Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by janice shannon on June 13, 2012 at 12:54pm

Dear Jacky, So sorry for your loss, let me say that there is not a person on this website who has not stood right where you are, with emotions just as you said. These are all normal first reactions to grief.  Numbness, confusion, gut wrenching emptiness and unrelenting fatigue.  This website is a group of caring people that will offer you all of the support you can handle, we cry together, share together, laugh together and plan for a better day to come.   The best place to start is by taking care of your physical self.  You will have allot of things to take care of initially that will require allot of stamina.  Drawing strength from your family, friends and church is a good way to get you going initially.  Grief is unrelenting at first and you will find that you will have to deal with it at every turn.  Know that all of us understand whole-heartedly and are with you all the way.  Anytime you need to share we are here.   Prayers be with you,  Janice

Permalink Reply by Jacky on June 13, 2012 at 1:07pm

Thank you Janice.

I am in shock. I feel so much intense pain in my heart. I have no desire or joy.

It feels unreal. I am praying, seeking God for my answers, knowing only He can provide them. 

I feel alone, we were married just shy of 21 years, already "celebrated" that first milestone alone, and so soon after He went home to Heaven.

I am numb, we had no children, needless to say, I feel all alone. I have no energy to "keep busy, " as everyone says.d  it seems, family and friends just don't understand the intense pain, the lonliness, they try, and mean well, but they all have their own lives, their own families.  My husband and I are our family. Just him and I.

Permalink Reply by Jacky on June 13, 2012 at 2:00pm

ty Carol, I will pray also for you. I used to get so much comfort in prayer, but am ashamed to say I am not hearing God now. I see no purpose in this.

I am still lying in bed, did this yesterday all day. Everything is a mess, I feel like I am sinking.I have so much to do, but do only what I need to survive. Just so wrung out.

praying for you now too

Permalink Reply by Jacky on June 13, 2012 at 5:40pm

I totally agree with your thinking.  It is exactly how I too feel. Did you say you had children? We do not. if it wasn't for the bitterness and anger and resentment in my heart, and for our dog, I'd be ready to go. Because The Word says I can not get to heaven with an unforgiveing heart. And that is my focus now, heaven. I am praying for God to take it from my heart. I too feel foreign, like I don't belong in this world. I too feel as you do about hell. And I feel as if I nolonger want to be here.

Praise God, for me meeting you, FINALLY, somebody who knows how I feel. I am all alone.I am devastated. I am just so miserable. I fake my feelings when I do see people, because they are clueless. My family doesn't even know or understand. Only God, and my husband. It was him and I too, all the time.

This is so heart wrenching, like my heart and soul has been ripped out, half of my being gone, I am so heavy with despair. I am barely making it, only surviving, doing what needs done to get through the moment.

I have so much to do. I have to somehow, bury my husband's ashes in less than 2 weeks. How am I going to make it through? So much here to do. I feel I am sinking fast.

I am so sorry you are in this boat with me. It does feel like a nightmare as you said. I hate mornings, noons, and nights.

I am mostly alone, except when I go out to get sweet tea, or food. I have no desire to eat. I mean, I see people when I am out. I don't go out anywhere with anybody. I have to "fake" feelings to my neighbors, they are the only ones I see several times a week. 

Permalink Reply by Jacky on June 13, 2012 at 5:42pm

there are days I can't even find strength to get out of bed. 

God help us, I have to pray, I have nothingelse, nobodyelse.

I'm thankful I met you.

I'm so sorry it was here though...

