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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Comment by nancy on February 29, 2012 at 2:25pm

Yup...it just keeps getting more difficult as the week goes on. I'm praying hard for everyone here. We will all get through this.And when all of our trials are over...we will be golden and in a beautiful place with our loves!! Hugs to all. We need them this week!!!

Comment by Kathleen Franck on February 29, 2012 at 12:39pm

Vee, I can relate to your story so very much. I did not lose a parent but I was one of 7 children. Lost in the suffle. Very strict and abusive. I know 7 kids are a burden but we were just children. My Mom had been abused as a child so she had a warped perception of how to parent. My Dad was a hard worker but felt all of his hard work deserved rewards. (like new cars, guns for hunting etc.) We barely had the clothes we needed to live and were hungry when public assistance would have provided lunch at school. (they were to proud to accept help) All this to say I learned to not trust anyone and how to protect myself from the possibility of getting hurt. God was my only refuge. When Wade came along he listened to me and taught me how to love. He was my hero. He said many times he wished that I could have had a Daddy like himself. I was a individual not one of many. I was a priority and cherished. While he was sick he said how unfair it was for him to be dying and leaving me after I had such a horrible childhood. Here HE was the one dying.

What a huge chance I took to love because I was so protective of my heart. Though this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life though I am cut in half and heart broken by the loss of my precious husband. I thank God that I was given a man to hold my hand and lead me out of the unhappy life that I was accustomed to. He gave me joy and adventure. He showed me that life was our oyster.

I am in a place of identity crisis still...who am I without Wade? He was a engineer, I was a stay at home mom. I am 53. It will be 3 years since he's left in May. I have gone through breast cancer(found in August2011) reconstruction (last surgery in Jan)and feel grateful for Gods hand in caring for me through it all. I still cry desprarately at times but normal is closer than it used to be. Still waiting for Gods directing and hope life can start again soon. Wade was the only man I have been with and we met when I was 18.

Vee we had exceptional men in our lives who saw the hurting little girl inside of us and I feel God salvaged more than just my life but the lives of the children I would have. He also showed me how to parent and we have 3 wonderful children that to know them is to love them.

I have no doubt that God is in control and marks the paths to our lives. I have shared before that I was concieved on the very day that Wade was born! If God can plan that far in advance for that little baby to have me as his wife I know I must trust that he is still in control and he will show me the way from this point forward.

My heart breaks for all of you here dealing with this monster "Grief" but to all things there is a time and a season...even if we fight against it and we hate it!

My God wrap his loving arms around each of you and give comfort not only in the darkest nights but also in the times that are meant to be joyful..... that we can see and feel joy again....Hugs, hugs, HUGS!!!!

Comment by Vee on February 29, 2012 at 9:38am

Julie, thank you for the warm words.  I know what you and Shannon and others are going through.  It is so devastating to lose Lawrence, because he was the first and only man that ever confronted me that the reason I used work as an excuse to put up a barrier and not let any man close enough to form a permanent bond was because of the grief I had locked up about daddy's death and anger.  It nearly shocked me down to my shoes, and I vowed to never speak to him again, but I was already in too deep; I loved him and he wouldn't let me run away from it.

 

He talked to me and listened, mostly listened as I rambled on about how all my other siblings had the benefit of two parents.  Why was it that I had only one?  He let me express my anger, my rage, my feelings that somehow I must have done something wrong for this to have happened.  He just held me and loved me in spite of myself.

 

He didn't tell me it was irrational, because he knew I was feeling this. So, no matter how irrational, it was what I was feeling.  He let me unburden over 30 years of pain that had been locked up inside of me, because I felt that if I let it out it would hurt my mother, that it might be more than my mom could take. 

 

Well, it was actually more than I could take or should have taken.  This pain was like a splinter in one's foot.  It was festering and destroying my ability to fully love and be happy.  I wasn't even aware of it.  Lawrence had insight into me, even though he wasn't a psychologist but a caring teacher.  He saw the hurting, grieving little girl and knew he would never have the woman he wanted and loved unless I was freed from my self-imposed prison of grief and shame.

 

Yes, there was shame, because I felt--wrongfully so--that I shouldn't have these feelings, that it was stupid.  It had been so long since it happened, how could I tell anyone now that I still hurt.  People would think I was crazy, but he didn't.  He loved me enough to look beyond my faults and see my need.

