Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by RICHARD GRATTON on March 4, 2014 at 10:24pm

Dear Elvira...I am so , so sorry to hear about your loss...There is nothing I can say that will take away your pain and sorrow but take small comfort that others here understand the grief and the feeling that your world has been turned upside down..I lost my wife ,Pam, on January 30, 2014 after she was diagnosed with liver cancer last October...She also had no indication that anything was wrong until she started having severe pain in her upper abdomen....Three months later she died at home in my arms...We were married for thirty two years and there isn't a moment that I don't think about her and cry...All we can do at the moment is try to make it one hour at a time....There are many loving and caring people here that will listen and support you in your darkest time...they are a great help to me and I hope that you can get some comfort here....I read in beautiful book called "Loving Grief" that grief is how loving him feels,and that it is you loving him in sadness and loss....

Please take care of yourself.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Richard.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Sullivan on March 4, 2014 at 11:49pm

Dear Elvira, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband, Pablo.    You have found your way to this club that no one ever wants to join.  We have all stood where you are, today.  We all know exactly the pain, anger, despair, helplessness and hopelessness that you are feeling.  We all felt exactly as you do, that we could not -- did not want -- to go on without our loved one.

I, too, lost my husband to an aggressive cancer.  He was diagnosed in January 2013 and was gone on April 10, 2013.  It has been almost a year.  The hardest year of my life -- many times I was sure I couldn't go on.  

Allow yourself to cry, Elvira -- and, allow yourself to be angry!  And, be kind to yourself.  You are going through one of the worst life experiences that any of us will ever know.  This is a time to allow friends and family to help you.  Rest as much as you can.  Try to stay as healthy as you can.  You will need all your strength.  This is a time to allow yourself to grieve -- and that grief will take many forms over the next days, weeks and months.    

I can only tell you, from my own experience that it will take time, but it will get better.  I don't think we ever "get over" losing the love of our lives.  I haven't.  But, we learn to live with our grief.

I was helped by so many, here on this Legacy site.  I was so grief-stricken that I thought I was losing my mind.  It was through sharing my thoughts and feelings, on this site, and reading the words of others, here, that I was finally assured that I was not losing my mind.

You are not alone -- we are here for you.  Come often, and share whatever you care to share.  You will not be judged.  You will simply be accepted into this sad society of survivors -- all looking to find our peace.

Sending you sympathy, hugs and prayers for comfort, sincerely,

Barbara

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 5, 2014 at 6:23am

Thank you all for your kind words, last night was very bad, I could hardly get to sleep because all I did was cried, it happens a lot at night when I go to bed & see his side empty, my heart is so broken but I appreciate all your support, believe me I am glad I found this site where unfortunately everyone knows exactly what I am going thru at this time, again thank you.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Sullivan on March 5, 2014 at 9:35am

Dear Elvira -- I know about seeing "his side of the bed empty".  After almost a year, I still sleep on my side of the bed and sometimes cry when, in the morning, making the bed, I see his side, still smooth and un-mussed.  As Jane P says, "baby steps", hon!  

One thing, about this site.  You may see postings here from people who lost their beloved one, two, three years ago -- and, like me, you may think, "Oh no!  I can't go on for years, feeling this intense pain.  I just can't bear it!"  Please know, they are here for you -- for most of them, it has got better, a little easier, the pain a little less intense -- and they come here for the lasting friendships and to help others.  They remember how they felt and they can guide you through these worst moments.  They haven't "got over it".  I think we never do -- but they have come through what you are experiencing, now -- and, they support each other, and us.  They have their "bad" days, and still need to know they aren't alone -- but, mostly, they help others, through sharing their own experiences.

 I do not think I would have survived without their help.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

Barbara

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 6, 2014 at 7:15am

Barbara Sullivan said:

Dear Elvira -- I know about seeing "his side of the bed empty".  After almost a year, I still sleep on my side of the bed and sometimes cry when, in the morning, making the bed, I see his side, still smooth and un-mussed.  As Jane P says, "baby steps", hon!  

One thing, about this site.  You may see postings here from people who lost their beloved one, two, three years ago -- and, like me, you may think, "Oh no!  I can't go on for years, feeling this intense pain.  I just can't bear it!"  Please know, they are here for you -- for most of them, it has got better, a little easier, the pain a little less intense -- and they come here for the lasting friendships and to help others.  They remember how they felt and they can guide you through these worst moments.  They haven't "got over it".  I think we never do -- but they have come through what you are experiencing, now -- and, they support each other, and us.  They have their "bad" days, and still need to know they aren't alone -- but, mostly, they help others, through sharing their own experiences.

