Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Vee on March 14, 2012 at 11:18am

Rose, we all get mad at those trying to help us, because the wound is so deep.  It's like a bear with a thorn in his paw theory.  Our pain is so great that when others try to help us, we just can't bare the pain.  It's like you have this big, old gaping wound and someone is trying to sew the wound up without anesthesia.  You scream and try to push them away, because the pain is too great.  You faint from the pressure with a real wound without anesthesia.  You're half out of your mind.  But they can give you something for the pain.  What can anyone do to relieve your pain?  Nothing.  The only thing that would work is your loved one returning.  And that is not possible.

 

We get mad because that's all we can do.  When death rears its ugly head, that is all that the "left behind" can do is get mad.  You're mad, if it is a sudden death, that you didn't see some sign that might have saved your loved one.  You're mad at the person who dies leaving you behind.  Your whole life is forever altered, and you don't like it.  Most of us don't have enough guts to say we are also mad at God.  If someone else was involved, then we focus our anger on them.  Many times we're angry at EMTs or medical personnel or facilities.  We hold the government responsible. 

 

All of this is wasted emotion, but anger is at least an emotion we who have lost someone have control over.  Death shows you that for all the controls and the buttons we push every day, we do not have control over the time, the manner (in some cases), or who it chooses to take with it as its next victim. 

 

So, why not get mad?  Sensibly, because it takes up too much emotion, and we don't have a lot to spare.  Will that stop our anger?  No.  And when you try to suppress anger during these periods, sometimes it goes underground and just waits to explode on those trying to help us and be there for us. 

 

I flip through hundreds of emotions from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.  Today, I had a meltdown because of my loss when I was reminded how much I relied on Lawrence, especially his judgment, in my business.  I knew any advice he gave me came from a place of love and support.  I got angry at myself for letting him become so much a part of every facet of my life. 

 

The best I can explain it is it is like having surgery.  My mom used to tell us all after she had surgery how much it affected every facet of her life.  First, she had to deal with the pain, then therapy, and she couldn't resume a lot of her normal activities around the house, either.  She mentioned how before the surgery she didn't sweat and after the surgery she'd sweat profusely for a few years until she healed.  She also noticed that she lost some hair, but eventually it grew back.  She talked about how she couldn't walk very far for a while without feeling a stitch in her side, but eventually that lessened and finally went away.  She loved to watch sports events, and after the surgery it upset her nerves for a while after and she'd start shaking.  Short story long, she did get better, but it took a while.

 

That's what's happening to us.  A part of us was ripped and torn away from us without our consent.  It requires realigning our very soul.  It has devastated our families, our friends, our whole existence on this earth.  Some of us may be even questioning how God could permit this much pain to be visited on us.  I say these things, because I'm personally struggling, and I'm angry and mad.  Rationally, I know there is nothing to be done except to grow around the pain.  Yet, I now spend my days tipping over egg shells trying to find a place I can step on and feel normal.  Rose, I haven't found it yet, but I continue to look for it every day.

 

God bless, Dear Lady! 

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on March 14, 2012 at 11:27am

Rose,

Anger is just one of the many emotions all of us will go through as we struggle to come to terms with the loss of our loved one.  I find it so frustrating when people ask, "call if you need anything" -- HELLO, I don't know what I need so just make an offer of something -- anything!  We are angry that our loved one left us and so it is pent up anger that is unleashed whenever -- we don't know when it will raise its ugly head.  This is normal and in time you find that your anger will lessen.  Hang in there and don't feel guilty about your feelings.  They are your feelings to have and own.  If other people don't understand or "get it" it really is not your  job to explain.  They have not travelled down our path of grief.  But they will -- and when they do you will be there to help.  We all feel your pain and are here to listen.  It has been 2 1/2 years since my husband died and I can say with conviction that it does get easier and life becomes different.  It isn't better, just different.  Keep your heart open for love and understanding as you find your "new" normal.

In peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Diane Marante McDonough on March 15, 2012 at 11:50am

I know that smothrering feeling so well and then 5 minutes later you want it.  This is the craziest and hardest thing I have ever experienced.  It is almost 9 months for me and feel I have had a set back.  I started on Zoloft Tues. and all day yesterday I felt terrible so no more of that for now.  I have an appointment with a therapist next week but trying to get into somewhere else sooner.  I feel very scared, that is my latest feeling.  Yesterday was the first time I felt really sick since I have been alone, started to have anxiety so had to call a friend, poor thing was scared to death.  I feel awful again.  Seems like the down sweep on the roller coaster is even worse now than before.  So scared