The third year

June 26, will mark three years since losing my wife Dawn to cancer and heart disease. There was a time when I would go mountain biking, come home and tell her about my rides. I haven't ridden in awhile now, last few times I did; I came home like any other time to an empty house (almost).

Our dog Mira welcomes me, but not seeing Dawn on the couch, or coming home from shopping has a big impact on me. Theres no one to say "I'm home" to, she's not there to answer me back. My home feels like a museum now, a t.v that barely is turned on; since I watch most everything in the bedroom.

I also lost my job shortly after Dawn passed, due to a berating boss that kept harrassing me to "ask to work overtime," this, while my wife was in an Intensive Care room dying. I reported him for discrimination; two months later they severed me in Dec. 09' that ended a twenty two year employment. That is a whole other bad time I won't get into here.

In 2010 my father-in-law and two aunts passed away, my father-in-law was ill and his health went downhill after my wife passed, he even left messages that he'll be wih his daughter. The two aunts; one was my uncle's wife, the other was a woman that was like my aunt, cancer took both of them. This third year feels like it all happened just yeaterday, yet it feels like an eternity, not having a job hasn't helped either. I sit here and type in a very quiet home hearing the louvres move to the slight breeze, one day last weekend I could swear I heard Dawn call my name, but I heard it in my inner ear.

Coming here and reading other peoples posts has helped me alot, my sympathies to all of you. Where do I go from here? I meant to post much earlier and didn't know where to begin; now I'm not sure where to stop.

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Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on June 16, 2011 at 9:59pm

No need to stop. We all know the pain you suffer, my wife passed 2 days after Thanksgiving 2010 after a short battle with Lung and Abdominal Cancer. In a crowded room I feel alone, I no longer find much joy in all the things we used to do together that we loved to do so much. I talk to her always wishing she would answer back or I would wake up and it would just be a bad dream, but it is a too real.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on June 16, 2011 at 10:58pm

Maximo,

You have been through so much, it has to be hard to get a grasp on everything. You have had too much loss in such a short time. I hope you will continue to share when you are able. For me, this place has been a Godsend, it is the one place I can say anything I need to and know that someone out there completely understands and doesn't have to cringe because I have said something to make them feel uneasy.

I am 27 months in and it doesn't seem to get any easier as time goes on...somedays it's just different and maybe more manageable. I do everything I am expected to do to keep everyone else from feeling uncomfortable. Granted, I know I have changed and progressed through these past couple of years, but what I wouldn't give to have my Tom back as well as the life that we cherished so much. The loneliness never goes away.

Sometimes it's all about baby steps and one breath at a time just to make it through each day. With everyone here for encouragement...we will get through...hang tight~

Permalink Reply by Floss on June 17, 2011 at 3:14am

Max no need to stop. I live on here, eventhough I dont post much, but it is like a lifeline, after I lost my husband 12 months ago. I feel so empty, thank goodness I dont work, I would never be able to concentrate. I have no motivation at the moment. I also lost mum, 8 months after my husband. Its so hard to get it into my mind that I will not see him home again. I go for counseling, and meet up with people that have lost their spouses, and that has helped the lonliness. What an inconsiderate employee you had, unfortunately they are about. I go to the shops, and say to myself what am I doing here, and end up going back home. I also talk to my mate, all the time. Whenever I go out to places, I half enjoy stuff. Life is just not the same, I feel a different person. Just cant wait for the day I will get back to feeling, me. Take care

Permalink Reply by Maximo Lopez Jr on June 24, 2011 at 3:36pm

Thank you all for your replies, I truly see that everybody here understands so well, I just want to wish everyone the best.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on June 24, 2011 at 11:07pm

Hello Maximo, dont stop posting. If you are alone and have no one that you can tell your feelings to, this site will help im sure. It seems everyone here is going through the same things. Besides my wife passing away 16 months ago,I lost my mother and an aunt and uncle in the past 6 months. Where do we go from here,I just dont know. I guess that answer is in Gods hands.Hang in there.

Permalink Reply by Maximo Lopez Jr on August 11, 2011 at 9:51am

Thank you for your prayers Margarita and I'm sorry for your loss. We lost our oved ones just days apart; I wish you the best.

margarita chacon said:

Hi maximo My Husband Pass Also On June30 2008 In A Motorcycle Accident And I Know The Pain You Going To Im So Sorry For You And All Of us In This Site That has To Live With This Pain That Never Goes Away It gets A Bit easy Sometimes But The pain Its There Sending You All My prayers.

