The Beginning of the End

I started another book on grief and recovery and this paragraph really stuck.

"One day you will come to realize that you have started to remember some of the negative things about him or her. You will actually know that you are beginning to heal when you can recall a more balanced, objective memory of your loved one. Your grief will eventually resolve only if you mourn a human, not a saint. So in order to complete the grief process, you must eventually look closely at the whole relationship, the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly."

The author says it is perfectly normal and part of the grief process to idealize our spouse and only let ourselves think of the great wonderful things about them during this mourning process but eventually we will begin to remember they were human. We tend to blame ourselves for them not going to the doctor sooner, blame ourselves for not making them quit smoking sooner but we must remember they were adults who made these choices for themselves. It is just easier right now to blame ourselves than to be mad at them because they are not here to defend themselves. This is all perfectly normal. We are human too. I hope no one thinks I am being negative or anything. Just thought this was a good reminder. Another of her comments tells us to stop covering up our grief and letting others think "we are fine". NO YOU ARE NOT she says. Don't cater to the feelings of others, it is not helpful. Surround yourself instead with people who "get it" and will allow you to tell your story of grief over and over or cry when you need to without judging you. It is not time for you to get on with your life until you are good and ready, AND DON"T ACT OTHERWISE. This makes me think of all you wonderful friends here. Thanks for being here for me. Hugs to you all.

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Permalink Reply by Jerry on February 20, 2011 at 10:35pm

My wife passed away 13 months ago and it feels like the time just flew by, I never remember a year going by so fast. I retired a few years ago due to my wifes illness, then after she paased away I had been busy taking care of my mother who passed away last week. I guess most pepole have no idea what it feels like to lose a spouse at an early age. I remember when my grandparents passed away, they were up in years, and died a few years apart, this is what i felt was the norm. But I feel that I may be facing many more years of greiving if that is in Gods plans. Maybe thgat is why time seems to be goiung by so fast.

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 21, 2011 at 7:08am

Suzanne,

You are not alone- I agree with you 100%, so if you are wrong about this healing thing, I am too. Some wounds never completely heal.

Suzanne said:

Hi Kathy,

I hope you don't mind my giving my opinion but I know my husband with all his imperfections, faults, shortcomings and issues as well as my own, good, bad, ugly makes no difference because I miss him and grieve for him regardless. I would rather see him on his worst day alive and nothing would heal me unless I were to have him physically with me. I don't think of him as a Saint, I love him because he is human and because he's my husband. Maybe it's the author's opinion but I have heard this objective statement before but I don't agree with it. To me, this would not mean I am healing, I would think it would mean my heart is turning to stone, but that's just my thought. And my thoughts are not everyone else's thoughts, but I understand we all have our own perspective. I have heard time and time again for the last year and 3 weeks that one really never gets over grief, they just learn how to manage the pain. I don't think grief ever really gets resolved.

Regarding telling others that I'm fine when I'm really not, I know what you mean. But, I want to be careful who I let in to my confidence. It just opens up the door for more explaining and with certain people that I know, they'll never understand in a million years until it happens to them. Maybe this is somewhat naive, but I would hope they would never have to find out. However, I really do believe in surrounding ourselves with only those who "get it." Also, I couldn't agree with you more about the author stating it is not time to get on with our life until we are good and ready. I'd like to add we would be the only one to know when we are ready. Like I said, my comments are just the way I think, so I truly hope I didn't offend anyone.

God bless, Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Marlena on February 21, 2011 at 8:46am

Kathy,

I have heard about trying to be real and remember the loved one for who they really are. I have laughed at that because I know I have put Tom on a pedestal, but I put him on the pedestal long before he passed. We had such an amazing relationship and he was such an amazing man I couldn't help it. Even my mother-in-law commented to me last week how she loved watching me with her son because she could just see how much I adored Tom just by the way I looked at him.

I still have days where I yell at him for leaving me and putting all of his through this. If only the accident never happened we could be living our lives like we were supposed to. I know I can't dwell on those thoughts, but he gets an earful every once in a while.

When people ask my how I am, I want to say to them...You really don't want me to answer that...you really don't want to know the truth. Most of the time I just say ..I"m doing and leave it at that.

Thankfully, I have all of you here that will listen to me rant when I'm having issues and you all know exactly how I feel.

I am so grateful to have everyone here!!!

Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on February 21, 2011 at 5:30pm

Kathy, thanks for postings this, as I think it says a lot that is very meaningful. At first, we don't remember anything bad about our spouse, and God knows they were only human and all had faults. We do in time learn to remember & recoginize that those things were part of our relationship. The important thing is to remember the great times and good memories. I do agree that it is best to be around others who really understand, and that's why I loved this group in the beginning & continue to try & support others. This loss we suffered is unique and so different than anything imaginable. You have to have lost a spouse to understand what is is all about. That is why we have each other & have been so helpful to each other. Thaks to all for your love & friendship.

Permalink Reply by Charlene Ozawa on February 21, 2011 at 5:31pm

Kathy what book are you reading? The advice sounds very practical. My Aunt who was widowed at 51 and is now 72 said something similar. I was 54 when Michael died and did blame myself for his health etc. A year before his health problems started and I was trying to get him to quite smoking, loose weight etc I was very angry and asked him if he was trying to make me a widow. He was mad and gave one of his characteristic shrugs and said "so be it". When he got sick he brought that up and said how sorry he was. The first set of heart attacks were related to his smoking. I told what was done is in the past and we had to concentrate on the future and getting him well. 11 months later he was gone. For awhile I thought if only..... It has been eight months and I am passing through the now what do I do with the rest of my life stage... And cry I do... I tried to say I was fine to most people but I am not. Sort of adrift. I have a great job, wonderful grown children etc. but in the dark of the not when he is not there to discuss our day etc. I feel so lost.... My Aunt went on to have a great life and tells me you never forget or get over the pain (it will be 20 years for her this April) but life goes on. Hugs..

Permalink Reply by Jackie Rucker on March 1, 2011 at 1:06am

Floss said:

Maggie, I am also going down this road alone, and it is awful, those that have not lost a spouse, just dont get it. I dont get calls anymore, and that is so hurtful, people think I can cope, when really that is just the opposite. I just say to myself what comes around goes around, omg, dont even know if that is the correct phrase, my mind goes really blank, and I am hating that, lol. I am angry at the moment, but dont show it, as I feel the rejection of others not in my shoes. SORRY I reposted this, as I try to edit and it wouldnt let me. I go to 2 and sometimes 3 groups some weeks, and that is a good outlet for me. And I just feel the people there, are better than my family at the moment, how weird is that

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on March 1, 2011 at 8:10am

I have no time to go to groups....there are few in my area. I joined one that meets the first Thursday evening of every month. I can't go this month. I really like coming to this site. I am so surprised and pleased that I found you all. Tomorrow, will be three months since Dave passed. I had a difficult Sunday, and even yesterday, I found myself on the verge of tears all day. I have a wonderful support group here at work, and also a sister and a close friend who have lost their husbands. They call me every week just to see how I am doing. Sometimes, if I really need to talk to somebody, I call them. I adopted two cats just to have living beings in the house to talk to. We are still in the getting to know you stage, and when I started crying on Sunday, they took off for other parts of the house. I keep myself busy with work and music and now my cats during the week, but on Sundays, I have a difficult time doing more than I have to. I love to hear stories of my husband, and I often tell my own to people. We had such a happy life together. Most of his family is still in touch with me. I will be moving out of our home in the near future, and into a house that I own. I never realized how difficult this would be to leave my home.... Floss, perhaps your family is suffering as you are, and cannot come to your aid. Both my sister and my friend had big time problems with their grown up children. I think it might be a common occurance. Have patience with them as you wish they would have with you. I pray that you become close to your family again in the future. Hugs to all of you!!!

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on March 1, 2011 at 8:13am

Charlene Ozawa said:

Kathy what book are you reading? The advice sounds very practical. My Aunt who was widowed at 51 and is now 72 said something similar. I was 54 when Michael died and did blame myself for his health etc. A year before his health problems started and I was trying to get him to quite smoking, loose weight etc I was very angry and asked him if he was trying to make me a widow. He was mad and gave one of his characteristic shrugs and said "so be it". When he got sick he brought that up and said how sorry he was. The first set of heart attacks were related to his smoking. I told what was done is in the past and we had to concentrate on the future and getting him well. 11 months later he was gone. For awhile I thought if only..... It has been eight months and I am passing through the now what do I do with the rest of my life stage... And cry I do... I tried to say I was fine to most people but I am not. Sort of adrift. I have a great job, wonderful grown children etc. but in the dark of the not when he is not there to discuss our day etc. I feel so lost.... My Aunt went on to have a great life and tells me you never forget or get over the pain (it will be 20 years for her this April) but life goes on. Hugs..

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on March 1, 2011 at 8:43am

Kathy, thanks for sharing this. It really does make sense. We loved our spouses through the good and the bad so just because we can remember some of the bad doesn't mean we love them any less or miss them any less. Hugs to you.