What if I'd done different?

OK, I know I'm thinking about this because of the month. My Kevin fell at home, on a Sunday morning (thank God I was home) on 10/19/08 & cut head near eyebrow real bad. He did not want me to call squad, I tried to get him upright & take him to car & my neighbor tried to help, but we had to call the squad. He had fallen 4-5 times in prior 3 wks. I had decided a few days before the last fall (last time he was home) to tell our doctor when we went on Tues. (He was seeing her monthly since being dignosed cirrhosis 2 yrs prior). He had pnenounia, so that was why he had been short of breath & fallen. Within 12 hrs he was on ventalor.On the 28th I was told my his doctor they had to take him off ventalor & but in a trac (sp)/respirator, you can't be on that for no more than 10 days. He had a Living Will & I met w/doctor (along w/his brothers & sister/his Mom in assisted living w/dementia). They left it up to me; knowing him better then they did. Removed the ventalor @ 2:30 PM. He was able to wake up, look at us, but could not speak. He seemed to know who was there & followed me when I'd get up w/his eyes. He was moved to Pallitive (sp) Care floor @ 9:30 & passed away at 12:35 AM on 29th.

I'm feeling guilty this past week or so that I should have gotten him to the doctor sooner. Regrets, guess that is what it is. I feel like I didn't take the best care of him I should have

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Permalink Reply by b mohlere on October 14, 2010 at 7:43pm

I've read the comments about 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' . That is what tortures me. I'm not a medical person and my Joe had made sure that I had his Living Will when he went into the hospital. I still wonder what I could have done differently if I had the knowledge and could make rational decisions. I worry that the doctors in the ICU saw cancer not a person who mattered! It just is horrendous and then we try to survive with the loneliness, etc

Permalink Reply by Connie on October 14, 2010 at 9:06pm

Linda, Please don't do this to yourself. I often think that had I made my husband go to the hospital sooner maybe he would have been alright. I think had I stayed at the hospital that night, I would have been with him when he passed. Had I any idea that he was going to die, I would never have left that place. He passed at 6:05 a.m. on 11/9/09. At 9:30 that morning, we were to meet with his doctors to discuss stopping treatment. He loved me enough to not have me make that decision. I couldn't have told them to stop treating him. I never thought he was going to die. I should have known that there was no hope left for him when our doctor, who is the kindest, nicest person, asked for a meeting. I didn't want to believe it and I didn't. Now when I sit and think about it, I should have known and I should have been there with him. The nurse called me at 5:55 a.m. telling me that his heart rate was in freefall. My daughter and I just threw clothes on and got to the hospital as quickly as possible. It took only minutes but by the time we got there, he was gone. I still hate myself for leaving him but it is too late to dwell on that. Had we known what was going to happen, we would have done things differently but who really knew or who really believed that the end was so near. I am sure you did everything you could for him as I really believe that I tried to do for my husband. God makes the decision on when we come into this world and he makes the decision as to when we leave. We need to believe that and try to get by without them. Tomorrow would be our 47th wedding anniversary. I do not want to get up in the morning.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on October 15, 2010 at 1:05am

Linda,

Please don't beat yourself up another day. This month will always be hard for you since this is the month you lost Kevin. I think every one of us could question the "what if's". You were a good wife to Kevin, and you were there for him during all of his health issues along the way, to the end of his time on the earth. He knew you were there for him, and he loved you for it.
I also blamed myself, that I didn't insist on Don going in weeks sooner, and possibly he wouldn't have been in such bad shape when he finally did. But like Connie said, they are grown men, and they made their decisions. The truth is, I know my husband is in a better place, and he is no longer in pain. My husband was such a Macho man, and I watched his pride and dignity slowly fade away, as he could no longer be the man he wanted to be. I get some comfort knowing he is happy in heaven, and not in pain anymore. We want them with us, that is why we beat ourselves up so much.
As far as the Living Will, we had them too. And all we did was make sure their final requests were granted. It was their choice, not ours. My husband told the Doctor in the emergency room he didn't want to ever be on life support. Be glad that you followed his wishes instead of second guessing yourself. You made the right decision, so please my friend stop beating yourself up...

Call me if you want to talk anytime, I will always be here for you.
Nancy

Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on October 15, 2010 at 5:41pm

Thanks to all of you - I won't try to mention all your names - you know who you are - ALL very special people to me! I've gotten a lot out of all that was said. All of your remarks & advise have truely touched me; how much each of you care about little ole me. We truly are a unique group of people. Some we've talked to or met, some just posted back & forth; but I truely feel I know all of you as long time friends. I am so thankful to God that I found this site. That feeling & this site are good things & a great gift from above. We were meant to meet here to learn to share & heal with each other. I know the rest of the month will be hard, but with God's help & all of you, I will make it & be OK. Yes, the time we lost our loved ones will always be a hard time to bear, but we will all get thru this with help from each other. God Bless all of you & Hugs, hugs are good. Have a great weekend! We deserve it!