Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on July 24, 2013 at 7:18pm

Stacy,

It is ok to cry. It is very healing and a form of protection for those of us experiencing the loss of our loved one and grieving. May I recommend a wonderful book? It is called "I Cant't Stop Crying" by John Martin and Frank Ferris. It covers grief and recovery. I just celebrated the 4th year of my husband's death and I still cry and I still grieve the loss. This book explains the process all of us go through when we lose a loved one. I highly recommend this book. It is written in such a way that validates my feelings and thoughts. We all need validation.

Widowhood bites! But I am know that I will survive this. I was not looking for another book on grief but it "jumped" out at me one day when I was in Barnes and Noble looking for another book. I was meant to find this book.

Please consider it. I feel validated. I can cry anywhere and don't feel compelled to explain but more importantly I don't have to feel like I am doing anything wrong -- in public!

I wish you the best and send blessings to you and the others on this site.

Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on July 30, 2013 at 6:45pm

Dearest Staci. I am so soooooo sorry for your huge loss! I too lost my beloved last spring, (April 16, 2012). he was my boyfriend / companion for 11 years. I became disabled in the middle so I was afraid to marry him, and now regret that I didnt : (

but you say you feel sad, me too! I have “better days” but those are the days that I can pretend it aint so, or I can block it out and pretend he is still her and will be coming back. It’s so surreal too, isnt it?
I also experience anger, confusiong, deep sadness, loss of interest in life, food, block out freinds, and family and just plain depressed. I even take antidpressants (helps some). 
WHen did you lose your sweetheart? He was your soulmate!!!
I know the feeling. I cannot imainge a new man taking his place, because noone ever could...

but yet the loneliness for him is so horriblle. It’s also unbearable at times how the world goes on around you and you feel noone cares because they dont understand. 
Do you walk or do any physical to help you relieve some of that stress of the loss? I try to walk my dogs nightly for about 20-30 min to help my brain chemicals be better-yet, I feel at times I want to go be with Barry, and actually fantasize that I am with him.

Loss is so horrible and sucks so much!
It also makes me afraid to love again if that ever would happen to me, I cannot imagine it though...but that part of it scares me.

And honey, nothing will ever heal your loss , but I think maybe in time we learn to live with the pain and someohow learn to love them in our heart if not with our mortal body.

I love the passage in the Bible where Paul the Apostle says : Nothing can separate us from the love we feel or nothing can end love; love endures all things. Love is stronger than death. He also says that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing in heaven nor hell, not even death! 

I find comfort in this, i know that I will love Barry and he will always love me...and I hope in time i can leanr to rest in that love and live beyond my carnal expectations of love. but for now, I am a women in deep grief.

Im so so sorry for your loss. Sorry If I sound confusing at times, I feel it!

Blessings, Vee, Colorado 

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on August 6, 2013 at 12:31pm

He was your soul mate and don't let anyone tell you to get over it because you never will.   It is three years for me now and I still feel like you.   I just pray that it won't be long until I join him because nowehere feels right without him.   We were together every single minute -how does anyone get over that.   Don't let yourself be bullied by people who cannot cope with grief.

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on August 7, 2013 at 9:18pm

Staci, you’re only 10 months in, honey hang in there. Remember LOVE last forever!
and that you will always love him

And remember that the only way through grief is THROUGH IT!!

HUGS AND BLESSINGS, Vee, colorado

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on August 11, 2013 at 12:52pm

Hi Staci,

So sorry that you have to be a part of this group, but I am glad you found us. What I have learned over the years, even before I found myself in the position  that gave me the motivation to start this group is that no matter how long it has been, times will come and situations will occur, that will bring back memories and yes, the tears will come. To help you relate from my personal experience, yesterday would have been Kris' 50th birthday, this Saturday coming up (8/17) would have been our 4th anniversary. We have been doing a series at church using recent movies to get to answering spiritual questions. Today the movie was the Disney film "Up". That was the last movie Kris & I saw the Friday before she died. It is one of 3 movies I can never see again because of the memories it brings. They ran the sequence from the start that showed the life of Carl and his wife up through the funeral. Even though it has been 4 years, the tears were in my eyes for the remainder of the service. My advice to you would be know where you are at in your journey, accept it as much as you can and let it help heal you. Not to the extent to where you think you will "forget", you won't and you shouldn't ever want to, but to where you can remember with fondness. I hope this helps some. 

Permalink Reply by janeo on September 3, 2013 at 5:28pm

Steve you are such a remarkable man who himself is going through so much and still here helping others.I can't thank you enough for making this site possible. You helped us in so many ways. Some of us here have no family to speak too. But here we are an extended family and we can speak our minds and what's in our heart with no judgement. Happy Birthday in heaven Kris.

