I'm sure some of you (as I did) experienced some of the most insensitive or thoughtless remarks after the passing of your spouse. 

Some people are well-meaning, but their words come across wrong.  While others you just wish they'd learn that when you don't know what to say silence would be much better than their endless ramblings because sooner or later they're going to put their foot in their mouth.

What do you feel should never be said to a grieving person?

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"You need to forget about Don and get over it, move on with your life and quit ignoring other people".

That's just the latest in a long list of hurtful words from my father, over the last 7 months. On the morning that Don didn't wake up, June 26, 2012, my father came over, (lives across the street), while the EMT's & Coroner were here..he patted me on the shoulder, said, oh, I'm sorry...then went to the table where Don always left his hearing aids and said "hang on to these, I might need them".  He then went home for a while, came back & said "is he still here, they haven't taken him out yet . r &&%# sake".  Then "now you can move on, you dont have to take care of him anymore".  All that within an hour of Don's passing.  And it hasn't stopped in 7 months.

Thanks for listening, I needed to get it out.

Patti ... I am so very sorry for your loss and that after only 3 weeks after the loss of your husband his ex wife is pushing you around and demanding her adult children's clothes.  She has no tact at all.  You did not mention (none of my business) if you and your husband had drawn up a Will.  If you then you know that mostly everything goes to you unless he put a clause in stipulating that his adult children get anything.  If not then everything is yours.  It would be wise to seek legal counsel regarding the Estate left to you just to protect yourself against his ex wife and adult children. 

You have the right not to answer the ex wife's phone calls or simply tell her you are grieving and will get back to her. If she comes onto your property and bothers you or keeps harrassing you then let the lawyer deal with her.  You simply need the time to get over the shock and start the grieving process.

You have come to the right place Patti as we all understand what you are going through and many give excellent advice from having been through the first part of their grief.  We are extended family and now you are one of us so we are here to help in any way we can. 

Take all the time you need to rest (very important) and give yourself time to grieve.  Just put everything in your lawyers hands or have a family member help you with the legalities because when we first grieve our we are in a fog. I had a wonderful girlfriend who was very business-minded help me get through the legalities of my husband's Will.  My husband died at age 65 from pancreatic/liver cancer on April 27, 2011.  We did not have any children.  He had never been married before, but I had and didn't have any children by my former marriage.

Just ask any questions you would like to ask us and we'll be glad to help.  You are not alone!

Big Hugs (because you need it)

Marcy



Marsha H

Thankyou for the reply and the hug... We weren't legally married, which is why she is trying to push me around... The piece of paper didn't mean that much to us and we didn't  have alot of material things... So I decided to just ignore her... I will get the things I think his kids should have together when I am more able to cope... Right now I still can't think!!!.. Patti

Patti ... You are so welcome.  Doesn't matter if you were married or not; you had a wonderful relationship and feel grief like anyone else.  You are basically legally married anyway I think.  It's 6 months of living together here in British Columbia, Canada and you are considered married anyway.  I am so proud of you for standing your ground and waiting until you can think better and there is no rush (and they have no legal authority unless in your spouses Will) that you have to give them anything. Of course you can't think Patti (been there myself) for the first year because losing a spouse is a trauma and I found out it comes under the heading of 'Post Traumatic Stress.'  It's a big shock to all of us to lose a spouse; bad enough if we lose parents or friends, but I had no idea how devasting losing my husband would be. 

If feel comfortable with it here is my email:  Maday1@shaw.ca  Please feel free to email me anytime you like about anything. 

I'm praying for you and just rest all you can Patti and don't even answer the phone or door unless you feel like it.

Hugs

Marsha


Somehow my rant ended up where it wasn't meant to go.  Still have trouble navigating around on here.  Sorry.
Jan F. said:

"You need to forget about Don and get over it, move on with your life and quit ignoring other people".

That's just the latest in a long list of hurtful words from my father, over the last 7 months. On the morning that Don didn't wake up, June 26, 2012, my father came over, (lives across the street), while the EMT's & Coroner were here..he patted me on the shoulder, said, oh, I'm sorry...then went to the table where Don always left his hearing aids and said "hang on to these, I might need them".  He then went home for a while, came back & said "is he still here, they haven't taken him out yet . r &&%# sake".  Then "now you can move on, you dont have to take care of him anymore".  All that within an hour of Don's passing.  And it hasn't stopped in 7 months.

Thanks for listening, I needed to get it out.

I just love (not!) the "you're young, you'll find someone else" line.  Like we can just replace them so easily.

The worst thing anyone said to me was a 72 year old patient @ my job.  She commented about my necklace & asked me if I got it @ a local jewelry store.  I told her no that it is an memorial infinity love necklace with my husbands ashes in it.  When I told her what it was she looked at my left hand and calmly asked me why I was still wearing my wedding band if my "husband was dead?"  Mind you this was a total stranger and it had only been 4 months since he passed.  I was floored.

Wow.  You'd think I'd be numb to the shockingly obnoxious and thoughtless to the point of asinine remarks people say to someone grieving by now, having heard enough of them (fortunately all second-hand like this - I guess in that way I've been lucky)......but I'm not.  You don't want to know the replies I would have given or things I might have even done to some of these people.    However we have experienced similar from, of ALL people, our oncologist, who pretty much from the outset says (in so many words) "ah this cancer is agrressive, your odds aren't good, you should just get some feel-good drugs and go home and wait to die."   He himself is fortunate to be alive right now. 

Bill, I could say I can't believe your on oncologist would say that, but I DO believe it. I can't understand how people can be so cruel.  I thought doctors were supposed to be compassionate... obviously not.   I'm so sorry he spoke to you like that.

Thanks Jan.  It blew my mind too.  In one case I did confront him and would have been a lot harder on him if not for my loved one in the next room and knowing she wouldn't want me to.  

Believe me, our biggest problem in healthcare isn't cost, as big as that is.  It's a lack of caring or even competent staff.  

The craziest thing that I have heard was by my husbands sister who said to me, at least I can get married again, she cannot get another brother. I was so furious. I was glad that she wrote that through a text message and not in person. Peace be still.

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