Where do I begin

My name is Gail. On May 8, 2010 I lost my sole mate to a very rare cancer that took him in three months. I have two step daughters with lives of there own several states away. I must say that they visited as often as they could and we were in constant telephone communication.

The weekends are so difficult. I have friends who want to do lunch, but they are all married and again have their own lives. I live in Pa. with no family.

I went to my first grief meeting which was helpful. Fortunately I have my dog who is by my side all the time, but my social life is at the dog park.

I think I am doing o.k. I realize that Bob's illness was so sudden I know he was in no pain., but How do I go on. Since we had no-one in Pa we seemed to just do things together, therefore did not really bond with many people here.

I am no longer working, and am unable to find work. I know most of you say you have your faith, but right now I am just mad at God.. Any suggestions?

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Permalink Reply by Connie on August 15, 2010 at 5:35pm

Gail, Please accept my sincere sympathy on your loss. I am sometimes mad at God for taking my husband. Sometimes I am mad at my husband for leaving me. Sometimes I am mad at everyone because it seems as though everyone has someone and I am left without the only man I ever loved in my life. Although I do believe in God and have my faith in God, I still find myself angry and I am not sure that it is actually anger but I think it is intense grief.

I find myself resenting couples as they walk through the stores or wherever because I cannot do that with my husband anymore. I find myself just waiting for the day that I am reunited with him. That is the day that I will find happiness again.

Gail, I don't know where in PA you are but my husband and I grew up in northeastern PA and moved to New Jersey when we married. People in PA are really quite friendly and I am sure that you will be able to find friends there. I wish you the very best in that regard.

Keep your faith Gail and I will remember you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on August 15, 2010 at 5:39pm

Gail, I know how you feel. I lost my Kevin 10/29/08, and it still hurts like hell, and like it was yesterday. And, yes I still feel mad at God for not making him well and giving us more time. I know that's not right, and I still pray and believe in God, but I guess I am still angry at him. Not a good thing. I promised Kevin I'd be allright (after they took off respirator - he could see us but couldn't communicate except for his eyes - he looked all around & looked angry once when I'd left room until his brother told him I'd be right back) I feel like I lied to him, cause I'm still not allright, although it is getting better) You are very early in the grieving and it will get better, you will eventually have more good days, but I really think the hurt & pain may always be with us. I do work, although I lost my job (company went bankrupt) 3 mos after I lost him; found work 4 mos later at $4 less an hour, but at least I now have benefits. Hard to find work at 62. Hang in there Gail, and believe, as I do that you will always have him and your memories in your heart. Aren't dogs wonderful! I have 4 Bassets and they indeed keep me sane!! Send me a note anytime and I'll respond!

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 15, 2010 at 6:26pm

Leo, I think what I should have said is that I am angy with God for taking my husband as well as my husband for leaving me as well. Being alone without family is my biggest problem. I lost my son at age 40 after a long illness as well.

Leo said:

After being with someone and loving them for such a long time it is hard to move on with life without them. That I do understand. I have a question though...Why are you mad at God (if you don't mind me asking)? Do you think He took your husband?

Permalink Reply by Mary on August 15, 2010 at 9:33pm

Hi Gail,

I am so sorry for the loss of you husband. You will find a lot of people here that will help you through this. I lost my husband 6 months ago. He was my best friend and soulmate. He was diagnosed with cancer last July, and after the treatment was done at the end of the year, the cancer was gone. We expected him to get better, but 5 weeks later he was gone. It was probably from the radiation to his chest. He was unable to breath from the scaring in his lungs. I often feel like I am doing better then a lot of others here on this site. I still have bad days, can cry over the littlest things and at the drop of a hat. We were married 24 years, and our 25 wedding anniversay would have been last Tuesday.

I have never been angry at my husband for dying. He didn't want to die. He was a good man and loved me like no one else could. I can not be angry at God. He gave me this wonderful man. Jim loved God and knew his bible. I feel very close to him when I am in church. He could really sing bass, and I can, still, almost hear him at times. It is very comforting.

I pray for you and others on this site, that you can find peace and comfort. Remember the good times. It will get easier, tho' the missing probably will never go away. Hugs to you

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 16, 2010 at 10:25am

Thank you Mary.
I think the newness of the whole situation is what is getting to me. Bob was diagnosed in Feb. and here I am writing today.
I am dreading our aniversary date of August 26. I would have been twenty one years. I guess I will have to make some sort of plans for that date.
To complicate matters more, We had a creamation but no burial because I wanted us to be buried together and I will probably move away from Pa.
As I am writing I just had the thaught of a burial at Fort Indiantown Gap Military here in Pa.on that date. I can be buried there also.
Thank you for your thaughts and kindness, and I know this site will be very helpful to all of us.
I hope that life will get easier for you also.
Gail

Mary said:

Hi Gail,

I am so sorry for the loss of you husband. You will find a lot of people here that will help you through this. I lost my husband 6 months ago. He was my best friend and soulmate. He was diagnosed with cancer last July, and after the treatment was done at the end of the year, the cancer was gone. We expected him to get better, but 5 weeks later he was gone. It was probably from the radiation to his chest. He was unable to breath from the scaring in his lungs. I often feel like I am doing better then a lot of others here on this site. I still have bad days, can cry over the littlest things and at the drop of a hat. We were married 24 years, and our 25 wedding anniversay would have been last Tuesday.

