Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Floss on July 13, 2011 at 4:54am

Linda, I too copied you post, and sent it to my therapist, Now at least she can just look up my email, and just go from there, as I sometimes, forget what to tell her how I feel, so thank you for that, with all my heart.  I so love reading your posts, as I can identify with you, hugs to you and God Bless

Linda C said:

@ Jo...It was a year for me in May. I know what you mean about it getting worse.  I thought I was getting better, too, but nope.  I sent the following email to everyone in my address book:

 

To All,
I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life.
Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me,
or I have given this to you.

How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally drained and exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has
happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do.
I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be
in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company.
Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally
occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and
often I will be totally lost.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize
what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self
control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it is so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate
that you are doing it, so please don't stop.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same
intensity again, as my perspective of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden
reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.

Emotional Things You Can Do
• Let me talk about him. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last
days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the
best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me.
I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me
crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear
everything about him. If you don't know any, find out some from those who are too scared to
approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have
to do anything. Just allowing me to do it and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my
emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if
someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.

What Not To Do
• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through,
unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it,
trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
• Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or a pet, it's
not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and
as you have asked, you truly want to know.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me
in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small
talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes
me feel like you don't care.
• Don't tell me everything will be okay.
• Don't tell me "he's always with you".
• Don't tell me "he's no longer in pain".
• Don't tell me "he's looking down on you from heaven".
• Don't tell me "you're lucky that you had such love, some people don't".
• Don't tell me "he's in a better place".
• Don't be surprised however if I say these things…
• Don't ever tell me "you must be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak,
this is it. What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have
been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you
have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give
you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept
them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an
obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on".

Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me
hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
• Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed.
• Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave.
• Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have
no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything.
 • Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me.
It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.

Practical Things I Need To Do
• I need to surround myself with beauty.
• Sit in the sun and just soak it up.
• Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.
• Have a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.

Remember
• Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year,
it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to a major physical injury. You may not be able to see the
wounds on the inside, but they are there.
• Real-life is nothing like TV.
• I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
• I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and flows, but never goes
away completely.

If you have read this far, I thank you.  That means you care and I truly appreciate it.

Love,

Linda

 

Permalink Reply by Cathy Pisciottano on July 13, 2011 at 10:23am

Linda C. I too would like to make a cpoy of your post. It  said everthing about how I feel. It will be 2 year Aug 5th that my husband died of lung cancer. I am still at a loss on how to deal with all this raw emotions.  I have had many losses thought the years, mom, dad, 2 younger sisters, aunts, cousinsand yes a few pets but NOTHING can compaire to the loss of your mate. It rocks you down to the very core of your being... We were toghether 24/7. We worked together, played together, planed for our old age. Now what? I get so tired of hearing people say move on, but its a hard road to travel by your self. They just can`t seem to understand that I have no idear how to move on, nor do I have the motavation to do anything with out him. But I try. I go to work, thank god I have a job, it help take my mind off things for a little while but even there I am reminded of him, but it coming home alone ever night thats the worst. I guess only time will heal my broken heart. Thank you every one, it does help to come here and relize I am not going crazy.

Permalink Reply by Linda C on July 13, 2011 at 6:12pm

I found myself thinking about what I would be doing a year from now or 2 years from now, etc., and I had to shut off my mind, because it was too painful.  It really scares me to think I will still be in this much pain for years to come and that he really is gone and will not be coming back.  Sometimes I think, God, please just take me so I can be with my beloved.  Does anyone else feel this way?

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on July 13, 2011 at 8:13pm

Linda C.,  I can't bear to think about anything but today.  I figure if I get up and get dressed I am doing good.  I just don't know what to do with myself now.  I panic when I think I have to spend the rest of my life without Neal.  

On one of my bad days I was with my cousin.  I told her I don't want to die, but I want to be with Neal.  I know that is contridictrary, but I just want to rewind the clock and change things so that he would not get cancer and we could do the list of things we always wanted to do.   So I understand what you are talking about. 

Linda C., keep writing exactly what you feel, because we all understand, but do not go beyond thinking to ask God to take you.  Somehow we will all get through each day with the help of each other.  HUGS

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Franck on July 13, 2011 at 8:27pm

Absolutely! The first year was the hardest but as you can reason with yourself over time it gets easier. Your emotions don't interrupt you while you are trying to contemplate Gods purpose. At first I could care less about any purpose I wanted my best friend and lover. I wanted to be gone too. As things progress IF you can get enough sleep you start thinking more rationally about the people here that still need you. I really started to see a subtle change in my out look at 2 years. That was just in May. I also found this group a couple weeks after the anniversary. Is that the reason? I wouldn't know. The last of my 3 kids moved out the end of June too so that may be why I feel calmer. They are all gainfully employed and on their own.