 I do not think I would have survived without their help.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

Barbara

Permalink Reply by Terry Kent on March 6, 2014 at 6:30pm

Dear Elvira:

Not sure if you saw my last post because I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate in this site.  You were so kind to me the other night after I posted about just losing my husband in January to a tragic accident.  I am so sorry for your loss too--you sound a lot like me.  I cry so much every day and just can't believe our lives are so messed up.  Our 24th wedding anniversary is on St. Patrick's day next week and I don't know what to do.  I just keep crying thinking about it.  Cancer is an awful thing, and shows no mercy.  It really tests our faith wondering why such awful things happen to such good people, doesn't it?  Like you, I go through my days angry, sad, unable to focus and sometimes I just feel like I'm walking in circles.  We spent 30 years together, but I always thought there would be 30 more, or at least close to it.  I wasn't at all prepared for him to be gone at 51, and I know he wasn't either.  Thinking about all he is missing and what he had planned breaks my heart, and the thought of going through the rest of my life without him here with me is just so hard to try to comprehend.  I feel your pain, I really do.  Not a lot of people can say that but it seems that here on this site people really can understand how you're feeling.  I go to the store or do an errand and I always have this horrible feeling that if I see someone who knows who I am they'll be whispering "that's the girl who's husband was just killed" or something like that and it feel weird.  Strange in a way I can't explain, since I can't even wrap my head around the fact that this is real and permanent, even though I know it is.  I would love to talk to you more.  Please stay in touch.  It gives comfort to talk to other people who are in the same place. 

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 6, 2014 at 8:11pm

Hi, Terry, thanks for responding, hope your day today was better than mine, today has been the day from hell, I have not been able to stop crying al day, it just gets me totally anxious just thinking that I won't ever see him again or listen to his voice, I feel terrible for my son Julian with his wedding preparations, I want to be there for him, but it's very hard & I am just going thru the motions & feel bad that such a joyous time has turned into a nightmare, I often wonder why if it was meant to happen for him to leave us, why not after the wedding so at least we could all have enjoyed this time of preparation with happiness, he wanted to so much to be there for him on his special day, I know he will be in spirit but to me that is not the same, my worst time is usually when I go to bed & his side of the bed is empty, I can't bear it, I had a voice mail from him on my birthday January 10, which also happened to be his last day at work as he would never return, I had deleted the massage, well I undeleted it & I listen to his voice few times a day, it gives me some comfort, both my sons are school psychologists, they both think it's okay for now if it does not become an obsession, but other people think it's not healthy for me, I can't bear the thought of not ever going to a restaurant or a vacation without him, I am sorry that I am venting so bad tonight but it has been a horrendous day, most of the day I have spent crying, only like to sleep because then I am not crying & to top it al off, I am in a panic thinking something can happen to my kids, I went thru my mother's death on December 20,2010, then my dad on February 14, 2012 & now the love of my life on Feb 9th, life is just simply not fair, hope you are having better days than me, although I doubt it right?
 
Terry Kent said:

Dear Elvira:

Not sure if you saw my last post because I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate in this site.  You were so kind to me the other night after I posted about just losing my husband in January to a tragic accident.  I am so sorry for your loss too--you sound a lot like me.  I cry so much every day and just can't believe our lives are so messed up.  Our 24th wedding anniversary is on St. Patrick's day next week and I don't know what to do.  I just keep crying thinking about it.  Cancer is an awful thing, and shows no mercy.  It really tests our faith wondering why such awful things happen to such good people, doesn't it?  Like you, I go through my days angry, sad, unable to focus and sometimes I just feel like I'm walking in circles.  We spent 30 years together, but I always thought there would be 30 more, or at least close to it.  I wasn't at all prepared for him to be gone at 51, and I know he wasn't either.  Thinking about all he is missing and what he had planned breaks my heart, and the thought of going through the rest of my life without him here with me is just so hard to try to comprehend.  I feel your pain, I really do.  Not a lot of people can say that but it seems that here on this site people really can understand how you're feeling.  I go to the store or do an errand and I always have this horrible feeling that if I see someone who knows who I am they'll be whispering "that's the girl who's husband was just killed" or something like that and it feel weird.  Strange in a way I can't explain, since I can't even wrap my head around the fact that this is real and permanent, even though I know it is.  I would love to talk to you more.  Please stay in touch.  It gives comfort to talk to other people who are in the same place. 

