Just had my first very lonely weekend; more time to think of the love and loneliness I feel for my husband Ernie.  I realize I just can't rely on family and friends forever and my girlfriends have spouses and do their own thing together.  I am retired; have few relatives; have no children and I thought I wouldn't make it through the weekend and thankfully did, but then wondered how many weekends I would be facing with nothing but memories.  How does one get through that feeling?  On top of everything else I have a terrible cold so out the door went the idea of gardening as my husband and I loved to garden.  I cried so much over the weekend that I have little energy right now.  I have been wondering when the time is right to volunteer and get out and meet other people, but I can cry at the drop of a hat and that doesn't really fill up those lonely weekends.  Any suggestions?

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Replies to This Discussion

Hello Marcy.  That is definitely a hard thing.  The weekends....yes, we often find ourselves with too much time on our hands, and that lets our minds to go the place where it is the most difficult for us.  We are all looking for those distractions.  I struggle with that also, although I have my children, one of whom lives close by.  Some practical things are perhaps getting a pet, more specifically a dog, a rescue dog, one looking for someone to love them.  I have one and she has really saved me, being there by my side, keeping me company.  It takes the attention off you and onto them, gets you out of the house, etc.  It is a way to be busy but if you feel you aren't ready to interact with people then it is a step toward that.  Also, volunteering is kind of a hard choice, because depending on where you volunteer, it isn't always the happiest place.  If you like to go to church there could be church groups that could be appealing, volunteering there is usually more uplifting.  You mention gardening, that sounds great.  There might be gardening groups around you could get involved in too. 

 

You don't mention how long since you lost Ernie?  I lost Jack last August.  I have gone back to work to fill my time in, but expecting a new grandchild soon and pretty sure I will retire then. 

 

While it is hard to be alone with the memories Marcy, I find I take the time to just sit and relax and share the space with my sweetheart, and if you have to cry, well that is ok you know. 

 

Good luck and I hope you will find something to fill in those empty spaces just a little.

Hugs,

Carol

Hello Marcy.  That is definitely a hard thing.  The weekends....yes, we often find ourselves with too much time on our hands, and that lets our minds to go the place where it is the most difficult for us.  We are all looking for those distractions.  I struggle with that also, although I have my children, one of whom lives close by.  Some practical things are perhaps getting a pet, more specifically a dog, a rescue dog, one looking for someone to love them.  I have one and she has really saved me, being there by my side, keeping me company.  It takes the attention off you and onto them, gets you out of the house, etc.  It is a way to be busy but if you feel you aren't ready to interact with people then it is a step toward that.  Also, volunteering is kind of a hard choice, because depending on where you volunteer, it isn't always the happiest place.  If you like to go to church there could be church groups that could be appealing, volunteering there is usually more uplifting.  You mention gardening, that sounds great.  There might be gardening groups around you could get involved in too. 

 

You don't mention how long since you lost Ernie?  I lost Jack last August.  I have gone back to work to fill my time in, but expecting a new grandchild soon and pretty sure I will retire then. 

 

While it is hard to be alone with the memories Marcy, I find I take the time to just sit and relax and share the space with my sweetheart, and if you have to cry, well that is ok you know. 

 

Good luck and I hope you will find something to fill in those empty spaces just a little.

Hugs,

Carol

In the beginning, Sundays were difficult for me. That was our day together, and we shared it with very few others. I am still working. I would cry about everything and nothing. I had some friends on facebook, so I was there alot. I had to do the laundry and get groceries, but some days I never got dressed.
Through my grief, a new me is trying to emerge. I can never go back to the person I was with my husband. My circle of friends is changing too.
You can't figure it out all at once. I spent an evening with the hospice grief counselor. That helped a lot. I tried a grief group, but I only went once. When I found this site, it was my salvation. I spent my down time here, reading and commenting. I realized that my feelings are normal, and I knew I would not feel this badly forever. Good luck on this roller coaster, there are ups with the downs. Hugs
Hi Marcy, I know what you mean about the weekends.  Luckily I have grandchildren that try and keep me busy, but even then I still feel alone.  It has only been 6 weeks since I lost my Dave unexpectedly.  I too cry at the drop of a hat.  I really have to try and hide it at work but it happens many times during the day.  I hate when I come home and hit that garage door opener and his car is sitting there.  I have gone to a counselor a couple of times now but I can't say it has done any good.  I did however do as Carol suggested and adopted a rescue dog.  She is the sweetest thing and wants nothing except lots of love.  I have tried reading but I can't concentrate long enough to know what I read.  That also goes for watching tv. My kids are insisting that I go on vacation to the coast (I live in Texas) with them in a couple of weeks.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Dave loved the beach so hopefully it will be therapudic for me. On the other hand, I don't want to go without him. I don't know how long this deep depression lasts but I know it will take a loooong time unfortunately before I will even feel like I can breathe again.  This site is so helpful and good luck.

