Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jan on March 18, 2014 at 10:25pm

Be strong for your kids. It's been a year since my husband died. I still feel like this can't be happening. I have cried every day since his passing. It's hard when you build your life around your true love and then it all ends. I try to do my best and not let my kids see me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Maxine Hall on March 19, 2014 at 5:44am

Dearest Elvira, Memories are the core of what keeps us going, try to remember the good times of life with your parents there must be many. Think of all the very special times with your husband and savor them they are what bring thee most comfort. Every big occasion in your life will bring some pain of their not being there that's normal. Know that God loves you and will carry you through all your difficult times. Take pictures with you and make them a part of the affair and you may not feel so alone. Sorry if I was to personal just wanted you to know someone cares

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 19, 2014 at 7:19am

Thanks Jan for responding, I hear you, I am also sorry for your loss, does the pain really subside any? I can't think of my future anymore without him, I do try for my sons not to see me cry but sometimes that is just not possible.
 
Jan said:

Be strong for your kids. It's been a year since my husband died. I still feel like this can't be happening. I have cried every day since his passing. It's hard when you build your life around your true love and then it all ends. I try to do my best and not let my kids see me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 19, 2014 at 7:25am

No, Maxine, not too personal at all, I appreciate your feedback, last night again I was not able to sleep, some people say it gets a little better as time passes but I don't see the difference at this point, it just seems impossible that this happened & I can't accept it, I can't look ahead at my future anymore, he was suppose to be with me to grow old together & see grandchildren when they came & that is no longer possible, I do have beautiful memories but when I go back & look at them, I get worse, it just feels like I am in a nightmare & can't wake up, thanks for your kind words & prayers.
 
Maxine Hall said:

Dearest Elvira, Memories are the core of what keeps us going, try to remember the good times of life with your parents there must be many. Think of all the very special times with your husband and savor them they are what bring thee most comfort. Every big occasion in your life will bring some pain of their not being there that's normal. Know that God loves you and will carry you through all your difficult times. Take pictures with you and make them a part of the affair and you may not feel so alone. Sorry if I was to personal just wanted you to know someone cares

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 19, 2014 at 7:34am

Thanks Jane for your response, I feel for you also, it is so hard to go thru so many deaths within such short time from each other & in your case it was the same as me, your parents & then your husband, my husband too was wonderful thru my parents ordeal, I just miss him terribly, last night was another sleepless night, my head won't stop thinking when I go to bed & I can't help it, my heart is just broken, you don't think something like this is going to happen, especially when still young & without any warning, you always see yourself as growing old together & you question the why, when he was such a wonderful father, husband & son, his mom is still alive, it breaks my heart to see her loss, she is 88 yrs old, don't think a parent should ever need to experience the loss of a child ever, I know it is not for me to decide, it is ultimately God's will but can't help & question it, thanks for your kind words.
 
Jane P. said:

Elvira, I feel your pain and I have gone through multiple deaths too.  In 2009 I lost my father on Valentine's Day, 2 weeks later my mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed 11 months almost to the day after my father and within 7 months my husband became ill but it took them an additional 4 months to figure it all out and he survived 17 months after diagnosis and passed in 2011.  So Yes I too had 3 deaths within a 3 year timeframe.  At times I have no idea for whom I am grieving. I wish I could speak to my father for his wisdom , my mom for that gentle hug and the reminder it was all going to be OK and my husband because he was my partner, a part of my life for 25 years.  He held me up when my parents were sick and then passed, he was my everything.  I am now 2 1/2 years into this and even though I don't want to be here you learn, to a point, adjust to life alone.  Take your time, cry when you need to, and time is now about YOU because grieving such as ours is a baby step process, and unless someone has experienced such a loss they have NO clue what you are going through.   You are on the roller coaster ride called grief, and  as you struggle to find a new normal you eventually find somewhat of a routine and sleep will come.  Right now time seems to be standing still and yet the days pass by and the calendar changes but you are in limbo. Your experiences are normal. I do suggest you try and find a local grief group. Legacy is great but it lacks human contact which you need at this time. Just remember to take your time and breath.  Hugs and prayers, Jane P.

