I have read some of the other posts and feel comforted knowing the way I feel is normal after all for someone who lost a spouse. I decided to come up with a list of some of my most challenging things to deal with since my husband died 11/5/2010 in a car accident. This is a list of my top 40 (in no special order).
Some of the hardest things to cope with after you lose your spouse:
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Great list, Sheryl!
41. Having to move heavy objects
42. Having to sweep the garage
43. Having to take out the trash
44. Having to kill the spiders
45. Watching people squirm if you mention your dead beloved
46. Everyone else is happy about Friday.... while I just want to get through the weekend until, thankfully, Monday comes and work distracts from the pain
47. Having to deal with the Internal Revenue Service
48. Reading all the advice about - "Go out!" "Develop a new life!" - going somewhere and feeling so, so alone - and deciding that staying home is easier
49. Not being able to hear Rod Stewart's 'Sailing' without completely dissolving into tears
50. Being expected to be like Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy (a beautiful lady I admired greatly), who had be stoic and calm even though her husband was killed right next to her, with his blood, etc all over her clothing. And, the picture at the bier, where she turns little John-John around and he salutes - I cannot watch that without bursting into tears....
Peace, comfort and healing be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Wow how could I forget looking forward to the weekend after a full work week then feeling so alone once it is here! Good additions....
Wow, you are all so on target -- and I am just discovering more that I could add to the list but won't right now.....just want to say thank you all for making me feel not so "off" in that I can relate to each and every one of these points.
And doing things that must be done (I don't know which is more intense, the daily or the annual) that we had done together that now I must do alone (and which is worse, being able to do them as they were done or having them change somehow so that they are not the way we had done them together - can't please, right?).
And those songs, those songs that you want to hear but can barely hear - and what is worse, not being able to stop the tears? Or when you hear the song/s that you usually cry to missing him/her and this time you are able to get through it -- or have to get through it -- without crying?
Oh, being judged on how we grieve and judging ourselves on how we grieve....we can never do it "right."
But one thing is right, our spouses loved us as much as we love them and they are as helpless to let us know that now as we are able to let them know, so we have only to hold onto them and each other and reach out where we can - wouldn't we want them to be helped with the spiders and the heavy moving and everything else? Especially navigating the finances, we all need help. And who will be there for us if we become very sick and/or when we are too old to do for ourselves? It is not selfish to wonder that. Who will do for us what we did for our spouses?
You all hit on it all, and I just feel less alone reading your list. I wish none of us had to know these things.
But thank you and forgive my rant - I just logged on after experiencing so many of the list - lol! I should have waited to post, so forgive my raw nerve and know I appreciate your patience with me.
I have gone through that so many times too - it really hurts to be stood up by family and friends at a time when you need them the most. I am sorry you have gone through that with your sister twice. I have been amazed at who I can depend on (very few) and those I thought would be there and I never see them or hear from them.
That being said - I have been very touched by those who feel prompted to send a card to me letting me know they are thinking about me. They seem to show up on some of the darkest days and mean so much. I had someone that my husband and I have known for years but never socialized with come over and give me an oil painting of my husband and I that she created. It is amazing and very close to a photo. What a gift of kindness that was and work!
Be encouraged to know as alone as we all feel there are some out there who truly do care and want to reach out to us but don't know how. We need to educate them and that is partly why I created this list - I don't know if I will actually share it with anyone but I know now what to do for others like us!
Linda Gordon said:
Everyone is so right. I bet we could come up with some more for the list, but I just can't now. Not that I want anyone of you to feel these things on the list, but it makes me not feel so self-centered for experiencing so much on the list. If I think about it a lot, I just feel so overwhelmed that I can't do anything. Today I started off ok, then as the day progressed I got more and more depressed. This is the second Friday my sister has said she would come visit me after work and not showed up or called. I am by myself all day long and was looking forward to having someone to talk to.... well forget that. I'll chalk that up to #17 on the list. I guess people are tired of listening and seeing me cry and talk about Neal. Thank you all for this web site. I know you all understand exactly how I feel.
Great list, Sheryl!
41. Having to move heavy objects
42. Having to sweep the garage
43. Having to take out the trash
44. Having to kill the spiders
45. Watching people squirm if you mention your dead beloved
46. Everyone else is happy about Friday.... while I just want to get through the weekend until, thankfully, Monday comes and work distracts from the pain
47. Having to deal with the Internal Revenue Service
48. Reading all the advice about - "Go out!" "Develop a new life!" - going somewhere and feeling so, so alone - and deciding that staying home is easier
49. Not being able to hear Rod Stewart's 'Sailing' without completely dissolving into tears
50. Being expected to be like Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy (a beautiful lady I admired greatly), who had be stoic and calm even though her husband was killed right next to her, with his blood, etc all over her clothing. And, the picture at the bier, where she turns little John-John around and he salutes - I cannot watch that without bursting into tears....
Peace, comfort and healing be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins
I will be praying for you. I am so sorry that you have felt so alone and not being supported by your family and friends. I am only about 5 months into this journey and already can sense the difficult feelings we must face due to our loss. I am sorry that you are alone and trying to raise your children and deal with your own grief as well as theirs. I am a grandmother that helps in raising two of our grandchildren and they were with my husband when the accident that took his life occured. We are all trying to cope. Prayers definitely help - this is the worst pain I have ever felt. May blessings come to you today! My prayers (and I mean that) will be with you.
Sheryl
Dorcas Cummings said:
I know exactly how you feel. I feel all of the above and more. I lost my husband of 20 years on July 2009. It will be 2 years in July 2011. I did not realize how alone and lonely I feel. I really did not want to come back to this grief site because it is very depressing. But I realize I need this site because you all are the only ones that truly understand how I feel. My late husband's birthday is coming up and then our anniversary on top of that. I'm feeling very sad about now yet I know different emotions are meant to be vented out. I just hate feeling this way. I have a hard time sleeping through the night. I'm a single parent raising three children. I'm managing but it's definitely stressful at times. I thank God and for my children being their for me and definitely this web site. Sometimes I wonder where are the people I thought loved me, family, friends and everyone else. Since I lost my husband I definitely feel the intense lonliness .Please keep me and my family in your prayers. Thanks for letting me vent.
Great list, Sheryl!
41. Having to move heavy objects
42. Having to sweep the garage
43. Having to take out the trash
44. Having to kill the spiders
45. Watching people squirm if you mention your dead beloved
46. Everyone else is happy about Friday.... while I just want to get through the weekend until, thankfully, Monday comes and work distracts from the pain
47. Having to deal with the Internal Revenue Service
48. Reading all the advice about - "Go out!" "Develop a new life!" - going somewhere and feeling so, so alone - and deciding that staying home is easier
49. Not being able to hear Rod Stewart's 'Sailing' without completely dissolving into tears
50. Being expected to be like Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy (a beautiful lady I admired greatly), who had be stoic and calm even though her husband was killed right next to her, with his blood, etc all over her clothing. And, the picture at the bier, where she turns little John-John around and he salutes - I cannot watch that without bursting into tears....
Peace, comfort and healing be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins
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