Hi Carol ...

|Thank you for replying and I very sorry to hear of the loss of your Jack, but we all know that gut wrenching pain we have to try and get through.  Ernie passed away of pancreatic/liver cancer April 27th, 2011 and he was ill for quite sometime with other complications and the month in hospital was a hell for him and I felt so useless not being able to help him as I had in the past.  It was a shock to both Ernie and I because he was told by his specialist he would be coming home and of course Ernie did not make it home.  I expect him to walk through the door at anytime.  I do have two dogs 'Tootsie' (part Bishon Frise); Booker T (Cockapoo) and our 13 hear old cat Molly.  They are a blessing, but sometimes it is all I can do to get out of bed.  I am still shaky from the loss of Ernie although sometimes I have a couple of good days until a wave of mourning comes over me which I think is very normal.  I live just outside of Vancouver, British Columbia.  I can't travel yet as my head is in a fog (the cold I have doesn't help me.)  I do understand about the depression and being able to breathe again.  I love this site and read all the posts knowing that all here understand the pain each of us is going for and thank God for this forum.

 

You take care Carol and we'll take one step at a time.

 

Marcy 

 

 

Carol Kayser said:

Hello Marcy.  That is definitely a hard thing.  The weekends....yes, we often find ourselves with too much time on our hands, and that lets our minds to go the place where it is the most difficult for us.  We are all looking for those distractions.  I struggle with that also, although I have my children, one of whom lives close by.  Some practical things are perhaps getting a pet, more specifically a dog, a rescue dog, one looking for someone to love them.  I have one and she has really saved me, being there by my side, keeping me company.  It takes the attention off you and onto them, gets you out of the house, etc.  It is a way to be busy but if you feel you aren't ready to interact with people then it is a step toward that.  Also, volunteering is kind of a hard choice, because depending on where you volunteer, it isn't always the happiest place.  If you like to go to church there could be church groups that could be appealing, volunteering there is usually more uplifting.  You mention gardening, that sounds great.  There might be gardening groups around you could get involved in too. 

 

You don't mention how long since you lost Ernie?  I lost Jack last August.  I have gone back to work to fill my time in, but expecting a new grandchild soon and pretty sure I will retire then. 

 

While it is hard to be alone with the memories Marcy, I find I take the time to just sit and relax and share the space with my sweetheart, and if you have to cry, well that is ok you know. 

 

Good luck and I hope you will find something to fill in those empty spaces just a little.