Permalink Reply by Camille on September 6, 2013 at 5:45pm

I lost my husband/soulmate May 27 2012 and I still cry.
I finally started to go through his clothes and the tears just kept coming down. I go to work and out with my friends, but life will never be the same. There is a part of my heart that aches constantly, but everyone keep telling me things will get better. I hope so.

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 7, 2013 at 4:10am

Camille   It is over three years for me now and my heart still aches constantly.   I have not thrown out any of his things including his clothes and am leaving that for my excutors to do (they know about it).   I could not bring myself to do it as each shirt, jacket has a memory.    When I open the wardrobe at the moment, I seldom even glance across at the shirt and jackets etc but a row of empty hangers would crucify me.   Everyone does it differently.    My sister cleared her husbands stuff within a month of his death - I never will.   You do it only when it feels right to you and not because other people think you ought to be doing it.   He was your husband not theirs.    Lets see what they do when it happens to them.   I also can be in a crowd of people but the pain inside is terrible and |I feel totally alone.   We spend every single minute together in the last ten years so I don't know where to go or what to do.   This is a small place and I had been to most places with Morley (my husband) and cannot bear to be there without him.   Everyone takes happiness with their spouse for grant (I  did).   I knew losing him would be very  painful but I didn't know you could have this much pain and still live.    I just want to join him as soon as possible.

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 7, 2013 at 4:17am

Staci   You grief is very new.   It is three years for me and I am still in constant pain and cry every day for my husband.   Let people help you grieve if they are willing though I found most friends disappeared as they could not cope.   Come on this forum and tell us all about your pain.    We have all been there and in fact are still there so we will never tell you to pull yourself together or get over (I had both said to me).   There is no book that tells you how to grieve and everyone grieves differently and for a different time.   One of my friends put everything to do with her husband in a drawer and hasn't opened it since and just refuses to think about it.   I have no idea how she can do that but my grief is out in the open and anyone looking at me sees it (and that is after three years), so take your time and grab any help and sympathy offered.   I am so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on September 7, 2013 at 4:31am

Staci ... I am so sorry you are having such a rough go of it.  What you are going through is very normal and there is no time limit to grief.  We are each different as to how long we grieve.  You may have had to move for a reason, but anyone who thinks they can move to get away from the hurt of grieving and old memories is just bringing their own dark shadows with them.  Grief unfortunately is part of what we are made up of no matter how painful it is.  You can't have a loving relationship with your spouse and just forget about it.  It's painful and they have taken half our soul with them.  Although I don't like the idea of time being the healer it is.  Don't let anyone try to rush you through grief and of course you are not going to enjoy having fun and getting out more to try and forget your spouse and don't be afraid to let your family and friends know that.  Grieving has nothing to do with self pity, but it's a process.  We can lose parents and mourn, but we had our spouses to hold us close, but when we have lost a spouse to death it's intense and comes under the heading of Post Traumatic Stress.

I would like to suggest Staci you get some grief counseling whether it's a one-on-one with a psychologist or a Hospice Group.  You can call your mental health (doesn't mean you are crazy) and ask them for advice as to where you can get the best grief counseling.  Surround yourself with friends that are willing to listen to how you feel, put an arm around and just listen.  Ignore those who are pushing you into a new world without your spouse because you aren't ready for that yet as your grief is too raw.  Take your time and have your cries and lean on us as we'll be here for you.

Big hugs hon (because you need it!)

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Barbara Sullivan on September 21, 2013 at 9:52am

When my husband died, I made only one solid decision -- that I would not make ANY important decisions for at least one year.  I know that some don't have that luxury -- some are faced with life issues, right away.  I have been blessed in having a family that supports me, while admitting that they do not fully understand what I am going through. I thank God for them.

In the past, I have been known as the "strong" person in the family -- calm, cool, collected -- always doing everything "by the book", practical, -- NONE OF THAT HAS BEEN TRUE OF ME SINCE I LOST MY LOVE.

I have been angry and lashed out at those I love.  I have dissolved into helpless tears.  I have been lonely, needy and afraid.  I have been erratic, irrational and, I am sure, irritating to my family.  They forgive me and love me, anyway.

He was my life!  And as hard as it is to bear this loss, I will bear it, because to deny it would be to deny our love for each other.  

No one who has not lost a partner can ever understand the pain we suffer.  I come to this website because I see here a reflection of my own grieving -- and I know I am not alone.  I read the posts of others and see my own feelings, in print, and know that I am not losing my mind.  I am so grateful that I found this place, where I can write out my pain.

Why does everything make me want to cry?  Because, for right now, that's all I have -- tears.  He was my "everything" and he is gone -- and I only have my tears.