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 19, 2014 at 1:08pm

Wow, Jane our  situations are very similar indeed, my husband had just turned 59 the month before he passed and I turned 57, 3 days after he turned 59, very difficult to see about a future life without your other half, do you have any children? I try to stay strong for them, my youngest is 25 & he is very worried about me & my health, I have both high blood pressure & diabetes & he is very concerned about me not sleeping because it can affect some many things, he says he does not want to lose another parent because he already lost one, they are younger & grieve differently, they have their own lives to look forward to with their respective others, but we lost our soul mates & we will be alone the rest of our lives, so sad that life can change in an instant, thanks again for your support.
 
Jane P. said:

Elvira, our situations are so similar my husband's mother was still alive when he became ill and then passed and it was so hard on her. She lost her husband, my husband's older brother and now her youngest child, my husband.   She was 93 and passed 11 months almost to the day of my husband's passing.  She died bitter towards me and with a broken heart.  She was a kind and gentle person who went through so much and I still love her as I always did with all the bitterness set aside! But it took me a while to get there too.

It is hard to explain but eventually you find your way.  The first year was a blur for me, I too was sleep deprived and wondering aimlessly looking for answers to questions I will never find.  My husband was 59 when he passed and I was 56.  Right in the middle of our lives and it just came to an abrupt halt.  I still struggle to find a new normal, and I still cry over him.  I have learned to wear two faces the one for outside that meets the public and the one with the broken heart that I hide inside behind closed doors.    

You will soon find out that people do not understand your grief and they will wonder about you.  But unless they have experienced such a loss they will NOT get it, they will never understand our loss.  So please take time, it is a baby step process. And there will be many days you will do the grief tango one step forward and 2 steps back, but you will make it.  Hugs, jane P. 

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 19, 2014 at 9:23pm

Thank you Jane, yes I do have 2 wonderful sons & yes both my husband & I are proud of the men they have become, my oldest has been married for one year but still no babies, both my sons are certified school psychologists, they were great students, just feel awful because my husband was looking forward so much to his sons wedding, I know he would not have wanted to go so abruptly & he will be there in spirit but it is not the same, I hate that even though I am trying very hard to feel happy about this wedding, but it just seems impossible to do, are you from the states? if so where? you have been a great support with your responses, Crying is something I am constantly doing, believe me.

Elvira
 
Jane P. said:

No Elvira we never had children, that is where we differ.  Your younger son sounds so concerning and his new wife will be lucky to have such a kind and considerate person in her life.  You should be proud of him and the job you have done.  And yes you are correct they have their own lives and learn to move forward.  We lost our other half of feeling whole.  My husband and I just had each other and we were partners, best friends, lovers, and at times fighting partners too but somehow I felt safe and comforted knowing he was there by my side or watching my back. Now I do it alone.   I truly know what you are experiencing and what you are  going through. It all takes time and it truly is a baby step process.  

Yes, sleep was an issue in the beginning for me too, I was functioning  on 3 hours sleep. I am now up to 5/6 hours and that seems to be working.  But I also do not have health issues.  Life, right now, IS about YOU and you need to take care of YOU.  Hard, you bet because we find no meaning to living.  Just give yourself time to have all of this to sink in.  Grieving such as ours has no timeframes, there is nothing to get over just go through. So take your time, cry when you need to. Come here often because here we truly understand your emotions and grief. There is nothing we have not heard or experienced that you yourself is experiencing.  You are in my thought and prayers.  Hugs, Jane P.

Permalink Reply by Jane P. on March 20, 2014 at 5:47am

Elvira You should be very proud of your children.  I know many who are still supporting their adult children and wonder why they have issues with them.  I was brought up old schooled and you helped your parents and supported them financially if needed or just being there for them.  

