Why do people say those things?

It's bad enough when I have people come up to me and say things like, "well this is the second Christmas without Brad, so it should be easier", stupid things, but when so many have said to me today at work, about my mom whom I just lost last week..."how old was she, then I reply 86, they say, oh well then she lived a long life". I know that, I don't care if she would have been 100, it still hurts to lose my mom! Don't these people think before they speak? At any rate, I'm going to have a lonely Christmas without Dad, Mom and Brad even though I have other family. I hope I can ignore these remarks from people and try to go on and get through the holidays. I wish you all some peace this holiday and better tomorrows.....Barb

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Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on December 20, 2010 at 6:57pm

So sorry Barb. It will be 4 years next month that my mom passed and its never easy. Our mom is our mom and we loved them and miss them. People often say things without thinking or realizing how it sounds. Please take care and know that our prayers and hugs are with you

Permalink Reply by Mary on December 20, 2010 at 7:17pm

Barb, it all goes back to the same thing. Until people stand where we are, they will never have a clue how we feel or how stupid and hurtful their comments are. It doesn't matter how young or old someone is when they die, it is the living, the person left behind that is greiving and hurting because of their loss.

The holidays are hard on all of us. Doesn't matter if it is the first one without our loved ones or another one. We can be in a room full of people and still feel very alone. There is that "void" that is screaming at us. How nice it would be if we could get together with our "brothers" and "sisters" from here for a holiday party. Our spouses would be looking down and smiling and partying along with us. But reality and distance makes that impossible. However, keep thinking "March", you know what I mean.

Much love to you my friend. I will be thinking about you all on Christmas. It is my first one without my husband and I will be glad when it is all over with. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on December 20, 2010 at 7:40pm

Dear Barb,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. And it doesn't matter if this is the 2nd Christmas without Brad (it is my 2nd Christmas without Douglas), the fact remains that we are finding ourselves still in the throws of grief and missing our best friend, soul mate and spouse. It is difficult for those who have not yet experienced this loss to understand. When people tell me that "it should be easier" this year I just think of Douglas and smile. Christmas will always be difficult to celebrate -- whether it be 2 years or 20. I wish you peace and harmony as you come to terms with your mother's passing. My mother passed away 4 years ago on Christmas day. It still hurts -- and I still cry. I consider myself blessed to have the guardian angels that I now possess. One day we will all be together again -- and no pain or illness will be involved. I wish you a Merry Christmas and may our New Year bring us peace, love and harmony as we continue on the path of discovering our "new" normal!

Love,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on December 20, 2010 at 8:01pm

Barb, I understand only too well. My mom, who will be 93 in a couple of wks, has taken a turn for the worse. I put her in Hospice this past April, she is at home, totally bedbound,with a 24hr caregiver. She is now unresponsive and the Hospice nurse said to prepare ourselfs. I told her I know the drill, Jim has been gone only 8 1/2 wks. I feel so numb. I have heard the same comments " It's for the best", "She's lived her life" etc. Christmas is almost here, I have not decorated yet, not finished shopping for the grandkids. Christmas dinner was supposed to be at Mom's (I do the cooking).All I want to do is wake up from this nightmare. I'm sorry to vent, Barb, but I do understand . I want Jim and I want my mom. Take care.

Permalink Reply by Donna Halacy on December 20, 2010 at 8:43pm

Barb,

I know just what you mean, but people just don't think! This will be my 3rd Christmas without Ed and it is still lousy! Last year I got a Christmas card from his cousin that said....."Enjoy this Christmas, you have so many good memories!" Just hit me wrong. I lost my sister 4 days before my husband, another sister the year before that,,,,and it doesn't change. Of course there is a difference between losing a sibling and losing a spouse, but sometimes people just do not understand unless they have been there, and everyone deals differently. Lonely Christmas is about it, but someday maybe it will change. You take care and realize they just don't think. I wish you the same peace. Donna

