At 44 it is so hard to look ahead and think of possibly how many years I have left to go on without my love. Together since 17, married at 19...thinking we had forever... a lot longer forever than we had. The dreams, the plans, the growing old together is all that ever mattered. Now it's like looking into the abyss and seeing nothing there.

 

Update August 12, 2010

I can't believe it has been just over a year since I shared these feelings of despair.  Although I am moving forward...I'm working on getting a degree so that I can create a financially stable environment for my family, I've since become a Grandma to a beautiful baby girl ~ Lilyanna Tommi, and my 13 year old, who was and still is so lost without his Dad, just turned 15 and is becoming a man before my eyes...I still can't shake these feelings. 

 

I know I'm doing what I have to do, most of the time I do everything subconsciously, almost like robotic autopilot.  I do what I have to do because I have no other choice.  I still see a long, lonely future ahead of me without Tom by my side.  All the unfinished dreams are probably the hardest things...we had so many plans for our future. 

 

I want my family to grow, move forward, and be happy.  And in a sense I guess we are...the happy part we are still trying to figure out, though.  Life is not always pretty, some days are harder than others, but I have to keep moving forward.  I don't want to be in this life, but I wasn't given a choice.  Like all of you, I was thrown into this journey totally unprepared.  I'm making my way in this new life, as a new person...my shell is tougher to crack now...I'm a little harsher than I used to be...I miss the old me, I miss the US we used to be.  LIke it or not the world keeps revolving, we just have to try and keep up.  I'm doing all I can to hang on tight, to honor Tom in all I do, and make him proud. 

I am still looking into the abyss, that hasn't changed, but somehow I've changed along the way.

Views: 133

Replies to This Discussion

This is something I can very much relate to. Kris & I were looking forward to a future together, especially one where she had no major pain and she could "be a real wife" (her words) to me. I have spent a good part of the last week trying to see things and seeing nothing but a black hole. I wish I had an answer. Then again, maybe if I did I wouldn't be in this position.
My heart aches for you. I'm older than you but I was married for 11-1/2 years when I lost my husband (26 mo's ago) all I could think of was how many years I have left with out him. I Prayed to die, I asked God why did you take him? He made people laugh, everyone loved my husband, why him. ... Then, 9 months later my youngest daughter was murdered by an X boy friend. So, now her death has been going on 17 months. I now just Pray for God to keep what family I have left,.. safe and I try to think of the Blessings I do have. Every day I miss my husband and my daughter. My granddaughter came to live with me and one of her Aunts. I'm either crying for my husband, my daughter, or the pain my 10 1/2 year old Granddaughter is going through, with the loss of her Mother. Sometimes, I take one of their colones and spray on one of their handkerchiefs and put under my pillow. You name it I've done it to try and ease the pain. I am now getting into genealogy and I found that my Grandmother to lost her husband after just 11 1/2 years of marriage, she had 3 young boys to care for. How ironic, I wonder does it run in Family s?
Georgia I wish I had the answer to your question. Now of course there are medical conditions that families can have a history of but it still does not take away from how terrible the situation can make you feel. I wi9sh I could go on but I don't know what to say.
None of this makes any sense. Georgia, you have gone through so much. Too much heartache for one person to have to deal with. My heart goes out to you.

It does seem that if you have been touched by some sort of loss another loss is not far to follow. Six weeks after Tom died our middle daughter found out she was going to have a baby. We thought this was our "Bittersweet Bright Spot of Hope", something to hang onto and move forward for, but the baby was not meant to be. So, here we go again with all the broken dreams of another precious future lost.

Sending thoughts of peace and comfort to everyone.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

www.memorialwebsites.legacy.com/bunzy
My husband died three years ago, and I can relate to the future without him looking very grim. He was only 53 when he suffered a heart attack. I miss him so much and all that he meant to me.

I remember soon after he died, I saw an older couple from our church go off to Arizona on vacation. I was happy for them, of course. But I felt a feeling of jealousy and discontent too, and shared my heart with a friend. I said, "I had always imagined John and I would grow old together. Now he's gone. I will never be able to go off to a place like Arizona with my husband." She said, "How do you know you will never get to go off on vacation with your husband? You don't know what your future holds." Her words stopped me in my tracks. No, I will never have John back. But her words reminded me that only God knows what He has in store for my future. And He is a giver of good gifts. I struggle constantly with forgetting that.

