Hi to all. After 17 months of LouAnn dying suddenly, I find that I am soo hurting from the devistation of her loss. With the fact that I almost died two weeks ago from an allergic reaction, I soon realized how alone I really am.She wasnt there with me for moral support.I have accepted that she is gone. I have accepted that there will be no call from her saying to come get her at the hospital.I havent accepted all that remains without her. The loneliness and emptyness and staying afloat financially.Our anniversary is next week, the second without her.I thought that maybe getting the people to call us who have unlimited minutes was a good idea.Only two did,now one.I have tried to input and share and vent.Sometimes I dont know how to respond.I think that its perhaps that I am a man but you know what? I have the same feelings and situations.LouAnn would say, "aw, thats just your imagination". But, shes not here. My pal is gone.Forty-four years with her and I am completely without purpose and meaning. I cant input anymore and the responses to me are few and far between. I want to thank everyone who has posted to me.I'm not letting you down, I am down.So its best for me to just listen to all of you. I still wish that I could take your hand and say, its ok, its ok. Hugs to all. Hugs are good. Hugs are real.

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Randolph, You are feeling down and with darn good reason. I know, because I feel down too. Life really stinks and there is nothing that we can do about it. I cannot pick up the pieces and go on with my life as though nothing has happened. I lost the only man that I ever loved in my life. He and I were very happy. I hate visiting him at the cemetery because that is not where he should be. He should be home waiting for me. And I hate it that he is not. I am angry with God for taking him and angry with him for going. I know this is stupid but that is the way I feel. It will be one year on October 4th that he was taken to the hospital and the last thing he said to me before leaving was "Honey, I don't think I am going to make it this time." I hear those words over and over and over. I did not believe that anything was going to happen to him. He was very strong and had been my strength to lean on for 46 years. Certainly you have the same feelings, you are a living person and people have feelings and it is not something that is just for women. My husband was very sensitive and would cry with me over a tv program. That did not make him any less a man. Randolph, I don't think that anyone is not responding because they don't care. I think that there are so many new people on this site since we came on and we don't really know them. We got comfortable with Virginia, Peggy, Barb, Mary, Suzanne, Kathy and maybe a few others. Some of them have moved on to Facebook and don't come back here too often. Some others have maybe just been able to go on with their lives. Not all of us are able to do that. Maybe we need a different way to communicate. I did give you my phone numbers and you are free to call me anytime that you need to talk. If you don't have unlimited minutes, I would be happy to call you right back. Please don't give up. I wish that you had LouAnn and that Phil was still here with me but that is not going to happen until we are fortunate enough to join them in their new home's. Until then, we will try to get through this day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon.
Randolph, You are feeling down and with darn good reason. I know, because I feel down too. Life really stinks and there is nothing that we can do about it. I cannot pick up the pieces and go on with my life as though nothing has happened. I lost the only man that I ever loved in my life. He and I were very happy. I hate visiting him at the cemetery because that is not where he should be. He should be home waiting for me. And I hate it that he is not. I am angry with God for taking him and angry with him for going. I know this is stupid but that is the way I feel. It will be one year on October 4th that he was taken to the hospital and the last thing he said to me before leaving was "Honey, I don't think I am going to make it this time." I hear those words over and over and over. I did not believe that anything was going to happen to him. He was very strong and had been my strength to lean on for 46 years. Certainly you have the same feelings, you are a living person and people have feelings and it is not something that is just for women. My husband was very sensitive and would cry with me over a tv program. That did not make him any less a man. Randolph, I don't think that anyone is not responding because they don't care. I think that there are so many new people on this site since we came on and we don't really know them. We got comfortable with Virginia, Peggy, Barb, Mary, Suzanne, Kathy and maybe a few others. Some of them have moved on to Facebook and don't come back here too often. Some others have maybe just been able to go on with their lives. Not all of us are able to do that. Maybe we need a different way to communicate. I did give you my phone numbers and you are free to call me anytime that you need to talk. If you don't have unlimited minutes, I would be happy to call you right back. Please don't give up. I wish that you had LouAnn and that Phil was still here with me but that is not going to happen until we are fortunate enough to join them in their new home's. Until then, we will try to get through this day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon.
Randolph,