I understand your son's upcoming wedding being upsetting to you and all your mixed emotions of happy/sad.  You are in the first few months of grieving where disbelief outweighs reality, that is why they refer to the first year as the year of the fog.  On this site we have found it is the anticipation to the date in question that is far worse then the day itself.  I do believe we are preparing ourselves for the unknown and we over exaggerate the day in our minds.  One woman, on the site, suggested the rubber band trick where you wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you feel like crying for some it worked wonders.  For me, I like to carry my husband's picture with me and I just like to keep looking at it. I get strength through his picture.  But it is OK to cry.  You have every reason to cry.  You are loosing a son through marriage and you cry for your husband and all those close to you no longer standing with you.  It is a difficult situation to be in but you will make it for your son.  

I do live in the states, I live in Delaware and currently I am waiting patiently for spring to arrive!  I think the entire US is waiting for its arrival.  Delaware had more snow this year then Boston, MA!  Now what is the matter with that picture?  Where are you from?  

Just remember life is all about YOU now and YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!  I hope you are having a better day and to quote my father, 'that is why God made tomorrow so you don't have to do it today'!  BIG HUGS,  Jane P.

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 20, 2014 at 6:46am

Good morning Jane, we are actually pretty close to each other, right over the New Jersey Turnpike, I live in North Bergen,NJ  which is literally 10 minutes away from Lincoln tunnel, many times my family passed right by your state on the way down to Florida, my husband's cousin, who also passed almost 5 years ago, her son went to Delaware for his college years & lives there now, we also had an incredible amount of snow, but I hate the summer because I can't tolerate heat, funny that I don't, originally coming form a Caribbean island, I grew up in the states, been in Jersey since 1967, I was 10 yrs old when I came from Cuba but I hate the heat, my favorite time of year is the fall which is the time I got married, we loved the fall foliage 7 got married on October 26, 1980, so now this season will be very hard for me, for the last 3 yrs we had been taking a cruise to celebrate our anniversary & also we would go away with another couple to a bed & breakfast, so needless to say, that time will be very hard for me, I did sleep better last night, thank God because I was basically functioning on 3 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period, it has been great connecting with you & there are also 2 other ladies right on this cite that are going thru same thing, this group has been a blessing.

Hugs, Elvira

Permalink Reply by Jane P. on March 20, 2014 at 7:54am

Elvira, What a Small world!  My husband was born in Passaic NJ, but raised in Northeast PA.  When jobs became tough he moved back to Passaic, NJ found work and was there for some time.  He was extremely educated and landed a job in DE working for Dupont so that is how we are in DE.  I am originally from North Eastern PA where we met so many years ago.  We loved to cruse too and his favorite port was Bermuda because he could drive to a port, board a ship and relax for a week with no hassles of an airport!  We have been to Bermuda 7 times!    He loved October and we use to go every year to the Poconos stay at our favorite cabin with our dogs and go hiking.  I am a summer person, the hotter it is the better I feel!

 I am 100% Italian and my father was born in Italy coming to the states at a very young age.  His family settled in Northeast PA because of the working coal mines at the time and they never left.  My husband is  100% Russian with both of his parents being born in the sates.  My husband was fluent in Spanish.  He took Spanish for 2 yrs. in high school and then 4 years in college and  he was also taught by his co-workers in NJ.   When we went to Mexico he had some good conversations to their amazement and he loved it!

Yes this year will be extremely hard for you as you go through your year of firsts.  I cannot say it gets easier it just gets more tolerable as you adjust to your new normal.  I still find it hard making decisions on my own.  My water heater needed to be replaced last summer and I was so strong making arrangements and asking questions but as I was leaving I broke down and I was sobbing and that poor man had no clue what to do with me! Yes, tears will come when you least expect them and they will flow hard and long.  A little hint, always carry sunglasses with you they can hide your swollen red eyes from the world.  

