It has just occurred to me as I sit here with tears streaming down my face, who really cares?  Right now, I don't feel like anyone does.  Who am I breaking my back for?  Do they really appreciate it?  I spent all day yesterday decorating the tree and for what? So they can come on Christmas day eat a big meal open gifts then leave.  I really feel like I am being taken advantage of.  I asked our son a week ago to come over and help me get the decorations out of the attic.  Haven't heard from him since.  Haven't even seen him in at least 3 weeks and he only lives about 20 blocks away.  What is the point?  Our son, daughter-in-law and her sister have all chosen to work at 3 in the afternoon on Christmas day...I guess money is more important to them.  I do all this baking wrapping decorating and cooking so they can all come over leave a mess for me and take off by 3.  Whoopee!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel like reserving a flight and getting the h out of here.  I am seriously thinking about it for next winter.  Who am I sticking around for?  I could go south for the winter...no one would miss me anyway.  If they want to see me they can fly down.  I have to think about me for a change...no one else does.  I sit in this big empty house all winter and cry.  I have to change this, this is not a life.  Yesterday was 16 months since Larry passed away.  It's not like this is something new since he passed away.  It has always been like this.  Is this Mom's job?  Well I can tell you I am tired of it.  What for?  How about something nice for Mom for a change, instead of let's see what we can get out of Mom.  Forget it, I am done!!!!!!!!!  Make your own Christmas, like I have always done for everyone else.

Thanks for listening, sorry to be so crusty but I am fed up.

Take care and hugs to all.  I know it is so hard for all of us.

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Replies to This Discussion

hi yvonne: i have a niece that lives in syracuse ny she also has a lot of snow i think over 1 foot if i am not mistaking but i say keep the snow where it is i do not like cold george would  hibernate in the winter he would not go out unless it is to work again keep the snow and the cold weather

Yvonne said:

HI everyone and thank you for your replies.  It really hurts to feel so lonely and I think that is the worst part of this journey we are on.

Ok now about the weather LOL, I have you all beat.  I live in Saskatchewan Canada and this morning it is really not that bad, it is 18 degrees and supposed to rise to 34 this afternoon, but then it is supposed to start to snow with a risk of freezing rain.  We have about a foot of snow now and I won't see the ground again until late March for April.  In January it is not uncommon to have -40 with a wind chill.  If I go south for the winter it will be to Yuma, AZ.  Thank goodness I don't work in the winter but I make up for it in the summer.  7 days a weeks 14-18 hours a day for 5 months.

Take care everyone and let's pray that we make new memories during the holiday season to help carry us forward on this journey.

HI Yvonne, I'm a mum and finding it hard just like you over this xmas period and I'm getting away from it all. As i read your info I cried. Is there no-one you can get away with over xmas. Show your children that your independent but still need them to be part of your life . They love you but aren't sure how to celebrate xmas......maybe they are finding it hard this year. Grief changes year by year.   All my love from the UK x

Yvonne, I haven't checked the site in awhile and just read your post.  I went to a grief "workshop" and one thing that really stayed with me is the advice that we need to leave ourselves a "back door" so we can escape if necessary.  It sounds like you need an escape plan.  There is no way I could put myself through all the cooking, cleaning and all this year.  I wish I had the guts to just stay home.  It sounds like everyone else in your family has their "back door" but you and you are the one who needs it most.

Take care, I lost my husband 5 months ago and I just want it to be January.  Bah humbug!

Bah humbug is right! Normally I do all the Christmas decorating at work which is sometimes elaborate (I'm the only female w/6-11 men) & have barely managed to drag out our fake, pre-decorated tree. When asked to participate in the dinner, I let my boss know right quick that I am not interested, in which he replied, "Do I need to get you a Scrooge mask?" Let's see, last year at this time my husband was here working side by side with each of us as he had been for the previous 8+ yrs. Does anyone here care?! Nobody has expressed any sympathy to me in recognition of this fact. Yes- I wish this would hurry & get over with!

Marianne said:

Yvonne, I haven't checked the site in awhile and just read your post.  I went to a grief "workshop" and one thing that really stayed with me is the advice that we need to leave ourselves a "back door" so we can escape if necessary.  It sounds like you need an escape plan.  There is no way I could put myself through all the cooking, cleaning and all this year.  I wish I had the guts to just stay home.  It sounds like everyone else in your family has their "back door" but you and you are the one who needs it most.