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on June 13, 2012 at 11:06pm

Dear Jacky,

My heart goes out to you as you begin to journey down the path of grief.  Everyone on this site is here for the same reason and we are so supportive of one another.  My journey began July 17, 2009 -- and yet I still feel the loss.  It isn't as painful to think about Douglas or to talk about him.  The vice that grips my heart has loosened a bit; I still cry and yet it doesn't last as long and I don't have that feeling of not being able to catch my breath.  The first year was the most difficult because I (and everyone who has ever experienced this loss) had to deal with all of the holidays without my sweet husband.  His birthday is June 28th and this year I am having a party for him -- he would have been 65 -- a milestone of a birthday!  Every year I still purchase cards specifically for a spouse on those special holidays -- Valentine's day, Easter, birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, wedding anniversary, and the list goes on.  I display that card next to his picture that sits on my living room end table.  It brings me comfort to still express my feelings for him in a card and to enjoy that card as well as his photo.  Douglas was my best friend and he will always hold a special place in my heart and life.  My heart is missing a small piece since his death.  I think that is to be expected.  But I am slowly but surely becoming a whole person again.  My life is different, how could it not be.  I think differently, act differently, but he is still a part of me and always will be.  You will go through so many emotions as you travel the  path of grief and recovery.  I am so glad for the numbness that first year.  It helped not to feel and when that second year approached the numbness wore off but the pain was bearable.  I know that sounds odd but I believe we go through that for a reason.  I am not a religious person but I am a spiritual person.  We are all here for a reason and everything we experience in our life time is part of a plan -- and while I don't like the fact that Douglas died and left me alone I do believe that there is a reason for why it happened.  I am discovering new things everyday -- and that does lend some explanation for why I had to experience the loss of my best friend and husband.  Douglas was a kind and generous soul and I learned so much from him.  What I learned will continue to be expressed for as long as I am here.

Just know that you are among people who really understand and "get it" when you express an emotion that seems to be out of the ordinary.  Losing our loved one is difficult.  Friends and family will continue on with life as they always have.  Ours has changed and once you recognize that fact it does get easier to handle.  Don't feel slighted by the fact that friends and family members continue as though nothing has happened.  Your loss is yours to own and they don't understand that your life has been changed forever.  In time they will experience this loss and you will be there to guide them through the pain.  Your faith will be a comfort for you.  Expressing your feelings through this web site helps to release all of that pent up anger and feelings of loss and lonliness.  Just know you are not alone and we are here to help and guide you.  I will keep you in my thoughts and remember that you will get through this in time.  Don't rush your grief.  We all get through it at our own pace!  Peace be with you.

 

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Carinda Mickelsen on June 13, 2012 at 11:55pm

Oh my God - I am praying for both of you! I completely understand how you are feeling, because I've been in and out of the same place for the past 3 months. I know you can't even imagine this now, but in time, you will learn to get up, and move. I lost my husband Joe on his birthday, 3 months ago tomorrow. We were married for 27 years. We have two sons - our oldest was married 3 weeks before Joe passed and our youngest graduated last week. We had so many plans for after the boys were grown up and now I face the future without him.

Jacky, I'm so sorry you are in such pain. It's the worst pain in the world and I won't say it hurts less, it just doesn't hurt all the time. Carol, I agree with your advice - taking care of our physical selves is about all we can do, and that's not always easy either. I still have those days when I can't get out of bed but now I make sure they're only on the weekends.

Jacky, if you're not ready, don't bury your husbands ashes yet. I still have my husbands ashes at home because one - he'll be buried back east in a family plot sometime in the future and two - because I can't bear to part with him yet.

Please hang in there and come here often - it really does help.

Love and prayers to you both. Carinda

Permalink Reply by Jacky on June 14, 2012 at 5:20pm

Thank you for your kind words and advice Brigitte. Right now, right here, I don't want to go on. I don't want to be a different person, I don't want to be without my husband, as I know none of us do...I don't want a life without him. I pray, because my faith in God, His grace and mercy, is the only thing that will help me now. 

I am glad to see you are making it through, and you are taking your husband with you, and celebrating him. My husband was 65 as well. I already hit our "first" alone. Our anniversary was June 8th, 21 Precious years, we were together about 27 years. I grabbed our dog, took his truck, and went to our special place, where we celebrated. We spent the whole day away. I didn't want to talk to any family or friends. We just sort of ran away for the day. I preplanned it, a secret, with nobody knowing, as is different with everything else. My grief is exposed, People all through our home, moving things, looking through things, I felt violated. We are very private. During those funeral days, people telling you what to do, where to go, eat, rest, yada yada yada! I know they mean well. But when your life is so private and quiet, then exposed for all to see, every emotion, people see. I hate that.  Now nobody comes around, very lonely, and I hate this as well, Yoy!

I pray for God to help, to take this pain. It truly is unbearable. I hate death, I hate grief, I hate having to go through this, I hate being stuck here. I hate this pain, I hate this entire ordeal. And I hate being miserable, I hate the hate!

