Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 20, 2014 at 6:06pm

Again, I want to thank you for being here for me, like u said, I don't feel like anything anymore but most go on for my sons, I wish I would have had more time with him, but he did not even get the opportunity to fight the cancer, he was gone before we knew it & it makes me feel, I did not have the chance to say so many things I wish I could have said if I knew that horrible day was going to be his last day with us, I know he did not have to suffer by leaving us like this but it is worse for the one that stays behind, if I could only go back in time? it is impossible I know, but at least I wish he would come to me in dreams just to let me know that he is okay, I need to know it, am I crazy thinking like this? I do have many memories but it kills me to think we won't be making new ones, the time together will never be back, I feel so hopeless thinking of the future, like you said, I don't feel like doing anything, I too used to love to change things around the house & we had planned to remodel the bathroom this summer, now I just don't care & don't worry, I don't plan on selling house just yet, the reason I am eventually thinking about it is because it will be too big for both of us and it has lots of stairs, as I am getting older & with the arthritis of my knee, it will become very hard, but for now I don't plan on selling just yet, the market is really bad anyway, thank you for all your suggestions.

Elvira
 
Jane P. said:

Elvira,  You did travel a lot and I am so happy for you to have the opportunity to make so many memories.  I know just how tough it is for you and I know the gut wrenching pain you are experiencing.  You grief is so young and you are in the stage of disbelief where life is just full of motions with no meaning.  We refer to the first year as the year of the fog.  I am in my second year, the year of reality and the third is classified as eternity.  No matter what anyone wants to call it, I hate every second of being here., but I am and I need to make the best of it and I have a feeling you will too.  I am so glad your sister lives with you. It should make your loneliness a little tolerable.  

My husband had lung cancer which was not detected until it was to late.  They gave him maybe 6 months and I feel I gave him, with the help of God, 17 months.  He worked right up to the last month he passed away on June 4th, 2011.  With no regrets,  I retired from my job to take care of him and I would do it all over again just to have him by my side.  He was my everything and I truly miss him with my heart ad soul.  

Elvira, no matter how they pass away I have found there is NO good way to die if you are the survivor.  It all hurts no matter what. Please just give yourself time to grieve.  Your grief is so raw right now you have no idea which end is up.  My heart goes out to you because I know that grief only to well.  But like I keep saying you WILL make it just another day, one small baby step at a time.  And it does take time. I still am not over the loss of my husband and it is 33 months for me.  

I do live alone , with our 2 cocker spaniels,  in the home my husband and I had built in 1988.  We were starting to update it together, a few rooms at a time.  I now have no desire to do a thing.  I use to love to paint and change things but not any more, I have no interest in any of it.  

It will be nice to get together someday.  But first you need to worry about YOU!  And may I add, before you make any decisions about selling your current home I might suggest you hold off the first year because you are still in disbelief, in shock, in a fog.  It is not a good idea to make any life altering decisions the first year if you do not need to make these decisions.  

I am so glad my last e-mail was not to long for you.  I am just trying to keep your spirits up and just let you know your feelings are normal.  you will be OK too it just takes time.  Sending Big Hugs,  Jane 

Elvira Castellanos said:

Jane, I really don't mind if it's long, anything that can help me cope with my loss is welcomed, we went to Bermuda in Oct 2011 then in Oct 2012 & Oct 2013 we took Carnival out of Miami to 4 different Caribbean islands which was what my husband loved, he loved any beach in the tropics, we like Bermuda but the beach not as much, it was a little cold for our liking, we also went to Las Vegas with my sister in September but too much hustle for me, & the heat was unbearable, the shows were great, it is hard to imagine that he was perfectly find thru both vacations only to be diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with pelvis, lymph node & liver metastasis without any prior symptoms, our blood work in our regular check up in December was great, how can you have such a cancer without any symptoms til January when he started having diarrhea & weight loss & to think not even the cancer killed him, it was a cardiac arrest on February 9th, I am in so much disbelief is pathetic, it happened & I need to accept it but I can't.

