We are Envied

As crazy as it sounds, it has been brought to my attention by two dear women recently that we, the mourning spouses, are envied! It's another perspective on our situation. This long time acquaintance of mine has become a closer friend since Larry's death. She explained to me this weekend that she is 50 + years old and will likely die without ever having a "true love" or being "loved” at all by a man. It broke my heart. She has been married twice and has two sons, but explained both husbands were abusive in different ways and neither ever loved her. The other woman is a friend from high school that found me on facebook several months ago. She is in her mid-forties and never married or had children. She said she was very envious of my life and family. So, as hard as this is, I am trying to remind myself how blessed I have been. I keep reading here where everyone that has a heart will eventually go through what we are going through one day, but that is not necessarily true. Some very lovely people will never share in a close loving relationship as we have. We are the fortunate ones.

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Permalink Reply by Floss on February 22, 2011 at 11:44pm

Suzanne said:

I read somewhere, and I agree with this, that we grieve because we loved so much. Sometimes I think I envy those who never received love because the pain of losing him is so unbearable. To me there are only two kinds of people, those who get it and those who don't. I guess those who never married or felt loved will never really know how this feels. I think the one who wrote, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" was not a widow.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 22, 2011 at 11:44pm

That is so true, Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Showbiz Kid on February 23, 2011 at 12:36am

I guess I can understand that... never thought of it that way I guess...

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 23, 2011 at 6:44am

I don't know if I agree. I feel as if I'm being punished by having to live without Larry and the suffering is constant. Not a moment goes by that he isn't in my thoughts. My heart is breaking all day every day. BUT, a friend posed this question to me & I think about it alot "If you knew now that it would end this way, would you do it again?" I say whole heartedly "YES!" I am still in love with my husband & I am so thankful for every moment we shared. He blessed my life & the lives of my family & friends & we are better people for having known him. I blessed him and his life also- we were so thankful to have found each other. We can't experience great joy without knowing great sorrow. I guess it's a package deal.

Suzanne said:

I read somewhere, and I agree with this, that we grieve because we loved so much. Sometimes I think I envy those who never received love because the pain of losing him is so unbearable. To me there are only two kinds of people, those who get it and those who don't. I guess those who never married or felt loved will never really know how this feels. I think the one who wrote, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" was not a widow.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on February 23, 2011 at 5:44pm

Hi Christy,

Others have said in past replies about what I said about 'being better to have never loved' and that they felt blessed for having their spouse in their life and I do understand this point completely. If it wasn't for my husband I would not have felt the love that I do because he wrote on the wall of who I was. It's just that it hurts so much because I hate that he is a memory. And knowing that I will always feel grief and sorrow, I just wonder to myself how will I make it for the rest of my life with this pain in my heart. The package deal about not experiencing the joy without the sorrow is an excellent point. As I said, it's just that it hurts so much. I keep thinking, why do we have to go through this pain of losing someone. That is what I don't get. I don't think the pain of loss will ever go away for me. All I guess I was trying to say is I don't think I would volunteer to go through this pain of having my heart broken in a million pieces. But, on the other hand, I really do know what you mean.

Take care,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 24, 2011 at 7:32am

There is no polite word to describe the situation we find ourselves in- it sucks! On top of the grief I have for losing Larry, now I find myself grieving for people I don't even know, like notices in the paper as well as feeling deep sorrow for past deaths that I couldn't relate to as fully as I do now, like a co-worker whose baby was stillbirth 2 years ago. It weighs so heavily on me. Sometimes I wish I could have died first and would never have known this pain, but then I wouldn't want Larry to suffer this way. He lost his grandfather that raised him when he was 16 yrs old & was still struggling with his death over 22 years later! Ignorance was bliss. Now my eyes have been opened to the pain & suffering of death and all I can do is try to fight it with something positive. I haven't quite figured it out, but I hope it happens.

Suzanne said:

Hi Christy,

Others have said in past replies about what I said about 'being better to have never loved' and that they felt blessed for having their spouse in their life and I do understand this point completely. If it wasn't for my husband I would not have felt the love that I do because he wrote on the wall of who I was. It's just that it hurts so much because I hate that he is a memory. And knowing that I will always feel grief and sorrow, I just wonder to myself how will I make it for the rest of my life with this pain in my heart. The package deal about not experiencing the joy without the sorrow is an excellent point. As I said, it's just that it hurts so much. I keep thinking, why do we have to go through this pain of losing someone. That is what I don't get. I don't think the pain of loss will ever go away for me. All I guess I was trying to say is I don't think I would volunteer to go through this pain of having my heart broken in a million pieces. But, on the other hand, I really do know what you mean.

Take care,

Suzanne