anxiety and insomnia. I have doubts in my faith and "afterlife" so I do not get the solace from religious beliefs that you do. Why does a kind and loving God let so much pain, misery and grief go on?  I would give all that I own just for one more day with my beloved to be able to tell her all the things I should have and to be able to hug and touch her again and to know that it will never be again is unbearable.  Tou are not alone in your feelings and this is the place to let them out since the people around us do not understand. Jacky you should see a doctor if you are really getting bad because some meds do help.  Hugs to you and hope you have better days.

Frank, Lord Bless you! I am sorry for your loss! Sounds like you and your wife had shared a very special marriage. And coming from a woman's standpoint here, I believe she knew all those regrets you mention you wish you could have told her! Being married that long, sharing a love, women know, in unspoken words, glances, touches, we just know! It is a feeling deep in our hearts! Take assurance in that! 40 years...WOW! What a Blessing! 

  • Well regarding God...I believe He is a Sovereign God! I believe He is in control of all things. The Bible says His ways are above our ways, His thoughts above ours. See, He sees the entire picture, the end from the beginning. I believe we as humans do not have that capability, as we are not created to have minds as God.

I can't answer why suffering goes on, other than Scripture does say, He works everything out for the good of those that love Him. And I believe, He permits trials in our lives to have us confront our weaknesses, and our need of dependancy on Him! I believe He permits things to occur, to bring us closer to Him! To save us for eternity, where believers will have no more pain, no more tears, no suffering at all! And be reunited with the believers they sooo love, that have gone before them!

I find peace in my Faith, and get strength from my God! These are my strong beliefs, and perhaps you may find some comfort in praying, asking God to show you, or explain things to you...I pray that helps you. Please do not be offended by my beliefs or suggestions to you! I just know, He is the only thing getting me through daily!

I am trusting Him for my sleep, as I know that will come around. I choose not to see a Doctor for help, and thank you for suggesting this, but I really do not want to get on any medicine. I am thankful though, that this is currently helping you cope!

If you like, I will pray for you Frank! Maybe The Lord is just waiting for you to humble yourself before Him, and ask Him for help?? I know He is helping me so, even though I still suffer, I am very Blessed in so many other ways. And I do not want go be ungrateful, because I do believe it could be worse.

Thank you again, for your care and concern, and your suggestions of help! I do appreciate all of it!

Hugs to you to dear Frank! And no without a doubt, your wife felt you love!!.

I know the pain you are going though it is hard and lonely   and the crying  and hurt  yes i have to agree the lonliness is the worst i keep trying to be strong when im with others but when i come home to that empty house

im thankful i have God to turn to   and friends to keep praying for me and all of those going though this

some  days   i wish i could just here his voice again i do miss that every day it has been almost 4 years or me some days i think im doing better and then i fall apart  today is my husburn birthday so i went out with my friends but still when i got home im still alone   and the lonliness is still there    i keep praying to help to get though another day and he will we just have to keep trusting him  my prayers go out to you God Bless

 

 

 

 

Amen Vicki! Lord Bless you! Wow, four years...bet that time went really fast. I still find it unbelievable. Still doesn't seem real. When I pray, I ask Father to take the lonliness from my heart. Because in The Bible, it teaches us to ask, and keep on asking. And that God will answer us. Praise God! Yes, trust is the perfect word! We must trust! We have no choice, but pray n trust. I pray also for strength to make it through the day, and I am a walking testimony to the answer to that prayer! Thank You Lord! 

I suppose, the empty feeling, having loved sooo deeply, may never dissipate. I feel, it will just have to be a day to day coping thing, a different life style. Because we are trusting God! We are not in control, but trusting, is resting in His love and promises, and I believe that will someday bring rest! 

Just missing everything, n not getting a chance to talk about this...never expecting this...it's very overwhelming! That is why I need to focus only on the moment, and not past it. This too is Scriptural! I find comfort in this. I really don't know what is to come,  I pray to have a day without tears. I pray for peace, comfort, strength, healing, love! The Love of Jesus!

I pray you have better days, and for that lonliness to also leave you. This site is nice, because, we seem to understand what we are all going through. And if God can use just one word, one situation, one experience of any of us, to comfort another, there is Praise and thanksgiving in that! Praise God Vicki! Lord Blessings and hugs to you! And thank you! For your kind heartfelt words and guidance!

