I don't know about anyone else but I speak only for myself when I say I am unable to enjoy anything any more.  I have no interest in taking a walk in the sunshine which is what a widow at the grief meeting I attend suggested to me. If I were to take a walk for the simple pleasure of it, I would be even more depressed because Danny wouldn't be walking with me.  I don't get that no one seems to understand me. I feel like the last person in the world. Every one else outside and even my family is enjoying life, but not me.  I do have a strong belief in my faith and know God has His purpose in everything He does.  But I can't help how I think.  If I were to change my thought pattern, wouldn't that be putting myself in denial.  I just don't get it?  I am not capable of loving life, I am just living because I have to. I am not capable of loving what I once did when my husband was still here with me, like hobbies, interests, feeling joy, smiling, even eating or cooking our meals for the both of us, or any kind of music whatsoever.  I even cry when TV ads come on that we saw together thousands of times, I have to turn the station, any song that comes on, whatever it is, whether he liked it or we both took pleasure in certain singers is just a thing of the past. I can't get into it.  I hate music. I am definitely going to stop watching TV next week when I have to terminate the cable because the contract will be up.  His sister only paid for it because she knew he couldn't get around much the last few months of his life and it was the only thing left he could do.  I was so dumb, so naive, so stupid because I didn't see the writing on the wall.  He was dying and I always thought he would get better.  I wasn't really in denial about it, it was just that my brain was in a fog, I didn't realize.  Maybe it's a good thing I didn't realize, if I knew he only had a few months, he would have witnessed me going insane.  I'm so glad I just sat with him and talked with him and gave him orange sherbert and his medicine which I wish now I didn't.  How unpleasant for him.  I thought it would make him better.  What a dope I was.  Well, anyway, somehow I get through each day, and I have ups and downs, mostly down days, and I go out with Dan's sisters or my sisters and I see my sons, their wives, and the grandchildren once in a while, but when I'm alone in my apartment I am in a stronghold and still can't believe this has happened and the only outlet I have is sharing with you all.  Thank you so much for everyone being here, that is unless you are on FB, but I am still here and I know some of you are still here also.

Peace and hugs to whoever is here with me.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Suzanne
I know how you feel.Thank you! I though I was go crazy.
God Bless you!
Sandra
Reading the post here make me feel we all have many things in common. The not enjoying things, and the not believing or spouses were realy not going to pull through. Even though my wife was told to stop all treatments and to begin hospice care,I still felt she was going to somehow recover. It sort of set in when a social worker from hospice visited about 2 weeks before she passed and said I hadn't given them any information for funeral plans, this was the week between Christmas and New Years. The hospice nurse never realy told me it would happen so soon,but she must have sensed it was coming and notified the socila worker. weeks later,thing wnr domehill fast and she passed on. I do find my self reliving this over and over in my mind. I do have a few good moments every day when I look at a picture of her and just say hi and give her a smile. I read a quote in one of the books I was given on grieving the I think of often,
"Live must end,love doesn't".

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