For me there was much comfort in my friend's words. I still hold onto them when I face all kinds of situations where I look ahead and, with human eyes, only see what could possibly go wrong. In this world there are many sorrows, so I don't expect my future to be all roses and sunshine, but I am seeking to trust the One who holds my future. That's the only thing I can do that gives me peace.
I know just what you mean, my honey and I had plans for the future. I lost him 17 months ago. but i know what now loss feels like too because my mother and best friend died last month from lung cancer that was not discovered until it was too late. It helps to journal, i have one that is notes/letters to Will; sometimes i tell him how angry i am at him, sometimes how much i miss him. Rereading my old journal showed me that i am in the same place in greiving my mother that i was 5 weeks after Will died. it also helps with the random thoughts like 'I can't wait to tell Will about this ' or "'Rescue Me' is on, i wonder if Mom is watching?"
Tom and I had 27 1/2 yrs together...we were married for almost 25 of those years. He left us 2 months and 9 days before our big 25th anniversary (a surprise party had been planned for us, but....). That was amazingly difficult. I use to tell him that my short term goal was 50 years of marriage and my long term goal was 75 years...we were supposed to be on the Smucker's jar with Willard Scott.

I know I was so blessed to have had all that time with him...creating our wonderful family and making memories everyday of our lives, but now those 25 years seem like nothing more than a blip. It all seems like it was nothing more than a blink of an eye...and it was all gone. It all went so fast. I feel everyday that I'm trying to collect as many memories and store them safely away cuz everything is slipping away so fast.

Just wishing I could hold on tight to every memory and not let one precious moment of our lives slip through the cracks.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
I read your post and understand what you said about your feelings and thoughts about facing the future. It is so lonely....and now I don't know how to go on as ME. Haven't ever thought of ME....always have put others first. Comforting to know someone else has some of the same feelings I am experiencing. God Bless you, Amy. Amy is my daughter's name, also.

Amy said:
My husband died three years ago, and I can relate to the future without him looking very grim. He was only 53 when he suffered a heart attack. I miss him so much and all that he meant to me.

I remember soon after he died, I saw an older couple from our church go off to Arizona on vacation. I was happy for them, of course. But I felt a feeling of jealousy and discontent too, and shared my heart with a friend. I said, "I had always imagined John and I would grow old together. Now he's gone. I will never be able to go off to a place like Arizona with my husband." She said, "How do you know you will never get to go off on vacation with your husband? You don't know what your future holds." Her words stopped me in my tracks. No, I will never have John back. But her words reminded me that only God knows what He has in store for my future. And He is a giver of good gifts. I struggle constantly with forgetting that.

For me there was much comfort in my friend's words. I still hold onto them when I face all kinds of situations where I look ahead and, with human eyes, only see what could possibly go wrong. In this world there are many sorrows, so I don't expect my future to be all roses and sunshine, but I am seeking to trust the One who holds my future. That's the only thing I can do that gives me peace.
So sorry for your loss. Like you, I thought a 25th anniversary was for sure doable, even though my husband was 14 years older than I. Instead at 44, I found myself alone not knowing how to go on, and frightened about some things I was trying to remember, or was wondering about that I never got a chance to ask him. Maybe actually seeing a few people here online that are dealing with similar losses can help me work things through.

Marlena said:
Tom and I had 27 1/2 yrs together...we were married for almost 25 of those years. He left us 2 months and 9 days before our big 25th anniversary (a surprise party had been planned for us, but....). That was amazingly difficult. I use to tell him that my short term goal was 50 years of marriage and my long term goal was 75 years...we were supposed to be on the Smucker's jar with Willard Scott.

I know I was so blessed to have had all that time with him...creating our wonderful family and making memories everyday of our lives, but now those 25 years seem like nothing more than a blip. It all seems like it was nothing more than a blink of an eye...and it was all gone. It all went so fast. I feel everyday that I'm trying to collect as many memories and store them safely away cuz everything is slipping away so fast.

Just wishing I could hold on tight to every memory and not let one precious moment of our lives slip through the cracks.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
Where it hurts for me is that tomorrow would have been our FIRST anniversary. We didn't even have a chance to make any real plans, even at our ages to plan our total future. I am so hurt and at such a loss. All I can do is cry.

