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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Latest Conversations: 8 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Joan on July 23, 2011 at 6:02pm
I haven't been on too much lately as I've actually been doing pretty good. But there's lots of people I know who are sick or have died lately. My cousin's boyfriend who she'd been living with for a long time, just died of cancer less than a month ago.  Then just two weeks ago, my ex-husband died.  We had been divorced since 1980 and I only saw him a few times.  The kids loved their dad but would get upset when he wouldn't keep in touch.  They always said it was like he divorced them too.  His third and last wife is a real piece of work.  My daughter came from Vegas and my son from North Dakota and I have one daughter living here.  When they all went to the funeral home, the wife said she didn't have any money to pay for the funeral so my kids had to do that.  His sister was also here and helped out with the costs a lot but still it was done as cheaply as possible.  THEN, he had reached a settlement a number of years ago with a company he worked for and had a large amount of money put in the kids names.  Come to find out, he switched each account over with her as primary.  Now she can take all that money, take my kids names off and add her kids as contingencies or whatever.  Her kids have been in and out of prison, drug using deadbeats who don't ever have a job and she has been supporting them and helping them all along.  They even stole things from my ex and hocked them.  Just 3 months ago they broke the window in his car and stole the radio.  He knows they did it as he found the radio stashed under the kitchen sink.  How he put up with that I'll never know.  He never would have put up with anything  like that with me or our kids.  As I said, my kids loved him, but were treated badly, and they always said my husband who I just lost last year was more like a father to them than their dad had ever been.  I know there is nothing that can be done to help get my kids back any of the money.  We consulted an attorney who said the only way it could be done is to prove he wasn't in his right mind when he did this.  I'm sure she'll never pay the kids back for the funeral.  But she had money to go to the casino the night before his funeral to see an Elvis impersonator.  Two of my kids really could have used some of that money that was supposed to have gone to them. I have just been very upset watching my kids get so hurt like that. I really blame the company he used to invest his money.  I think they should have given him better advice.  But I also know him and he probably didn't listen to them anyway.  Has anyone else had an experience like this and how did you handle it?
Comment by Kathleen Franck on July 23, 2011 at 5:29pm
I don't know where to start, It's been 3 years today when the big bomb fell. The love of my life came home alone from a cat scan and they told him "you have cancer!" I wasn't with him and they told him with out me there....Life has not been the same. Less than 10 months later he was gone. I am still broken. Oh Peter I cannot imagine so many losses. I am so sorry. I feel my heart has been pulled out of me and ripped in half. Your song is so very touching. I am a singer and could not sing any more because of the crying...I am beginning to sing again. I have a list of songs that bring Wade close and I hear him sing to me (even though he was never a singer : )....
You are right that there are beginning to be moments that I remember and smile. Some one here said that things aren't better but they get easier. I can so relate. I have been having so much more "private time" now that the kids are gone and feel like I'm starting over. I know it is easier than it was so I have to thank God for them being here through the roughest time.
Rosemarie, I love your quote..Webbles wobble but they don't fall down....that is me now days and I will use that on myself..Thanks for the encouraging words everyone. No matter how long it has been, the loss is still unbelievable.....Hugs to everyone here. They are rare now days aren't they?
Comment by Rosemarie on July 23, 2011 at 3:35pm
Jo and Debbie right after my husband passed things just kept happening.  My car needed a new starter, I got a flat and had to buy new tires.  My water heater went out. I smelt gas and it turned out I was red tagged and had to replace my whole gas line it was last summer and I showered in cold water for a week.  My toilet overflowed the day of the funeral.  I ended up having to buy a new car because he was a mechanic and I'm not.  So many other things I just took myself into the garage to cry all the time (my kids were here at the time) I just keep saying to myself REALLY? I gave myself pep talks and finally came up with one that just made me laugh and I use it all the time. Does anyone remember the commercial that said Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. Yep thats what I tell myself ALOT.  If I hadnt been on this site I would definitely have thought okay your Crazy. Nope I'm grieving I'm broken hearted sad and lonely and at present just half a person. So lets stay strong for our children and our granbabies PRAY for each other and continue to hold each other up on this site.  HUGS 
Comment by ike saul on July 23, 2011 at 3:30pm
its been 3years 1month 23 days and nothing changes,it seems like yesterday, and im pertty srtong man for almost 80, and i cry every day also.nothing will ever fill the emtyness of being with my wonderful wife of 52 years. i some times wwant to end it all, but then i think of my grand children and children who i see ocasionally,i just cant do that to them,i feel like im in a vacume of lonliness. you are not alone.
Comment by Chicago Beard on July 23, 2011 at 3:01pm

Peter

OMG!!! It is hard enough dealing with the loss of the LOYL let alone children. I admire your strength and fortitude. Be well. You truly know how to LIVE and I am jealous and in awe. Good for you my friend, you give me inspiration.