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 6, 2014 at 8:20pm

Thank u for responding Richard, I also am sorry for the loss of your wife, today has been a really tough day, nothing but crying practically all day, I know you are feeing the same as me, so u can understand my feelings, I can't bear to think of life without him, so my best time right now is when I am sleeping because then I am not thinking, thank u for your prayers, I will do the same for you, although lately I feel  God is not listening to them, I feel guilty because I question why he took away my husband, a good man, that only lived for his family, lost my life partner as well as you, I feel your pain.

Elvira
 
RICHARD GRATTON said:

Dear Elvira...I am so , so sorry to hear about your loss...There is nothing I can say that will take away your pain and sorrow but take small comfort that others here understand the grief and the feeling that your world has been turned upside down..I lost my wife ,Pam, on January 30, 2014 after she was diagnosed with liver cancer last October...She also had no indication that anything was wrong until she started having severe pain in her upper abdomen....Three months later she died at home in my arms...We were married for thirty two years and there isn't a moment that I don't think about her and cry...All we can do at the moment is try to make it one hour at a time....There are many loving and caring people here that will listen and support you in your darkest time...they are a great help to me and I hope that you can get some comfort here....I read in beautiful book called "Loving Grief" that grief is how loving him feels,and that it is you loving him in sadness and loss....

Please take care of yourself.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Richard.

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 6, 2014 at 8:27pm

Hi Barbara, thanks so much for your response to my post, today has been a really bad day, nothing but crying all day, feel very anxious thinking he is really gone & won't ever see or hear from him again, feeling guilty as well because If I knew he was going to go when he did I would have said so many things I wanted to say, also feeling so bad for my youngest son, he is getting married in July & preparations are on going & I am just going thru the motions right now without any happiness as it should be & as it was for my older son's wedding, my husband wanted so much to be here for his son on that day, when he was diagnosed that is al he kept saying, I know he will be there in spirit but for me that is not the same, I am trying to be strong for my son but finding it almost impossible, sorry for venting & thanks for listening.

Elvira
 
Barbara Sullivan said:

Dear Elvira -- I know about seeing "his side of the bed empty".  After almost a year, I still sleep on my side of the bed and sometimes cry when, in the morning, making the bed, I see his side, still smooth and un-mussed.  As Jane P says, "baby steps", hon!  

One thing, about this site.  You may see postings here from people who lost their beloved one, two, three years ago -- and, like me, you may think, "Oh no!  I can't go on for years, feeling this intense pain.  I just can't bear it!"  Please know, they are here for you -- for most of them, it has got better, a little easier, the pain a little less intense -- and they come here for the lasting friendships and to help others.  They remember how they felt and they can guide you through these worst moments.  They haven't "got over it".  I think we never do -- but they have come through what you are experiencing, now -- and, they support each other, and us.  They have their "bad" days, and still need to know they aren't alone -- but, mostly, they help others, through sharing their own experiences.

 I do not think I would have survived without their help.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

Barbara

Permalink Reply by Terry Kent on March 6, 2014 at 8:33pm

Hi Elvira: I'm right there with you. My day was a little different--I had to go to a business meeting that my husband would have attended and I had to go in his place. I can't even tell you how hard it was to hold back the tears.   He would have been thrilled to have been there to discuss all the changes coming up to where we run our business and it makes me even more sad when I get put into these situations and have to realize what he and everyone else is missing out on.  I agree--I don't want to go out or on vacation and I have no idea what to do this summer with my kids.  We're all lost because we did so much together.  I came home from the meeting and cried.  Did more paperwork and cried some more.  Tomorrow I will be alone most of the day and I'll walk my dogs, try to work, and cry some more.  My wedding anniversary is on St. Patrick's Day and I can't stop thinking about it.  I don't understand why good people get taken away from their loved ones too soon.  It doesn't make sense and makes you question everything, doesn't it?  We're stuck here living in our own version of hell without them, not wanting to go through life without them here with us.  It is so hard to comprehend.  I'm right there with you, believe me.  Its nice to see others who have been through this on this site who are so understanding.  I am sorry I'm not one of the ones who can give you much comfort with my words but I hope you know that I am feeling the same way as you since this is all so new to me too.  I can't even imagine it getting any easier or better--life is just forever altered in such a devastating way. 

