This is my second post.  I lost the sweetest man in the world and my only love when my husband, John, passed away 7 weeks ago.  We loved each other so much and I will love him always.  We shared and did everything together too.   It is so hard to function every day.  Sometimes I think I'm doing ok - haven't cried for a few hours and then a thought of him will come and I burst out bawling.  He had metastatic bladder cancer.  We thought he had dodged the bullet when his left kidney was removed almost 4 years ago -- supposedly they "got it all."  Last November a back ache led to the shocking discovery that his cancer had returned and was in lymph nodes and lungs.  He fought hard to slow it down but to no avail. 

My life seems to have no purpose anymore.  We married at 19 and after almost 54 years of my life revolving around him and his life revolving around me, they tell me I need to reinvent myself to a life without him.  How do you do that?  I am alone for the first time in my life - my house is just that - a house, not a home.  I wander from room to room and do the things I need to do but I feel so lost.  I go out - with friends when asked or I can get someone to go with me.  We moved 1200 miles away from family and old friends because John wanted to retire to a cooler, cleaner, better place.  He loved it here and I loved it as long as I had him.  We made new friends and one son moved 70 miles away so I can't see them every day and I feel that I am now a burden on them. 

I just try to get through every day.  It is summer now and the weather is good so I don't have to stay in the house because I can't stand to be in this lonely house.  I am dreading the winter time when the skies are overcast most days.  I feel so empty and lost now when the sun is shining, what will it be like then?    I don't know if stay here or go back home to California - everything is up in the air.  I know John really isn't here anymore and his spirit is with God but the thought of leaving where he is buried is unthinkable right now.  I can visit him at the cemetery every day as it is very close to my house.  Hopefully time will lead me to the right decision.  I don't know how I'll be able to go through the rest of my life, even the next day, without him.   Judy Gamble

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Dear Judy,

I send hugs and understanding your way. I am in my fourth year of widowhood and I am still struggling to make sense of it all. Our 30th wedding anniversary was July 9th. Very hard to get through the day but I did. I can't seem to stop crying after four years. Interestingly enough I found a book titled "I Can't Stop Crying" by John Martin. Excellent book. Please find it and read it. It validates our feelings and emotions that grief has to offer. And it guides us to come to an understanding that we will make it at our own pace.

Judy you are not alone. All of us here are on the same path. We are here to listen. Something we all want and need -- just for someone to listen and be there for us. This book explains it all in plain language. It makes sense. It addresses every emotion.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. And remember when anyone tells you "time will heal" that time has no beginning or end. Get this book. I promise you will not regret it! I feel like someone wrote it for me and all of us who have lost a loved one. It allows me to feel validated and that is important.

Best wishes to you and know that you are not alone. We are here!

Peace and blessings,

Brigitte

Thanks, Brigitte - I needed that today.  I will find the book.  I can't imagine one year yet alone four!  I'm sending a hug and prayer your way as well.  Judy

Brigitte said:

Dear Judy,

I send hugs and understanding your way. I am in my fourth year of widowhood and I am still struggling to make sense of it all. Our 30th wedding anniversary was July 9th. Very hard to get through the day but I did. I can't seem to stop crying after four years. Interestingly enough I found a book titled "I Can't Stop Crying" by John Martin. Excellent book. Please find it and read it. It validates our feelings and emotions that grief has to offer. And it guides us to come to an understanding that we will make it at our own pace.

Judy you are not alone. All of us here are on the same path. We are here to listen. Something we all want and need -- just for someone to listen and be there for us. This book explains it all in plain language. It makes sense. It addresses every emotion.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. And remember when anyone tells you "time will heal" that time has no beginning or end. Get this book. I promise you will not regret it! I feel like someone wrote it for me and all of us who have lost a loved one. It allows me to feel validated and that is important.

Best wishes to you and know that you are not alone. We are here!

Peace and blessings,

Brigitte

Judy,

      My Wife has been gone, it will be two years this October, we were married for 31yrs, I hear people talk about "new normal" like I said almost two years, but to me it doesn't feel any easier in fact it seems as time passes it gets rougher. We have a small family business that actually has saved my butt. As well as our little three lil Dogs...I'm working longer hrs and six days a week just so I don't have to be home. I was hoping that the pain would subside over time but it hasn't. Its hard for me to imagine spending the rest of my so-called life without her. But there's no choice. my Sister has always said that her brother was a little rough around the edges, that maybe so, but thats not saying how I feel inside, I'm not as tough as I thought, my little Wife was my world, my motivation.

   I was a little leary about responding to your post as I have no words of wisdom, no answers and the only thing I can say to you is your not alone, not by a long shot! But you have this site you have others here with the understanding of what your going through, whereas anybody that hasn't been in OUR shoes can't fathom our pain or emptiness...

                       John

   

Thank you John.   You are so right.

John Rood said:

Judy,

      My Wife has been gone, it will be two years this October, we were married for 31yrs, I hear people talk about "new normal" like I said almost two years, but to me it doesn't feel any easier in fact it seems as time passes it gets rougher. We have a small family business that actually has saved my butt. As well as our little three lil Dogs...I'm working longer hrs and six days a week just so I don't have to be home. I was hoping that the pain would subside over time but it hasn't. Its hard for me to imagine spending the rest of my so-called life without her. But there's no choice. my Sister has always said that her brother was a little rough around the edges, that maybe so, but thats not saying how I feel inside, I'm not as tough as I thought, my little Wife was my world, my motivation.

   I was a little leary about responding to your post as I have no words of wisdom, no answers and the only thing I can say to you is your not alone, not by a long shot! But you have this site you have others here with the understanding of what your going through, whereas anybody that hasn't been in OUR shoes can't fathom our pain or emptiness...

