Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Petal Watson on April 12, 2013 at 3:21am

Two things:

1. 1) People cannot impose their expectations or their timeline of how to grieve onto you.  This is yours.
2. 2) Most of these people have not experienced grief as we (unfortunately) know it, and they are trying to help but don't know what to say.  

Here is what I just wrote to a friend, I don't know the outcome of it yet.  He said something to me which sent me into outer space.  I said:

"Your words sent me into outer space.  I am writing to tell you instead of phoning because I'm afraid of exploding down the phone.

I'm at a loss.

At times we are surrounded by the clamour of people who mean well, but who don't understand us.

But there is a Vindicator (God) Who knows fully. He is above the earth, on high. We go to His court of appeal (at the right hand of God) with the need of our Judge to also be our Advocate (Jesus).

I go to this Vindicator and plead for mercy. For companionship. 

It is perfectly true that our friends, at times, give us tender and kindly judgements, but they cannot do so on the basis of perfect knowledge about our individual case and appearances constantly deceive them. I understand that fact, and know you're trying.

Our 'friend's' knowledge is incomplete. Each one of our lives is different. Unique in our need. We must go to the court of appeals in Heaven - where we passionately desire to escape human responses.

Perhaps no day passes where there are not false judgments formed, which nevertheless may be perfectly sincere.

I was so lucky to have Eddie who was, to me, the perfect type of Christ. Always advocating on my behalf - always validating me, ours was a relationship where false judgements were not formed, at least not knowingly. Only Christ could exceed this, in that He has perfect knowledge. He (Jesus) is the 'Judge Advocate General of all Generals.'

I miss Eddie. Now I eat alone. No, I do everything alone. Whenever I need to talk to someone, well, I'm stealing away their time from someone else closer, I'm in the way. Eddie is dead. It wasn't expected. It was a shock."

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on April 12, 2013 at 7:17am

Petal, that was beautiful! People experience many kinds of grief. Sometimes it is life changing. I tell people that when they loose a parent or sibling, they are saddened. They miss that person, but when they go home, their daily life continues. When you loose a spouse or partner, it is like having part of your soul ripped out. When you go home, nothing is the same. People can not truly understand what we are going through. How could they, and I am happy for them that they do not know!

Somebody posted something she sent to her friends to let them know what she is feeling, and it included a list of things her friends could do. I saved it to my page. I have handed it out to friends who could use it.

Permalink Reply by Petal Watson on April 12, 2013 at 7:47am

Thx Maggie. It's what I feel.

Do you still have the handout Maggie?

xxoo

Permalink Reply by Kathy Morey on April 12, 2013 at 10:16am

Hi all. That is the hardest thing for me, that alone feeling. Heck after all these years I am truly alone. Most days I do not even know what to so with myself. Since I was a teen Chet was there for me. My brother shot haelf a few years ago and I thought that was the worse thin I could go through , I was wrong. I fell all of your pain. Seems everyone has moved on from Chet's auicide except for on little granddaughter who misses her papa so much and does not understand. I look for him everywhere. I mourn. I get some comfort from all of you. I am not sure why I am still here. Everyone has been kind but I guess I did not expect to be or feel this alone. I am trying to find a outlet for all this pain but its hard to do when I can't think of anything but my Chet. I know three months is not very long and I am tryin to be patient with myself. I can not stay where I live as I can not afford the apartment alone . I do not know what to do and whennI ask no one has a answer. My counselor says time. You are all so brave and give me hope. Hugs, Kathy in Maine.

Permalink Reply by Tammy Amick on April 12, 2013 at 11:01pm

Staci,

I know what you are talking about.  I have a lot of friends who will tell they hope to never know this journey.  Then there are others who say they know, or keep busy.  I also detest people telling me I am strong.  I am not that strong, I get out of bed because I have to work, I leave the house because I have to go to the kids, I joined this group to vent and hear stories and know I am not alone.   Terry;s family and mine have been super supportive, however, they can move on to their normal lives...I cannot.  I fell I not only lost the most important part of me, I cannot seem to find direction.  I live in a fog, and my friends don't get that.  My sister does though, she lost her husband at 36yrs old.  She has told me it doesn't really get better, just different.  I am still waiting.  It has been 4 months since Terry passed and I move slowly.