This year I need to see about replacing my heating unit and I am trying to study up on it before I get estimates.  Some do like to take advantage of woman.  We will see!  I am alone - totally!  So it is very hard on me but I do have some very good friends who watch out for me and help me when I need a good shoulder.  For this I am blessed.  

I am so glad you had some more rest and that too comes on its own time.  In the beginning I would not get out of bed yet I was not sleeping.  I was so alone and confused and worried about everything (that I still do)! It took me a long time to go back into our bedroom I was sleeping on the sofa down stairs.  But I forced myself and eventually it was OK to actually sleep in our bed.  Everything will be an effort but it is up to you to decide when it is OK.  It will be up to you to adjust.  Remember grieving has no timeframes, no timetables, no set rules to follow you just sort of follow aimlessly trying to rediscover a new normal. And eventually you find a happy medium.  That does not mean you forget it just means you learned to put one foot in front of the other.  You seem to have a good support system with your sons which is so important.  You will make it as we all seem to have.  Hard, you bet! But we seem to make it to another day.  I find I do not plan anything I just get up and go with the flow of the day and it seems to help me.  

Sorry this is so long.  i will end it here.  I am hoping you have a good day!  Hugs, Jane P.

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 20, 2014 at 12:39pm

Jane, I really don't mind if it's long, anything that can help me cope with my loss is welcomed, we went to Bermuda in Oct 2011 then in Oct 2012 & Oct 2013 we took Carnival out of Miami to 4 different Caribbean islands which was what my husband loved, he loved any beach in the tropics, we like Bermuda but the beach not as much, it was a little cold for our liking, we also went to Las Vegas with my sister in September but too much hustle for me, & the heat was unbearable, the shows were great, it is hard to imagine that he was perfectly find thru both vacations only to be diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with pelvis, lymph node & liver metastasis without any prior symptoms, our blood work in our regular check up in December was great, how can you have such a cancer without any symptoms til January when he started having diarrhea & weight loss & to think not even the cancer killed him, it was a cardiac arrest on February 9th, I am in so much disbelief is pathetic, it happened & I need to accept it but I can't.

We need to maybe meet one day, it is ok with you, at a later time, right now, I don't feel like going anywhere because everything I do reminds me of him & all that we did together.

Do you live alone? I live with my sister since my parents passed, she never married & owned the house with my parents but when my mom died, my dad refused to go back to the house because he could not handle the memories, so she sold the house & came to live with my kids, husband & me, so now I am not that lonely, my son Julian will be moving soon, he bought a house with his fiancé & my oldest home of course has his own home with his wife, maybe at a later time, will put house in market & buy condo with my sister.

Thanks again for all your responses.
 
Jane P. said:

Elvira, What a Small world!  My husband was born in Passaic NJ, but raised in Northeast PA.  When jobs became tough he moved back to Passaic, NJ found work and was there for some time.  He was extremely educated and landed a job in DE working for Dupont so that is how we are in DE.  I am originally from North Eastern PA where we met so many years ago.  We loved to cruse too and his favorite port was Bermuda because he could drive to a port, board a ship and relax for a week with no hassles of an airport!  We have been to Bermuda 7 times!    He loved October and we use to go every year to the Poconos stay at our favorite cabin with our dogs and go hiking.  I am a summer person, the hotter it is the better I feel!

 I am 100% Italian and my father was born in Italy coming to the states at a very young age.  His family settled in Northeast PA because of the working coal mines at the time and they never left.  My husband is  100% Russian with both of his parents being born in the sates.  My husband was fluent in Spanish.  He took Spanish for 2 yrs. in high school and then 4 years in college and  he was also taught by his co-workers in NJ.   When we went to Mexico he had some good conversations to their amazement and he loved it!

