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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Faking...

Started by Michelle. Last reply by Michelle 1 hour ago. 14 Replies

I feel lost

Started by Kim Henry. Last reply by Michelle 1 hour ago. 9 Replies

Survivor Guilt?

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Comment by Kathleen Franck on February 29, 2012 at 9:56pm

Oh my gosh Vee, Nancy, Denise, Shannon....there is no possible way I could have been interacting on this forum as early as you and so many more who I have been keeping up with here (even if I have just been reading as so many do).... Carol, Marcie, Linda......sheesh!!! I know God allowed me to find this place to vent at the perfect time for me....Still it was at the 2 year mark! I was so very fragile that I sank into a place I wanted to dissappear. My kids living with me (3 years!)..... I'm sure Gods plan to keep me from complete "hermetness". I kept busy and "helped" them get through their rough times....(unemployment and grief) Though I was almost unreachable. I still keep others at arms length and I know to talk to all of you keeps me from sinking into a hole of self pity. There are few who understand but those who live it! Nancy I think if I had been diagnosed so quickly after Wades death I would have crawled into a hole and stopped caring. You are so much stronger than you know! MY double mastectomy was Oct 11. So I had a couple of years after Wades death to get my balance.....As teetery as it has been....

I don't think I will ever awake being used to Wades absence....but it has become easier....all being relative.... loneliness, loss of direction, I guess it's all temporary??? Who am I is the big question..... Life does go on and the emotional storms less frequent....I thank God for all of you wishing you ....and I ....did not have to be here.

I have lived my life always allowing someone else to make decisions for me and now I am on my own.....Scary yet I'm sure purposful in Gods plans......I pray earnestly for each of you my friends who are facing this life without your support....your guarantee of acceptance! I pray we will all see Gods plan clearly....peace and comfort to each of you.........

Comment by nancy on February 29, 2012 at 9:14pm

Kathleen, I'm glad to see that you are still going forward. You give me hope. I lost John in Sept., was diagnosed with breast cancer in Jan., had a double mastectomy Feb. 1, and start chemo. the end of March and reconstructive surgery after that. The distraction of the diagnosis was great for about a month. Now I go to bed and can't believe he's not there and when I wake up in the morning I still can't believe it. I definitely feel like I am back to that first week. Shock and disbelief daily!

I am going through this without the only man I have ever loved. And like so many of you, he taught me what real love is and showed me how to love and accept his love with all my heart. Now more things coming up beyond my control. Things my husband would have been in charge of. I miss him so much it hurts.

Where the heck's my bat!

Prayers and hugs for us all.

Comment by denise french on February 29, 2012 at 9:07pm

hello everyone...i've not posted for about a week because i felt so bad.  it has just gotten progressively worse.  tomorrow is six weeks without charles and i feel as bad today as i did six weeks ago.  i just seem to lose it at the drop of a pin.  i had an alarm system put in this weekend and that truly brought it home that i am now all alone.

i apologize for not having kept up with everyone's posts, but reading tonight it appears that we have all been on the same roller coaster for the past week.

sometimes i'm just not sure i should write ... everyone else is so eloquent in their emotions and writings.  i just feel so inadequate and that is not normally like me.  at the same time i realize that nothing will ever be the "old" normal again.

my daughter-in-law finally convinced my son to go into therapy.  he has been holding his grief in to be strong for her and the children, but it is affecting their relationship.  i am so proud of him for accepting the fact that he needs someone to talk to and release his most intimate feelings to.

i will sign off now but please know that everyone is in my prayers, even when i've not been reading or posting.  hugs to all.

 

Comment by Vee on February 29, 2012 at 8:29pm

Kathleen, what can I say except you put your finger on how I feel.  I haven't felt this special in a long time.  Your words brought tears to my eyes.  Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.  We were so blessed to have been allowed to have a time and place in God's universe to have shared so much with people as great as these men.  From what I've read in this discussion, we were not alone.  I wish the larger public could see what is being written here.  We're always hearing people talking about the demise of marriage and good relatioonships.  Well, the folks in this discussion must all be the exception.  I thank you so much for your comments.

 

Nancy, yes, we are all struggling this week, at least I know I am.  This week feels like it's putting me back at square one, but at least we are all blessed to be contributing and giving prayer and comfort to each other.  Thank you.  Continue to pray for me as I will continue to pray for all of us. 

 

Blessings to all!

Comment by nancy on February 29, 2012 at 2:25pm

Yup...it just keeps getting more difficult as the week goes on. I'm praying hard for everyone here. We will all get through this.And when all of our trials are over...we will be golden and in a beautiful place with our loves!! Hugs to all. We need them this week!!!

Comment by Kathleen Franck on February 29, 2012 at 12:39pm

Vee, I can relate to your story so very much. I did not lose a parent but I was one of 7 children. Lost in the suffle. Very strict and abusive. I know 7 kids are a burden but we were just children. My Mom had been abused as a child so she had a warped perception of how to parent. My Dad was a hard worker but felt all of his hard work deserved rewards. (like new cars, guns for hunting etc.) We barely had the clothes we needed to live and were hungry when public assistance would have provided lunch at school. (they were to proud to accept help) All this to say I learned to not trust anyone and how to protect myself from the possibility of getting hurt. God was my only refuge. When Wade came along he listened to me and taught me how to love. He was my hero. He said many times he wished that I could have had a Daddy like himself. I was a individual not one of many. I was a priority and cherished. While he was sick he said how unfair it was for him to be dying and leaving me after I had such a horrible childhood. Here HE was the one dying.

