Hello all..I'm new here.I'm so sorry for all your losses.I lost my husband sept.24 th..It will be 8 weeks tomorrow. I lost my father in 1994 and my sister in 1996 and as hard as that was, the loss of my husband is tearing my heart up and there are days I just wish I could be with him.Everything that was normal is gone and I don't feel like things will ever be normal again.I can be in a room full of people and yet feel so alone, because Randy isn't with me.I don't think I have went one day without crying. We thought he had a rotator cuff problem. He was a long distance truck driver. He came home and went to an orthopedic they ordered and mri we went back to get the results on august 6th and the doctor walked in and told us it was cancer.He had to go an get blood work and an xray done, than our family dr. wanted to see him in the afternoon. We went to see her along with many other family members.Our son told the doctor he needed to put his dad in the hospital because he hadn't been sleeping and the pain was horrible. SO she did..He was there for 5 days.We learned in those 5 days that the cancer was in both lungs, lymph nodes, bones and brain..How do you have cancer in so much of your body and the only sign you had was a sore shoulder..And they gave him 2 months to live..He came out of the hospital on oxygen and never came off of it..He asked me to marry him again and we did get to renew our vows..A few days later he was back in the hospital.He came home and 3 days later he was back in the hospital for the last time..He never came home again..WE got to renew our vows,he wanted to talk to each of our kids alone one on one and he did that. He had his 60th birthday and we had our 34th anniversary in those 7 short weeks we had left together..I feel like I am a lost soul now..I don't know how to go on with life. I get up and go through the motions of being alive, but I feel like I'm not ever going to live again..The holidays I'm absolutely dreading and refuse to celebrate them.I have went through all of our family vhs tapes and recorded them on dvd and I will give those to our children for christmas.Between us we have 10 children. I'm trying to avoid the stores and all their christmas music as much as possible.I will be on an airplane thanksgiving day to Florida to be with our daughter and my aunt.I'm still trying to figure something out for christmas..Any ideas?I'm sorry if I have been rambling.My husband was a man who took my 5 kids from the time they were babies and raised them like his own. He gave them a father when their real dad wanted no part of them.God Bless everyone and I hope you all the comfort we are all searching for..

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Cindy, my name is Cindy also. My husband a celebrity commedian here is Las vegas went in for lower back pain and it turned out to be prostate cancer, that had spread to bones, lungs, ect. - I feel your pain ! I can't bare to look at a Christmas tree or hear any music, let alone go to any parties that he and I were invited to !!!!! I just want to be with him ! I know its wrong, but I find myself hoping I do not have a long life so I can be with him again. Cindy, we WILL se our loved ones again. And they will be the first one to meet us in Heaven, that's a Promise of the Bible. But Its so hard to want to go on ! I will pray for us for strength to get through the holidays. Hugs. Cindy

