Removing my wedding ring.....

Was hoping to get a little advice. I have many people tell me that I need to remove my wedding ring, or find another way of wearing it (ie. changing hands, or have it made into another piece of jewerly. "they" say that the only way for me to "move on", to find a way to move passed my grief is to make a concious effort to change my thinking from a married woman to a single one (or widow...still can't get used to that). I just can't do it. They are a part of me. My husband gave me both my wedding and engagement ring as a sign of our love and commitment. That love and commitment remains, it will always remain, so I don't think I should or could remove them. I am a strong believer in what marriage means, what commitment means. I made a promise to him. Aside from that promise, I love looking at them, feeling them on my fingers. They are a constant reminder of a better time. Right now, I do not view my life as something worth being in but those rings, those memories, are all I have left. I need to hold onto those because without those memories, I have nothing. He is my husband, he will always be my husband, whether he is here or not. I have been told this is nothing but denial and is hindering me from beginning to heal. Am I completely crazy?? or am I justified in wanting to just stop listening to all that think they know what this is like, even though they have never "been here"..

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Permalink Reply by Jo on May 18, 2011 at 4:17pm

I have also been wrestling with the issue of"when to take the rings off" I didn;t always wear my wedding rings.I liked to wear different rings,but I would always put my rings back on.I wear my Husbad's ring on a chain,and I will add mine to it .So.I'm not really taking my ring off,just movong it.I don't feel any less married if I am not wearing wedding rings and I am not trying to be deceitful,I'm not sure that removing your rings makes you'Move on" faster.It's a mind set.I still haven't put my Husbands clothes away.Can't do it.It has only been just 9 months for me and it's much too soon to make these very personal decisions,and no one one can or should tell you when it's the right time.I do think that taking off rings on any day that was meaningful to you and your husband-birthdays,holidays, might not be a good idea.

when and if you decide to take them off,you'll know when it's the right time.You can always put them back on.

Permalink Reply by Jo on May 18, 2011 at 4:17pm

when and if you decide to take them off,you'll know when it's the right time.You can always put them back on.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on May 18, 2011 at 6:01pm

Tess, the decisions about the rings is just as personal as the giving away of their clothing and things. We each have to do what we feel is right. My Bill has been gone 15 months now and I am finding myself wearing them less and less. I can't wear jewelry for my sub jobs, I don't wear jewelry around the ranch with the animals so it just happens. I do still wear them when I go out or like to church and stuff but then I'm not a jewelry person so thats part of it too. I have a heart necklace he gave me our last Valentines (he knew he was dying) so I have his ring with it and still wear it often but not continuously. Don't let others make you feel bad, it too is your decision. You will know when it feels right to put away or not..

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on May 18, 2011 at 6:08pm

I still wear my ring. "they " are always telling us what to do. What w e need to do is what feels right to us. Disposing of clothing or removing rings before we are ready will not speed up the Grieving process. We all do it our own way, in our own time.
How could"they" know what we are going through.
My ring signifies the everlas
ting love we had for each ever. A ring is a circle which goes on forever... I'm not taking it off any time soon.

Hugs. There is no right out wrong way. It is an individual thing.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on May 18, 2011 at 7:10pm

Tess,

Your question makes me cringe...."THEY" have no idea what they are talking about!!!! Who are they to tell you that you need to change anything???? This is your walk and you make the decision to do what is right for you! Don't let anyone talk you into anything you do not want to do...and that goes for everye decision you have to make from here on out...this is when you need to stand up for yourself and make yourself happy, after all everything else that is good, safe, and comfortable has been taken away. If it is safe and feels right to keep wearing your rings, then by all means...do so!!!

Okay, so as you can tell I am a little opinionated about this subject! I lost Tom 26 months ago and I still wear my rings. I will not leave the house without them...I AM STILL married to Tom and always will be!!! I insist that everyone still use Mrs...I hate Ms. and unless it is a government document I always check the married box on any paperwork instead of the awful word, WIDOW!! (HATE THAT WORD)

This is your decision to make and no one elses. Take the time you need to choose what works best for you.

Hugs coming your way!!!

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on May 18, 2011 at 7:39pm

tess i wouldnt remove it until i knew and felt i was ready.....emotionally.

Permalink Reply by Marianne on May 18, 2011 at 7:55pm

Tess, who are these people who are giving you advice about something that does not affect them? It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about what you "should" and "shouldn't" do. I wouldn't give their advice a second thought. Do what feels right to you.