Jacky, I need all the prayers you can send to get me through this unbearable time. I feel guilty because I did not do more to save her life from doctors who did more harm than good in order to inflate hospital bills. She passed from an infection she got in the hospital from unnecessary surgery and I stood by and let it all happen without questioning what they were doing to her. Guilt makes the grief much harder to take. I never studied the Bible so I do not know where it is written that  your most loved will be the first one you see after death. I feel every loss that you feel but I do not have your religious faith to carry me through.

Jacky said:

Frank, Lord Bless you! I am sorry for your loss! Sounds like you and your wife had shared a very special marriage. And coming from a woman's standpoint here, I believe she knew all those regrets you mention you wish you could have told her! Being married that long, sharing a love, women know, in unspoken words, glances, touches, we just know! It is a feeling deep in our hearts! Take assurance in that! 40 years...WOW! What a Blessing! 

  • Well regarding God...I believe He is a Sovereign God! I believe He is in control of all things. The Bible says His ways are above our ways, His thoughts above ours. See, He sees the entire picture, the end from the beginning. I believe we as humans do not have that capability, as we are not created to have minds as God.

I can't answer why suffering goes on, other than Scripture does say, He works everything out for the good of those that love Him. And I believe, He permits trials in our lives to have us confront our weaknesses, and our need of dependancy on Him! I believe He permits things to occur, to bring us closer to Him! To save us for eternity, where believers will have no more pain, no more tears, no suffering at all! And be reunited with the believers they sooo love, that have gone before them!

I find peace in my Faith, and get strength from my God! These are my strong beliefs, and perhaps you may find some comfort in praying, asking God to show you, or explain things to you...I pray that helps you. Please do not be offended by my beliefs or suggestions to you! I just know, He is the only thing getting me through daily!

I am trusting Him for my sleep, as I know that will come around. I choose not to see a Doctor for help, and thank you for suggesting this, but I really do not want to get on any medicine. I am thankful though, that this is currently helping you cope!

If you like, I will pray for you Frank! Maybe The Lord is just waiting for you to humble yourself before Him, and ask Him for help?? I know He is helping me so, even though I still suffer, I am very Blessed in so many other ways. And I do not want go be ungrateful, because I do believe it could be worse.

Thank you again, for your care and concern, and your suggestions of help! I do appreciate all of it!

Hugs to you to dear Frank! And no without a doubt, your wife felt you love!!.

Jackie ... My condolences on the loss of your husband.  My husband passed away at age 65 on April 27, 2011 and I know how you feel as all of us do on this forum.  The first year I cried so hard I could hardly get off the sofa; didn't care about anything; didn't want to talk to anyone; felt unhinged; thrown into a strange world where I felt abandoned and completely alone.  All the feelings you have are very normal.  I hope you are getting some counseling such as Hospice's that offer grief counseling; even go to a church and talk to the Pastor; choose a good and loyal friend with staying power to be by your side and is willing to listen to your feelings.  See your doctor and explain you are not sleeping well because sleep is so important because as you know the grieving takes all energy out of your body.  Yes, it does hurt so much not having our beloved spouse with us.  I have lost a lot of weight over it even though I am eating well.  I am going into my second year and have learned much through my mourning.  I have no children, but do have a brother; sister-in-law and 2 nephews in their late 20's.  I was shocked that so many of my very long-time friends vanished out of my life because I no longer had a spouse and didn't fit into their circle.  However, I was pleasantly surprised to find some friends that I didn't think were there for me are. I still wake up wondering what is in store for me each day. 

Jacky, slowly the fog does lift believe it or not and that is a beginning.  All the feelings of grief you are experiencing are normal, but very painful.  Young or old we all grieve on this forum.  Some of us are into our grief for over a year or more while others such as yourself are raw with grief so lean on us and when you feel you are going crazy; don't want to go on; feel depressed please try to come on this forum and express yourself as we are now your extended family and if one falls down we are there to pick them up.  You may not think this forum can help because you can't see or touch us, but we're here and this wonderful extended family on here have saved my bacon more than once.  When there was no one in my personal life to pick me up and keep me going they did! 

Yes, I still want my husband back; yes I feel angry that we never got to live out our retirement years and I do believe their spirit is with us and certainly God watches over us.  Keep your faith Jacky and trust me when I say eventually life will get more tolerable for you.

Big hugs (because you need it)

Marsha 

Jacky i am sorry for your loss, I lost my husband 5 months ago, it has been very sad he was everything for me, now the hollydays are coming and I am terrified to face it. I really don't know what to do, like many people say one step at the time. I am glad to find this group, reading everybodys give hope and let me know that i am not by my self. Thank you

 

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