Thank you Cindy and Kris for your comments..They definetly help. Cindy, when did you lose your husband? My husband talked to me the day before he passed.( I can't use the word die when it comes to him)But he told me he knows I'm going to be sad. He said grieve and than go on with life. He said please don't live the way your mom lived, I want you to go on living and not be alone.My dad died in 1994 and my mom hasn't had friends or even want anything to do with anyone else since.The only person she wants to do things with is me. SHe has lived with us for quite a few years and now she isn't working anymore and I'm finding since she doesn't go to work now she is always in my face she listens to my phone conversations than questions me about them.I need alone time and I just can't get it.As soon as she hears I'm up she is in my face. I have to bite my tonuge so I don't yell at her. But what I find myself doing is thinking if it was me that passed where would Randy be at now in his life. The majority of our married life he was in a country band and after he couldn't be because of his job he would go out and listen to them when he could..So I tell myself well he would be out listening to the band. I have seemed to come to a point where I don't really want to do anything. Nothing really even sounds like fun. Don't get me wrong I do force myself to do things, but it isn't in my heart. I just go through the motions.My mind can't get away from the hospital and how fast he went down. He never spent a night in the hospital alone one of our kids always stayed the night with him and I would stay all day with him.His daughter called me on sunday morning sept.23rd. at 5:30 am and said Cindy I think you should come up. Dad has been talking strange all night and telling me why are you trying to kill me and he keeps asking for you..So I went right up and I sat beside him on the bed and he looked at me and said, "you are the only one I trust." I said Randy," everyone here loves you and they all want to help you."He loooked at me and shook his head no..We all knew that his time was short here. So we all stayed at the hospital for the remainder of the time. I slept on the bed that was beside him that night.(The hospital blocked his room so no other patient would be put in the other bed.They did that from day one for us, because he had been there twice before and they knew the people that was there for him all the time.)In the morning of the 24th he was coughing quite a bit more and I asked him if he wasnted a breathing treatment because they would help his cough and he said yes, so they gave him one, but it didn't seem to help much.Than off and on he would lean forward and say "help me."I would say we are trying to help you we are doing all we can do..He was on hospice and had a dnr.So we all gathered around him and told him it was ok to go, go be with your mom and dad and brother. But he fought it.He just wouldn't relax.Our son had written a song for him when he was diagnosed and he had it on his phone so he played it and Randy relaxed. Than after the song ended he started getting restless again. Someone said play another song. So our son played "Don't close your eyes." Randy always played and sang that song when he was out.Our one son said I can't watch this."He is a firefighter/paramedic." I put my head down and cried through it all..When the song was over I looked up and our son the paramedic was standing across from me so he was the person I saw when I opened my eyes and he just nodded his head to let me know his dad had passed. So now I don't ever want to hear that song again.I have been taking our vhs tapes and putting them on dv's for the kids. I can watch it and hear his voice and that wasn't bothering me to much in fact it kind of comforted me.But there is one with him out with the band and he played lead guitar and sang.I cry like a baby everytime I see that one..Cindy, it made me feel good for you to say we will see our loved lones again. While that is what I believe, I also have that thought but what if we don't? And I know how you feel about wanting to be with him, I feel the same way.OI walk through the store now with tunnel vision and work at not hearing the christmas songs.I called my doctors office the other day and when I was talking to the receptionist I started crying as soon as hse asked me how I was doing..I said how long does this pain last. She said Cindy it is going to be a year. You have to go through all the first..It does get better I promise you. So Kris you are right. My ex-husband died a year ago and I was talking to his wife. They lived in another state and she said I had a man move in with me 5 months after Dale died and I don't care what anyone thinks. That is fine for her if that is the way she deals with it. But I can't even imagine that. I wouldn't want ot burden anyone with my grief and I don't think I could even care about someone else.Well I guess I better get going. But thank you for the nice comments and I will keep you in my prayers and I'll be thinking of you through these dreaded holidays.Have a good day..

Cindy

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain you are feeling. I lost my Rose in September of 2010. She had a premonition the night before because she asked to move rooms to be closer to the nurses station. The pain does get easier to deal with but in my experience never goes away. I cry every day (like right now). I do have a new lady in my life who is wonderful but she can not replace my Rose and she understands that. The pain of losing the love of your life far exceeds the pain of losing parents. About the only pain I can imagine being worse is loosing a child. Don't be afraid to be assertive with your mother.She is trying to live through you. It is OK to ask for time for yourself. She probably believes that since you are both widows that you will now be her companion. You need to take care of yourself and if that means telling your mother to back off that is what you have to do. You don't have to be mean but it is OK to say you want to be alone for a while and then go into a room and shut the door. Take care of yourself and enjoy your children.



Chicago Beard said:

Cindy

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain you are feeling. I lost my Rose in September of 2010. She had a premonition the night before because she asked to move rooms to be closer to the nurses station. The pain does get easier to deal with but in my experience never goes away. I cry every day (like right now). I do have a new lady in my life who is wonderful but she can not replace my Rose and she understands that. The pain of losing the love of your life far exceeds the pain of losing parents. About the only pain I can imagine being worse is loosing a child. Don't be afraid to be assertive with your mother.She is trying to live through you. It is OK to ask for time for yourself. She probably believes that since you are both widows that you will now be her companion. You need to take care of yourself and if that means telling your mother to back off that is what you have to do. You don't have to be mean but it is OK to say you want to be alone for a while and then go into a room and shut the door. Take care of yourself and enjoy your children.

