Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on February 11, 2011 at 1:45pm

Someone told me to have a happy valentines day, and I just looked at her.  Then, I remembered that I have yoga after work, so I guess it will be ok.  I don't have a tv, and I don't  go shopping much, so I am avoiding much but not all of the hype.  On the heals of my husband's birthday, which was bad enough, I would like to avoid Valentines day. 

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on February 11, 2011 at 1:45pm

Someone told me to have a happy valentines day, and I just looked at her.  Then, I remembered that I have yoga after work, so I guess it will be ok.  I don't have a tv, and I don't  go shopping much, so I am avoiding much but not all of the hype.  On the heals of my husband's birthday, which was bad enough, I would like to avoid Valentines day. 

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on February 11, 2011 at 3:36pm

Debbie, I agree with everything you wrote. Not only do I have Valentines day, but our 41st anniversary is the 20th of this month, one week after Valentines day. I went yesterday to buy my 3 Grandsons something for Valentines day. I usually just get them a little something. I think I went way overboard for them to compensate for the fact that Neal is not here. I too will be glad when February is over, but then I think well there is Fathers Day, Neals Birthday so there is always going to be something. This nightmare of sorrow is never going to end. The love of my life is gone and I do not know who I am anymore.

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on February 11, 2011 at 6:02pm

Hi Debbie & Linda,

 

Count me in with this Valentine's Day, I've been feeling the same way.  I had to think long and hard around how I would deal with this, February being a particularly bad month for me.  After some soul searching I have written my husband a poem and I will share my love for him through that, and perhaps some flowers, a balloon.    It's just that we really can't run away from any of this, because it just follows us along the road.  (Not that I wouldn't like to)!

 

Linda, yes, it is so difficult because the birthdays and the anniversaries and those special days just keep coming.  For me, it was my husband John's birthday 2 weeks after he passed away, then Christmas, then our 39th wedding anniversary on New Year's!  So I have tried to remember those days and times with some happiness, but managed just a little.   What I have done which brings me comfort, both Debbie & Linda, is to find some very precious cards that hubby wrote me, birthday and wedding anniversary and Valentine's, I've opened them up so I can see his writing and his loving words, and I have framed them:)

They sit on my dresser so I can see them always.

 

I wish you both peace and let's check in next week and see how we made out.

Carol

 

 

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on February 11, 2011 at 6:02pm

Hi Debbie & Linda,

 

Count me in with this Valentine's Day, I've been feeling the same way.  I had to think long and hard around how I would deal with this, February being a particularly bad month for me.  After some soul searching I have written my husband a poem and I will share my love for him through that, and perhaps some flowers, a balloon.    It's just that we really can't run away from any of this, because it just follows us along the road.  (Not that I wouldn't like to)!

 

Linda, yes, it is so difficult because the birthdays and the anniversaries and those special days just keep coming.  For me, it was my husband John's birthday 2 weeks after he passed away, then Christmas, then our 39th wedding anniversary on New Year's!  So I have tried to remember those days and times with some happiness, but managed just a little.   What I have done which brings me comfort, both Debbie & Linda, is to find some very precious cards that hubby wrote me, birthday and wedding anniversary and Valentine's, I've opened them up so I can see his writing and his loving words, and I have framed them:)

They sit on my dresser so I can see them always.

 

I wish you both peace and let's check in next week and see how we made out.

Carol

 

 

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on February 11, 2011 at 9:28pm

DEAR DEBBIE, I REALLY AM NOW CONVINCED I AM LOOSING IT. I THOUGHT THAT I HAD POSTED ON THIS TOPIC OF VALENTINES DAY, AND NOW AM NOT SEEING WHERE I POSTED. OH WELL, AT ANY RATE I KNOW I HAVE LOST IT BECAUSE I AM STILL NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY AND IT WILL BE A YEAR FOR ME ON THE 26TH OF FEB. SINCE I LOST MY HUSBAND AND BEST FRIEND.THIS MONTH WILL BE A HARD ONE FOR ME, BECAUSE MY HUSBANDS BIRTHDAY IS THE 13TH, VALENTINES THE 14TH, AND HIS PASSING ON THE 26TH. BUT AS LINDA SAID THEIR WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU WROTE ABOUT VALENTINES DAY. I WISH THEIR WERE A WAY I COULD EXPRESS TO EVERYONE THAT HAS SOMEBODY, HOW VERY IMPORTANT IT IS TO CHERISH EVERY MOMENT THAT YOU HAVE WITH THAT PERSON BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.I ONLY WISH THAT I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER MYSELF.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on February 11, 2011 at 9:28pm