I just want you to know, that even though I don't reply often, that doesn't mean that I don't care about what you are going through, and hope that God gives you the strength to endure. To be honest with you, I think if I had went first, my husband would be going through the same thing your are, and it makes me sad. I was all he had, and we did everything together. I am more outgoing, and being in sales all my life, I found and met people easily, still do. For him it was not so easy, nor did he care about having guy friends. All he wanted to do was spend time with me. So when I read your sad posts, I don't respond because it makes me think of him, and I don't know what to say, other than I hope you find some peace from the hurt you are going through. You are not letting anyone down, we are all hurting, and just venting helps tremendously.
Hugs to you too, I will include you in my prayers tonight.

Nancy
Thank you Connie, you are right on. I know all of these things too but I just cant help feeling that way. I know there are many new people and that their loss is new. I know that we cant respond to everyone.
And you're right, I am really down. I didnt post for the attention. I just feel so alone and was taking things like I thought I saw it. This sucks bigtime, huh? Sometimes, I guess, we have to make an butt out of ourselves to realize how wrong we are.But I guess its in our nature to sometimes be wrong to know what is right. Does that make any sense ? It does get hard after awhile to respond to some of the people because "you just dont know what to say". I hate to be negative so much but ,afterall, there isnt much to be positive about.We do share and understand and lend our ears.The problem is that there is to many things going wrong and the devistation is even more so.Hugs to you and to all. Hugs are good.
Thank you Nancy, I didnt mean to offend anybody and I didnt post for the attention. I am so down and with all thats happening around me, the "being alone" is outstanding. I just dont want to be negative so much but I just cant help it.
The worse problem I have is that I still wake up at the time LouAnn was pronounced in the a.m. and we left the hospital. Even with meds.I do wish that I could wave a magic wand and makes things right. Or hold all of your hands and say, its ok, its ok.Hugs to all. Hugs are good.
Randolph, I too am pretty down right now. Very tired and that makes it worse. I remember reading a book a long time ago called I'm OK You're OK. I need to find another copy but the gist of it was a feeling is a feeling, the same for each of us, male or female, young or old, fresh grief or aged. I seem to jump or slide from one stage to another often with lightening speed. I'm sure that you will have better times again but I also know how hard it can be, to see the daylight at the end of the dark tunnel. Hope all our tomorrows are better.
Thanks for your honesty Randolph. I'm so sorry about your nearly deadly reaction but most of all for your feelings of aloneness. I am feeling the alone part more than ever too. Our house is in the woods and I used to enjoy it freely. Now that I am alone I carry a flashlight and my phone to walk the dog at night in case I step on a copperhead because no one would ever know or care that I was in trouble. I hate being alone. I hate knowing that Martin will never be there for me ever again if I need help. His death has affected me emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically but most of all I miss that he had more confidence in me than I did in myself and it felt good and safe. I think it's safe to say we are all down and need a listening ear. I appreciate you.
Randolpy,

No offense taken. We all know you are going through a rough time too. It would be hard waking up at the same time LouAnn was pronounced......I don't know what that means, other than you are re-living it every freaken day. That's awful. Yes, I wish I had a magic wand too, but I know that is a fantasy and it will never happen. I know you are missing the same things we are, the touches, the kisses, the conversations, the humor and laughter, the silly things that happened that made us crack up. None of that is happening anymore, just lonely days and lonely nights right? I know, I hear you. I am trying to keep busy. I have an interview tomorrow for a part-time job in an Attorneys office. My daughter's friend is married to the Attorney, and I am sure she menioned to her that all I do is hybernate in the house. I know they worry about me, and think if I get a part-time job, I will be fine. They mean well, but they just don't know. I do hope it helps with keeping my mind off of things though, and Lord knows I can use the extra money.
Take care Randolph, just send me a message if you need to talk ok?

Nancy
Thank you Audrey and Victoria. LouAnn always had the confidence and I never did.I miss that. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.
Thank you Nancy, good luck with your interview. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.
Thanks Randolph, sorry for the TYPO on your name above. I should proof read my writing before I post it.
Nancy, typos are accepted, they are part of chicken pecking. I always try not to but they do slip.

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