At 44 it is so hard to look ahead and think of possibly how many years I have left to go on without my love. Together since 17, married at 19...thinking we had forever... a lot longer forever than we had. The dreams, the plans, the growing old together is all that ever mattered. Now it's like looking into the abyss and seeing nothing there.

 

Update August 12, 2010

I can't believe it has been just over a year since I shared these feelings of despair.  Although I am moving forward...I'm working on getting a degree so that I can create a financially stable environment for my family, I've since become a Grandma to a beautiful baby girl ~ Lilyanna Tommi, and my 13 year old, who was and still is so lost without his Dad, just turned 15 and is becoming a man before my eyes...I still can't shake these feelings. 

 

I know I'm doing what I have to do, most of the time I do everything subconsciously, almost like robotic autopilot.  I do what I have to do because I have no other choice.  I still see a long, lonely future ahead of me without Tom by my side.  All the unfinished dreams are probably the hardest things...we had so many plans for our future. 

 

I want my family to grow, move forward, and be happy.  And in a sense I guess we are...the happy part we are still trying to figure out, though.  Life is not always pretty, some days are harder than others, but I have to keep moving forward.  I don't want to be in this life, but I wasn't given a choice.  Like all of you, I was thrown into this journey totally unprepared.  I'm making my way in this new life, as a new person...my shell is tougher to crack now...I'm a little harsher than I used to be...I miss the old me, I miss the US we used to be.  LIke it or not the world keeps revolving, we just have to try and keep up.  I'm doing all I can to hang on tight, to honor Tom in all I do, and make him proud. 

I am still looking into the abyss, that hasn't changed, but somehow I've changed along the way.

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Replies to This Discussion

Marlena, my late deepest sympahty on your loss. I feel excatly what you feeling know for my future without my soulmate and can not see passed the abyss. My son was 11 when my Baby pas... just two weeks away from his 12 birthday. My daughter is daddy's little girl and she is more stronger than I am but also she is easier to crack when it cames keeping my Baby's memories alive.

I appreciate to hear how you, shall we say progressed since but it also just dawned to me we are here to do both jobs. I miss the US too so much that it takes me litterally days to do something. My tears are still there but it is bleeding more inside then outside know. I am lost in this ever revolving world!

I know I am already changing how I think, feel and see things, that is a bit scary as I am not sure if I see it to negative to survive. I hope my Baby Fernando will be proud of me along all the mistakes I am doing.

with lost of hugs
Marlena,It's good to hear from you.We are moving forward just not in the way we had planned to.I've given up on the happy part since the joy is no longer present.I'm trying to be the best I can be .That's all we can do for now.Congratulations on the new grandbaby!And good luck with your degree.
Fernandohulya,

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is such a devastating detour in all of our lives. I understand what you mean about the "bleeding more on the inside". The ache inside never goes away. I am progressing and in the beginning I never thought I would or could move forward in any way, but life has a way of pushing on whether we want it to or not.

It's amazing how strong and resilient our children can be. Thank God we were blessed with them, they have become my reason for getting up every morning.

I'm sure you are making your love proud of you everyday. He is smiling down on you knowing you are doing everything in your power to keep things together and take care of your children.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

Fernandohulya said:
Marlena, my late deepest sympahty on your loss. I feel excatly what you feeling know for my future without my soulmate and can not see passed the abyss. My son was 11 when my Baby pas... just two weeks away from his 12 birthday. My daughter is daddy's little girl and she is more stronger than I am but also she is easier to crack when it cames keeping my Baby's memories alive.

I appreciate to hear how you, shall we say progressed since but it also just dawned to me we are here to do both jobs. I miss the US too so much that it takes me litterally days to do something. My tears are still there but it is bleeding more inside then outside know. I am lost in this ever revolving world!

I know I am already changing how I think, feel and see things, that is a bit scary as I am not sure if I see it to negative to survive. I hope my Baby Fernando will be proud of me along all the mistakes I am doing.

with lost of hugs
Hi Kathy,

I am still here. I hardly have time to check in anymore because of classes, but I have a month off from school and loving the break.

When I sit back and think about all the accomplishments over the past 17 months I am really surprised that I can say I am moving forward. I never thought I would be able to say that. Life progresses and we just keep moving forward. I agree with you about the lack of joy. There is always this underlying heaviness in my chest from missing the happiness and joy that used to fill our lives. Doing the best we can is all we have.

Thank you for all the well wishes. Being a Grandma is amazing, still getting used to the "G" word, but loving our baby girl. One more year of school and then oh, boy, I have to grow up and be a big girl and go out into the big world...that is kind of scary.

Thanks for checking in...keep in touch.

Take care,

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
kathleen caylor said:
Marlena,It's good to hear from you.We are moving forward just not in the way we had planned to.I've given up on the happy part since the joy is no longer present.I'm trying to be the best I can be .That's all we can do for now.Congratulations on the new grandbaby!And good luck with your degree.
Oh, to be reunited...that is the goal. If only it would happen sooner than later. I am ready!