DEAR DEBBIE, I REALLY AM NOW CONVINCED I AM LOOSING IT. I THOUGHT THAT I HAD POSTED ON THIS TOPIC OF VALENTINES DAY, AND NOW AM NOT SEEING WHERE I POSTED. OH WELL, AT ANY RATE I KNOW I HAVE LOST IT BECAUSE I AM STILL NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY AND IT WILL BE A YEAR FOR ME ON THE 26TH OF FEB. SINCE I LOST MY HUSBAND AND BEST FRIEND.THIS MONTH WILL BE A HARD ONE FOR ME, BECAUSE MY HUSBANDS BIRTHDAY IS THE 13TH, VALENTINES THE 14TH, AND HIS PASSING ON THE 26TH. BUT AS LINDA SAID THEIR WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU WROTE ABOUT VALENTINES DAY. I WISH THEIR WERE A WAY I COULD EXPRESS TO EVERYONE THAT HAS SOMEBODY, HOW VERY IMPORTANT IT IS TO CHERISH EVERY MOMENT THAT YOU HAVE WITH THAT PERSON BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.I ONLY WISH THAT I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER MYSELF.

Permalink Reply by Connie on February 11, 2011 at 10:18pm

Debbie,  It is always some sort of reminder that we "are not a couple anymore.  The 9th was 15  months since my sweetheart left us.  Once we get over Valentine's Day,  there will be St. Patrick's Day (my husband, although not Irish, loved that day and would cook Corned Beef & Cabbage, then Easter will be here.  After I get through that,  May 7th our daughter will graduate from college.  My birthday is May 8, then Mother's Day.  May 14th our youngest grandaughter will make her First Holy Communion  and then right into Father's Day, his birthday, our wedding anniversary, then the anniversary of hfis death and back into Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Life is an emotional rollercoaster.  I miss him soooo very much that I don't know how I can manage to go day to day.  I know that I am not the  only one living with this nightmare but it sure does hurt anyway.  I wish you all the very best and please know that I remember all in my prayers.  Some way, some how, we will all get through this terrible time.  Stay strong and I am told that it will get easier as time goes on.  Unfortunately, I am finding that it is getting more difficult all the time but then that is just me and everyone deals with death differently.  May God Bless each and everyone of us.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on February 12, 2011 at 10:04am

My sis & her hubby are being wonderful and keeping me busy this weekend to help me get thru it. My last holiday with my dear Bill (he passed Feb 25) and now the "firsts" will be ending and then who knows what comes after that. I have had the wonderful Valentines Card Bill gave me last year sitting on my dresser all year and I wear the locket almost continuously. He couldn't shop those last days but told my daughter exactly what he wanted and she got it for him. My son-in-law found wonderful pictures of Bill & I and shrank them to fit the locket so I will always have him close to my heart. He was a very romantic man so we always did special things for these days. Sis & hubby are taking me to lunch & movie today (true grit/nothing romantic) since most people are celebrating tonight. I will be working Monday with my new part time subbing job so thats nice (especially since its at my sis's school). I am sorry everyone has these days to endure but do try as hard as you can to remember the good stuff about these days. You know your dear ones loved you so much and would want you to be smiling in memory of them. If you have graves to visit, take a card or something and spend abit of time with them. For those with a special place in your home, go there or go outside and just look to the heavens and wave and jump up and down and just be crazy. Its okay.. Lots of hugs to all of you..