Permalink Reply by Karen W on March 8, 2014 at 10:02am

Hello Elvira, I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you were having a bad day but then I don't suppose any of us have had a good day since we lost our loves. I found it interesting that you listen to your husbands voicemail. I also have a message from my Ed on my phone and those times when I need to hear his voice I will listen to it over and over again, hearing him say "I love you". Sometimes it makes me cry and cry, but I listen anyway because it is all I have. I sometimes wonder if it is "healthy" to do but then it doesn't really matter because I will continue to listen to it. I know that your sons wedding will be a bittersweet time for you. You will want to make it special for your son but your heart will know that the person who should be there sharing that time with you is gone. Also, it will be a time of two people beginning a life together, when your life has just crumbled apart. I was recently at a wedding for a special niece and I looked forward to it as a happy event and a chance to gather with family. Well I was surprised to find that I was constantly choking back tears and several times had to retreat to the ladies room for a good cry. So much in life has changed. Nothing we were able to count on before can be trusted now it seems. My mantra every morning is, just one more day...I can do one day. And inevitably I do, and hopefully, prayerfully there will come a day when it takes just a little less effort to do so. I wish you a better day today and hope and pray for strength for today for both of us.


Elvira Castellanos said:

Hi, Terry, thanks for responding, hope your day today was better than mine, today has been the day from hell, I have not been able to stop crying al day, it just gets me totally anxious just thinking that I won't ever see him again or listen to his voice, I feel terrible for my son Julian with his wedding preparations, I want to be there for him, but it's very hard & I am just going thru the motions & feel bad that such a joyous time has turned into a nightmare, I often wonder why if it was meant to happen for him to leave us, why not after the wedding so at least we could all have enjoyed this time of preparation with happiness, he wanted to so much to be there for him on his special day, I know he will be in spirit but to me that is not the same, my worst time is usually when I go to bed & his side of the bed is empty, I can't bear it, I had a voice mail from him on my birthday January 10, which also happened to be his last day at work as he would never return, I had deleted the massage, well I undeleted it & I listen to his voice few times a day, it gives me some comfort, both my sons are school psychologists, they both think it's okay for now if it does not become an obsession, but other people think it's not healthy for me, I can't bear the thought of not ever going to a restaurant or a vacation without him, I am sorry that I am venting so bad tonight but it has been a horrendous day, most of the day I have spent crying, only like to sleep because then I am not crying & to top it al off, I am in a panic thinking something can happen to my kids, I went thru my mother's death on December 20,2010, then my dad on February 14, 2012 & now the love of my life on Feb 9th, life is just simply not fair, hope you are having better days than me, although I doubt it right?
 
Terry Kent said:

Dear Elvira:

Not sure if you saw my last post because I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate in this site.  You were so kind to me the other night after I posted about just losing my husband in January to a tragic accident.  I am so sorry for your loss too--you sound a lot like me.  I cry so much every day and just can't believe our lives are so messed up.  Our 24th wedding anniversary is on St. Patrick's day next week and I don't know what to do.  I just keep crying thinking about it.  Cancer is an awful thing, and shows no mercy.  It really tests our faith wondering why such awful things happen to such good people, doesn't it?  Like you, I go through my days angry, sad, unable to focus and sometimes I just feel like I'm walking in circles.  We spent 30 years together, but I always thought there would be 30 more, or at least close to it.  I wasn't at all prepared for him to be gone at 51, and I know he wasn't either.  Thinking about all he is missing and what he had planned breaks my heart, and the thought of going through the rest of my life without him here with me is just so hard to try to comprehend.  I feel your pain, I really do.  Not a lot of people can say that but it seems that here on this site people really can understand how you're feeling.  I go to the store or do an errand and I always have this horrible feeling that if I see someone who knows who I am they'll be whispering "that's the girl who's husband was just killed" or something like that and it feel weird.  Strange in a way I can't explain, since I can't even wrap my head around the fact that this is real and permanent, even though I know it is.  I would love to talk to you more.  Please stay in touch.  It gives comfort to talk to other people who are in the same place.