I haven't posted much lately, but I have been here.  It seems as though I have been carrying the burdens of the world on my shoulders - as my son put it yesterday.  Both my son and my daughter are having financial issues, and they are worried about Christmas.  My uncle is once again in the hospital.  He has cancer, and they were doing tests because they found another spot on his pancreas, and is having some serious issues because of it.  My aunt is the one who has helped me through the loss of my husband.  She lost her first husband in the Viet Nam war 3 days before she was to leave for a visit for their 1 year anniversary.  I just can't bring myself to be there for her now.  It is just bringing up too many feelings.  Thanksgiving was a very sad day... Larry's birthday was November 28th... I had everyone here so we could spend the day together.  His daughter sent me an e-mail and said she couldn't come (which I don't believe), but that she would call me.  I still haven't heard from her.  Christmas is coming.  I don't even want to think about that!  My sister keeps pushing me to put up my tree, but I don't want to sit and look at it every day knowing that I will be alone for another holiday. So many things have been going through my head.... so much to worry about.... I haven't been sleeping well, I have been crying a lot.  I can't stand the thought of sitting here by myself all winter.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  I don't feel like I can talk to my kids, because they have their own families and enough to worry about.  I don't have any friends that I can talk to.  I wish I could get into therapy or something, but I lost my insurance and can't afford it (I am on disability).  At this point, I can't even join a bereavement group.  I had all of my teeth pulled on October 20th, and I won't have dentures until after the first of the year.  My parents have been great.  They have helped me out financially - even paying for all of my dental work.  I can talk to my mom about some things, but I feel like I am burdening her too.  Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy.  How can a heart hurt this bad.  I just don't know how I am going to get through.  I think if it were summer, I would feel better.  At least I could get out of the house.  It may seem as though I am rambling, but this is how I have been feeling.  I am at the point that I can't even bear to think about my husband.. about the night he died... I can barely look at this pictures.  It is just hurting me soooo bad.  Please, if anyone has any suggestions how I can make this better, please let me know.
Thank you.

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Replies to This Discussion

I have NO solution for this emptiness we feel, if I did I would have already tried it. I know how you feel your life seems alot like mine and right now, I miss my husband so very much, it is amazing that a person can survive a pain as terrible as we have, it is almost crippling. I am wishing you peace and comfort in knowing how much your husband loved you. Sometimes it helps me, but not as much as if he was here with me.
Tina, I feel your pain too and don't have a remedy or I too would have shouted it with all loudly. I know how emotionally paralyzing for me life gets too. I have no family or friends to share with that understand. What helps me the most is journaling by hand all the thoughts I need to share. It does help to get them out and somehow writing for me is more helpful than always typing. This may sound crazy but I talk to my husband a lot and think of a time he was laughing and whistling and play that tape in my head for awhile while hugging his pillow. I encourage you too to keep on venting to others that are where you are. Know that you AREN'T alone.

Tina, your husband wouldnt want this for you. You have to try to get involved with something to get you out of the house. Check local churches for bereavement groups they are free. Maybe if you volunteer some time somewhere you will feel better. I know just what you are feeling...the thought of Christmas and all makes me sick but we have children and have to go on. If you think not talking to your kids protects them, it doesnt. Maybe they are feeling what you are feeling but wont approach you so they dont upset you. Even if I dont say anything my kids know when Im having a bad day. You have to vent to them and let them vent to you. It doesnt matter if they have their own families...Im sure they need to talk as much as you do. Start looking out for what makes you feel better and stop worrying about being a burden. Hang in there...your not alone. Renee
I have not been a very religious person for most of my life, but I believe that praying does help. There are times I just want to shout out why did this happen, but it must be in God big plan. I know how you feel about Christmas, seeing the lights and trees being put up,just reminds me of last year when we did nothing,my wife was just to weak and sick. I will try to be happy when I am with my grandchildren but knowing that their grandma cant enjoy them hurts me terribly. Habing friends doesnt really help, I have quite a few that I see, but the only one that I can talk to about my feelings is my wifes best frriend. She was with her until the end, and is the only one besides my children that knows the full extent of my wife suffering . The weather doesnt help much, being stuck inside can depress anyone. If you cant get to a bereavment group, just keep writting here, we are all in the same situation and know that this helps us express our feelings. Good luck, Jerry.
Tina, I am so sorry to hear you are hurting as bad as I am. I have suggestions but honestly nothing is helping me right now either. (1) Make an effort to get up & get moving, TRY to put up a tree as your sister said IF you think it might bring you some amount of joy, otherwise skip it and decorate with a few reminders of the Christmas season. This will help you focus on Christ alittle more & your own heartache alittle less maybe. (2) Even a card or phone call will show your aunt that you are thinking of her & your uncle. She understands what you are going through. Maybe comforting & caring for her more will comfort you more than you think. (3) Seek help- if you need financial help & you haven't already applied for aid then go right away because that could take alot of time & effort or if you would like to join a group know you have freinds here 24/7 & maybe there's free group at a church in your area that could help. This past wk. was really hard on me also-no sleep, can't do my job right, crying, stressing over losing my Larry's truck to repo. due to messed up laws in our state preventing me from paying it off & getting title in my name! I have sat inside most of the wkend, except for church this a.m., & can't bring myself to decorate the tree or house...I'm already really dreading going to work in the morning. I feel terrible. I hope you & I will have a better tomorrpw each & every day*** keep trying! HUGS, Christy
Thanks Christy. I am so sorry to hear that you are having the kind of problems you are. Just because you weren't married, doesn't mean that you loved him any less or miss him any less. I am not putting up a tree, it is just too much for me. I just can't stand the thought of looking at it every day. I did put up some stockings for the grand kids though. I have applied for aid, and have been turned down. I had COBRA when I went on disability, but that ran out a month after my husband died. I have been bombarded with his hospital bills, which I have no money to pay. I expected the holidays to be hard, but not like this. Thanksgiving, our youngest (twins) granddaughters birthdays, his birthday, Christmas, New Years... on and on... I do have some support, my parents, brother and sister in law, sometimes my sister... but I feel like I am an 'after thought' to her. Thanks for the suggestions. I hope you are able to somehow find some joy in this holiday season.


Christy said:
Tina, I am so sorry to hear you are hurting as bad as I am. I have suggestions but honestly nothing is helping me right now either. (1) Make an effort to get up & get moving, TRY to put up a tree as your sister said IF you think it might bring you some amount of joy, otherwise skip it and decorate with a few reminders of the Christmas season. This will help you focus on Christ alittle more & your own heartache alittle less maybe. (2) Even a card or phone call will show your aunt that you are thinking of her & your uncle. She understands what you are going through. Maybe comforting & caring for her more will comfort you more than you think. (3) Seek help- if you need financial help & you haven't already applied for aid then go right away because that could take alot of time & effort or if you would like to join a group know you have freinds here 24/7 & maybe there's free group at a church in your area that could help. This past wk. was really hard on me also-no sleep, can't do my job right, crying, stressing over losing my Larry's truck to repo. due to messed up laws in our state preventing me from paying it off & getting title in my name! I have sat inside most of the wkend, except for church this a.m., & can't bring myself to decorate the tree or house...I'm already really dreading going to work in the morning. I feel terrible. I hope you & I will have a better tomorrpw each & every day*** keep trying! HUGS, Christy

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