Permalink Reply by Joan on February 13, 2011 at 4:22pm

Also having a hard time with all the Valentines hype.  After about five years or so, Jim and I quit buying gifts for each other, but we always exchanged cards.  That was special to me cause I know he always stood and read cards until he found one that said exactly what he wanted it to say.  Most of the time, things he couldn't put into words.  I won't have one waiting for me tomorrow morning when I get up and that hurts.  My daughter who lives in Vegas sent me a bouquet of tulips.  They look so pretty and springy, some pink some red, in a red heart shaped vase.  That helps.  But as you all know, it's never going to be the same without our loved ones here.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on February 13, 2011 at 4:35pm

On February 14, 09 Dan and I went to the Chapel to attend Mass with his sister and it just happened to fall on a Saturday so, during the Mass the Priest asked all the couples to stand and renew our vows. This was totally unexpected and after renewing our marriage vows, as did all the other couples, we made a few jokes about it with his sister, who took us, as we were leaving. You know, 'where's the rice?' and I said, 'this makes you (Dan's sister) the matron of honor' and then 'are we going honeymoonin to Niagra Falls.' All we planned on doing was going to Mass. Now, when I think of it, I had no idea we wouldn't be able to say the following year that we have another anniversary to celebrate because he passed away January 22, 2010. Before this, we never made much of a fuss on Valentine's Day, as I always told our family that with him every day was Valentine's Day. But he always had a little surprise for me like flowers, going out to eat, beautifully written cards from our heart to one another, chocolates and I always had a surprise for him, his favorite chocolates, but nothing major. Now, the memory is a heartache and the pain is unbearable. To live the rest of my life without him is up in smoke. It's just another day to me. Whenever a commercial for this occasion comes on I just change the station real quick. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next five minutes, never mind all the seconds since the year of the firsts is over. It's like, what is the point in anything any more. My life is full of pain and emptiness with each new day. If God wasn't carrying me through since I turn things over to Him, I would just never get out of bed at all. I hope we all get through these days somehow.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on February 13, 2011 at 4:59pm

I have read a wonderful book called Lost My Partner What'll I Do?  Below is an article that I received from the newsletter that I receive from the authors of this book.  They are Laurie Spector and Ruth Spector Webster.  My husband died July 2009 and this will be my second Valentine's day without him.  It is VERY hard to go to Hallmark stores and not pick up that "special" hubby card.  I've done it many times.  And this year I actually bought one for Douglas and I will write in it and sign it with all my love.  It will be put in the memory book that I have put together of our life together (32 years).  I cried and I miss him.  I love him more than ever, but that didn't stop me from buying a card and expressing in writting how I feel about him.  It made my heart feel better.  Baby steps, that is what I am taking, baby steps!  I wish all of you a Valentine's Day full of love, memories, ease of pain, and most of all, happiness!

 

In peace,

 

Brigitte

 

HOW TO BEAT THE VALENTINE’S BLUES IF YOU’RE WIDOWED

 

It’s all around you: painful reminders that you don’t have that “someone special” with whom to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Although your spouse/partner isn’t here to share the day, consider expanding your definition of what the word “love” really means.

 

This year, remind yourself that “love” isn’t just limited by the type of relationship you shared with your spouse/partner. By widening your scope a bit, you can embrace all the other relationships in your life where you give and receive affection. This can mean including relationships such as family members and good friends.

 

Use the Valentine’s holiday to show your appreciation of these other important personal relationships in some of the following ways:

 

1. Schedule an outing or meal such as lunch or dinner to get together with a good friend or family member.
2. Remember when you were a kid and gave valentines to friends and classmates? Revive this childhood custom with relatives and friends.
3. Show yourself some appreciation. Think back and list on a valentine card at least two things you’ve achieved since your spouse’s death that you used to think weren’t possible. It’s important to give yourself credit for the progress you’ve made.
4. Treat yourself to some pampering (a manicure or massage), or buy yourself a gift (hobby items or clothes or yes, a box of chocolates).

 

Remember that your marriage was just one of several caring relationships in your life. This year, begin a new tradition by celebrating all of them.

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