Anyone else out there that are years out of losing their spouse- I lost my husband 3 yrs ago this January- feel like everyone else around you is trying to forget the spouse... while you are clinging to the memories to make him (or her) feel like they were real...

As I said, I am almost 3 yrs in to this- and at times I feel "normal"... i say it that way bc I dont remember what the old Liz was like... I just know this other one that has formed to cope... But other times, I feel like I am fighting an endless battle to keep my Shawn present in my life and keep his memory alive with our children.  I feel like I am angering friends and family when I say Shawn used to like that( I truly dont say it often- I maybe bring it up a handful of times in a week)... I didn't have 20-30- 40-50 yrs that some people are blessed with... I had 4.5 yrs of marriage and 8 yrs together... and I think bc he was so young and died so quickly in our relationship people think its easier for me... its not.. I hurt. And I don't know whats normal and not normal to feel....

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I feel the same as you it has been just a little over a year that my Gene has been gone.  We were together 7 1/2 yrs and married almost 7 years when he was taken from me.  I say things like Gene did that ar Gene liked this, I really don't care if they like it or not.  I will never forget Gene and will always love and be married to him.  He was taken in a accident, I got no closure because it was closed casket.  I know what you mean about not remembering the old me.  Gene was only 38yrs old, so young to die.  I send prayers your way and Hugs.   Cindy

 

I lost Neal 13 months ago but it seems like yesterday.  Even though it has only been 13 months, I have already noticed people thinking I should be a lot better than I am.  We were married 40 years 8 months and I will always be married to him.  The pain is not as sharp as it was but the sadness is a lot deeper.  I have come to the conclusion that how I feel now is going to be my "normal".  I also can relate to not remembering the old me.  Hugs to all.  Linda

Liz, I lost my Kevin 3 yrs ago last mo & I, like you cling to the memories. I can at least look at his pictures now & smile & remember the good times. I felt like I lost a lot of "our" friends after he left, after most came to the funeral home, they never bothered to call me. We had no kids, but thankfully I have a wonderful family & good neighbors who all were there for me. It is hard to know what the new "normal" really is. I still find myself saying our house or Kevin's SUV, etc. Many think we should be "over it" by now; but what they don't know until they loose a spouse, is that we are never "over it!!"  We will have that missing piece in our heart until the day we are reunited in Heaven.  My way of dealing with my new "normal," is to just try & be the best friend, sister, daughter that I can be, and help others whenever I can.

Prayers & hugs!

 


Thank you so much for helping me realize I am not the only one out there... its hard bc everyone I know who lost their spouse is older... I mean I am currently 30- will be 31 in Jan. Its not "normal" to have lost your husband at that age... I have lost so many of my friends that were "our"friends... in fact, I can only think of one couple that were "our"friends that I even have contact with and I am so grateful for them. I moved on real quick in the beginning- probably bc I had to with 2 kids who were 2 and 1 then... but now as time passes I realize Im not as healed as I want to believe... I miss him. There isnt one day where something so small doesnt make me think of him... all the books i read early on and in my degree ( i have a masters in counseling..) say as time moves on you will think of them less... i dont agree.. everyone tells me to take the pics down of him bc all it is doing is hurting my kids etc... i've stopped listening though bc i found out by following my heart,i have done better for me and my kids... all i know is i miss him and i miss the old me...

I have been going to GriefShare.  I know it has been said before in our class, but I must not have heard it.  You never "get over", you get through it.  For some reason that gave me comfort and another reason to just ignore the people who think I should be "over it" and moving on.  Also Grief has no time line and I have learned to also follow my heart and whatever feels right for me is what I do.

Hugs to us all!

It has been 2 years and 5 months since Byron died; the second year has been in some ways, worse than the "magical" first year that many people seem to think that you get 'over' the grief and 'deal' with it.  The second year - you _know_ your loved one isn't coming back, you _know_ it in a very visceral way, and you have to face life without the person, at a time when everyone else has long gone on with their lives, families and pursuits.