We need to maybe meet one day, it is ok with you, at a later time, right now, I don't feel like going anywhere because everything I do reminds me of him & all that we did together.

Do you live alone? I live with my sister since my parents passed, she never married & owned the house with my parents but when my mom died, my dad refused to go back to the house because he could not handle the memories, so she sold the house & came to live with my kids, husband & me, so now I am not that lonely, my son Julian will be moving soon, he bought a house with his fiancé & my oldest home of course has his own home with his wife, maybe at a later time, will put house in market & buy condo with my sister.

Thanks again for all your responses.
 
Jane P. said:

Elvira, What a Small world!  My husband was born in Passaic NJ, but raised in Northeast PA.  When jobs became tough he moved back to Passaic, NJ found work and was there for some time.  He was extremely educated and landed a job in DE working for Dupont so that is how we are in DE.  I am originally from North Eastern PA where we met so many years ago.  We loved to cruse too and his favorite port was Bermuda because he could drive to a port, board a ship and relax for a week with no hassles of an airport!  We have been to Bermuda 7 times!    He loved October and we use to go every year to the Poconos stay at our favorite cabin with our dogs and go hiking.  I am a summer person, the hotter it is the better I feel!

 I am 100% Italian and my father was born in Italy coming to the states at a very young age.  His family settled in Northeast PA because of the working coal mines at the time and they never left.  My husband is  100% Russian with both of his parents being born in the sates.  My husband was fluent in Spanish.  He took Spanish for 2 yrs. in high school and then 4 years in college and  he was also taught by his co-workers in NJ.   When we went to Mexico he had some good conversations to their amazement and he loved it!

Yes this year will be extremely hard for you as you go through your year of firsts.  I cannot say it gets easier it just gets more tolerable as you adjust to your new normal.  I still find it hard making decisions on my own.  My water heater needed to be replaced last summer and I was so strong making arrangements and asking questions but as I was leaving I broke down and I was sobbing and that poor man had no clue what to do with me! Yes, tears will come when you least expect them and they will flow hard and long.  A little hint, always carry sunglasses with you they can hide your swollen red eyes from the world.  

This year I need to see about replacing my heating unit and I am trying to study up on it before I get estimates.  Some do like to take advantage of woman.  We will see!  I am alone - totally!  So it is very hard on me but I do have some very good friends who watch out for me and help me when I need a good shoulder.  For this I am blessed.  

I am so glad you had some more rest and that too comes on its own time.  In the beginning I would not get out of bed yet I was not sleeping.  I was so alone and confused and worried about everything (that I still do)! It took me a long time to go back into our bedroom I was sleeping on the sofa down stairs.  But I forced myself and eventually it was OK to actually sleep in our bed.  Everything will be an effort but it is up to you to decide when it is OK.  It will be up to you to adjust.  Remember grieving has no timeframes, no timetables, no set rules to follow you just sort of follow aimlessly trying to rediscover a new normal. And eventually you find a happy medium.  That does not mean you forget it just means you learned to put one foot in front of the other.  You seem to have a good support system with your sons which is so important.  You will make it as we all seem to have.  Hard, you bet! But we seem to make it to another day.  I find I do not plan anything I just get up and go with the flow of the day and it seems to help me.  

Sorry this is so long.  i will end it here.  I am hoping you have a good day!  Hugs, Jane P.

Permalink Reply by Jane P. on March 20, 2014 at 9:49pm

Elvira you are so welcome.  If anyone told me 33 months ago I would be able to help someone else going through this I would have chewed their head off!  At the time it seemed so unreal.

All of your feelings are normal, you are not going crazy or having a bad day we always go back to the should haves, could haves and would haves, that is just human nature.  One suggestion, I would like to share, is to write your husband a letter telling him everything you ever wanted to say to him but did not have the chance.  It is for your eyes only so it does not have to be perfect but it helps clear your mind and you get the opportunity to express your feelings.   It does help.