Take care, I lost my husband 5 months ago and I just want it to be January.  Bah humbug!

Say NO..I stoped years ago.People are very selfish around the Holidays.family is the worst,sometimes.I hated to hear this but here it is.""after a month or so of a death,the rest of the world goes back to their life,and you're left pretty much alone" TELL PEOPLE what you want from them.Your Family may think you like doing the Holidays.They may think you want to be busy to take yoir mind off your grief.and tell them,if they don't help clean up,this will be your last year of doing Christmas! Go South.Coast Rica is great.

Yesterday I put up my only Christmas decoration, a wreath on the door.  I took down the black mourning wreath I had up and could hear Dale saying in my head "Thank God you finally took that thing down" ;) He would have hated it being up.

My brother and his wife did invite me over for Christmas eve, but that is when Dale's family was going to have Christmas dinner because of the weird work schedule we all have.  One brother was off and one worked until 8pm.  I get off at 1pm.  Then I found out that the 2nd brother was off Thursday (along with the 1st brother) so I told his mom to go ahead and have the dinner on Thursday because the 2nd brother was always missing the celebrations because he got off late....and I work until 8pm that night. They both work Christmas day.

So unless I call my brother and invite myself, looks like Christmas Eve and Christmas I will be by myself. Not all day, I can visit Dale's mom and dad on both days.  I do plan on visiting the cemetery on Xmas and bringing some flowers.

I just don't know if I could handle xmas eve at my brother's house.  It was something Dale and I never did, but I don't know if I can handle it with the kids and grandkids and presents this year.

At this time we were planning for his son's visit for a week and all he wanted to get him for Christmas.  He always had such good ideas for him and for me.  It was always a surprise.  Now his son isn't coming this year and I'm trying to come up with presents for him and don't have the knack for it.

I keep telling myself that this first Christmas will be the worst to endure and I'll make it through.  I know too that Dale would want me to go to my brother's for Christmas Eve.  That he's gone and I need to go on with my life without him.  And to be happy.  But I really don't think he had any idea how hard it would be for me.

So I will try to get through Christmas without him.  I can't help but think it would have been better if I was the one who had died.  He had his son he could have taken care of and his entire family still around.  He would have handled life without me much better then I am handling it without him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know how you feel. My Larry has a 12 yr. old son he left behind, while my kids are young adults now. I sometimes think though, that Larry had already suffered through so much loss. I on the otherhand am new to this type of suffering & frankly once is more than enough! When I think of it like that, I am thankful that Larry was spared another devastating blow. I have no idea what to buy his son for Christmas- I usually bought tickets for them to attend big sporting events together. I know he will be bombarded with gifts from well meaning family members, but he will want nothing but his dad back! It's heartbreaking.

Nancey said:

Yesterday I put up my only Christmas decoration, a wreath on the door.  I took down the black mourning wreath I had up and could hear Dale saying in my head "Thank God you finally took that thing down" ;) He would have hated it being up.

My brother and his wife did invite me over for Christmas eve, but that is when Dale's family was going to have Christmas dinner because of the weird work schedule we all have.  One brother was off and one worked until 8pm.  I get off at 1pm.  Then I found out that the 2nd brother was off Thursday (along with the 1st brother) so I told his mom to go ahead and have the dinner on Thursday because the 2nd brother was always missing the celebrations because he got off late....and I work until 8pm that night. They both work Christmas day.

So unless I call my brother and invite myself, looks like Christmas Eve and Christmas I will be by myself. Not all day, I can visit Dale's mom and dad on both days.  I do plan on visiting the cemetery on Xmas and bringing some flowers.

I just don't know if I could handle xmas eve at my brother's house.  It was something Dale and I never did, but I don't know if I can handle it with the kids and grandkids and presents this year.

At this time we were planning for his son's visit for a week and all he wanted to get him for Christmas.  He always had such good ideas for him and for me.  It was always a surprise.  Now his son isn't coming this year and I'm trying to come up with presents for him and don't have the knack for it.

I keep telling myself that this first Christmas will be the worst to endure and I'll make it through.  I know too that Dale would want me to go to my brother's for Christmas Eve.  That he's gone and I need to go on with my life without him.  And to be happy.  But I really don't think he had any idea how hard it would be for me.

So I will try to get through Christmas without him.  I can't help but think it would have been better if I was the one who had died.  He had his son he could have taken care of and his entire family still around.  He would have handled life without me much better then I am handling it without him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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