God Bless you

Love

Tammy

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on April 16, 2013 at 3:02pm

The lonliness is the worst part isn't. it?  All of a sudden there is not a hand taking yours whilst you walk and one side of the bed is flat.   Friends all move on and they have there children and grandchildren whilst I have no one and don't feel I can burden those busy friends too often so I spend a lot of time in bed (my sanctuary) because other wise I would just be sitting watching the same TV I watch in bed and I now detest my living room because the couches both remind me of my husband lying on them so I cannot bear to be there unless someone else is with me.   I just feel I cannot move on.  Morley (my husband) is permanently forefront of my mind so even if I am with others I am thinking about him and feel so very sad all the time.   I am so afraid that he is disappointed that I have gone to pieces and is ashamed of me for not being stronger.   I just want him back please.   I don't know what I believe anymore about the hereafter.   Sometimes I feel certain that all this on earth can't be here by chance and there must be some power (God?) and Morley will be there waiting for me, next minute I am sure it is a load of bunkum and this is not a rehearsal, this is all there is.   No wonder I sob myself to sleep every night (with the aid of sleeping pills)

Permalink Reply by Linda Elbon on September 9, 2013 at 3:26pm

I lost my husband of 33 years on Valentines Day in 2006. He had been sick for a long time but I always hoped he would get better. That wasn't the case. When he died a part of me died with him. I felt as if my heart would fall out of my chest. I didn't want to go anyplace or do much of anything for a long time. I just didn't want to accept the fact that he wasn't coming home. I made it through this with the help of my children and my dear friends and other family members. My mom said something that I think you need to hear. She said don't let anyone tell you how long to grieve or how to grieve. People need to grieve as long as they need to and the way they need to. People may have gone through this too but they still do not know how you feel. It is different for everyone. I have remarried but still have trouble dealing with my loss. I think of him every day and it doesn't get any better. Just hope that you can do better as time goes on. I am still trying to feel better with each passing day but it is so hard.

Permalink Reply by heartbrokenintexas on September 9, 2013 at 9:57pm

They don't think .unless they have been there, they have no clue.
My husband's angel anniversary will be tomorrow. It will be 7 years. No I'm not over His death. I still grieve.
I have also lost 2 children. Both were young.
It's hard & always will be. Pam

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 10, 2013 at 7:43am

Pam   I am with you all the way,    It is over three years for me now and I still grieve as much as I did at the beginning.   To have lost 2 children as well is more than I can bear to think of.   I am so fed up of people telling me to volunteer for something (dont' want to, I was the care giver for several members of my family until their death so I reckon I have done the volunteer bit already.  The pain never goes away and never will.   I just live from day to day, praying each night to be reunited with my love.    I feel so for you in you triple loss.   I am finding one (admittedly my soul mate) bad enough to cope with.   Grieve for as long as you want and need to and come on here as often as you need to, there is always someone with a wiling ear because we have all been and are going through it.

Permalink Reply by Heather Hay on November 11, 2013 at 3:56pm

I can relate to many of your emotions.  My husband died on June 4, 2012, in a single engine plane crash.  I found myself jealous and angry at couples.  I realized it was grief but still found it difficult not to resent happy people.  It also made me wonder how many times my husband and I had made someone else feel that way.  I hated people telling me time will heal, or that "your young" (37).  I have realized that grief is a very individualized process and that for me, time doesn't heal anything.  Time has given me more coping skills and possibly desensitized me to the trauma, but I really don't believe loss is something that will heal.  I try to remind myself that most people mean well and struggle to know how to help.  Even now when I am faced with someone grieving I struggle to know what to say.  I try to offer unconditional love and support no matter which stage of "the process" they are facing.

 

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on November 12, 2013 at 9:43am

Heather.    Time does pot heal, it merely enables you to stop crying in public.   Everyone copies in their own time - it is nearly 4 years for me and I still cry every day for my husband,   I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress because of how he died and the fact I have to try and give him CPR.   I cannot find a post traumatic consellor in this area so feel very abandoned..   I honestly don't think I will ever "get over it" as I waited so long to be a wife and my life since he died has virtually ceased as we did everything together.   I put all my eggs in one basket if you like but it was how we wanted it at the time but now I am totally alone (no children.)   All I hope for is that my time left on earth is short.

Permalink Reply by Anna May on November 28, 2013 at 7:28pm

Dear Staci,

I have heard that many times, but I think the truth is that none of us really know how another person feels. I think we think we know. But what we think the other person feels is what we have have felt in a similar situation. Out of love some family and friends just want us to we "okay". They want the raw pain to go away for us and they want the our memories to start bringing joy.

Still no matter what anyone says grief is as unique and individual as a fingerprint. Our grief highway is ours to travel our way and in our own time. Maybe you can just look at it as they love us ... But it is hard.

Brenda