Leo said:
Truly, our life is like a mist... we are here now, but don't know what will happen tomorrow. Please keep in mind that Jehovah God does not want to see us weep or cry. The Bible assures: "When under trial, let no one say: 'I am being tried by God.' For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone" (James 1: 13). As a matter of fact, he does not only care, he gives us the only true hope for a better future. Imagine what it would be like to live in a Paradise here on Earth alongside our loved ones who have died. Well , that is what Jehovah has promised (Psalm 37: 10, 11; Revelation 21: 3, 4; John 5: 28, 29; Acts 24: 15). If you have a Bible (or access to an online Bible) please read the previously mentioned Biblical texts. They will give you comfort during this difficult moment.
Amen to that Malena to be reunited again. Sooner would be better that later. Hugs yo all.Hugs are good.
I sometimes feel that sooner would be better also, but I know that my wife would not like to hear that. I believe she is in Gods hands now and that I have more things to take care of here on earth.I have already had a few people ask me about dating or going out and have some contact with the opposite sex, but as far as I can tell it is not in any of my plans. As I read the postings here it seems that the ones that have lost thier spouses had great marriages and that no one would ever be able to take the lost ones place. My feelings exactly.

Randolph L. Schrader said:
Amen to that Malena to be reunited again. Sooner would be better that later. Hugs yo all.Hugs are good.
I don't ever think of moving on with another person, i never want go through this mess again and wouldn't wish it on another person, so i will just wait till it's my time to meet mike again, what a joyouse time that will be hugs to all

Jerry said:
I sometimes feel that sooner would be better also, but I know that my wife would not like to hear that. I believe she is in Gods hands now and that I have more things to take care of here on earth.I have already had a few people ask me about dating or going out and have some contact with the opposite sex, but as far as I can tell it is not in any of my plans. As I read the postings here it seems that the ones that have lost thier spouses had great marriages and that no one would ever be able to take the lost ones place. My feelings exactly.

Randolph L. Schrader said:
Amen to that Malena to be reunited again. Sooner would be better that later. Hugs yo all.Hugs are good.
Thats how I feel, what happened in the last 4 months of my wifes illness taught me a lot about love. I could never do what I did again, and would not want anyone to ever have to take care of me like that.

Virginia said:
I don't ever think of moving on with another person, i never want go through this mess again and wouldn't wish it on another person, so i will just wait till it's my time to meet mike again, what a joyouse time that will be hugs to all

Jerry said:
I sometimes feel that sooner would be better also, but I know that my wife would not like to hear that. I believe she is in Gods hands now and that I have more things to take care of here on earth.I have already had a few people ask me about dating or going out and have some contact with the opposite sex, but as far as I can tell it is not in any of my plans. As I read the postings here it seems that the ones that have lost thier spouses had great marriages and that no one would ever be able to take the lost ones place. My feelings exactly.

Randolph L. Schrader said:
Amen to that Malena to be reunited again. Sooner would be better that later. Hugs yo all.Hugs are good.
I went through the same thing Marlena. I lost my husband very suddenly and 2 months later my daughter announced she was having a baby. We thanked Brad for sending us a bright spot to love. Three days before Christmas, she lost the baby and we almost lost her too. Why things like this happen I don't know, but our lives are in God's hands, he has a plan for us. Guess he just gives these things to those he loves and knows will be strong with his help.
I hope things start looking better for you soon!
Hugs,
Barb

Marlena said:
None of this makes any sense. Georgia, you have gone through so much. Too much heartache for one person to have to deal with. My heart goes out to you.

It does seem that if you have been touched by some sort of loss another loss is not far to follow. Six weeks after Tom died our middle daughter found out she was going to have a baby. We thought this was our "Bittersweet Bright Spot of Hope", something to hang onto and move forward for, but the baby was not meant to be. So, here we go again with all the broken dreams of another precious future lost.

Sending thoughts of peace and comfort to everyone.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

www.memorialwebsites.legacy.com/bunzy
I think Tom would be very proud of you. Keep up the good work.
You are an inspiration to all of us.
Gaail
Barb,

I am sorry to hear about your daughter and her baby. I hope your daughter is doing well now. It amazes me how it always seems to be those that go through a devastating loss seem to have more losses to follow.

I've always heard that God never gives a person more than they can handle. I felt like he was giving me everything all at once. Not long before Tom, my cousin's husband and my uncle passed away then all of a sudden I had lost Tom, my middle daughter lost her first baby, my oldest daughter broke her ankle, and my cousin's (the one that lost her husband) daughter was in a terrible car accident, thankfully she is finally ok, but boy oh boy... things just kept flying at our family one after another. I hope things have finally slowed down...or even better, come to a complete halt. Before all of this I had never been through any trials, so being bombarded with everything all at once, it was hard to keep up.

The one thing I have learned though all of this is that I am way stronger than I ever thought I possibly could be or ever even wanted to be.

Thankfully things are more under control lately and I'm really hoping they stay that way. I hope things for you are going better, too. I know it all depends on the day.

Take care,
Marlena

Barb said:
I went through the same thing Marlena. I lost my husband very suddenly and 2 months later my daughter announced she was having a baby. We thanked Brad for sending us a bright spot to love. Three days before Christmas, she lost the baby and we almost lost her too. Why things like this happen I don't know, but our lives are in God's hands, he has a plan for us. Guess he just gives these things to those he loves and knows will be strong with his help.
I hope things start looking better for you soon!
Hugs,
Barb

Marlena said:
None of this makes any sense. Georgia, you have gone through so much. Too much heartache for one person to have to deal with. My heart goes out to you.

It does seem that if you have been touched by some sort of loss another loss is not far to follow. Six weeks after Tom died our middle daughter found out she was going to have a baby. We thought this was our "Bittersweet Bright Spot of Hope", something to hang onto and move forward for, but the baby was not meant to be. So, here we go again with all the broken dreams of another precious future lost.

Sending thoughts of peace and comfort to everyone.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

www.memorialwebsites.legacy.com/bunzy

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