I am so sorry for the loss of Rose..I think they do have a premonition..Although my husband just never wanted to be left alone.I remember a time his aunt and uncle went up to see him and I went out to eat lunch with other family memebers while they were visiting, because I wanted to let everyone have their one on one time with him. so they could talk and say things that could be kept between them alone.I was on the elevator to go back to his room and I got a text from him"where are you" I didn't even reply to it because I knew I would be in his room in a minute or two.When I stepped off of the elevator to go to his room his aunt and uncle were standing there wait for the elevator. That is how fast he text me. Kind of sad knowing hew was so fearful.But he always said I'm not afraid of where I"m going I'm just afraid of the journey to get me there..I like you..In time I may be able to care for someone else but they will never have my heart the way Randy did..I'll never have those feelings again and I know that..My son lost his wife in 2002 and he has been with this woman for probably 9 years now, but he won't take his pictures of his wife down and their wedding pictures..I tried to tell his girlfriend he will take them down when he is ready you can't force the issue..Of course I told her that before I lost my husband.But now I really get it!!As far as my mother goes I try to keep my mouth shut but it us getting harder.I just feel like she has put so much on me through the years by making me her entire life and I resent it. We always asked her to go places with us because we felt bad for her.But she doesn't attempt to make a life for herself.So I'm either going to have to talk to her or go to counseling myself.I guess I'm just kind of trying to rush this grieving thing through and I know you can't do that, butI just want to quit hurting and feeling like this. I get tired of people telling me because my husband was an over the road truck driver people say, "you wasn't use to him being home everyday anyhow." How stupid is that? I at least could call him and talk to him and I knew he would eventually be home now I know he will never be home again..I'm happy you was able to move on it does give me hope that in time I will be able to move on also..Even though a part of be died when he passed on.And I know that part will never be the same again.Have a good day..Thank you so much for the nice reply I appreciate it very much..
 
cindy j cox said:



Chicago Beard said:

Cindy

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain you are feeling. I lost my Rose in September of 2010. She had a premonition the night before because she asked to move rooms to be closer to the nurses station. The pain does get easier to deal with but in my experience never goes away. I cry every day (like right now). I do have a new lady in my life who is wonderful but she can not replace my Rose and she understands that. The pain of losing the love of your life far exceeds the pain of losing parents. About the only pain I can imagine being worse is loosing a child. Don't be afraid to be assertive with your mother.She is trying to live through you. It is OK to ask for time for yourself. She probably believes that since you are both widows that you will now be her companion. You need to take care of yourself and if that means telling your mother to back off that is what you have to do. You don't have to be mean but it is OK to say you want to be alone for a while and then go into a room and shut the door. Take care of yourself and enjoy your children.

Dear Cindy, I too am sorry for your loss! I choose to say, the day The Lord came for my husband, or the day my husband went home to Heaven, as opposed to saying passed or died. I refuse to say that, because his Spirit is very much alive with Jesus, rejoicing in Heaven!

Nonetheless, I am suffering, been almost 7 months, been with him more than 1/2 my life, and I am only 48 years old. The tears do not stop....at least haven't yet. I cry most of the day, because of my deep love I have for my husband. I am totally in love with him, and I deeply miss him, and that hurts! Alot!

My Faith is the only thing getting me through. I stay in constant Prayer. I am just soooo very lonely, but choose to trust God in His plan here.

I dread the holidays. We have no children, and I feel as if I no longer belong in this world. That is where my Faith comes in, because I just know Father does have a plan for me, a purpose, that I pray I will see someday, when this fog lifts. Otherwise, He would have taken me with my love! As He is in control of all things!

That being said, I take it one day, often one moment at a time! I try to stay in constant communication with My God! And I choose to trust. As much as it hurts, as difficult as tgis is, I have no other choice. I do believe He loves me, and will get me through this. I too, go through the motions, and like you, my heart just isn't in it. I suppose most of us on this site, do this, as a coping mechanism. We my dear, are in survival mode! We are hurt, fragile, shattered, and beaten down. We feel isolated in the world, but trust me, there is comfort from above! Praise The Lord!

I pray this may have helped some, even one word, if it brings comfort to your soul, peace into your life, then, this makes it worthwile!

Please do know, God loves you, and He loves me! And He is there, just waiting to help! To take this for us!

Sending hugs, Prayers, and love your way!

Thank you Jacky for taking the time to reply. Yes your words do help.I wake up in the morning,and I say another day, another day of tears and pain. Why? I like you I talk to God,I admit I don't do it all day and I still find myself angry, I think it is at God but I know it is just the situation I'm angry at. When my husband got sick, he was talking to our minister and he said to the minister, "Why did God do this to me?" And our minister said, "Randy, God didn't do this to you, you are the one who chose to smoke those ciggarettes."Which he is absolutely right. I like you believe I'm here for a reason adn God has plans for me, but I wish I could just get through this period so I can start living again, because I'm not living now, I'm existing.But I don't feel like I want to live.I'm flying to florida on Thanksgiving and I'm not even looking forward to that.I'm just goimng to be in another state, but I can't leave what I'm going through at home. Hopefully it will be a little start forward.I'm so sorry for your loss.Was your husband ill? When you stop and think about how long we was with our husbands it makes sense how bad we are hurting..They are who we knew and was with for like you said, over half our life.I know we will all get through this journey, it is just a long hard journey. I know from the day we was told my husband had cancer he would always say,"I'm not afraid where I'm going, I know where I'm going, I'm afraid of the joiurney to get there."His journey is complete, now I'm on my journey to get to wherever the Lord has planned for me. It to is scary.Well I better get going. Again thank you for replying.Hope you have a good day.Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!Hugs and love back to you!!