I try not to look at the future because it is not what I wanted. It is not what our dreams and our hopes were supposed to be. This empty nest I was supposed to share with Wade. So now at this point I look at what I can do now that will make me feel incrementally better. Even if it is just painting a room, or going through a cupboard and making chaos into order. One day at a time one step at a time. Your post about how you felt during grief was me, inside and out. I shared it with my family and so many said "oh no I hope I didn't hurt you while I was trying to help!" It made my sister, my biggest support through this.... break down in tears and she said that you finished all my sentences that I could not finish. She said BRAVO to you and Bravo that I was brave enough to share it with our family. People need to be educated! Thank you Linda There are going to be many counselors out there with copies of your " I lost the one I love: insight"

I pray for you that God will come along side you and give you comfort. That you would be able to see a glimmer that will give you hope and direct your path. I pray that for each one of us here, Hugs to cry with you and hugs to comfort you, Kathleen 

Permalink Reply by Christy on July 14, 2011 at 7:37am

Jo, you are a strong person. When I first came here you provided me w/ some of the best advice about not dwelling on our sorrow and getting out/staying busy... My 1 yr. will be August 27th. I have tried my utmost to live a postive life he would be proud of, following his example- no alcohol, drugs ( except a few prescription anxiety pills at Christmas). I have tried to honor him/his memory out of my love for him, my thankfulness for all he did for me and my family and largely to remind his young son that his Dad was a special man. You have my dream job; I went to art school for advertising design & photo design after high school before leaving due to expense. I am in school once again at the community college hoping to get a degree in Art. I am a wastewater laboraty analyst! There's nothing creative about it, but it pays the bills quite well. I am forced to get up & go to work each day to the place that I worked at for almost 8 years w/ my husband. It is very hard on me. I wish I could do something that could provide as well for my family somewhere else, but I have 1 yr. left before attaining a retirement income.

My point is this: you, me all of us here are existing without the one who made life worth living. It is going to take time, patience and perseverance to move into the next stage of our life. We are currently in a chapter we are not happy in, but we will progress into better times if we don't shut down/give up. You are fortunate to have a job that gives you some flexabilty/freedom and supportive people (your ex & his wife) who are there for you. So what if  doing a little shopping makes you feel better, just stay within your limits. Also, you sd yourself to get out & socialize. Find something worthwhile that puts you in contact with others. This is extremely important! I consider myself a box turtle, but over the course of this past year I have "come out of my shell." I wish you the best each & every day. Hugs~ Christy

Permalink Reply by Christy on July 14, 2011 at 7:51am

Linda, Yes I feel exactly the same way and have felt this way every day for over 10 months now. I would never consider suicide but I just don't want to be here anymore. I was bit by a rattlesnake the day after Easter and after the intial shock, a great peace came over me. I thought I was going to die and I was so thankful God had finally decided to take me! Family & friends that rushed to visit at the ER were amazed at how calm I was. I was told that I was bit by a large viper (timber rattlesanke) and I got a full load of venom. Needless to say, I survived and without any lasting effects. The "snake expert " sd. it was "truely evidence of divine intervention!" This was not the outcome I was hoping for. I was ready to go, but here I am. I see more clearly that each of us go only when it is our time, not a day before! My job now is to accept that I am here & try each day to make a positive difference for someone even in  a very small way. This acceptance helps me manage my pain and grief. I hope you will find peace in your existance too.

Hugs~ Christy

Linda C said:

I found myself thinking about what I would be doing a year from now or 2 years from now, etc., and I had to shut off my mind, because it was too painful.  It really scares me to think I will still be in this much pain for years to come and that he really is gone and will not be coming back.  Sometimes I think, God, please just take me so I can be with my beloved.  Does anyone else feel this way?

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on July 14, 2011 at 5:01pm

Linda C, your post wraps up my life in a nutshell. That is exactly how I feel now. I wish that our family and friends that have not been through this terrible loss could understand how we feel but they can't. I know that they all mean well by trying to help but I guess the only way we will ever get better is if we are able to help ourselves and I don't if that is or will every be possible for me. I just feel like I have no purpose here since the love of my life is gone, but I do believe that God has a plan for each of us so I am going to be thankful for each day I have and maybe one day I will understand his reasons for things. If not here on earth then hopefully one day in Heaven. I am not going to give up because I have a beautiful daughter who has lost one parent and I am going to keep on going so she doesn't have to go through that pain again right now. Love and prayers to all of you on this site. i don't know where I would be without you.

Permalink Reply by Patricia Hill on July 15, 2011 at 7:15pm

I too am coming up on one year on August 4th. The anticipation of that day is probably what is making me depressed and anxious. Some have said that once the one year is past, the following days are better. I sure hope so. I've had my many many moments of depression, I too am on antidepressents but at this point I don't think they make any difference. I continue to work, that seems to give me a purpose and takes my mind off of my loneliness. I find it so hard to believe that your husbands family doesn't speak to you especially after 34 years of marriage. This journey I've been on, and it is truly a journey, I have embraced it and accepted it. I now have a new identity and I have no choice but to open myself up to the next chapter of my life. I don't know where it will lead, or who will be in it but I just take one day at a time. Tomorrow is a brand new day and what comes of it is what is destined to be. I do know that when my day comes I will join my husband, for I am confident he will be there with his hand out welcoming me.