Permalink Reply by Tess on May 18, 2011 at 7:58pm

Marlena, Thank you so much for your message. I totally agree (I m usually pretty opinionated myself but have lost my fight!) I have fought and fought for so much in this past year or so during his illness and I have no fight left. I have so many that "want to help" but I have completely shut myself off from people. I just feel likeI have lost all of who I am (or was). Not that I was not my own entity outside of my relationship but my husband made life beautiful. He made me a better person. He made me enjoy all of the beauties in life. Since his passing, there is no joy. I have fallen in this deep hole--I have tried to dig my way out but feel like I am using a spoon instead f a shovel. Everyday, I have thought about just giving up this fight but I have two very young kids who need me. I love them more than anything and feel like I am failing them because I am just in this immensely dark place. They deserve a better parent than this--they had one in their daddy, so why was I left here??

I have been trying to listen to others because obviously nothing I am doing is working....Thought I could get someone's advice to help me get out of this hole.

But yes, I agree...He is my husband and will ALWAYS be my husband. I have been "told" that I shouldn't keep that mentality because he is gone, and I still have a life to live. By keeping that mentality, I am shutting off the idea that someday, I could love again...but I have had my husband. I can't even fathom sharing life with another. I am still pretty young (34) but I know me--I don't know what the future holds for this world but I know that my heart belongs to him. It will always be his so my rings remaim. If that means that my "healing" is hindered so be it but I really don't think it will. If anything, I think taking them off would make me worse. I already have so much guilt for all sorts of things--from pushing him to get painful treatments on the slim hopes that he would get a miracle....to much more but taking the rings offwould be the ultimate betrayal I think. He put them on my finger--even when I took them off for cleaning, working in the yard, etc. He would get down on one knee everytime to ask me to marry him every time....and then put them back on. I just can't take them off without having him to put them back on.

I really don't see how taking them off would help me to heal. I relive the moment of his death multiple times a day, lose it completely often...the only time I really sleep is when I cry myself to sleep. Rings are not going to solve that. He was and is my heart.

Don't mean to leave everyone else out...Thanks you very much for your responses. Having all fo you as a sounding board is such a God's send!!!

Permalink Reply by Valerie Gernaga on May 18, 2011 at 8:29pm

Tess I share your same feelings. I also wear my wedding band as well as another ring that my husband gave me. I am not a jewelry person, but these rings mean so very much to me too. I still remember the day that we picked out our wedding bands and it makes me feel warm and cozy & reflects almost 35 happy years of marriage. In my heart I will forever be Mrs. Stan Gernaga, and don't care what others may think or say. I consider myself married and have no desire to be classified as single or widowed. If other people wish to change their marital status, that is their personal decision to do so, and I respect that. And others should respect OUR decision as well. I know that one day my husband and I will be reunited in heaven, so on this earth we may be separated by death, but our love and committmnt to each other is eternal. Just my 2 cents worth.

Permalink Reply by Valerie Gernaga on May 18, 2011 at 8:29pm

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on May 19, 2011 at 1:02am

You have gotten a lot of great consistent advice. You take that ring off when you are ready and not one second before. When someone makes a suggestion like that just thank them for caring and change the subject. Personally I felt I needed to take the ring off as it suddenly no longer felt right on my ring finger. I tried the pinkie of my right hand as I still was not able to part with it but it kept slipping off. Thanks to the suggestion of a friend I now wear it on a chain around my neck. That was MY solution based on my need and feelings. You do what fits you and that is perfectly OK. If others have a problem with that let it be their problem, do not make it yours. When they start carrying your broken heart for you then they can make suggestions. Since that is not possible do what is right for you. Rick Nelson sang it in "Garden Party." "ya can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."

Permalink Reply by Marlena on May 19, 2011 at 6:33am

Tess,

You are so new to this it will take some time to get your bearings. You have been through so much by taking care of your husband and working hard to get him healthy...this is a shock to the system, it's no wonder you've lost your fight. Being here will help to lift you up and help to guide you as you make this journey...we are all here to help.

In a very early post, I described this life as if I was looking into the abyss, there is nothing left, no future to see and no hope for a future. There will be a day when it is less intense. I don't think the hurt, pain, or saddness ever goes away, it just shifts a little and becomes tolerable. Now is the time to work through this in whatever way is best for you. Find that opinionated self when you need it and let others take care of you when you don't. You were lucky to have such a wonderful life and husband, he sounds very romantic. He will shine through in your little ones and they will become what motivates you (at least for me...my kids became the one thing I was willing to wake up for everyday). You are going to continue to be a wonderful parent. I know it seems impossible through this fog. They are hurting right along with you and a hug goes a long way. Hang on tight to your kiddos and to all the memories you have all made together. Share the memories of Dad with your little ones to help keep Dad present in their lives and honor him in all you do...that has been the one thing that has kept me moving forward.

I like what Chicago Beard said, "If others have a problem with that let it be their problem, do not make it yours. When they start carrying your broken heart for you then they can make suggestions." That is so true (never thought of it that way) and for sure you can never please everyone, you are the only one that matters right now!!

Blessings and comfort to you

and as always lots of hugs!