So Lost and thinking about my anniversary

Hi. I'm Terry and I lost my husband on January 2nd in a horrible and tragic industrial accident where he was killed instantly at the end of the work day. I'm struggling so much to try to cope and run our business and my kids and I are so lost.

But the worst thing is just knowing what my husband lost, and what I've lost without him. Our 24th wedding anniversary is on Monday, St. Patrick's Day, and I am beside myself and haven't been able to stop crying most of the day. My husband was 51, and we were just getting back to "our time" now that the kids are older and almost grown. We didn't socialize much, so we spent all our time together and always did something special for our anniversary, even if it was just a nice ride in the car along the coast or something.

The empty feeling and loss of my identity that I have is indescribable, but I'm sure some of you already know that feeling. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom on how to cope with what used to be such a happy day--celebrating our anniversary? Next year would have been the big 25 years, and I can't believe it was all cut so short. My life was perfect in its own way, and now even my house doesn't feel like a home any more without him to fill it. We planned to grow old together, and now here I am 51 and I miss my husband so much each day I can't even stand it. I just want to scream and make it all go away, and I feel like as time has evolved I've found it harder to cope and I'm so angry.

I don't know what to do. I've been seeing a therapist when I can but it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't even stop crying to see what I'm typing. Oh, I need help. I have that "which way do I run" feeling.

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Permalink Reply by Marie on April 16, 2014 at 7:56am

Terry, I can tell you that I feel the same as you do. Everyday is a struggle and the whys and what ifs are always haunting me. We were traveling abroad because our son was getting married to a wonderful Bulgarian girl. We had a beautiful wedding and then decided to vacation with her parents , my brother and his wife and a good friend of mine in Greece. On our way back from Greece a car overtook us and hit a semi causing the truck to hit us. My husband got most of the impact and died shortly after. The brides father passed away 5 days later. I still remember my husband asking me if I wanted to switch seats with him since I was cramped in the back and I had said that I was fine. I can't get over the fact that maybe I should have taken that seat and all of this may not have happened. I'm trying to believe that I could have changed things which my therapist tells me is foolish. Just like you there were no goodbyes only sheer panic and terror. My husband was 62 and we were married for 39 years. Keep going for therapy and if you haven;t already then ask your doctor for some anti anxiety medication that you can take when things become extremely overwhelming. Keep busy with friends and family as much as you can but remember to take care of yourself and get as much rest as you can. Sleep at night does not come easy but perhaps a nap might help. Please write back and talk to me all you want. I'm here to listen. We both experienced a similar tragedy and can help one another get through this long journey to recovery. Marie

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on April 16, 2014 at 3:20pm

Hi Terry, hope u are a little better & listen to Marie's words, she is a wise woman & at least she has helped me a lot with her words & support.

Hugs my friend,

Elvira

Permalink Reply by Barbara Maier on April 29, 2014 at 1:22pm

Carol Kayser said:

Dear Terry. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Also the suddenness of the loss hasn't given you any advance warning (as in critical illness) to prepare yourself. Your grief is absolutely overwhelming and now your anniversary is looming. If there is a way to be with the kids and just talk about your husband or all just be together and cry and share the loss, if they are ok with that. It's best if you aren't alone on this day, not yet. The loss is too new. The first year is very hard Terry and things will slowly settle but expect to be crying a lot and that is ok, truly it is. Your heart and your body needs to grieve.

Just come here if you can and you will receive a lot of support from wonderful people.

Hugs,
Carol

Permalink Reply by Barbara Maier on April 29, 2014 at 1:37pm

Terry, my heart breaks for you, I'm going through much of the same heartache. My husband passed away in March, also without warning.so hard to accept, I miss him every minute of every day, he was my best friend my soul mate, my everything, I don't think life without him will ever be the same. It's a struggle to get by every day.it all feels like a bad dream. We both retired recently, and I never thought I'd be alone this soon.had so many plans that will never come to pass. He loved life, riding his motorcycle, fishing, getting together with friends, and always a new project to putter with in the house. Now the emtyness is unbearable, and the silence is even worse. Maybe this helps to share my grief with others who are doing the same, I guess I'm looking for comfort, somewhere, some how. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, as we both struggle to get by, warm regards, Barbara M

Permalink Reply by phyllis eldridge on April 29, 2014 at 7:23pm

Terry. I am so sorry for your loss. I know we are in the same boat. It's such a sad boat too. I also feel like I am lost. We spent all of our time together with my daughter doing things. I can't get over that feeling of, no this is not happening, he will be home tonight. I cried myself to sleep last night, wondering if he knew that I was sorry for all the things I didn't do for him, or say to him. I talked to an empty room hoping he could hear me. We talked about growing old together too. We were looking for a new house to spend the rest of our lives. And it had to have a nice porch so we could sit and rock together in our rocking chairs and watch the world go by. And now it's all gone. But you are right, our kids need us. If it wasn't for my daughter I don't think I could go on. I keep going because of her, just like you do because of yours. I wish I could tell you something to help you, but I can't. I too am looking for my way. If you ever need to talk I am here and understand oh so well. Take care of yourself. Hugs. Phyllis

Permalink Reply by Terry Kent on April 30, 2014 at 8:58am

Thanks Phyllis. I definitely know what you mean. I took my kids to a hockey game last night and it really cheered them up. It was playoffs and they were so excited to be there. It was a really good game but I couldn't help having tears in my eyes because I really wanted my husband to be there and I know how much he loved going. Every day I cry thinking about what he's missing that he still wanted to do. We hadn't even talked about things like dying yet--he was only 51 and thought we had so much more time. I always feel so bad for other people when these things happen and never dreamed the center of my world would be taken away so soon. I have a porch and those rocking chairs and we always laughed about when we got older and we'd sit out there and watch the cars go by and read the old magazines my husband was saving for old age. It's really hard going forward every day, yet somehow we have to. I wish I could talk to him again--I miss his voice and all our conversation. I know you know how I feel. Thanks for writing back. Take care, Terry

Permalink Reply by Theresa Wimann on April 30, 2014 at 10:34am

Terry, I do understand. My husband passed away in January and it seems like my world has ended. I cry all the time. I've seen psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor and still find myself feeling like a door has been slammed in my face. Keep going. It gets better. The pain never goes away but our heart accommodates.