Comment by Jo Bartoszek on July 23, 2011 at 2:51pm
Carolyn, I had to remove life support from my husband a little over 2 months ago.  I know what a hard decision it is, but in Dave's case, he was technically already gone and I know he would never have wanted to have a machine keep him alive.  He had a brain aneurysm on a Thurs and died on Sat.  It was so sudden and he was always so healthy.  It wish I could tell you when it will get better but I have not gotten to that point yet and feel like it will be a long time. Unfortunately we have to go through the grief and the range of emotions is wide.  Go with them and never let someone tell you how you should feel.  Only you know that.  People that have not gone through this cannot understand the depth of these feelings.  Keep coming back here because everyone here does understand.  Hugs to you.
Comment by Peter on July 23, 2011 at 2:36pm

Carolyn,

   It's 5 months since I lost my wife, almost 5 years since I lost my youngest boy (age 26) 6 years since I lost my grand daughter ( age 8 ) and 14 years since I lost my second youngest boy ( age 19 ). I learned that not a day goes by that I don't think of them and I will love them all until I join them in the afterlife . But each day that  passes I remember a happy time that I shared with them rather than the pain of losing them. Never let anyone tell you how to feel but try to focus on the joy you shared and how lucky you are to have shared those happy times. Eventually you will catch yourself laughing at something and may feel a sense of guilt. You need not feel guilty because a wise man once said without intent to hurt there can be no guilt. That same wise man said that the amount of time we grieve doesn't have to equal the amount of time we loved. Your heart will tell you when to feel and it's OK to feel sad and happy when the feelings arise. I hope these words give you hope and a sense of peace because lord knows I felt like the world fell out from under me more than once. I know now that they are always with me and always will be. I need only close my eyes to see them all.

I'll finish with the lyrics from a song by "Alter Bridge"which inspires me, and always remember we are here when you need us...Pete


"In Loving Memory"

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

 

I carry the things that remind me of you

In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

Ooo's

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me
Comment by Craig Cody on July 23, 2011 at 2:30pm
Carolyn, Im so sorry to hear bout your loss. Thing will get better, though its gonna take long time. I had to remove my partners life support also and it was the hardest thing ive done in my life.  Youre gonna go through alot of feelings.  I was in deep despair not caring if i lived or died for long time.  But you gotta think what your husband wouldve wanted.  Youre gonna be with him again one day but gotta live life like he wouldve wanted.  It took me almost year to get on with life and still not a dau goes bu that i dont think of him and miss him.  I still sit and talk to him everyday.  Its been year and a half for me. But feels like yesterday.  But i can tell ya it gets better. Never good but better.  Things will eventually even out.  Get some counseling if ya need. Know it helped me alot to have someone to talk to. My family wasnt that supportive.  Were here for ya if you need to talk, and you do need to talk. Nothing made me feel better than that. God bless ya, were here for ya. Youve got my prayers.
Comment by Craig Cody on July 23, 2011 at 2:30pm
Carolyn, Im so sorry to hear bout your loss. Thing will get better, though its gonna take long time. I had to remove my partners life support also and it was the hardest thing ive done in my life.  Youre gonna go through alot of feelings.  I was in deep despair not caring if i lived or died for long time.  But you gotta think what your husband wouldve wanted.  Youre gonna be with him again one day but gotta live life like he wouldve wanted.  It took me almost year to get on with life and still not a dau goes bu that i dont think of him and miss him.  I still sit and talk to him everyday.  Its been year and a half for me. But feels like yesterday.  But i can tell ya it gets better. Never good but better.  Things will eventually even out.  Get some counseling if ya need. Know it helped me alot to have someone to talk to. My family wasnt that supportive.  Were here for ya if you need to talk, and you do need to talk. Nothing made me feel better than that. God bless ya, were here for ya. Youve got my prayers.
Comment by Carolyn on July 23, 2011 at 2:18pm
I'm between panic and despair, no, it's both.  How will I do all the things he did?  How will I stay sane without him, in the empty house with one poor lonely dog?
 

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