Yes this year will be extremely hard for you as you go through your year of firsts.  I cannot say it gets easier it just gets more tolerable as you adjust to your new normal.  I still find it hard making decisions on my own.  My water heater needed to be replaced last summer and I was so strong making arrangements and asking questions but as I was leaving I broke down and I was sobbing and that poor man had no clue what to do with me! Yes, tears will come when you least expect them and they will flow hard and long.  A little hint, always carry sunglasses with you they can hide your swollen red eyes from the world.  

This year I need to see about replacing my heating unit and I am trying to study up on it before I get estimates.  Some do like to take advantage of woman.  We will see!  I am alone - totally!  So it is very hard on me but I do have some very good friends who watch out for me and help me when I need a good shoulder.  For this I am blessed.  

I am so glad you had some more rest and that too comes on its own time.  In the beginning I would not get out of bed yet I was not sleeping.  I was so alone and confused and worried about everything (that I still do)! It took me a long time to go back into our bedroom I was sleeping on the sofa down stairs.  But I forced myself and eventually it was OK to actually sleep in our bed.  Everything will be an effort but it is up to you to decide when it is OK.  It will be up to you to adjust.  Remember grieving has no timeframes, no timetables, no set rules to follow you just sort of follow aimlessly trying to rediscover a new normal. And eventually you find a happy medium.  That does not mean you forget it just means you learned to put one foot in front of the other.  You seem to have a good support system with your sons which is so important.  You will make it as we all seem to have.  Hard, you bet! But we seem to make it to another day.  I find I do not plan anything I just get up and go with the flow of the day and it seems to help me.  

Sorry this is so long.  i will end it here.  I am hoping you have a good day!  Hugs, Jane P.

Permalink Reply by Jane P. on March 20, 2014 at 5:29pm

Elvira,  You did travel a lot and I am so happy for you to have the opportunity to make so many memories.  I know just how tough it is for you and I know the gut wrenching pain you are experiencing.  You grief is so young and you are in the stage of disbelief where life is just full of motions with no meaning.  We refer to the first year as the year of the fog.  I am in my second year, the year of reality and the third is classified as eternity.  No matter what anyone wants to call it, I hate every second of being here., but I am and I need to make the best of it and I have a feeling you will too.  I am so glad your sister lives with you. It should make your loneliness a little tolerable.  

My husband had lung cancer which was not detected until it was to late.  They gave him maybe 6 months and I feel I gave him, with the help of God, 17 months.  He worked right up to the last month he passed away on June 4th, 2011.  With no regrets,  I retired from my job to take care of him and I would do it all over again just to have him by my side.  He was my everything and I truly miss him with my heart ad soul.  

Elvira, no matter how they pass away I have found there is NO good way to die if you are the survivor.  It all hurts no matter what. Please just give yourself time to grieve.  Your grief is so raw right now you have no idea which end is up.  My heart goes out to you because I know that grief only to well.  But like I keep saying you WILL make it just another day, one small baby step at a time.  And it does take time. I still am not over the loss of my husband and it is 33 months for me.  

I do live alone , with our 2 cocker spaniels,  in the home my husband and I had built in 1988.  We were starting to update it together, a few rooms at a time.  I now have no desire to do a thing.  I use to love to paint and change things but not any more, I have no interest in any of it.  

It will be nice to get together someday.  But first you need to worry about YOU!  And may I add, before you make any decisions about selling your current home I might suggest you hold off the first year because you are still in disbelief, in shock, in a fog.  It is not a good idea to make any life altering decisions the first year if you do not need to make these decisions.  