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on December 20, 2010 at 8:54pm

Barb, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Age is irrelevant to me when we lose a loved one. I agree that people just don't know what to say because they have yet to experience that type of pain. Personally I am sorry is a mouthful and appreciated. Brad HUGS and Hugs from your Mom too. Ellen

Permalink Reply by bc on December 20, 2010 at 9:21pm

Thanks to all of you for your true understanding. I do know that unless someone has been through what we have don't understand and don't know what to say. I guess it just hit me wrong today and I'm missing Brad so much and I do miss my mom even though the Alzheimer's took her years ago, she was still here for me to hug and sit with her. I also wish we all could get together but since that's not possible, you are all in my heart everyday.

Yes, Mary, March!!

Love to all of you and big Hugs!

Barb

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on December 20, 2010 at 9:31pm

Barb..I lost my husband 6 months ago and I have to agree with you that the stupid remarks are unending! Even when I get a Christmas card people write in it that they know how hard this Christmas is! Do I not know its hard???? They feel they have to add salt to my pain. My husband was only 48 and if I had a penny for every stupid person who said to me "Your young you will meet someone", I would be on easy street. I tell people I take offense at that, that I think it is disrespecting Frank and our marriage. One person went on to say "He died young, when you die you will be old, do you think he wants to be with an old woman?". Now does that top the stupid things youve heard??? Barb..no one understands us. I am so grateful for this site and even though I hate that we are here...it really helps to know were not alone. I wish you a Blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year. May each day lessen your pain! Renee

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on December 23, 2010 at 9:42pm

barb, i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mom. it is so difficult to loose a loved one. i lost my dad 5 years ago and i still miss that i cant pick up the phone and talk with him. my thoughts and prayers are with you and i hope you make it through the holidays ok. how is the new job going?

Permalink Reply by bc on December 23, 2010 at 10:30pm

Barb, I know how lost you are feeling. I feel the same. One week ago tomorrow (Christmas Eve) I had to bury my mom. I pray for both you and your mom that you can spend yet another Christmas with her. Cherish the special memories as that's what we have left. Missing Brad and thinking of all the preparations we would do together each year to make it a little different from the one before. He would always think of ways to wrap presents where no one would ever be able to guess. We'd do that together but he would come up with the ideas. I'll be thinking of you and praying that you find some peace this year. Give your Mom a hug from me...........

Barbara Roth said:

Barb, I understand only too well. My mom, who will be 93 in a couple of wks, has taken a turn for the worse. I put her in Hospice this past April, she is at home, totally bedbound,with a 24hr caregiver. She is now unresponsive and the Hospice nurse said to prepare ourselfs. I told her I know the drill, Jim has been gone only 8 1/2 wks. I feel so numb. I have heard the same comments " It's for the best", "She's lived her life" etc. Christmas is almost here, I have not decorated yet, not finished shopping for the grandkids. Christmas dinner was supposed to be at Mom's (I do the cooking).All I want to do is wake up from this nightmare. I'm sorry to vent, Barb, but I do understand . I want Jim and I want my mom. Take care.

Permalink Reply by bc on December 23, 2010 at 10:31pm

Ellen Brant said:

Barb, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Age is irrelevant to me when we lose a loved one. I agree that people just don't know what to say because they have yet to experience that type of pain. Personally I am sorry is a mouthful and appreciated. Brad HUGS and Hugs from your Mom too. Ellen

Permalink Reply by bc on December 23, 2010 at 10:32pm

Barb said: Thanks Ellen , I hope you rind some peace this year and I'll be praying for you. Thanks for the Brad Hugs and the Mom hugs. I miss them all so much, wish things were the way they used to be.

Ellen Brant said:
Barb, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Age is irrelevant to me when we lose a loved one. I agree that people just don't know what to say because they have yet to experience that type of pain. Personally I am sorry is a mouthful and appreciated. Brad HUGS and Hugs from your Mom too. Ellen