 I use to dream of my husband all the time or for some strange reason a feather would just float out of no where towards me.  On our first anniversary without him I decided to clean a closet (I don't like cleaning closets on a good day) as I started to remove stuff there was a shoe box tucked in the corner and inside it was a card my husband sent me 25 years ago and it was entitled, 'When the Time is Right We Will Be Together'.  And he signed it, With all my heart I will love you forever - for all eternity.  Needless to say that was the end of cleaning the closet!  Since then I have found many cards or notes he had written me so many years ago and they seem to appear when i need them the most.  The funny part to this story is I  saved all the cards he ever gave me but they were in another closet.  I do believe they try to communicate with us but in a subtle way like a familiar  smell or a few words from a song on the radio that stand out.  Sometimes if we look to hard we will miss what is right in front of us.  Now I hope you do not think I am crazy!  I just want you to know that sometimes when we  look to hard we miss the small stuff.  So listen with your heart and not your head and you will find him all around you.  

Sometimes when we are grieving our thought process is not thinking correctly, many have acted hastily and regretted it later.  That is why I suggested if you don't need to sell your home now then don't. You need to be able to think clearly when making any decisions.  I am sure you will know when and if he time will be right.

I hope you are having a better day and i am thinking of you, stay strong and breath.  Hugs, jane

Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on March 21, 2014 at 6:32am

I appreciate your suggestions, you are right about opening my heart, it did happen already when we booked the rehearsal dinner for my sons wedding, in the restaurant where we were trying out there was a gentleman that plays music there & he actually sang 2 songs, the 1st one was a very famous Cuban song that was dedicated many years ago to my father in law & my husband calls it the family national anthem & the second song was a song he always dedicated to me when we went to any restaurant that had mariachis, he knew I loved the song, so he would always ask them to sing it, needless to say I spent all that night crying but deep down inside I knew he was with me that evening, just hard getting used to the idea that will no longer be the case, as far as the selling of the house, I don't plan to do it anytime soon, I know I have to think about things before I jump into decisions, I do hope my day is better today, weekends are very hard for me, because we never separated, he went everywhere with me to needless to say, every single place I go to, he is there & it kills me & I cry & cry.

Hugs, Elvira
 
Jane P. said:

Elvira you are so welcome.  If anyone told me 33 months ago I would be able to help someone else going through this I would have chewed their head off!  At the time it seemed so unreal.

All of your feelings are normal, you are not going crazy or having a bad day we always go back to the should haves, could haves and would haves, that is just human nature.  One suggestion, I would like to share, is to write your husband a letter telling him everything you ever wanted to say to him but did not have the chance.  It is for your eyes only so it does not have to be perfect but it helps clear your mind and you get the opportunity to express your feelings.   It does help.

 I use to dream of my husband all the time or for some strange reason a feather would just float out of no where towards me.  On our first anniversary without him I decided to clean a closet (I don't like cleaning closets on a good day) as I started to remove stuff there was a shoe box tucked in the corner and inside it was a card my husband sent me 25 years ago and it was entitled, 'When the Time is Right We Will Be Together'.  And he signed it, With all my heart I will love you forever - for all eternity.  Needless to say that was the end of cleaning the closet!  Since then I have found many cards or notes he had written me so many years ago and they seem to appear when i need them the most.  The funny part to this story is I  saved all the cards he ever gave me but they were in another closet.  I do believe they try to communicate with us but in a subtle way like a familiar  smell or a few words from a song on the radio that stand out.  Sometimes if we look to hard we will miss what is right in front of us.  Now I hope you do not think I am crazy!  I just want you to know that sometimes when we  look to hard we miss the small stuff.  So listen with your heart and not your head and you will find him all around you.  

Sometimes when we are grieving our thought process is not thinking correctly, many have acted hastily and regretted it later.  That is why I suggested if you don't need to sell your home now then don't. You need to be able to think clearly when making any decisions.  I am sure you will know when and if he time will be right.

I hope you are having a better day and i am thinking of you, stay strong and breath.  Hugs, jane

Permalink Reply by Jane P. on March 21, 2014 at 7:17am

Oh Elvira I do believe he was there and came through in the songs that were played.  I know how hard all of this is for you and I know when hearing the music you just wished the ground would split open and take you with it.  But as time passes those songs will put a smile on your face and a tear in your eye and a found memory of how it use to be.  Hard you bet it is.

