Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tess on March 15, 2013 at 11:29pm

It will be two years next Thursday for me... And I feel the same. Life goes on around you...they move forward, and you just can't. I wish I could tell you it gets easier... It doesn't. You just finally come to realize the shitty reality. It becomes more real... Not better or easier. Two years, and I still am in a hole I can't get out of. Two years and I can barely breathe. Best of luck to you.... Tess

Permalink Reply by Brenda Lee on March 16, 2013 at 12:14am

Hello Tamu....my husband has passed as well and it's been two months. I'm tired of being tired, we have four children; I have work (no one to help support us) Sometimes I myself wonder how much longer will this feeling go on...unfortunately there is no time.....I too want to SCREAM!! I wouldlove to have my husband back, and like you he knew all he needed to do was hold me in his arms and my world would be safe...there are times when i feel as if I'm standing on a ledge....with no safety net, wondering if I'm going about life the way right way. I wish sometimes I could call someone in my shoe or situation and cry or sit and stare at the walls.....they wouldn't even have to say anything.  I

Permalink Reply by Julie Larsen on March 16, 2013 at 9:34am

Tamu,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Charlie 11 months ago. Like you, I did not know what had hit me. Civilians have no idea what is wrong with us. I can't solve your heartache, mine is still with me.

 

Early on I read this on some internet grief site (possible even this one). I have used it to try to explain to others what it is like to lose everything. I hope you might find it usefull, too.

"Although each of us here knows all too well how catastrophic the loss of our spouse
has been, trying to impress this on those around us, probably none of whom are
widowed, is often a frustrating task. So I recently went looking for a one page
explanation (the attention span of most people) of what specifically makes the loss
of one’s spouse so ‘unique and devastating’. But, after finding nothing suitable on
the web or in print, I decided to take on the question myself.

Below is an attempt to briefly explain the true extent and unique nature of our loss,
how devastating that loss has been to our lives, and the tremendous challenges we
now face. Words alone may never be able to truly convey these to the non-widowed,
but words are all we have. Perhaps the following ones can help.

====================================================


Unique and Devastating Loss (by WifeLess)

With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other,
partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely
loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt
the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human
bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The
one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend
and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended
on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us
as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life,
as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse,
and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as
well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them.
The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership
we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced.
The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we
never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival,
increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional
challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We
must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine
our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new
network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To
formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while
suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back.
Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death,
either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further
endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to
forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most
insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted
we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed
to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who,
just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral
support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to
complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For
nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other.
And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one
other death only. Ours."

I don't agree with the part that says "forget". I know Charlie is with me and we will be together again someday.  I wish you peace.      Julie

 

Permalink Reply by Sabrina Parker on March 18, 2013 at 9:27am

Sooo very sorry for your loss Its almost been a year since my King left. I wish I could say it gets easier... I heard get over it..a therapist said i was hurting myself by holding on...my oldest son wishes i would move on. Until others walk in our particular shoes they should not give out negative feed back. It upsets my spirit really. I wishes everyones pain can turn upside down because this is not an easy journey. I wish you peace and health through your journey....Hugs

                                                                                                                                            Sabrina