What a huge chance I took to love because I was so protective of my heart. Though this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life though I am cut in half and heart broken by the loss of my precious husband. I thank God that I was given a man to hold my hand and lead me out of the unhappy life that I was accustomed to. He gave me joy and adventure. He showed me that life was our oyster.

I am in a place of identity crisis still...who am I without Wade? He was a engineer, I was a stay at home mom. I am 53. It will be 3 years since he's left in May. I have gone through breast cancer(found in August2011) reconstruction (last surgery in Jan)and feel grateful for Gods hand in caring for me through it all. I still cry desprarately at times but normal is closer than it used to be. Still waiting for Gods directing and hope life can start again soon. Wade was the only man I have been with and we met when I was 18.

Vee we had exceptional men in our lives who saw the hurting little girl inside of us and I feel God salvaged more than just my life but the lives of the children I would have. He also showed me how to parent and we have 3 wonderful children that to know them is to love them.

I have no doubt that God is in control and marks the paths to our lives. I have shared before that I was concieved on the very day that Wade was born! If God can plan that far in advance for that little baby to have me as his wife I know I must trust that he is still in control and he will show me the way from this point forward.

My heart breaks for all of you here dealing with this monster "Grief" but to all things there is a time and a season...even if we fight against it and we hate it!

My God wrap his loving arms around each of you and give comfort not only in the darkest nights but also in the times that are meant to be joyful..... that we can see and feel joy again....Hugs, hugs, HUGS!!!!

Comment by Vee on February 29, 2012 at 9:38am

Julie, thank you for the warm words.  I know what you and Shannon and others are going through.  It is so devastating to lose Lawrence, because he was the first and only man that ever confronted me that the reason I used work as an excuse to put up a barrier and not let any man close enough to form a permanent bond was because of the grief I had locked up about daddy's death and anger.  It nearly shocked me down to my shoes, and I vowed to never speak to him again, but I was already in too deep; I loved him and he wouldn't let me run away from it.

 

He talked to me and listened, mostly listened as I rambled on about how all my other siblings had the benefit of two parents.  Why was it that I had only one?  He let me express my anger, my rage, my feelings that somehow I must have done something wrong for this to have happened.  He just held me and loved me in spite of myself.

 

He didn't tell me it was irrational, because he knew I was feeling this. So, no matter how irrational, it was what I was feeling.  He let me unburden over 30 years of pain that had been locked up inside of me, because I felt that if I let it out it would hurt my mother, that it might be more than my mom could take. 

 

Well, it was actually more than I could take or should have taken.  This pain was like a splinter in one's foot.  It was festering and destroying my ability to fully love and be happy.  I wasn't even aware of it.  Lawrence had insight into me, even though he wasn't a psychologist but a caring teacher.  He saw the hurting, grieving little girl and knew he would never have the woman he wanted and loved unless I was freed from my self-imposed prison of grief and shame.

 

Yes, there was shame, because I felt--wrongfully so--that I shouldn't have these feelings, that it was stupid.  It had been so long since it happened, how could I tell anyone now that I still hurt.  People would think I was crazy, but he didn't.  He loved me enough to look beyond my faults and see my need.

 

Now I have lost Lawrence, the love of my life, and I've learned.  I am so lonely sometimes I think I will lose my mind.  I am so sad that it seems nothing can ease the sadness.  This was a man who loved me--not what I did for a living, not who I should be or could be, but he loved me, warts and all.  My fear is, Where do I turn now?  I have all this love that he taught me to show, and now what do I do?  I struggle so hard just to get from one minute to the next, one hour to the next, one day to the next.  But I know that I have to let myself feel the pain.  I've learned from this man, and what I've learned is as long as you're alive you have to believe that there will be a better day.

 

I thank all of you for listening to my ramblings.  I pray for all of us daily.  Death is the cruelest knock on our doors.  Its finality kills, steals, and destroys.  I ask God to help us all find our way out of this darkness.

 

Blessings and hugs.

Comment by Tatjana Kowand on February 29, 2012 at 9:37am

Thank you Julie, Diane...and everyone...yes, first breathe, deep breath in and long, slow exhale...today is 10 weeks since Michael's passing and I simply can't believe that he is not coming back, that it has been so long already, that it feels like last week, instead. I am strong and capable, as we all are, but there are simply moments that we all fall apart for whatever reason and no clear reason at all, other than this is the Journey of Grief. I walked beside Michael on hi Journey with Cancer and now this is my Journey, our Journey and it is, unfortunately, a part of this Circle of Life.

it is just sad how the death of a loved one can cause some people to create such drama for us...sometimes it is because of their own grief and sometimes they aren't grieving for that person at all, but needing to create painful issues to make themselves the center of attention. 

Has anyone else here had to deal with family or friends that suddenly became cold, distant, cruel, etc?

God Bless you all today and every day...Hugs to you!

Comment by Diane Marante McDonough on February 29, 2012 at 8:00am

I lived through two more firsts, the 8 month mark and his birthday.  I thought I sailed through them until yesterday when the shoe dropped.  I cried and layed on the couch all day.  I guess I needed it so I gave into the pain, let it out and then watched The Waltons and Little House on the Praire all day long.

I hated the first time I was confronted with the "widow" box also, it does seem inconcievable to me as well.  How do we go on without our soul mates.  This is the hardest journey I have ever NOT wanted to be on.

Comment by Jane P. on February 29, 2012 at 5:47am

Barbara, You not  only can have my prayers but I offer you my feet and legs to help you walk through this, my ears to listen to you when you need to talk, my arms to put big hugs around you, my shoulder to cry on but most of all I give you my friendship to listen  unconditionally when you need it the most. Hugs, Jane P.

 

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