Doreen Johnson said:
So sorry for your loss. Like you, I thought a 25th anniversary was for sure doable, even though my husband was 14 years older than I. Instead at 44, I found myself alone not knowing how to go on, and frightened about some things I was trying to remember, or was wondering about that I never got a chance to ask him. Maybe actually seeing a few people here online that are dealing with similar losses can help me work things through.

Marlena said:
Tom and I had 27 1/2 yrs together...we were married for almost 25 of those years. He left us 2 months and 9 days before our big 25th anniversary (a surprise party had been planned for us, but....). That was amazingly difficult. I use to tell him that my short term goal was 50 years of marriage and my long term goal was 75 years...we were supposed to be on the Smucker's jar with Willard Scott.

I know I was so blessed to have had all that time with him...creating our wonderful family and making memories everyday of our lives, but now those 25 years seem like nothing more than a blip. It all seems like it was nothing more than a blink of an eye...and it was all gone. It all went so fast. I feel everyday that I'm trying to collect as many memories and store them safely away cuz everything is slipping away so fast.

Just wishing I could hold on tight to every memory and not let one precious moment of our lives slip through the cracks.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
Steve,
I'm so sorry that you didn't get to your first anniversary. I'll be thinking of you today. Hold onto the memories you were able to create. I know how hard it was to go through our anniversary.
Be gentle with yourself today as you remember your Kris.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
Reading everyone's thoughts and stories makes me know that I'm not really alone in all of this although, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. So many of your thoughts are exactly what I am thinking and feeling.

In the beginning my mind was contantly on how soon I could be with Tom. I wanted nothing more than for it to be all over, not just for me, but for the kids, too (I didn't want them to suffer through the pain of losing another parent so, just easier if we all went together). We used to talk about how the end would be for all of us and we used to say that no matter what we were all going together, no one was going to be left behind to feel the pain and saddness...Tom had to go and mess that up by being first. I thought if the kids and I took a plane ride somewhere and it crashed I'd be ok with that...I know those were such selfish thoughts, but being here without Tom was/is just unbearable. I would never do anything to make that happen...I wasn't quite that desperate, but I didn't want to be left here without him either. I was just wishing it would happen. I don't have those thoughts as regularly as I did in the beginning so, I guess I can call that progress.

I also wondered why did Tom have to go when there are sooooo many horrible people in the world...why are the abusive husbands, murderers, rapists, robbers, etc... still around? That I still question because it makes no sense at all to me.

There are so many questions and issues with things around the house. He had so many projects in the works...things I now have to rely in his friends to fix. He's in the middle of putting together his 1930 Model A and he had just taken apart Nick's snowmobile. He was waiting for the part to fix it...well, I have the part now and no clue what to do with it. That's not even counting all the normal everyday things he fixed. He could fix anything with such confidence. I called him my cobjobber cuz he could fix anything...it might not have been pretty, but it always worked and saved tons of money not having to hire someone to fix things. I actually took apart the pool filter this past weekend and fixed it all by myself...yay!! Only had to make 2 trips to the pool store for guidance, but at least it's done...very proud of myself. I look at so many things that he would have just taken care of and now I just cry because it all seems so overwhelming.

I hate to see couples together...especially if they are our age and older. It's so disheartening to see them knowing that is what we were...only now unfinished. And to see younger couples...I just want to run up to them and tell them to hang on tight to what they have because they never know when the rug is going to be ripped out from underneath them. I look at young families and try to remember we were them once...I wonder how many people looked at us back then and envied us the way I envy them now.

I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to create a new me...everything I did was always for Tom and the kids. I built my world around Tom. Now, trying to be just me is so hard...I have no idea where I fit in this universe anymore.

I keep writing...here and Tom's website, plus a couple of other widow sites I have joined...I may not write much on them, but it does help to read other people's stories and comments. It helps to put things into perspective sometimes. I do have a journal also that I write in just for me and I am waiting for my 6 month mark before going back to read my old entries. Just passed the 5 month mark Sunday, August 16th. (Hey, our song is on the radio...Open Arms by Journey. He knows I'm writing about him...ok, I got sidetracked.) I know that I am not in quite the same desperate spot I was 5 months ago, but it still seems like it will never get easier and that life without my Tom is so hard to imagine...even though I am living it everyday.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

RSS

Latest Conversations

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2020   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service