Permalink Reply by marlene westerlund on July 16, 2011 at 1:09pm

Linda C said:

@ Jo...It was a year for me in May. I know what you mean about it getting worse.  I thought I was getting better, too, but nope.  I sent the following email to everyone in my address book:

 

To All,
I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life.
Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me,
or I have given this to you.

How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally drained and exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has
happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do.
I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be
in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company.
Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally
occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and
often I will be totally lost.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize
what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self
control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it is so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate
that you are doing it, so please don't stop.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same
intensity again, as my perspective of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden
reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.

Emotional Things You Can Do
• Let me talk about him. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last
days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the
best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me.
I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me
crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear
everything about him. If you don't know any, find out some from those who are too scared to
approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have
to do anything. Just allowing me to do it and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my
emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if
someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.

What Not To Do
• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through,
unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it,
trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
• Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or a pet, it's
not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and
as you have asked, you truly want to know.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me
in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small
talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes
me feel like you don't care.
• Don't tell me everything will be okay.
• Don't tell me "he's always with you".
• Don't tell me "he's no longer in pain".
• Don't tell me "he's looking down on you from heaven".
• Don't tell me "you're lucky that you had such love, some people don't".
• Don't tell me "he's in a better place".
• Don't be surprised however if I say these things…
• Don't ever tell me "you must be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak,
this is it. What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have
been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you
have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give
you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept
them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an
obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on".

Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me
hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
• Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed.
• Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave.
• Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have
no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything.
 • Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me.
It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.

Practical Things I Need To Do
• I need to surround myself with beauty.
• Sit in the sun and just soak it up.
• Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.
• Have a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.

Remember
• Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year,
it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to a major physical injury. You may not be able to see the
wounds on the inside, but they are there.
• Real-life is nothing like TV.
• I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
• I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and flows, but never goes
away completely.

If you have read this far, I thank you.  That means you care and I truly appreciate it.

Love,

Linda

 

Permalink Reply by marlene westerlund on July 16, 2011 at 1:13pm

Linda

It has almost been a year, a year of hell/you wrote every emotion i felt and described to the littlest detail.

Thank you

It has been about 9months since I been to this site

marlene westerlund said:

Linda C said:

@ Jo...It was a year for me in May. I know what you mean about it getting worse.  I thought I was getting better, too, but nope.  I sent the following email to everyone in my address book:

 

To All,
I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life.
Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me,
or I have given this to you.

How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally drained and exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has
happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do.
I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be
in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company.
Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally
occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and
often I will be totally lost.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize
what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self
control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it is so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate
that you are doing it, so please don't stop.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same
intensity again, as my perspective of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden
reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.

Emotional Things You Can Do
• Let me talk about him. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last
days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the
best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me.
I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me
crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear
everything about him. If you don't know any, find out some from those who are too scared to
approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have
to do anything. Just allowing me to do it and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my
emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if
someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.

What Not To Do
• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through,
unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it,
trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
• Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or a pet, it's
not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and
as you have asked, you truly want to know.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me
in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small
talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes
me feel like you don't care.
• Don't tell me everything will be okay.
• Don't tell me "he's always with you".
• Don't tell me "he's no longer in pain".
• Don't tell me "he's looking down on you from heaven".
• Don't tell me "you're lucky that you had such love, some people don't".
• Don't tell me "he's in a better place".
• Don't be surprised however if I say these things…
• Don't ever tell me "you must be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak,
this is it. What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have
been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you
have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give
you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept
them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an
obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on".

Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me
hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
• Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed.
• Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave.
• Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have
no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything.
 • Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me.
It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.

Practical Things I Need To Do
• I need to surround myself with beauty.
• Sit in the sun and just soak it up.
• Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.
• Have a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.

Remember
• Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year,
it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to a major physical injury. You may not be able to see the
wounds on the inside, but they are there.
• Real-life is nothing like TV.
• I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
• I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and flows, but never goes
away completely.

If you have read this far, I thank you.  That means you care and I truly appreciate it.

Love,

Linda

 

Permalink Reply by Floss on July 17, 2011 at 2:29am

Linda, you are so brave sending that note to everyone you know.  However, I did copy onto my facebook info, and notes. So People can read, and if its too much, I just say tuff. As that is the truth. I have been having really down these days, by just lying in bed, watching tv, and on the laptop. I just hate that I am this way. I would like to travel, but not brave to go on my own. I do pray everyday for motivation, and to forget, this grieving stuff. regards.

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