Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on August 8, 2010 at 12:42pm

Kim, you have just read my mind. I think about what you have just written all the time. We had almost two years from the time my Bo was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer till he passed. All our time was spent fighting to keep him alive. It's very strange and even I can't explain it but the last year, we grew further apart. Like he was in his world and I was in mine. We were together....but apart like we were so afraid to get close because it would be harder to say goodbye when the time came for him to leave. I regret that so much! At Bo's service, the Pastor said "Do not dwell on the 'could haves" "should haves" but just remember the good times. What he said has helped me try to put away the regrets. I hope it helps you..........With Warm Aloha, Linda/bolynn

Permalink Reply by Mary on August 8, 2010 at 1:26pm

To Kim and BoLynn,

What you both are describing are coping mechanisms. We all cope with things differently, and that doesn't make it wrong. BoLynn, you said the last year you grew further apart. Both you and your husband were trying to get through what lay ahead, and as hard as that feels now to you, it was the way you both coped with it. Kim, you said you never accepted the fact your husband was dying. You wish you had said things to him. That would have been so hard for you, but especially hard for your husband.

I had no idea my husband was dying, I didn't see it coming. He had cancer for only 6 months, and went through chemo and radiation. The cancer was "gone". He should have gotten better, at least for a while. Yet, five weeks later he was gone. Was I in denial? I don't know if I would have wanted to know, and I am so glad Jim didn't know.

Life is so unfair. None of us wanted this. The bad memories will fade, to be replace with the good ones. And soon I hope. Hugs to you both.

Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on August 8, 2010 at 2:20pm

Kim,
You can never hope to say everything in your heart before you soulmate passes to God's hands. I don't think there is one of us that after the fact thought of something we could have relayed to our soulmates.
Just know that he was with you because he loved you too, and now that he has passed into God's other hand he is probably thinking the same thing.
Don't feel horrible about that because just because you are thinking of him he knows. Don't be surprised if in a dream or in the minutes after you wake up that you don't think you hear him saying the things he wanted to say but didn't.

My wife of 32 years passed after a long illness and she passed to God at our home in her sleep. That was May 31st, 2007 and I still wake up expecting her to be there, and then I know in her way, she is.
I am somewhat like David who wrote that he is making 2 steps forward then 1 back, Think of the last things you said to your soulmate, mine was "Good night babe, I love you" and she died in her sleep. David's situation is slightly different than either of ours in that his soulmate was taken without warning, something that all of us would never take for granted now knowing the pain we experience day to day.

Believe me...He knows.

God bless,
Fred Dunn

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on August 8, 2010 at 6:33pm

Kim, my deepest sympathy for your loss! I know what you mean when you say I should have but did not, I have done the same when my husband got cancer. When the his "horrible" oncologist told my Baby Fernando he would never became a grandfather I wanted (still do) kill this man who thought he is god, he changed from being a proud man, father to .... being empty. I never told him about my feelings because that meant I would give up on him and I was not going to this. We both fought and we both were scared, bless my Baby Angel he must have been going crazy in his mind, but to talk meant we had negative thoughts. I am so mad that we did not talk and so angry with myself not to be able to handle it better. I always said I LOVE YOU BABY AND DO NOT GIVE UP! I made him feel like if he talked about those feelings he gave up fighting cancer and therefore things were left it unsaid. Every day and night I think of what I should have said or could have done! I wish I could thank what he done and what kind of person he made me.

with lots hugs

Permalink Reply by mary heinrich on August 8, 2010 at 6:57pm

hello My husband,Gordy passed away novemeber 19th 2009 after a 10 year battle with 3 types of cancer. We as well never talked about him dieing. It was probaly more my fault because i didnt want to accept that someday he would die. When he told me he knew he was dieing i would break down and cry- no you cant leave me - sure there were things unsaid - but throughout our years of marriage,we both knew how thankful we were for the other one - I to had so much more to tell him - do i feel horrible because of it- no Remember all the good times - we lived life and loved life together right up to the end -

Permalink Reply by Connie on August 8, 2010 at 8:29pm

I don't believe that any one of us can accept the fact that our mate is going to die. The doctors can tell us what is happening but in your heart you do not believe that it is really goint to happen and at least, not now. I know that is the way I felt when my husband was in ICU for 5 weeks. Although I told him that I loved him and would always love him and did not want to live without him, he was so heavily sedated that I don't believe he heard a word I said. I did not stay with him the night that he passed because I did not believe that it was going to happen. We had a meeting scheduled with the doctors the next morning to discuss stopping treatment but I still did not believe that he was really critical. I was sure that he would recover from whatever it was. Dying was just not in my mind. Now, I sit here alone and tell myself what a fool I was for not staying with him and being there with him when he passed. I am only 10 minutes from the hospital but I could not make it in time. I will never forgive myself for not being there to hold his hand when the time came. All our lives, I was with him through everything and at the end I was not. Tomorrow is 9 months and I feel horrible. I wait for the day that I am reunited with him. Until then, I know I will never be happy again. I love that man so much and miss him so very much. So you see Kim, you are not the only one going through the 'what if's' and thinking what you 'should have done'. We all are feeling the same. I hope that you can get some comfort knowing that you are not alone. May God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 8, 2010 at 11:05pm