I recently moved out of the apartment where we lived and he died (I'd lived there for 4 years); I have to pay the IRS for his 401k that he withdrew before he was 59.5, so I needed a less-expensive place to live. I'm living in a studio apartment (501 sq ft; the previous apartment was 3-bedrooms, 1330 sq ft, with laundry room and garage). I donated/gave away a lot of the things I had, as I knew they would not fit into the smaller space.  I consciously chose not to put up pictures I had of Byron, and all of his diplomas, licenses, etc - I bubble-wrapped and sent to his brother in Texas, because I had no more room, and because I know that his brother misses him just as much as I do, and he has a house with more room.

It's not because I'm trying to get him out of my heart and mind (nothing could ever do that); it's just that I decided that, like or or not, I have to go on with whatever life there is to be had, and that I felt that constantly looking at reminders of him in a new place was just not really letting him go.  I still have the pictures I took of him right after he died on my phone, and I hung up several Chagall prints and other artworks that he liked - so I do have things of his with me.

When I talked to his brother last week, discussing what I'd sent, I did break down when I told him, "I know you miss him just as much as I do", and his response was, "Yes, it still seems so unreal; I've lost the only brother I ever really had (there is actually another brother; the brother in Texas is the 'baby brother', and the middle brother is still alive; Byron was the oldest - the middle and youngest brothers are estranged).  I tend not to mention Byron to most people, because I can feel (and see) them squirm and become uncomfortable; I can talk about him with his baby brother, which is a good thing, as well as with the couple that decided to care for me right after he died - they invited me to dinner each week, they called, they kept up the connection.

We were married for 1 year and 9 months, but even if it were only for a day, I still miss him very much.

 

A Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving to you all; may God grant you comfort, peace and healing - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Hi Liz,

This January will be one year for me and I'm so lost without my husband.

I understand your pain and wish I could help you ease the pain a little.

I can only pray for you and ask God to help.

I still sleep in his leather and I wipe his harley down every day.

I'm so scared of the coming holidays and spending them alone but I have no choice.

So my head will be up and pain hidden.. Keep your head up and remember how special he is to you

Liz:  My spouse passed away two years ago.  You are not alone in not remembering "what the old Liz was like".  I know you desperately "want to get her back".  I hope you do................and I hope the same for myself and others like us.  It's so very hard for some of us to "let go and move on".  I wish I knew how!

Liz:  My spouse passed away two years ago.  You are not alone in not remembering "what the old Liz was like".  I know you desperately "want to get her back".  I hope you do................and I hope the same for myself and others like us.  It's so very hard for some of us to "let go and move on".  I wish I knew how!

My husband and best friend died on July 17, 2009.  Like most of you I have heard that I should be over "it" by now.  What does "it" represent to those who make this comment?  I will never get over the fact that Douglas got ill and died.  And I talk about him all the time and if someone is uncomfortable with that it is their problem and not mine.  Douglas existed, he contributed to society, he was a son, brother, uncle, spouse, step-parent and grandfather.  Until others have experienced the tragedy that we have they will never understand.  I am continuing to find myself and am learning to live out the rest of my life without him beside me.  However, he is with me spiritually.  Douglas was and will always be my hero and is the best guardian angel ever!  I am getting ready to spend my third Christmas without his physical presence.  Having the great memories we made and storing the love we shared in my heart is helping me continue along the path of grief, finding my new normal, and smiling again.  I wish all of you the best holiday season and together we will get through this!

 

Hugs,

Brigitte

I am 2 years and 4 months into losing my husband to lung cancer. This will be my 3rd x-mas without him. Each and every holiday with out him just gets a little worst each time they come around. Just this morning, I woke up thinking that the last 28 months were just a bad dream, silly me, i was happy to think that I was going to roll over to give my husband a big hug and tell him about my dream so we both could laugh about it. Only to turn over and not see him there and know he will never be there again. The pain was so sharp, it was like some one punched me in the chest. I don`t think I will ever get over the loss of him.......

Dear Liz,

My husband passed away 3/3/10 and I still cry every day and miss him like I did the first day he left. I will tell you what my sister told me, her husband passed away also, she said, "You will NEVER GET OVER IT, YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO GET THROUGH IT" So far she is so right, I will miss him until the day I am with him again, he was my heart and my other half. So what you should all realize is that we have a whole lot of people walking around like they are really WHOLE people and not just the part of one that is left.

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