Even though I knew my husband had cancer and his prognosis was bad I couldn't accept it. We never really talked about him dieing.

 

There were so many things left unsaid. I should have told him how much I would miss him. I should have told him what he has meant to me all these years. I should have told him thank you for being my husband and putting up with me. I should have told him how sorry I was for all the stupid things I would get mad at him for. I should have told him he would always be in my heart. I should have told him I will never forget him. I should have told him thank you for all he did for me.

 

I should have told him so much and feel so horrible I didn't : (

 

 

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Replies to This Discussion

Kim, I don't know about you but I think of my husband constantly. He passed 9 months, 2 hours and 23 minutes ago and he is never off my mind. Maybe thinking of him keeps him here with me, I don't know but I know he is always with me and always on mind. We all need to know that we are not the only one dealing with this kind of life. The people on this site are great and they have been a tremendous help to me. I am sure that we all benefit from it.
Hi to all, I just wanted to say that my wife died suddenly during a nap. I never had a chance to say goodbye. We were soulmates to the point that there was nothing we needed to say. It would have been nice to have had that time but I know she didnt suffer. They said she had 2 strokes and a heart attack, practically all at once.I did hear her die and see her dead. Something I will NEVER forget. I did mention awhile back that nurses and healthcare people say that your loved one always waits for you to leave, for whatever reason, to die. Please dont feel guilty about not being there when that happened. But I know it will eat at us forever.
To deborah diggs, great fuuny story you shared about dancing in the buff. I have no rhythm and to see me dance and even be in the buff also would be a moment in time that would never be forgotten LOL. A great moment for you to have shared with your loved one. Hugs to all.Hugs are good
debrorah omg how funny it really mad me laugh, when we were alone i always wore just a shirt mothing else, neither one of us liked cloths and everytime he would ask for something i'd go get it and when i would come back in the room he would have a huge smile on his face and say i love my nacked waitress lol and i also would do silly dances lol ,those kind of memories are priceless and help in the process i will always cherish our life and memories

deborah diggs said:
Hi Kim,
i understand, my husband had kidney failure and was on dialysis for 8 years, while we fought the disease every day, and he was so close to getting a kidney, we still talked about death and dying and how I was to go on after he died. We talked about it lot. But you know what, there are still a million things I would have said,/ we all have unfinished business. I got to the hospital 10minutes after he died, and I was so sorry that i didnt get in that last "Ilove you" , I wanted to know if he was okay when he left...I hated that I wasnt there to ease him through it....I was plagued with feeling " was he upset with me , was he frightened, was he sad"???so on. Then a very gifted person that I know, came to me a few days after the service,and told me that Byron had communicated with him after pasing and said that before he died, he was thinking of something that I would do to make him laugh , when he wasnt feeling well/" He said it was something only I would know about, and that no matter how bad he felt , whenever I did this thing, he would laugh'. He said that he was thinking of that when he left, and tht he left in a joyous way. "Well Kim,, the thing that I would do was a silly dance ,(in the buff) where I would do a Beyonce-like dance,and he would just crack up laughing. " Might I mention that I am not built anything like Beyonce, and I dont look one bit like her, Im 5'9" tall and weigh over 200 lbs. And I would give him a big grin( without my dentures in). We had lots of fun together. So I bet your husband knew all the stuff you wanted to say.

Look, you stayed with him when he was given a bad prognosis, you loved him so much you couldnt talk about it,,,,everyone is different...You didnt run away from him....that says it all....I dont know what you beleive in, but I beleive you can still tell him....Or ask God to tell him. i will pray for you to forgive yourself for being human...

