Still Hurting

Hi to all. After 17 months of LouAnn dying suddenly, I find that I am soo hurting from the devistation of her loss. With the fact that I almost died two weeks ago from an allergic reaction, I soon realized how alone I really am.She wasnt there with me for moral support.I have accepted that she is gone. I have accepted that there will be no call from her saying to come get her at the hospital.I havent accepted all that remains without her. The loneliness and emptyness and staying afloat financially.Our anniversary is next week, the second without her.I thought that maybe getting the people to call us who have unlimited minutes was a good idea.Only two did,now one.I have tried to input and share and vent.Sometimes I dont know how to respond.I think that its perhaps that I am a man but you know what? I have the same feelings and situations.LouAnn would say, "aw, thats just your imagination". But, shes not here. My pal is gone.Forty-four years with her and I am completely without purpose and meaning. I cant input anymore and the responses to me are few and far between. I want to thank everyone who has posted to me.I'm not letting you down, I am down.So its best for me to just listen to all of you. I still wish that I could take your hand and say, its ok, its ok. Hugs to all. Hugs are good. Hugs are real.

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Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 23, 2010 at 11:26am

mary, thank you for your message. Yes, thank God for all of us to be here for each other. We do have this place to come to in our hour of need. Its so sad that we have such devistation to share and live thru. I am so glad that we have this site. We truly share and understand when all else is failing us. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 23, 2010 at 11:33am

Suzanne, you dont come on as "pushy" or anyway else. We all try our input into seeking the help we need. I tried the support groups and the meds,ect.. It just doesnt work for me. I guess I am not that "normal" of a person. I mean that in a funny way as "normal" in our family doesnt exist. Its Murphy's Law LOL. We kill the messenger in our family. Then, of course, there is no normal for our life without our spouse.Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 23, 2010 at 11:51am

Hi Randolph,
Now see there you go again, being a kind, thoughtful person again. What'd I tell ya. You see, I think maybe I temporarily become a super-oversensitive child as I once was since Dan passed. I have come a long way in the getting my self-esteem department and it's not you, it really is me. I thought because of what someone else said that I might have seemed that I may be forcing my own ideas, but I know in my heart it was never intended but I thank you for letting me know that. That's why, in my opinion, we are at a bit of a disadvantage on grief sites as we don't get the fluctuation and (I) may misinterpet others comments. I'm pretty sure some replies I made in the past got misinterpreted. That's why I would love for you to be able to feel better as I do at times when I talk out my feelings. I'll say no more about it. I completely understand. I am just so so sorry for your pain. I'll pray for you especially harder and ask God to give you whatever you need, be it strength or comfort. I know what we all want. This is just so difficult. I feel I am very fortunate that I am unable to work so I probably should find something else to do besides stay in and moan all the time. I also feel fortunate I don't have children to raise at this time. It must be so hard to manage one's life with other responsibilities. We all have similarities of the pain of grief but we also have differences in how we live our own lives. I hope you find some peace today. One day at a time. God bless and sending (hugs).
With love,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 23, 2010 at 12:02pm

Suzanne, I thought that only I am the over-sensitive person. Thats my problem. I keep those feelings and let them fester. LouAnn is not here to balance things out for me for I am useless without her. I can be quick to react to things and have no one to "calm" me down. Thats just the way it is. Thank you for your support. We all do have our different lives but we share so many of the emotions and problems and the living on due to our loss.All I will say is this, my world ended when LouAnn died suddenly. hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on September 24, 2010 at 8:30pm

randolph, i do not post as much as i used too, mainly because i dont feel very positive and i dont want to bring others down. however this is a site that we should be welcomed to express exactly where we are at. i am sorry that you feel so down. i know exactly how lonely you are feeling. i am their too. i am sure that it was devasting to you two weeks ago with your allergic reaction. we are so used to our love one being their for us and now they arent. i too, am so fearful of what the future holds for me because the one person who really truly loved me is gone. i also think it is wonderful that you are here to respond to all of us women in such a kind and gentle way. i know speaking for everyone that we are glad that you are here. i for one do understand your feelings and you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 24, 2010 at 9:54pm

Cindy, thank you for your toughts. Yes, its hard to post when you are not in a positive mood. Its hard for me as I am always kinda negative anyway,let alone suffering in our loss.Their are some positive words to say once in a while but again, the reality is always there. All we can do is support and share in our lives as only we understand. Hugs to you and to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on September 25, 2010 at 6:21pm

Bill,

So sorry that you are still hurting, the first year Anniversary I am sure is very hard, mine will not come until May 1, the Anniversary of his death, then May 4th our wedding Anniversary,and still thinking about how I am going to make it through those days. My thoughts are with you. One of our friends on this site made the comment that the anticipation of the day or event is worse than when it actually happens. Let us pray that this is the case for you.

Take care,
Nancy

BILL said:

It will be my 45th anniversary on Monday. We were together for 44 wonderful year before she passed. Oct. 7th will be one year she is gone and I still feel the same as that day. I understand about your pal she was my BEST FRIEND and only friend. That is what is making it so hard. Feeling as you do I can not find anyone to turn to but I have my memories with her and that helps. I hope if you can make it maybe I can. Best of luck.

Permalink Reply by Connie on September 25, 2010 at 8:43pm

Randy, you are not a wimp because you miss LouAnn. And you are no less a man because you are hurting because you no longer have the woman that you love by your side. There is no law that a man can not be emotional. My husband would get emotional and I loved him even more for that. You are a human being not a machine. You have feelings and you feel the hurt from your loss just as we all do. If you need/want to talk please feel free to call me on: 732-841-2433 (cell) or 732-985-9544 any time that you need to talk. If you would prefer, send me an e-mail with your phone number and e-mail me when you want to talk and I will call you back.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 25, 2010 at 11:16pm

Bill, I am so sorry for your loss. I was married for 44 years also to the love of my life. I know your pain and your loss and I too have no one to turn too except the friends on this site. We truly understand. The world has ended that we had and knew.The memories are great and I also was blessed with her singing voice on CD. She sang as she talked and it makes hearing it more wonderful. Our anniversary is next Weds.The second one without her. And yes, the anticipation is worse then the actual day but the day will still be painful. The mere fact that LouAnn is not here with me is an anniversary in itself.Every minute,hour,day,week,month is an anniversary of being so alone without her. Cannot offer any comfort to you except that we can,on this site,give you understanding and caring and sharing our stories.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 25, 2010 at 11:25pm

Connie, thank you for your kind message. I will e-mail you my phone # but its no secret anyway. I was a pretty strong man,the hungarian in me, but turned to mush when LouAnn died suddenly.I just cant seem to get a grip. Being alone with the dealings of life and struggling,to realize there is no meaning or purpose of continuing on, is just unbearable. My pal and companion is gone. The pain is still there as Bill said, and that shock will last forever.Hugs to you and to all.Hugs are good.