                       John

   

Judy and whoever else who has an interest I found and purchased the book  I Can't Stop Crying - Martin, John D./ Ferris, Frank D., M.D./ Buc... on E-bay this morning, I bought two, one for me and one for a friend $10.04 apiece plus $3.15 shipping apiece..just thought I'd share. Hope everyone is having a good as can be expected day. Just click on the highlight title it will take you straight to the Ebay page

                                   John

Judy ...  I am so very sorry regarding the lose of your John.  Believe me, we all know exactly how you are feeling and you have come to a very kind, loyal and supportive forum to get you through the rough spots of grieving.  We are all at different stages of grieving and we learn well from each other and it's nice to know what to expect.  All of us have our good and bad days.  Please don't let the banter on the main board frighten you away as sometimes we do that just to lighten up things regarding stress as laughter is the best medicine, but we take everyone's post seriously that needs us.

My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer; were not blessed with children and married almost 40 years and knew each other 45 years. No matter what we were told or how much I researched we knew that he could still have a few years left if caught early, but unfortunately, like your husband my husband's cancer had spread to his liver and it was downhill from there.  It is such a shock and our world has collapsed for us giving no chance to catch our breath.  What you are going through is very normal.  The first year you will be in a what we call a 'brain fog' where you think you are handling things OK and without warning you burst out crying or get depressed.  No matter how many people you have to support you or are around you it still makes you feel you are alone and having a bad nightmare you will wake up from.  I have found the 2nd year a little better, but also tough as reality has struck and now I have to face life without my beloved Ernie and reinvent myself.

Most of us still feel life has no purpose and we struggle to find where we fit into this life and although it is of no comfort to you now it's actually a reawakening of who WE are and just how strong we really are.  Never think that you are burden to anyone.  If want to cry or talk about John do so.  There is no time limit to grieving.  I also find it difficult to be in this house (no longer the home we loved together) and like you, just put one foot in front of the other to do what needs to be done.

I find summer good in one way and yet have downers about it as friends are active with their spouses and now my spouse is gone and it hurts.  It makes me feel so lonely even though I have friends that are good to me. Winter can be difficult for most of us and especially if one lives somewhere there is a lot of snow.  I live just outside of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada and we get little snow.  You will find things to do during the winter months Judy so don't cross that bridge too early.  I still have friends over during the winter or accept invitations out.  Please, DO NOT make any rash decisions for the first year about selling your home or anything else of value.  Doctors have now found that grieving for a spouse comes under Post Traumatic Stress so be very careful.  Just take it as easy as you can for now, try to eat as well as you can, drink lots of water (replacing the tears we shed) and try to get exercise in.  There will be days you are bone tired or may not want to get out of bed and that's OK too, but more than two days make yourself get up and get moving.  I've been there and can still be like that off and on.  Did you know that we have a spirit and soul?  John is nearer than you think.  It is wiser for you to stay put if you can in your home and close to where you can find some peace by going to the cemetery. There is no doubt that in the future you will make good decisions and get your life in order.  I live in a 980 sq. ft. little rancher home on a fair sized lot and I'm staying here for as long as I can.

Lean on US Judy because we are here for you to talk to and you can say anything without being judged. 

Hugs (because you need it)

Marsha

dearest Judy, oh honey! I am so so sorry for the huge loss of your darling beloved...wow! you two were more than soul mates, you two were one flesh as the Bible speaks. 
I am so sorry and totally can feel for you! I lost my life companion, Barry last April 16, 2012. He was my boyfriend of 11 years. I never married him because I was injured in a car accident and thought I would be a burden since it left me with severe health problems and chronic pain. I feel guilty now. But we talked daily, went out to eat, movies, talked, texted, and more! he was and will always be the love of my life!!!!

I still cannot grasp it. I keep so busy to try to deny it longer because I cant bear it to be true. 
I am lonely too. PLEASE stay here with all of us here we are such good friends and support. We are all in agony and confusion too. And denial in many ways...

I get through by telling myself and also my faith: GOD decides how long my life is so Ive got to live for God first and then my own relationships.....He is our strength, and it is so TERRIBLY THE HARDEST THING EVER!


PLEASE MESSAGE me any time

hugs and prayers, Vee, COlorado

Thanks, Vee, for your message.  You are so right - it is the hardest thing EVER.  I look at his pictures and still cannot grasp that he's gone - my head knows, but the heart won't accept.

  A friend send me this link - www.spiritlyric.com   The song, Until We're Together Again is so beautiful.  I hope it brings you some comfort.

  Only those going through the same pain can understand.  Judy

Vee Herrera Michrina said:

dearest Judy, oh honey! I am so so sorry for the huge loss of your darling beloved...wow! you two were more than soul mates, you two were one flesh as the Bible speaks. 
I am so sorry and totally can feel for you! I lost my life companion, Barry last April 16, 2012. He was my boyfriend of 11 years. I never married him because I was injured in a car accident and thought I would be a burden since it left me with severe health problems and chronic pain. I feel guilty now. But we talked daily, went out to eat, movies, talked, texted, and more! he was and will always be the love of my life!!!!

I still cannot grasp it. I keep so busy to try to deny it longer because I cant bear it to be true. 
I am lonely too. PLEASE stay here with all of us here we are such good friends and support. We are all in agony and confusion too. And denial in many ways...

I get through by telling myself and also my faith: GOD decides how long my life is so Ive got to live for God first and then my own relationships.....He is our strength, and it is so TERRIBLY THE HARDEST THING EVER!


PLEASE MESSAGE me any time

hugs and prayers, Vee, COlorado

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