Permalink Reply by Michele on August 19, 2011 at 3:11am

Maximo,

My heart goies out to you and the loss of your wife. I am pretty much on the same page, today marks the 2 year anniversary of my fiance's accident that took his all too short life 4 months before his 40th birthday. Your post felt as if I could have written it as i have that same empty, waiting for the front door to open just one more time so i could be certain he knew exactly how much my boys and i loved him and what a role model he had unknowingly been to them. I guess the one positive emotion i find myself having from time to time is feeling so utterly blessed that we were given almost 8 years to share as a family. My youngest son, who was 9 at the time, stood up at Tim's memorial service to retell a fishing story he and Tim had shared that will forever be imprinted on that boys' personality and those kind of memories are helping to shape my kids into future good-to-the-core kind of men, the very kind that my Tim was. He was a rare one. Never disrespected me by running around, always stood beside me...even a couple of times i am sure he knew i was in the wrong but loyalty and respect for his "people" was one of his greatest qualities. If you were lucky enough to have been able to call him your friend, you were blessed with something no amount of money could ever buy. I miss him every second of every day still. I am a little more creative about finding excuses for the constant red eyes i have from crying and crying, i cry because i miss him, i cry because he died in our driveway (which we still reside at the same place) so unbelievably stupid and tragic. i mean, who the hell gets killed due to a stupid rut in a gravel driveway they are traveling down at a max speed of a whole 15 miles an hour?!? It was such a freak accident it has never happened in this complex's 30 year history and most likely will never ever happen again because it just shouldn't have been an accident that resulted in a fatality. i cry because my boys had to witness the whole nightmare, i cry because my oldest son is so screwed up i think because he didn't want to seem disloyal to his father and therefore kept Tim at a distance mostly and it kills him inside knowing he never got the chance to let Tim know how much he really did mean to him. I think Tim knew and also knew that he would never do anything to disrespect my son's relationship with his dad so he never pushed him for more than he was willing to give and was good with what Brady did give him. I cry because i can't imagine the pain his mother must feel every day when the thought crosses her mind that she can no longer see her baby again. i cry because i know i am selfish when i start to feel angry at him for leaving me here alone when we had our whole lives left to live together. I will say a prayer for you and for your heart to somehow heal, thank you for your heartfelt post and i believe your wife knows she is a very lucky woman to have had you in her life and if they can, i know they miss us too and if they could would wave a magic halo and take away our pain, i do believe i would let them......

Permalink Reply by Maximo Lopez Jr on December 11, 2011 at 10:21pm

Michele said:

Maximo,

My heart goies out to you and the loss of your wife. I am pretty much on the same page, today marks the 2 year anniversary of my fiance's accident that took his all too short life 4 months before his 40th birthday. Your post felt as if I could have written it as i have that same empty, waiting for the front door to open just one more time so i could be certain he knew exactly how much my boys and i loved him and what a role model he had unknowingly been to them. I guess the one positive emotion i find myself having from time to time is feeling so utterly blessed that we were given almost 8 years to share as a family. My youngest son, who was 9 at the time, stood up at Tim's memorial service to retell a fishing story he and Tim had shared that will forever be imprinted on that boys' personality and those kind of memories are helping to shape my kids into future good-to-the-core kind of men, the very kind that my Tim was. He was a rare one. Never disrespected me by running around, always stood beside me...even a couple of times i am sure he knew i was in the wrong but loyalty and respect for his "people" was one of his greatest qualities. If you were lucky enough to have been able to call him your friend, you were blessed with something no amount of money could ever buy. I miss him every second of every day still. I am a little more creative about finding excuses for the constant red eyes i have from crying and crying, i cry because i miss him, i cry because he died in our driveway (which we still reside at the same place) so unbelievably stupid and tragic. i mean, who the hell gets killed due to a stupid rut in a gravel driveway they are traveling down at a max speed of a whole 15 miles an hour?!? It was such a freak accident it has never happened in this complex's 30 year history and most likely will never ever happen again because it just shouldn't have been an accident that resulted in a fatality. i cry because my boys had to witness the whole nightmare, i cry because my oldest son is so screwed up i think because he didn't want to seem disloyal to his father and therefore kept Tim at a distance mostly and it kills him inside knowing he never got the chance to let Tim know how much he really did mean to him. I think Tim knew and also knew that he would never do anything to disrespect my son's relationship with his dad so he never pushed him for more than he was willing to give and was good with what Brady did give him. I cry because i can't imagine the pain his mother must feel every day when the thought crosses her mind that she can no longer see her baby again. i cry because i know i am selfish when i start to feel angry at him for leaving me here alone when we had our whole lives left to live together. I will say a prayer for you and for your heart to somehow heal, thank you for your heartfelt post and i believe your wife knows she is a very lucky woman to have had you in her life and if they can, i know they miss us too and if they could would wave a magic halo and take away our pain, i do believe i would let them......