Its been a little over a year that my sweet Little Wife was called home, it doesn't get any easier at least for me it doesn't. We were married for 31 yrs, I have a  tendacy to do things alone I don't want to rain on anyones happiness, so I basically keep to myself. I have found that I was always looking into our future, the plans we had made of what were going to do in our "golden years" It always came back the same way WHAT FUTURE, when she left hers/mine future went with her! So I started thinking of our years we had together,the good times and how much we enjoyed just being together. I have also stopped trying to make things happen. In my eyes there never can be another that could even come close to taking her place. Although it was one her wishes that I re-marry. I was honest with her and told her that I don't think that will happen, that she has everything I have and it wouldn't be fair to another lady, to have a sherade of love when in all honesty there couldn't be another love in my life, that she has all. Since shes been gone I've lost 83lbs not that I'm trying to lose weight, its just happening.  It won't get easier for me I will have to learn to live with our loss until we are united again in heaven, I have to believe that we will be together again this time for all eternity!!

John I'm so sorry for your loss. I find myself wanting to be alone,not all the time but sometimes. I know if I'm driving and I'm by myself, I usual start to cry. If I'm dealing with anything pretaining to my husband if I'm out in public or at home I cry.I was at the bank today to close his account and I started crying.I hate it, but I can't stop the tears. I know what you are saying about the future. Its hard to think into the future knowing our loved ones aren't going to be there.Just like your wife my husband also told me he wants me to have someone else in my life, But like you at least now, it wouldn't be fair to someone else. My heart is with my husband. But my daughter's neighbor lost her husband when her daughter was a baby and she ended up remarrying, she said she loves her husband but her husband that passed was her true love and she will never feel that love again with another person.Her husband died years ago and she said she still has times that she cries for him and that is even after she has remarried.So I don't think this world of grief ever ends, but in a way that is good if you think about it. We are one of the lucky ones, we had a once in a lifetime love and soul mate. It hurts like heck to have lost them but I wouldn't of wanted to miss one day that I had with my husband to avoid this pain.I wish he was still with me, but he isn't and I'm going to have to figure out a way to go on until like you, "we unite again in Heaven."Good luck to you...

CindyCox, I am so very sorry for your loss. I just found your post. I lost my Don on June26, closing in on 5 months. It is still unbelievable and unbearable pain. I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, just try to keep going on, one step at a time. Like you, Don & I had a blended family, 6 sons in our case, 3 his and 3 mine. They are in their 40's now, but have been together as brothers since they were very young. I also thanked God many times for giving my sons a REAL dad. I can't bear the thought of the holidays, whatever we do, will be very low-key, I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in January, I guess that's selfish. I wish and hope that you can find some peace in your heart, its a long, sad and lonely journey, I have found, no matter how many loving people we have in our lives. Nobody understands like the people here in this group...we understand too well. God bless you.

Jan, I'm so sorry for your loss.I guess I wish I could go to sleep and sleep through the holidays also and as far as feeling that is selfish, I think we have earned the right to be selfish at this time. I don;t know what Christmas day has to hold for me, I just might spend the day in bed, may not have a choice when it comes right down to it.At least I wouldn't be ruining others day.I was at my neighbors for a few hours last night and talked to her and she helped me alot. She is very religious and she told me and showed me that one day I would be with Randy again and I always believed that but when you are going through times like this you still wonder will that really happen, because I really need to know that it will.Like I had said I will be on a plane Thanksgiving so that is one holiday dealt with..Although he wasn't typically home that day he was usually on the road, but we at least talked.Well thank you Jan for the response all are appreciated..You have a great day and I will add you to my prayers.

CindyC., thanks for your response. I wanted to say I so understand your situation with your mother...my father, 93, lives across the street from me. We lost my mom 16 months ago, July 2011. She was my best friend, besides Don. My father is a very difficult man, putting it mildly. Since mom has been gone, and he doesn't have her to control and dominate, he's trying to control the rest of us, mostly me, since I lost Don. I can't go into the whole long sad story without sounding like a horrible un-caring daughter, please believe that is not the case. He has been the way he is since my earliest memories, just gotten worse with age. He is in full control of his mental abilities. All I can do is keep praying for better times, and some lessening of my pain & grief, but I don't see that happening.

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