Love
Debbie
KIM: DO NOT PUT YOURSELF THRU THIS I AM SURE YOUR HUSBAND KNEW HOW YOU FELT TOWARD HIM WE ALL GET INTO SOME KIND OF FIGHTS AND ARGUEMENTS IF WE DID NOT WE WOULD HAVE NO MARRIAGE THERE IS NOT A PERSON THAT CAN SAY THEY DID NOT FIGHT OR ARGUE. THAT IS PART OF A MARRIAGE. YOUR HUSBAND KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM HE KNOWS THE LOVE YOU HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL HAVE. WE CANNOT POUND OUR HEADS AGAINST THE WALL AND KEEP ASKING IF I DID THIS OR IF I SHOULD HAVE DONE JUST THINK YOU BOTH KNEW HOW MUCH YOU CARED ABOUT EACH OTHER AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. KIM DO NOT KNOCK YOURSELF OUT YOU HUSBAND IS WATCHING OVER YOU AND SAYING STOP THIS RIGHT NOW I KNOW YOU LOVED ME AND I LOVE YOU SO PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS AND ENJOY THE MEMORIES YOU HAVE
Death is a subject that not many people talk about or feel comfortable talking about.The problem is, it is a fact of life and nobody will avoid it.As a CNA, I saw many people die various ways.It taught me alot about life and the importance of communication on all levels, including dying.It does not make the grief process any easier though.As much as John and talked about what he would like me do, telling him how much I loved him and felt I would not be able to go on after he died- I am still here trying to figure out what in the world happened.I`m sure your husband KNEW how much you loved him and miss him and hopefully like John he would say-"Don`t worry and cry after I`m gone- go on with your life and be as HAPPY as you can".That is the best medicine you could ask for.
In my situation my Martin was taken off feeding tube, oxygen and IV and was moved out of ICU to a regular floor after spending months of being in ICU. My mother was staying with me and we were all talking of how we were all going to live together after this and help each other. My mom convinced me to leave the hospital and go home to sleep after night after night sleeping in ICU waiting room in case he needed me. I gave my number to the nurses and said to please call if his condition changed at all. When I arrived back the next day, late even, waiting for my mother who was in no hurry at all who wanted to go together. When we walked in the door it was evident immediately his condition had deteriorated through the night. I insisted he be moved back to ICU and a doctor made the order. By time we made it up there his blood pressure had dropped dangerously low, his breathing was so bad I could see the horror on his face. The doctor said maybe he had aspirated on his food nonchalantly. I asked why no one called me and they just looked at me stupefied. Any way he lived for about an hour after we got there. I held his hand, and stroked my other hand through his hair screaming for the Drs to do something. They finally convinced me to let them give him something for pain and he took one more breath and when he tried to take another it didn't come and he was gone. He couldn't say a word with all the breathing devices. He never talked about himself dieing to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was his coping mechanism in his fight to live. He did cry often and sometimes I would tell him to stop crying. I feel so bad about this now. And I said a many mean thing to him too during the years of illness I wish so badly I never said. I cant imagine how I could have said anything hurtful to him when he was in so much pain and that I would never see him again. I can justify it by saying I was in pain too or his illness made him difficult to live with sometimes but sometimes I just feel bad about it and can't seem to get my mind off of it. I have so many regrets also. I also wished he talked about his death to say something about what in the world I would do when he was gone but I guess life is so fragile we could all die at any time really with regrets of our own. So I just try to make the most of the time I have right now and remember my words may be the last words I ever say to my mom, son, daughter, father and make sure I always tell them I love them and how important they are.
KatHY and Tracie, both of you hit it right on the head, there's no more you can add to that, but even tho we truely know this in our hearts why can't we move on, i get to a point that i feel like i'm moving on then it just feels so guilty,i'm listening to clasic country music and the song playing is buck owens toghther again this is the first time i am listen to music since mike died , and i'm not so sure i should be, it s really bringing back some wonderfull memories oh well we'll see,gb
kim,
I ONLY RESPOND TO THE STORIES THAT TOUCH MY HEART AND THIS ONE REALLY DOES. MY HUSBAND WHO PASSED AWAY FEB 26TH 2010, WAS DIAGNOISED WITH CANCER IN NOV,2009. NEITHER OF US COULD BELEIVE IT. WE BOTH WERE IN ABSOLUTE DENIAL. WE BOTH KEPT TELLING EACH OTHER WE HAVE TO THINK POSITIVE. EVEN THOUGH THE DOCTORS KEPT TELLING US THAT MY HUSBAND WOULD NEVER BE CANCER FREE, WE BOTH KEPT BELIEVING AT LEAST HE WOULD HAVE A FEW MORE YEARS. I DID GET A CHANCE TO SAY A FEW THINGS TO HIM BUT NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.I TOLD HIM AFTER WE GOT THE DIAGNOISES THAT I JUST HAD TO SAY A FEW THINGS ALONG WITH CRY AND HE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. I COULD TELL HE REALLY DIDNT WANT TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT NEGATIVE THINGS SO I REALLY TRIED TO KEEP IT POSITIVE. IT WAS ONLY THAT I WAS IN SO MUCH DENIAL THAT I WAS ABLE TO DO THAT. I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS GOOD OR BAD THAT WE BOTH WERE IN SO MUCH DENIAL BUT I CANT HELP BUT THINK MAYBE IT WAS A BLESSING.I CAN RELATE TO HOW YOU FEEL KIM , BUT I AM SURE THAT YOUR HUSBAND ALREADY KNEW ALOT OF THE THINGS THAT YOU WISHED YOU HAD SAID.THEY SAY IT IS NORMAL WHEN YOU GRIEVE TO GO THROUGH THE GUILT STAGE, BUT IT ISNT
A GOOD WAY TO FEEL.WHEN I FIRST READ WHAT YOU WROTE, AND READ THE REST OF THE POSTINGS I REALLY WANTED TO CRY, MAINLY BECAUSE I AM FEELING REALLY SAD BECAUSE I DO WISH THAT I COULD HAVE SAID MORE TO MY HUSBAND BUT WAS SO AFRAID OF DWELLING ON THE NEGATIVE. I JUST WANT TO SHARE ONE LAST THING. ABOUT TWO WEEKS BEFORE MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY, HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL TWICE. THE FIRST TIME, THE PASTOR CAME IN TO VISIT HIM AND ASKED HIM WOULD HE LIKE TO BE PRAYED FOR, AND MY HUSBAND SAID PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR CINDY. THAT WAS THE KIND OF PERSON MY HUSBAND WAS.ALWAYS THINKING OF OTHERS. NO WONDER I LOVED HIM SO MUCH AND MISS HIM EVEN MORE.

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