Permalink Reply by Maximo Lopez Jr on December 11, 2011 at 10:48pm

Michele I am sorry for what you are going through, I have not been here for a while; but I believe I needed to respond to your message. it's taken me awhile.

I too also have one of those "spots" where "it happened" and have to go by it every day. For me it's where the paramedics fell with her when she was taken away from home for the last time. We had stairs that were not lit properly or had railings (still don't have railings), it was a trip hazard and the paramedics fell into the bushes with her strapped into a seated tranport. I walk past it everyday, so I know what you feel going past that "spot for Tim".

I'm sorry you have lost someone who was such a paradigm in your life, as was Dawn in mine. You do not deserve to live your life in pain and I hope some one will come to take that away, or at least distract us. Until then, we will just do the best we can, I don't know what that means; but like anyone else, feel free to e-mail me at anytime.

Max

Maximo Lopez Jr said:

Michele said:

Maximo,

My heart goies out to you and the loss of your wife. I am pretty much on the same page, today marks the 2 year anniversary of my fiance's accident that took his all too short life 4 months before his 40th birthday. Your post felt as if I could have written it as i have that same empty, waiting for the front door to open just one more time so i could be certain he knew exactly how much my boys and i loved him and what a role model he had unknowingly been to them. I guess the one positive emotion i find myself having from time to time is feeling so utterly blessed that we were given almost 8 years to share as a family. My youngest son, who was 9 at the time, stood up at Tim's memorial service to retell a fishing story he and Tim had shared that will forever be imprinted on that boys' personality and those kind of memories are helping to shape my kids into future good-to-the-core kind of men, the very kind that my Tim was. He was a rare one. Never disrespected me by running around, always stood beside me...even a couple of times i am sure he knew i was in the wrong but loyalty and respect for his "people" was one of his greatest qualities. If you were lucky enough to have been able to call him your friend, you were blessed with something no amount of money could ever buy. I miss him every second of every day still. I am a little more creative about finding excuses for the constant red eyes i have from crying and crying, i cry because i miss him, i cry because he died in our driveway (which we still reside at the same place) so unbelievably stupid and tragic. i mean, who the hell gets killed due to a stupid rut in a gravel driveway they are traveling down at a max speed of a whole 15 miles an hour?!? It was such a freak accident it has never happened in this complex's 30 year history and most likely will never ever happen again because it just shouldn't have been an accident that resulted in a fatality. i cry because my boys had to witness the whole nightmare, i cry because my oldest son is so screwed up i think because he didn't want to seem disloyal to his father and therefore kept Tim at a distance mostly and it kills him inside knowing he never got the chance to let Tim know how much he really did mean to him. I think Tim knew and also knew that he would never do anything to disrespect my son's relationship with his dad so he never pushed him for more than he was willing to give and was good with what Brady did give him. I cry because i can't imagine the pain his mother must feel every day when the thought crosses her mind that she can no longer see her baby again. i cry because i know i am selfish when i start to feel angry at him for leaving me here alone when we had our whole lives left to live together. I will say a prayer for you and for your heart to somehow heal, thank you for your heartfelt post and i believe your wife knows she is a very lucky woman to have had you in her life and if they can, i know they miss us too and if they could would wave a magic halo and take away our pain, i do believe i would let them......

Permalink Reply by Carol Aka on December 14, 2011 at 6:28am

It is been three and a half years since my husband died of a heart attack. I thought that I would be better, but I am not. I am just going through the motions. I want to move through this, but I seem to be unable to do this

Permalink Reply by Carol Aka on December 18, 2011 at 4:25pm

I lost my husband three years ago to a sudden heart attack. I thought that I would be better, but I am not. Sometimes it is worse than it was then. I am trying so hard to get through this, but everything feels like a punishment.

Permalink Reply by Maximo Lopez Jr on January 14, 2012 at 9:24am

Carol, I'm sorry you lost your husband so suddenly. I lost my wife to breast cancer, and heart disase, both took their time with her. For me three years and six months had gone by on December 26th, just like you I thought I would get better, but many times just feel worse, and punished. I feel I missed her this past holiday season more than I ever did. You are not alone in feeling that way, and coming to this site has brought me some comfort; as it will for you I hope. I haven't been here for a while and am recently logging in here again, I have found comfort in reading what others who understand what we feel share in here. I wish you the best.