Kim, I'm so sorry for your loss and i agree with everything that has been said here but i did know and so did my husband that he was going to die and he really was ok with it because he wasn't the man he use to be and didn't want to live depending on all the meds and oxygen he turned into a recluse and only would leave the house for his DR. app. he really liked his DR. at the V A hosp. because she was frank and honest with us and was so thougtfull, and told us many times you know what the next step is going to be but also very caring and always asked how i was holding up, so we had time to talk and i tried in vain to get him to help himself live a little longer but he said he wasn't afraid to die, boy i used to get so mad at him and would tell him he didn't care about leaving me alone, but he said he knew i would be alright then when i got sick and couldn't do a lot of the basic everyday things he got so scared that i would die before him he said he couldn't handle that and he didn't want to be alone he always told me how happy i made him and how much he appricated me taking care of him so we did have those types of talks he lived 10 yrs. being sick then had a massive heart attack at home out of nowhere he didn't have a heart problem i am so very thankfull we talked and knew what and how we felt about each other so i feel blessed in that. the only thing i wish is to have had more time together, god bless

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on August 8, 2010 at 11:07pm

Hi Kim,
i understand, my husband had kidney failure and was on dialysis for 8 years, while we fought the disease every day, and he was so close to getting a kidney, we still talked about death and dying and how I was to go on after he died. We talked about it lot. But you know what, there are still a million things I would have said,/ we all have unfinished business. I got to the hospital 10minutes after he died, and I was so sorry that i didnt get in that last "Ilove you" , I wanted to know if he was okay when he left...I hated that I wasnt there to ease him through it....I was plagued with feeling " was he upset with me , was he frightened, was he sad"???so on. Then a very gifted person that I know, came to me a few days after the service,and told me that Byron had communicated with him after pasing and said that before he died, he was thinking of something that I would do to make him laugh , when he wasnt feeling well/" He said it was something only I would know about, and that no matter how bad he felt , whenever I did this thing, he would laugh'. He said that he was thinking of that when he left, and tht he left in a joyous way. "Well Kim,, the thing that I would do was a silly dance ,(in the buff) where I would do a Beyonce-like dance,and he would just crack up laughing. " Might I mention that I am not built anything like Beyonce, and I dont look one bit like her, Im 5'9" tall and weigh over 200 lbs. And I would give him a big grin( without my dentures in). We had lots of fun together. So I bet your husband knew all the stuff you wanted to say.

Look, you stayed with him when he was given a bad prognosis, you loved him so much you couldnt talk about it,,,,everyone is different...You didnt run away from him....that says it all....I dont know what you beleive in, but I beleive you can still tell him....Or ask God to tell him. i will pray for you to forgive yourself for being human...

Love
Debbie

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on August 8, 2010 at 11:23pm

Connie,
you have read my heart. I too live ten minutes away from the hospital but did not make it back in time. I was with my husband every step of the way through the 8 year ordeal of being on dialyis, cardiac surgery, toe amputation,s ,,,and the end a leg amputation, and so much pain ,,,and endless ups and downs.
Still, this man was not a list of med problems to me,,he was my husband, we loved each other deeply.
I was at the hospital every day , for the 2 weeks tht he was there. But the last day, it was clear that things had gotten very bad, and they told me they were putting him on ventilator to ease his breathing...they never said he was critical, they never said death was so close...I went home to get some rest,,,and when they called me and said to come, I dashed out, but he was gone before I got there....I wasnt there to hold his hand,,smoothe his brow, and tell him good -bye....I hate that....but then one our grief members said to me that the nursing community informed him that most try to leave whenthe loved ones are not there, to spare us the pain...Randolph told me that(HUGS ARE GOOD). That helped...But i really knw howyou feel,,,,Had i thought he was leaving that night I never would have left his side...never. I have to believe that he understood....i am so sorry I wasnt here....Love him so very much..
Debbie .

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on August 8, 2010 at 11:27pm

Kim,
I pray for myself as well, I wasnt at the hospital when he died. I went home to get some rest. When they called me to come , and I missed it by a few minutes.....I didnt know he was so close to death,,,I never would have left his side. Ipray for myself, too,,,,to forgive myself.had I known i never would have left the hospital that night.

Love and prayers
Debbie

Permalink Reply by judy on August 8, 2010 at 11:43pm

My husband died suddenly of a massive heart attack this past Jan. I have thought about all the things I would wish to say I had time only to say, "Tim, don't leave." I don't think he heard that. I think all I wanted to say, bout a million things, boils down to, " I love you, I know you love me, I don't want to live in a world without you in it." However, I do think he can hear me, so gradually over the past six months I have told him all the things I wanted to say. The only problem with that is you can't hear the response.

Permalink Reply by Kim on August 9, 2010 at 7:23am

Thank you for sharing your stories. Sometimes I just need to know I am not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes thinking too much (and I am always thinking) can drive a person crazy. Sometimes I just need some words of encouragement to get me through the day.

God Bless You All

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