I have never been angry at my husband for dying. He didn't want to die. He was a good man and loved me like no one else could. I can not be angry at God. He gave me this wonderful man. Jim loved God and knew his bible. I feel very close to him when I am in church. He could really sing bass, and I can, still, almost hear him at times. It is very comforting.

I pray for you and others on this site, that you can find peace and comfort. Remember the good times. It will get easier, tho' the missing probably will never go away. Hugs to you

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 16, 2010 at 10:31am

Thank you Connie for your kind message

I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment about resenting couples and the quietness of the telephone in the evenings and weekends.

I have just decided to get to some support groups.

My husband was creamated but not buried and I have decide to have a burial at Fort Indiantown Gap on our anniversary. I decided this when I was replying to Marys comments.

Thank you all for you kind messages.
Gail

Connie said:

Gail, Please accept my sincere sympathy on your loss. I am sometimes mad at God for taking my husband. Sometimes I am mad at my husband for leaving me. Sometimes I am mad at everyone because it seems as though everyone has someone and I am left without the only man I ever loved in my life. Although I do believe in God and have my faith in God, I still find myself angry and I am not sure that it is actually anger but I think it is intense grief.

I find myself resenting couples as they walk through the stores or wherever because I cannot do that with my husband anymore. I find myself just waiting for the day that I am reunited with him. That is the day that I will find happiness again.

Gail, I don't know where in PA you are but my husband and I grew up in northeastern PA and moved to New Jersey when we married. People in PA are really quite friendly and I am sure that you will be able to find friends there. I wish you the very best in that regard.

Keep your faith Gail and I will remember you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 16, 2010 at 10:46am

Dear Linda,
Thank you for your kind words. I am thankful that Bob passes when he did because he had two strokes on his last two days. I cannot imagine the gried that you endured with turning off life support.
In speaking to all of you I have mad a big decision. My husband was creamated and his ashes are hear with me in my small apartment. I have decided to have a burial at Fort Indiantown Gap in Pa on our anniversary which is August. 26. I think I will feel better then. I do plan on moving out of the Pa area at some point but we can both be buried there.

Regarding our pet Beau, I have had him trained to be a therapy dog, whiuch my husband had thaught of doing, and we are planing on going to Ronald MacDonald house very soon. I think this was a good move and Beau seams to enjoy visiting the nursing homes.
I have one advantage over your dogs. Beau does not bark. He is a rescue about 5 and is a boxer-whippet mix if you can picture that.
Thank you for your kind regards and lets keep in touch
Gail

Linda O said:

Gail, I know how you feel. I lost my Kevin 10/29/08, and it still hurts like hell, and like it was yesterday. And, yes I still feel mad at God for not making him well and giving us more time. I know that's not right, and I still pray and believe in God, but I guess I am still angry at him. Not a good thing. I promised Kevin I'd be allright (after they took off respirator - he could see us but couldn't communicate except for his eyes - he looked all around & looked angry once when I'd left room until his brother told him I'd be right back) I feel like I lied to him, cause I'm still not allright, although it is getting better) You are very early in the grieving and it will get better, you will eventually have more good days, but I really think the hurt & pain may always be with us. I do work, although I lost my job (company went bankrupt) 3 mos after I lost him; found work 4 mos later at $4 less an hour, but at least I now have benefits. Hard to find work at 62. Hang in there Gail, and believe, as I do that you will always have him and your memories in your heart. Aren't dogs wonderful! I have 4 Bassets and they indeed keep me sane!! Send me a note anytime and I'll respond!

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on August 16, 2010 at 10:47am

GAIL: FIRST OF ALL I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS I LIKE CONNIE AND OTHERS GET VERY ANGRY AT GOD I BLAME HIM FOR MY LOSS. I KNOW HE IS NOT BUT I HAVE TO LATCH OUT AT SOMEONE I YELL AT MY HUSBAND AND QUESTION OVER AND OVER AS TO WHY DID HE LEAVE ME. I ALSO HAVE FAMILY I HAVE 2 SONS WITH CHILDREN I DO NOT WANT TO BURDEN THEM ON HOW I REALLY FEEL. I PUT ON A HAPPY FACE BUT WHEN I GO HOME AND BE ALONE IT IS A DIFFERENT STORY,. GAIL THE OTHER THING I CAN TELL YOU IS STAY ON WEBSITE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING THRU WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT NOW I LOST GEORGE 3/1/09 AND BELEIVE ME I AM STILL ANGRY STILL CRY AND YELL I WENT TO SEE A COUNSLOR SHE HELPED ME IN THE BEGINING UNTIL I FOUND THIS WEBSITE I LEFT THIS SITE AT LEAST 2 TIMES BECAUSE I FELT I COULD HANDLE MY GRIEVING MYSELF BUT I COULD NOT SO I RETURNED AND FOUND MANY FRIENDS THAT ARE GOING THRU TOUGH TIMES SO OTHERS THEN ME GEORGE DID NOT SUFFER HE HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK BUT I CAN SAY ONE THING I GOT TO TELL HIM I LOVED HIM AND HIM TELL ME HE LOVED ME THAN WITHIN 1 HOUR HE WAS GONE. AGAIN MY SYMPATHY ON YOUR LOSS.