You have such a good family support system they will be there for you to pick you up when needed.  I know it is not the same.  My husband and I took Sat as 'our' day together and we did so much even if it were to stop someplace for a coffee just to talk and be together. As time passes you need to try and do something that will fill in the void.  Even if it is to walk the mall.  

Going grocery shopping was so hard for me I use to pick up things and then have to put them back because they were things he liked.  So many times I had to leave my basket and walk out.  To this day I just run in grab what I need and I am out of there.  

Give yourself time you just need to adjust to all of this and eventually you find what will work for you.  Right now you are just in disbelief with no understanding to the why.  And it is the why that WILL NEVER be answered.  FOr some stupid reason we are still here and I want to do him proud and do the best I can.  I look forward to seeing him again and until then I will be the best I can be as hard at it is.  

You are doing well for such a short time and you will see the days change, the calendar move and you will be in limbo. Then suddenly you see things differently as you get stronger.  The word here is 'time' just take your time, cry when you need to, and write him many letters.  

I am here for you my new friend and I will keep reinforcing you as much as possible. When we fall we need a gentle hand to pick us up, a hand who understands our grief and I truly understand.  

Take one day at a time and even thought it is unthinkable now you will make it.  Hugs, Jane

Elvira Castellanos said:

I appreciate your suggestions, you are right about opening my heart, it did happen already when we booked the rehearsal dinner for my sons wedding, in the restaurant where we were trying out there was a gentleman that plays music there & he actually sang 2 songs, the 1st one was a very famous Cuban song that was dedicated many years ago to my father in law & my husband calls it the family national anthem & the second song was a song he always dedicated to me when we went to any restaurant that had mariachis, he knew I loved the song, so he would always ask them to sing it, needless to say I spent all that night crying but deep down inside I knew he was with me that evening, just hard getting used to the idea that will no longer be the case, as far as the selling of the house, I don't plan to do it anytime soon, I know I have to think about things before I jump into decisions, I do hope my day is better today, weekends are very hard for me, because we never separated, he went everywhere with me to needless to say, every single place I go to, he is there & it kills me & I cry & cry.

Hugs, Elvira
 
Jane P. said:

Elvira you are so welcome.  If anyone told me 33 months ago I would be able to help someone else going through this I would have chewed their head off!  At the time it seemed so unreal.

All of your feelings are normal, you are not going crazy or having a bad day we always go back to the should haves, could haves and would haves, that is just human nature.  One suggestion, I would like to share, is to write your husband a letter telling him everything you ever wanted to say to him but did not have the chance.  It is for your eyes only so it does not have to be perfect but it helps clear your mind and you get the opportunity to express your feelings.   It does help.

 I use to dream of my husband all the time or for some strange reason a feather would just float out of no where towards me.  On our first anniversary without him I decided to clean a closet (I don't like cleaning closets on a good day) as I started to remove stuff there was a shoe box tucked in the corner and inside it was a card my husband sent me 25 years ago and it was entitled, 'When the Time is Right We Will Be Together'.  And he signed it, With all my heart I will love you forever - for all eternity.  Needless to say that was the end of cleaning the closet!  Since then I have found many cards or notes he had written me so many years ago and they seem to appear when i need them the most.  The funny part to this story is I  saved all the cards he ever gave me but they were in another closet.  I do believe they try to communicate with us but in a subtle way like a familiar  smell or a few words from a song on the radio that stand out.  Sometimes if we look to hard we will miss what is right in front of us.  Now I hope you do not think I am crazy!  I just want you to know that sometimes when we  look to hard we miss the small stuff.  So listen with your heart and not your head and you will find him all around you.  

Sometimes when we are grieving our thought process is not thinking correctly, many have acted hastily and regretted it later.  That is why I suggested if you don't need to sell your home now then don't. You need to be able to think clearly when making any decisions.  I am sure you will know when and if he time will be right.

I hope you are having a better day and i am thinking of you, stay strong and breath.  Hugs, jane

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