Where do I begin

My name is Gail. On May 8, 2010 I lost my sole mate to a very rare cancer that took him in three months. I have two step daughters with lives of there own several states away. I must say that they visited as often as they could and we were in constant telephone communication.

The weekends are so difficult. I have friends who want to do lunch, but they are all married and again have their own lives. I live in Pa. with no family.

I went to my first grief meeting which was helpful. Fortunately I have my dog who is by my side all the time, but my social life is at the dog park.

I think I am doing o.k. I realize that Bob's illness was so sudden I know he was in no pain., but How do I go on. Since we had no-one in Pa we seemed to just do things together, therefore did not really bond with many people here.

I am no longer working, and am unable to find work. I know most of you say you have your faith, but right now I am just mad at God.. Any suggestions?

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Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 17, 2010 at 1:39pm

Hi to all, I am so sorry for our losses. Harriet, you said it good that you arent crying for him anymore, you are crying for "you". That is exactly what I cry now for, me. You know they are okay now. That everything works and they are not suffering. But wow, we are the ones left behind to stumble around and trying to find some way to cope. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 17, 2010 at 3:21pm

Hello Barb,
Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for your loss. You have a very good outlook. I hope that I can look at things in the same way in the future.
This week, I have made some decisions that I think will help me. Bob was creamated but has been sitting on my mantel since June. I know that I need to have his burial to get some closure.
Our twentyfirst anniversar is on the twenty sixth, and I plan on a burial in a military cemetary in Pa. It is beautiful there and I think he will be happy there.
I knew that I would not remain in Pa. since I have no-one here so that was my thinking. I wanted us to be buried together. I just did not think of the military burial at that time. We will be buried together when the time comes.
It will be a difficult day since my stepdaughters will be unable to attend.
I just found out that the youngest girl age 42 has had a reoccurance of her breast cancer, and starts chemo today.
I thank you and all of the kind members of this group for your support .

GailBarb said:

Hi Gail, welcome to the site, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, you are at the right place. I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpected 1 yr and 10 days ago. We were best friends, soul mates and spent 24/7 together. That day was the only day I didn't go to the store with him. He left the driveway and 30 seconds later suffered cardiac arrest and was gone instantly. I wish I had another chance to hug him before he drove off, all he did was smile and wink and said "I'll be home in a few minutes". How true, he was "home" in a few minutes. I miss him terribly and still cry and am lonely, but this site is the best thing I could have ever found. You will make so many new friends who understand exactly what you are going through and they are always here for you, no matter what.
I also joined a local Grief Support group near my home which meets once a month. It will be a hard journey, I'm not going to lie to you, the pain of a broken heart will last forever, but it somehow gets a little easier to live with. On the anniversary of Brad's passing, Aug 5th, something happened, I don't know what, but from that day on, I've been trying, really trying to be positive. I look at it this way: Brad was my rock, he taught me to be strong, he taught me how to do just about anything to survive, most of all he gave me a wonderful life full of love. The least I can do for him to make him happy is to be strong, be positive and live the way he wants me to. He never liked to see me cry, he would always cheer me up, so now when I have a "meltdown" I talk to him and he is helping me. I will never be the same person again because part of me left that day also, but the part of me that is left will make him proud so when we meet in heaven someday, he will hug me and tell me so. Chin up, if you ever want to vent, cry, talk, whatever, I'm here for you. My email is bchamberlain@wi.rr.com, my cell is: 414-852-3422. I live in Wisconsin so I'm on CST. Hang in there, Hugs to you!
Barb

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 17, 2010 at 3:34pm

Kathy,
Thank you for your kind message. I am sorry for your loss. I know that my step daughters are also grieving but as you said they have their families and lives in another state.
I really feel that I went thru the worst of my grieving while we were undergoing the ups and downs of his chemo and infections and chemo and infections. I felt like a robot, speaking to the girs several times a day with updates. They visited as often as they could but it was I who went thru it. I do not cry any more.
My biggest problem as I just told Barb is that Bob was creamated but not buried. He sits on my mantel. I have decided to have a burial on our anniversary on Aug. 26. It will be a very hard day, but at least it will be final.It will be a military burial and I can be buried with him when the time comes.
I know that I will not remain in Pa. but will some day return to be with him.
Thank you again for your kind words. I think I will do better after next thursday.
Gail

kathy obiedzinski said:

GAIL: FIRST OF ALL I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS I LIKE CONNIE AND OTHERS GET VERY ANGRY AT GOD I BLAME HIM FOR MY LOSS. I KNOW HE IS NOT BUT I HAVE TO LATCH OUT AT SOMEONE I YELL AT MY HUSBAND AND QUESTION OVER AND OVER AS TO WHY DID HE LEAVE ME. I ALSO HAVE FAMILY I HAVE 2 SONS WITH CHILDREN I DO NOT WANT TO BURDEN THEM ON HOW I REALLY FEEL. I PUT ON A HAPPY FACE BUT WHEN I GO HOME AND BE ALONE IT IS A DIFFERENT STORY,. GAIL THE OTHER THING I CAN TELL YOU IS STAY ON WEBSITE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING THRU WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT NOW I LOST GEORGE 3/1/09 AND BELEIVE ME I AM STILL ANGRY STILL CRY AND YELL I WENT TO SEE A COUNSLOR SHE HELPED ME IN THE BEGINING UNTIL I FOUND THIS WEBSITE I LEFT THIS SITE AT LEAST 2 TIMES BECAUSE I FELT I COULD HANDLE MY GRIEVING MYSELF BUT I COULD NOT SO I RETURNED AND FOUND MANY FRIENDS THAT ARE GOING THRU TOUGH TIMES SO OTHERS THEN ME GEORGE DID NOT SUFFER HE HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK BUT I CAN SAY ONE THING I GOT TO TELL HIM I LOVED HIM AND HIM TELL ME HE LOVED ME THAN WITHIN 1 HOUR HE WAS GONE. AGAIN MY SYMPATHY ON YOUR LOSS.

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 17, 2010 at 3:47pm

Thank you Cindy for your kind remarks.
I have been dealing with the fact that I had a creamation but no burial. Bob sits on my manel and I have decided to have a burial at Fort Indian Town Gap military cemetary on Aug 26 which would have been our 21 anniversary. I think it will be easier to move forward after that.The fact that the girls will not be albe to attend will make it extra hard
I knew that I would not remain in Pa. I have no one here. Friends cannot replace family.
This site has been very helpful. Just knowing that there are others out there that can help so much with their words of kindness.
Do you have family around you? I have gone to a few bereavement meetings, but I find they just bring me down. I do not cry anymore. I did that throughout my roller coaster ride during those last three months.
Thank you again for your kind words. Hugs to you
Gail

CINDY POWELL said:

gail,
i am so sorry for your loss. i know how difficult it can be . i lost my spouse on feb 26th 2010 . also lost him to cancer within three months of diagnoisis.i also can relate to the lonely weekends. that is when my husband and i had our quality time.i used to live in pa. back in the 60s and 70s. i lived near valley forge. then moved to texas in 1980. i am finding the loneliness is what really gets to me the most. my husband and i did everything together he was my best friend.i never really felt like i needed anyone else. but i didnt ever expect him to die i guess.now i feel so lost and lonely . i can also relate to connie, because i feel so jealous when i see all these happy couples that seem to pop up everywhere.i never even noticed them before and now that my husband is gone i see them everywhere.i miss my husband so very much. i feel like my chest is going to explode with the pain i feel.i dont know why God couldnt have taken me instead of my husband.he could have coped with this lonely life alot better than me.i hope that you will find this website helpful and may GOD BLESS YOU.

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 17, 2010 at 3:58pm

Helllo Randolph,
Thank you for your kind word. In reading some of the other postings, I read your messages and find that you always have a kind word and know exactly what to say. I commend you for that.
My Bob did pass so quickly, I feel that I did most of my grieving during the three months of his illness.
He was creamated but not buried. I find that having him here on my mantel is not a good thing for me.
On Aug. 26 which would have been our 21 anniversary, Bob will be laid to rest At Fort Indiantown Gap military cemetary. I did not have a burial before because I wanted us to be buried together. I was not thinking clearly. We will be together in a beautiful place when the time comes.
I know I will not remain in Pa. since I have no one here but I will return some day.
Thank you again for your kind words.
Gail

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Hi to all, I am so sorry for our losses. Harriet, you said it good that you arent crying for him anymore, you are crying for "you". That is exactly what I cry now for, me. You know they are okay now. That everything works and they are not suffering. But wow, we are the ones left behind to stumble around and trying to find some way to cope. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 17, 2010 at 4:24pm

Hi Gail, my wife died suddenly and was cremated also. I have her ashes on the puter top. Am saving up the money to spread her ashes in Colorado, where we lived for 10 years. I realize that when I do this it will finalize my wife's passing. That will be a time I hope I can handle. I will also want the pastor to say a blessing when we leave to do this.Hugs to you.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by gail stewart on August 17, 2010 at 6:03pm

I am sure that at the time that you spread her ashes, you will feel much better. You willl know that she is where she wanted to be and perhaps someday you will join her.
I know that I will feel better after the burial.
Was her passing recent?
my best wishes to you.
Gail

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Hi Gail, my wife died suddenly and was cremated also. I have her ashes on the puter top. Am saving up the money to spread her ashes in Colorado, where we lived for 10 years. I realize that when I do this it will finalize my wife's passing. That will be a time I hope I can handle. I will also want the pastor to say a blessing when we leave to do this.Hugs to you.Hugs are good.