Hugs,

Carol

Hi Jo ...  I am so very sorry the memories are so fresh for you and feel so badly at the recent loss of your loved one and we all seem to have lost our spouses at different intervals.  My beloved Ernie passed away of pancreatic/liver cancer April 27, 2011 and it was a great shock to us as the specialist kept tell us he would come home.  I know that loneliness you are talking about and it doesn't seem to matter how close family are or if you are in a group of people the loneliness is still there like a void.  You are, in ways lucky to be working (I am retired) and too goofy and muddle headed right now to try and go back to work part-time and it seems like a vicious circle and most of the time I don't feel I make head-way.  I am so thrilled to hear you got a rescue dog as Carol suggested.  I have 2 dogs Tootsie and Booker T and one cat Molly.  They are amazing and my husband and I loved them so and often walked together at least once in the evening, but now when I walk them that pain rises up with all the memories and I am simply walking alone with the dogs.  I have tried reading as well and can't concentrate.  Several months ago I bought one of those machines that transfers VHS to DVD and looking at the instructions was like reading Greek ... can't concentrate so it sits on my kitchen table.  I am not ready to go to the rivers or oceans where Ernie and I went just yet.  I am also in group therapy and have gone to one meeting, but they have a mixed group of 3 younger people who certainly are grieving over different loses, but have other problems as well and there are only two of us ladies that have lost a spouse so I haven't found so far that I am getting anything out of this group, but willing to give it another try.  Everyone is wonderful here and I appreciate being part of it as it is a lifesaver and I know I can say what I feel without being ridiculed.  My friends who still have their spouses do not understand the heartache I feel and why I am not laughing or being my old self.  I find faking smiling or trying to joke exhausting so I'm being kind to myself and just going through the mourning the best I can.  It is a long journey, but many have been where we are and have survived so that should give all of us some hope.

 

Take good care of yourself Jo.

 

Hugs

Marcy

 


Jo Bartoszek said:

Hi Marcy, I know what you mean about the weekends.  Luckily I have grandchildren that try and keep me busy, but even then I still feel alone.  It has only been 6 weeks since I lost my Dave unexpectedly.  I too cry at the drop of a hat.  I really have to try and hide it at work but it happens many times during the day.  I hate when I come home and hit that garage door opener and his car is sitting there.  I have gone to a counselor a couple of times now but I can't say it has done any good.  I did however do as Carol suggested and adopted a rescue dog.  She is the sweetest thing and wants nothing except lots of love.  I have tried reading but I can't concentrate long enough to know what I read.  That also goes for watching tv. My kids are insisting that I go on vacation to the coast (I live in Texas) with them in a couple of weeks.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Dave loved the beach so hopefully it will be therapudic for me. On the other hand, I don't want to go without him. I don't know how long this deep depression lasts but I know it will take a loooong time unfortunately before I will even feel like I can breathe again.  This site is so helpful and good luck.

Hi Maggie ...

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Ernie and I also use to walk the dogs every day on the weekend and evenings after dinner and now I walk alone with the dogs and cry my eyes out.  I find not working (retired) the hardest because at least it's a diversion and I am too into grieving to look for part-time work right now.  I am like you and can get a spurt of energy and do housework, etc., but since I got this cold over the weekend I have not been out of my bathrobe since Saturday (only showered) and my hair looks like Martin Shorts on a bad hair day.  I find just getting dressed at times or the simplest of things takes all the energy I have.  Then without warning my girlfriend and I are the flower nurseries picking up plants and all is well for a while and then 'THE WAVE' comes over me and I fold up like a tent.  I was telling Carol and Jo that I am at a group session put on by the Hospice, but there is too much of a mixture of losses (one is not any less than another) but only two of us are widows.  I guess I was expecting more so I think I will do what you have and have a one-on-one with a counselor.  Sometimes I feel I am losing it and can't go on and yet I do.  Yes, the site is a wonder and I love the people on here and feel I can say what is in my heart instead of pretending I am doing OK like I have to do with family and friends.  I think what I fear the most is my age and if there will be life left for me in the future where I will laugh again and enjoy life.  No one can take the place of my beloved Ernie, but companions are wonderful as friends and just to talk too, but I'm not getting into that part of life yet as there is still a lot of grieving to do.

 

Thanks again Maggie and remember ... crying is good for all of us.

 

Hugs

Marcy

Maggie Poxson said:

In the beginning, Sundays were difficult for me. That was our day together, and we shared it with very few others. I am still working. I would cry about everything and nothing. I had some friends on facebook, so I was there alot. I had to do the laundry and get groceries, but some days I never got dressed.
Through my grief, a new me is trying to emerge. I can never go back to the person I was with my husband. My circle of friends is changing too.
You can't figure it out all at once. I spent an evening with the hospice grief counselor. That helped a lot. I tried a grief group, but I only went once. When I found this site, it was my salvation. I spent my down time here, reading and commenting. I realized that my feelings are normal, and I knew I would not feel this badly forever. Good luck on this roller coaster, there are ups with the downs. Hugs

Hi Marcy, while re-reading posts I have noticed that you must live close to me.  I live in Abbotsford, B.C. 1 hr outside of Vancouver.  Where do you live?  All the dear sweet people on the site live so far away, I would love to meet them, but I get excited when I hear someone lives close to me!  I hope your cold feels better too.  Let me know. 