Permalink Reply by bc on August 16, 2010 at 4:25pm

Hi Gail, welcome to the site, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, you are at the right place. I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpected 1 yr and 10 days ago. We were best friends, soul mates and spent 24/7 together. That day was the only day I didn't go to the store with him. He left the driveway and 30 seconds later suffered cardiac arrest and was gone instantly. I wish I had another chance to hug him before he drove off, all he did was smile and wink and said "I'll be home in a few minutes". How true, he was "home" in a few minutes. I miss him terribly and still cry and am lonely, but this site is the best thing I could have ever found. You will make so many new friends who understand exactly what you are going through and they are always here for you, no matter what.
I also joined a local Grief Support group near my home which meets once a month. It will be a hard journey, I'm not going to lie to you, the pain of a broken heart will last forever, but it somehow gets a little easier to live with. On the anniversary of Brad's passing, Aug 5th, something happened, I don't know what, but from that day on, I've been trying, really trying to be positive. I look at it this way: Brad was my rock, he taught me to be strong, he taught me how to do just about anything to survive, most of all he gave me a wonderful life full of love. The least I can do for him to make him happy is to be strong, be positive and live the way he wants me to. He never liked to see me cry, he would always cheer me up, so now when I have a "meltdown" I talk to him and he is helping me. I will never be the same person again because part of me left that day also, but the part of me that is left will make him proud so when we meet in heaven someday, he will hug me and tell me so. Chin up, if you ever want to vent, cry, talk, whatever, I'm here for you. My email is bchamberlain@wi.rr.com, my cell is: 414-852-3422. I live in Wisconsin so I'm on CST. Hang in there, Hugs to you!
Barb

Permalink Reply by bc on August 16, 2010 at 4:25pm

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 16, 2010 at 7:21pm

gail,
i am so sorry for your loss. i know how difficult it can be . i lost my spouse on feb 26th 2010 . also lost him to cancer within three months of diagnoisis.i also can relate to the lonely weekends. that is when my husband and i had our quality time.i used to live in pa. back in the 60s and 70s. i lived near valley forge. then moved to texas in 1980. i am finding the loneliness is what really gets to me the most. my husband and i did everything together he was my best friend.i never really felt like i needed anyone else. but i didnt ever expect him to die i guess.now i feel so lost and lonely . i can also relate to connie, because i feel so jealous when i see all these happy couples that seem to pop up everywhere.i never even noticed them before and now that my husband is gone i see them everywhere.i miss my husband so very much. i feel like my chest is going to explode with the pain i feel.i dont know why God couldnt have taken me instead of my husband.he could have coped with this lonely life alot better than me.i hope that you will find this website helpful and may GOD BLESS YOU.

Permalink Reply by Harriet Thiela on August 17, 2010 at 12:47pm

Dear Gail,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost Ron on June 9,2010 to Prostate Cancer and Congestive heart failure. He'd been diagnosed with Cancer two years ago, and did well until Memorial Day weekend, when he became ill and was put on the hospice floor to be stabilized and sent home. It was determined that he would have to stay in the hospital, and he just gave up and passed away three weeks later, leaving me feeling guilty for not being able to continue to take care of him at home any longer.
We celebrated our 39th anniv. on the hospice unit, and he passed away three days later. I had been through a lot of the grieving before he died, and the pain is still with me. However, am thankful that he is probably able to eat now, in heaven, the nephrostomy tubes are probably out and his kidneys are
now working properly, and his breathing is now normal. Even though he's not with me now, I still love him, and want him to be okay. " I'm not crying for him anymore, I'm crying for ME".
I hear that this grief will subside, although it's hard to believe when we are in the throws of it. Please just hang in and go on, because things will improve for you, as they will for all of us.
I read that losing a spouse is the most difficult transition, and I do believe it is. Take care, Harriet

CINDY POWELL said:

gail,
i am so sorry for your loss. i know how difficult it can be . i lost my spouse on feb 26th 2010 . also lost him to cancer within three months of diagnoisis.i also can relate to the lonely weekends. that is when my husband and i had our quality time.i used to live in pa. back in the 60s and 70s. i lived near valley forge. then moved to texas in 1980. i am finding the loneliness is what really gets to me the most. my husband and i did everything together he was my best friend.i never really felt like i needed anyone else. but i didnt ever expect him to die i guess.now i feel so lost and lonely . i can also relate to connie, because i feel so jealous when i see all these happy couples that seem to pop up everywhere.i never even noticed them before and now that my husband is gone i see them everywhere.i miss my husband so very much. i feel like my chest is going to explode with the pain i feel.i dont know why God couldnt have taken me instead of my husband.he could have coped with this lonely life alot better than me.i hope that you will find this website helpful and may GOD BLESS YOU.