Lord's Blessings to you...

Brigitte said:

Dear Jacky,

My heart goes out to you as you begin to journey down the path of grief.  Everyone on this site is here for the same reason and we are so supportive of one another.  My journey began July 17, 2009 -- and yet I still feel the loss.  It isn't as painful to think about Douglas or to talk about him.  The vice that grips my heart has loosened a bit; I still cry and yet it doesn't last as long and I don't have that feeling of not being able to catch my breath.  The first year was the most difficult because I (and everyone who has ever experienced this loss) had to deal with all of the holidays without my sweet husband.  His birthday is June 28th and this year I am having a party for him -- he would have been 65 -- a milestone of a birthday!  Every year I still purchase cards specifically for a spouse on those special holidays -- Valentine's day, Easter, birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, wedding anniversary, and the list goes on.  I display that card next to his picture that sits on my living room end table.  It brings me comfort to still express my feelings for him in a card and to enjoy that card as well as his photo.  Douglas was my best friend and he will always hold a special place in my heart and life.  My heart is missing a small piece since his death.  I think that is to be expected.  But I am slowly but surely becoming a whole person again.  My life is different, how could it not be.  I think differently, act differently, but he is still a part of me and always will be.  You will go through so many emotions as you travel the  path of grief and recovery.  I am so glad for the numbness that first year.  It helped not to feel and when that second year approached the numbness wore off but the pain was bearable.  I know that sounds odd but I believe we go through that for a reason.  I am not a religious person but I am a spiritual person.  We are all here for a reason and everything we experience in our life time is part of a plan -- and while I don't like the fact that Douglas died and left me alone I do believe that there is a reason for why it happened.  I am discovering new things everyday -- and that does lend some explanation for why I had to experience the loss of my best friend and husband.  Douglas was a kind and generous soul and I learned so much from him.  What I learned will continue to be expressed for as long as I am here.

Just know that you are among people who really understand and "get it" when you express an emotion that seems to be out of the ordinary.  Losing our loved one is difficult.  Friends and family will continue on with life as they always have.  Ours has changed and once you recognize that fact it does get easier to handle.  Don't feel slighted by the fact that friends and family members continue as though nothing has happened.  Your loss is yours to own and they don't understand that your life has been changed forever.  In time they will experience this loss and you will be there to guide them through the pain.  Your faith will be a comfort for you.  Expressing your feelings through this web site helps to release all of that pent up anger and feelings of loss and lonliness.  Just know you are not alone and we are here to help and guide you.  I will keep you in my thoughts and remember that you will get through this in time.  Don't rush your grief.  We all get through it at our own pace!  Peace be with you.

 

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Janice F. on July 13, 2012 at 8:49am

I am new today, June 13.  People tell me the grief and pain will not go away, but that I will learn to live with it, in time.  I don't know if that will ever happen, I can only hope it will ease up somewhat so I can feel like I'm living again.  I feel so alone, as you say, and that nobody really understands, but I do understand what you are going through.

Permalink Reply by Faith J. on July 14, 2012 at 9:50am

Jacky,

I know just how you feel. I lost my Paul on May 25, 2012. It still feels unreal. I make by taking one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. I have several key people I can talk to, message on facebook, call &/or email when the grief is overwheming. God is ultimately the source of my strength and I trust Him even when I don't understand. I know ALL things work together for my good. Doesn't mean what happens feels good or even is good at the time, biut it WILL WORK FOR OUR GOOD. So keep putting one foot in front of tne other asking God for tne strength for that day. Praying God's peace for you.

Permalink Reply by Janice F. on July 14, 2012 at 7:36pm

Some people do understand, those of us who are taking this same sad journey as you are.  We have 6 sons and 11 grandkids between us, and yet I feel just as alone as you do.  I know exactly how you feel, as do the other wonderful people on this website.  Right now I don't know how to believe it will ever get easier or that I will ever feel normal again.  It has only been 3 weeks since my Don passed peacefully in his sleep.  I don't know what to do either, I just keep praying and talking to God, I can't get any relief from this unbelievable pain.  People tell me that He doesn't give us more pain than we can handle, but I find myself questioning that, and then asking forgivness for questioning and doubting.  I can't picture my life without him, but somehow I try to believe I (we) will make it, somehow.