 

Carol

Hi Carol ...

 

WOOHOO!  I live in Port Coquitlam, B.C.  I know there are the greatest people on here, but as you say we all live in different countries it appears so it's wonderful to meet someone that doesn't live that far from me.  My cold is a bit better and I'm up and about, but find my energy is still low.  It's clouding over here and I think it's going to rain.  I wanted to get out and get some gardening done, but no such luck so I'll have to do something else in the house to try to keep my mind occupied.

 

Nice we are so close!

 

Hugs

Marcy

Carol Kayser said:

Hi Marcy, while re-reading posts I have noticed that you must live close to me.  I live in Abbotsford, B.C. 1 hr outside of Vancouver.  Where do you live?  All the dear sweet people on the site live so far away, I would love to meet them, but I get excited when I hear someone lives close to me!  I hope your cold feels better too.  Let me know. 

 

Carol

Well Marcy!!! how exciting is this!!  Nice, and yes, the people are sweethearts and I so wish they weren't so far away from us, or us from them, LOL.   So, no pressure at all, but if you would like to meet in person, I am totally up for that!  Here is my hotmail address....ca.kayser@hotmail.com.  If you would like to meet for coffee, a chat, great.  We could line up at Red Robinson casino/restaurant or around IKEA somewhere...I am not the best with directions, but I used to live in North Van for years, so think about it and let me know.  

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Hi Carol ...

 

WOOHOO!  I live in Port Coquitlam, B.C.  I know there are the greatest people on here, but as you say we all live in different countries it appears so it's wonderful to meet someone that doesn't live that far from me.  My cold is a bit better and I'm up and about, but find my energy is still low.  It's clouding over here and I think it's going to rain.  I wanted to get out and get some gardening done, but no such luck so I'll have to do something else in the house to try to keep my mind occupied.

 

Nice we are so close!

 

Hugs

Marcy

Carol Kayser said:

Hi Marcy, while re-reading posts I have noticed that you must live close to me.  I live in Abbotsford, B.C. 1 hr outside of Vancouver.  Where do you live?  All the dear sweet people on the site live so far away, I would love to meet them, but I get excited when I hear someone lives close to me!  I hope your cold feels better too.  Let me know. 

 

Carol

Well is right Carol ... so exciting!  I just found out I have the flu, but when I am over that I would love to see you and chat as we certainly seem to have a lot in common (like most of us.)  Wrote down your hotmail address and will contact you tonight.

Carol Kayser said:
Well Marcy!!! how exciting is this!!  Nice, and yes, the people are sweethearts and I so wish they weren't so far away from us, or us from them, LOL.   So, no pressure at all, but if you would like to meet in person, I am totally up for that!  Here is my hotmail address....ca.kayser@hotmail.com.  If you would like to meet for coffee, a chat, great.  We could line up at Red Robinson casino/restaurant or around IKEA somewhere...I am not the best with directions, but I used to live in North Van for years, so think about it and let me know.  

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Hi Carol ...

 

WOOHOO!  I live in Port Coquitlam, B.C.  I know there are the greatest people on here, but as you say we all live in different countries it appears so it's wonderful to meet someone that doesn't live that far from me.  My cold is a bit better and I'm up and about, but find my energy is still low.  It's clouding over here and I think it's going to rain.  I wanted to get out and get some gardening done, but no such luck so I'll have to do something else in the house to try to keep my mind occupied.

 

Nice we are so close!

 

Hugs

Marcy

Carol Kayser said:

Hi Marcy, while re-reading posts I have noticed that you must live close to me.  I live in Abbotsford, B.C. 1 hr outside of Vancouver.  Where do you live?  All the dear sweet people on the site live so far away, I would love to meet them, but I get excited when I hear someone lives close to me!  I hope your cold feels better too.  Let me know. 

 

Carol

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