I can not help it. Everone says i am mean and hateful lately. And iguess i am. The other night my mother was over at my house. She said Jill are you mad at me, i said no why she said because have been being very mean to me. And i just started crying, I said i have all these different feelings coming from inside of me and i dont know what to do with thim or who to direct them at. I told her i was sorry that i realized i was being mean to her and i just expected her to accept it because she was my momma and if anyone could forgive me i knew she could. I don't want to be mean to the kids so i am just mean to everyone else. Jason has not even been dead two months. I came back to work the week after we buried him because work is not a place associated with him and everywhere else is. I am fine at work but on the ride home and in bed i hate everything. This was not suppose to happen to us, he was only 39. We had no warning. Maybe i could accept it if he had been sick or even in some sort of accident. But not fine one minute and having a heart attack the next. He was not overweight or anything. I just don;t know what to do with all these different feelings that i am having i dont even know what it is i am feeling. Someone said maybe you need anti depressants i said i am not depressed i am just very sad. They said what is the difference. The difference is i get up every morning and take Tucker to the bus stop and go to work for 8 hours then come home do homework, feed the kids, do sports. If i was depressed i would just lay in the bed all day. Maybe i am a robot. No a robot does not have feelings. I am just sad. But if i am at work i do not cry i am in a different world. I dont know, i dont know, I just dont know.