Watching out for me!!

I was wishing the other day that I had someone who cared for me. And then I really got to thinking about it. Because that wasn't what I really meant. I know my children care about me, they love me. My siblings care about me. And I also know you all care about me, as I do about you.

I wasn't thinking about it in the sense of taking care of me if I were ill or as I get older. Although, someday that may be an issue, and I worry about it. But that is down the road.

The more I thought about it. I think the word I was looking for is some one to "watch" over me. I miss having Jim say, what are you doing? How are you feeling? When I leave the house. There is no one who will miss me if I'm late, and worry. No one to ask how my day was. No one to make sure my car is running as it should. Watching out for me, as I did him. Oh, I miss a lot of other things, the hugs, holding hands, completing each others thoughts.etc. I have never lived alone before, there was always someone watching, my parents and then my husbands (in my case, I have been widowed twice), and the children that were still young, the time I lost my first husband.

There certainly is a difference in being alone and being lonely. . The void that is left, when someone dies, like half of you was wriped away. The plans for the future that are no more. As time continues to go by, the magnitude of the loss eases but longing for the little things grows larger. I continue to pray that we all find the peace and comfort we desire. Hugs to you all.

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Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 8, 2010 at 10:29pm

I agree with you totally. It's not the same that my loved ones care about me from afar. That is one of the most depressing moments is when I think of him not being here now to look out for me the only way he did which was 24/7 and it is very difficult to really accept that now we will not be able to look out for each other in our old age the way I thought it would happen. But then I remember (to myself) that we all come into this world alone and we will leave alone. I know it's a melancholy kind of thought but true, nonetheless. It's still hurts, though, and makes me feel so sad.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 8, 2010 at 10:34pm

Mary, isnt it truly amazing that almost all our postings are exactly what we would say. You have said exactly my same feelings. Some one to "watch over us".All of those things that are gone now have meant so much to us and they are gone now. Like I had mentioned before, someone who cared and asked and knew your moods, ect.. Where you could show off, impress,act silly and "strut your stuff". The "contentment" is missing. I continue to hope for peace and comfort that we desire too. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Nancey on October 8, 2010 at 10:41pm

Yes, sometimes the little things become a very big deal, at least to me in my grieving process.

No one to call and say "What time are you leaving work?" or say "Where are you at?" when I'm on the road driving home. (Usually he was cooking supper for me and wanted to time when to put the steaks on the grill)

No one to listen to my letting off steam about work when I just needed someone on my side.

Most of all, the plans for the future that are no more. Working for years to reach a goal that won't ever be....a dream shattered.....no growing old together....just growing old alone.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 8, 2010 at 10:45pm

Hugs to all of you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on October 8, 2010 at 11:22pm

I think we all feel this "no one to watch over" or tell things to anymore feelings. It;s the hardest part to make others understand too. My husband had me retire when we married because he was retired and it was driving him crazy worrying about me out on the highways to and from work. We travelled alot in our short time together and had lots of plans for our new home and many more trips in the works. I had planned to continue travelling but its just not the same and I could care less at this point in time. I am glad my daughter is here and keeping me moving about my home at the moment as it does help the depression some, until the wee hours like right now that is. I have such a hard time going up to bed knowing how empty it is up there. I have just started doing some volunteer stuff with my church and that fills some of my hours too but nighttime is always the worst..

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on October 8, 2010 at 11:26pm

Mary and Randolph you have said it all. Someone to watch over us, the peace and contentment that we shared. Growing old together like fine wine. We have all lost that. Tomorrow will be 14 months that my Larry has been gone. I still can't say the d word. The loneliness is the worst and I really miss the hugs. Those great big bear hugs, where I felt so secure. I miss the "Honey, what are you doing? Can I help?" I don't know what the future holds for me but I know my Larry is beside me every step of the way.
Take care Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Glenda F. Camp on October 9, 2010 at 10:06pm

One of the things I miss most is seeing Tom standing at our front door on Sunday evenings when I took the garbage can to the curb. Even though we live in a very safe neighborhood, he always wanted to make sure I was okay. Sometimes I can almost picture him there, and then I am reminded that he will never be there again. Indescribable sadness. I understand how difficult it is for those of you who are just beginning this journey none of us wanted to take. Be kind to yourselves and know that there are people here who support you. Yes, Randolph. Hugs are good even when they are traveling through cyberspace!

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on October 10, 2010 at 11:25am

Greetings, all,

I have a fairly high-intensity, technical job; I have to admit, my first husband, the father of my three boys, whom I was married to for 21 years - I could come home and say, "the VPN went down; the production database crashed with a highly evil ORA-0600 [], [], []; I had to send dump files and logs to Oracle, I executed ps -ef | grep "LOCAL=NO" | awk '{ print $2 }' | xargs kill -9 and killed the wrong processes," - and he would pretty much understand, being a computer geek. He is a good man, highly intelligent, but rather Aspergerish - very emotionally impaired.

Byron, being a clinical psychologist, and able to use computers but not loving them - I couldn't really talk about work in the same way (he absolutely HATED that I would get called at 2 AM - he was ready to cuss someone out, once, and he did NOT want my computer in our bedroom!) - but just being able to come home to him, to have him there - that was enough, and it was even more comforting that letting off technical, computer-geek steam - all he had to do was speak in his incredibly soft, comforting voice, and that was all I needed to hear - he could tell me that we'd gotten a letter from the IRS and that the washer needed to be replaced and oil was leaking from the car - what have you - but just hearing him made my day!

I can grouse about work with fellow workerbees - but it is not the same as coming home and having the one who is the rest of you there....

Healing, grace and comfort be with you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Connie on October 10, 2010 at 5:29pm

Mary, I honestly understand what you are saying. I have a great family that cares for me and are here for me whenever they can or whenever I need them. It just isn't the same. I need the man that I spent my life with. The man that I wanted to be with forever. You are so right, we knew what each other was thinking and could complete the thought for us. When you spend most of your life with one person, it hurts so terribly when they are taken away from you. It was 11 months yesterday. Our 47th anniversary is on Friday and he will not be here with me. He would send me roses, one for each year that we were married. No roses this year. I miss him so mich and I don't know how I am going to get through this week.

Permalink Reply by bc on October 11, 2010 at 6:31am

You all have said it all. It's hard knowing I can't grow old with Brad and dream the dreams we had left to dream. I can't write anymore than what you all have, all I know is my life is lonely. I try to get out and put on the "fake smile", but inside I'm crying. Thanks to all of you for being here. Hugs!

Connie said:

Mary, I honestly understand what you are saying. I have a great family that cares for me and are here for me whenever they can or whenever I need them. It just isn't the same. I need the man that I spent my life with. The man that I wanted to be with forever. You are so right, we knew what each other was thinking and could complete the thought for us. When you spend most of your life with one person, it hurts so terribly when they are taken away from you. It was 11 months yesterday. Our 47th anniversary is on Friday and he will not be here with me. He would send me roses, one for each year that we were married. No roses this year. I miss him so mich and I don't know how I am going to get through this week.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 11, 2010 at 7:56am

Mary, everything you say is so true. The longing for those little things and the void of them can magnify, and become very painfull to imange never having that again. Someone who truely understands how you feel or knows your late and worries, or to just go by you with a touch and with that touch you know it has a meaning without words. hugs to all

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on October 12, 2010 at 12:03am

Beautifully said Mary, and so true. We have people who love us, we just don't have anyone "In Love" with us. And with " In Love", we have all of what you mentioned. It is sad and lonely.