 

Now I have lost Lawrence, the love of my life, and I've learned.  I am so lonely sometimes I think I will lose my mind.  I am so sad that it seems nothing can ease the sadness.  This was a man who loved me--not what I did for a living, not who I should be or could be, but he loved me, warts and all.  My fear is, Where do I turn now?  I have all this love that he taught me to show, and now what do I do?  I struggle so hard just to get from one minute to the next, one hour to the next, one day to the next.  But I know that I have to let myself feel the pain.  I've learned from this man, and what I've learned is as long as you're alive you have to believe that there will be a better day.

 

I thank all of you for listening to my ramblings.  I pray for all of us daily.  Death is the cruelest knock on our doors.  Its finality kills, steals, and destroys.  I ask God to help us all find our way out of this darkness.

 

Blessings and hugs.

Comment by Tatjana Kowand on February 29, 2012 at 9:37am

Thank you Julie, Diane...and everyone...yes, first breathe, deep breath in and long, slow exhale...today is 10 weeks since Michael's passing and I simply can't believe that he is not coming back, that it has been so long already, that it feels like last week, instead. I am strong and capable, as we all are, but there are simply moments that we all fall apart for whatever reason and no clear reason at all, other than this is the Journey of Grief. I walked beside Michael on hi Journey with Cancer and now this is my Journey, our Journey and it is, unfortunately, a part of this Circle of Life.

it is just sad how the death of a loved one can cause some people to create such drama for us...sometimes it is because of their own grief and sometimes they aren't grieving for that person at all, but needing to create painful issues to make themselves the center of attention. 

Has anyone else here had to deal with family or friends that suddenly became cold, distant, cruel, etc?

God Bless you all today and every day...Hugs to you!

Comment by Diane Marante McDonough on February 29, 2012 at 8:00am

I lived through two more firsts, the 8 month mark and his birthday.  I thought I sailed through them until yesterday when the shoe dropped.  I cried and layed on the couch all day.  I guess I needed it so I gave into the pain, let it out and then watched The Waltons and Little House on the Praire all day long.

I hated the first time I was confronted with the "widow" box also, it does seem inconcievable to me as well.  How do we go on without our soul mates.  This is the hardest journey I have ever NOT wanted to be on.

Comment by Jane P. on February 29, 2012 at 5:47am

Barbara, You not  only can have my prayers but I offer you my feet and legs to help you walk through this, my ears to listen to you when you need to talk, my arms to put big hugs around you, my shoulder to cry on but most of all I give you my friendship to listen  unconditionally when you need it the most. Hugs, Jane P.

Comment by Julie Stearns on February 28, 2012 at 11:19pm

Nicole, I am 48 years old and have never been with anyone except my husband of 32 years and I have recently joined eharmony just to see what it might feel like to have another man interested.  Ihave been with this man since I was 15 so I have no clue how to even day or if I am even wanting to...the site take up lonely time in the evenings.  Hugs my friend we will do this we are in this together.

Comment by Julie Stearns on February 28, 2012 at 11:05pm

Ladies, I wanted to share this with you so as to maybe help you explain the tears to your children,  after losing my son, all I did was cry and my daugher began to feel alienated.  I told her the tears were healing my soul and that one day, some day, Iwould be OK.  unfortunately it took over 2 years and she said to me one day. Mom, "I am still here" don't you love me as much as Kyle"  I guess what I am saying is OMG how we miss our spouses but don't let the ones with you on this earthy plain slip into the pain, I lost the last 5 years of my husbands life because I was so distraught by kyles's passing... Life can always get worse. hold on to those you love today!!!!

Comment by Julie Stearns on February 28, 2012 at 10:56pm

Vee, I am sure it took great strength to share with the group the loss of your dad, You are an incredible lady and you should be proud of the woman you have become!  Hugs and Love

Comment by Julie Stearns on February 28, 2012 at 10:51pm

Barbara, Prayers are on their way!!! I am so sorry for the panic attack, and all of the pain you are going through, but my dear look for the good somewhere there has to be a glimmer of good in the world, when things seem darkest...God is there!

 

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