I am so glad my last e-mail was not to long for you.  I am just trying to keep your spirits up and just let you know your feelings are normal.  you will be OK too it just takes time.  Sending Big Hugs,  Jane 

Elvira Castellanos said:

Jane, I really don't mind if it's long, anything that can help me cope with my loss is welcomed, we went to Bermuda in Oct 2011 then in Oct 2012 & Oct 2013 we took Carnival out of Miami to 4 different Caribbean islands which was what my husband loved, he loved any beach in the tropics, we like Bermuda but the beach not as much, it was a little cold for our liking, we also went to Las Vegas with my sister in September but too much hustle for me, & the heat was unbearable, the shows were great, it is hard to imagine that he was perfectly find thru both vacations only to be diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with pelvis, lymph node & liver metastasis without any prior symptoms, our blood work in our regular check up in December was great, how can you have such a cancer without any symptoms til January when he started having diarrhea & weight loss & to think not even the cancer killed him, it was a cardiac arrest on February 9th, I am in so much disbelief is pathetic, it happened & I need to accept it but I can't.

We need to maybe meet one day, it is ok with you, at a later time, right now, I don't feel like going anywhere because everything I do reminds me of him & all that we did together.

Do you live alone? I live with my sister since my parents passed, she never married & owned the house with my parents but when my mom died, my dad refused to go back to the house because he could not handle the memories, so she sold the house & came to live with my kids, husband & me, so now I am not that lonely, my son Julian will be moving soon, he bought a house with his fiancé & my oldest home of course has his own home with his wife, maybe at a later time, will put house in market & buy condo with my sister.

Thanks again for all your responses.
 
Jane P. said:

Elvira, What a Small world!  My husband was born in Passaic NJ, but raised in Northeast PA.  When jobs became tough he moved back to Passaic, NJ found work and was there for some time.  He was extremely educated and landed a job in DE working for Dupont so that is how we are in DE.  I am originally from North Eastern PA where we met so many years ago.  We loved to cruse too and his favorite port was Bermuda because he could drive to a port, board a ship and relax for a week with no hassles of an airport!  We have been to Bermuda 7 times!    He loved October and we use to go every year to the Poconos stay at our favorite cabin with our dogs and go hiking.  I am a summer person, the hotter it is the better I feel!

 I am 100% Italian and my father was born in Italy coming to the states at a very young age.  His family settled in Northeast PA because of the working coal mines at the time and they never left.  My husband is  100% Russian with both of his parents being born in the sates.  My husband was fluent in Spanish.  He took Spanish for 2 yrs. in high school and then 4 years in college and  he was also taught by his co-workers in NJ.   When we went to Mexico he had some good conversations to their amazement and he loved it!

Yes this year will be extremely hard for you as you go through your year of firsts.  I cannot say it gets easier it just gets more tolerable as you adjust to your new normal.  I still find it hard making decisions on my own.  My water heater needed to be replaced last summer and I was so strong making arrangements and asking questions but as I was leaving I broke down and I was sobbing and that poor man had no clue what to do with me! Yes, tears will come when you least expect them and they will flow hard and long.  A little hint, always carry sunglasses with you they can hide your swollen red eyes from the world.  

This year I need to see about replacing my heating unit and I am trying to study up on it before I get estimates.  Some do like to take advantage of woman.  We will see!  I am alone - totally!  So it is very hard on me but I do have some very good friends who watch out for me and help me when I need a good shoulder.  For this I am blessed.  

I am so glad you had some more rest and that too comes on its own time.  In the beginning I would not get out of bed yet I was not sleeping.  I was so alone and confused and worried about everything (that I still do)! It took me a long time to go back into our bedroom I was sleeping on the sofa down stairs.  But I forced myself and eventually it was OK to actually sleep in our bed.  Everything will be an effort but it is up to you to decide when it is OK.  It will be up to you to adjust.  Remember grieving has no timeframes, no timetables, no set rules to follow you just sort of follow aimlessly trying to rediscover a new normal. And eventually you find a happy medium.  That does not mean you forget it just means you learned to put one foot in front of the other.  You seem to have a good support system with your sons which is so important.  You will make it as we all seem to have.  Hard, you bet! But we seem to make it to another day.  I find I do not plan anything I just get up and go with the flow of the day and it seems to help me.  

Sorry this is so long.  i will end it here.  I am hoping you have a good day!  Hugs, Jane P.

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