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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Comment by betsy toombs on March 7, 2012 at 9:29am

Maggie

I know what you mean about being alone. I hate coming home to a empty house. I do have a older cat-15. I decided to get a dog, she was a yr old.

Things were fine til i moved. Then she just kind of lost it. I work 2 jobs so i am not home that much, (one during the week and 1 on the weekend at target. I also go to hockey games, a bible class, a support group. Anyway you get the picture. I came home and she had put a couple holes in my walls.She was in a sunroom with all her toys.  Then i put her in the  laundry room finished and carpeted. She put holes in that wall. I had someone fix and paint there and she put in more holes!. Then she started doing her business in whatever room i put her in.

Sorry this is so long but i had to give her to someone else and now it is just the cat and I again. I know it is for the best, but it was so much work cleaning up after her when i came home from work and she was ruining the house i only had for a few months.

  

Comment by MaggieP on March 7, 2012 at 8:35am

Debra, you are on the right path.  It takes time, and going through this is the most difficult thing for you right now.  Perhaps you are looking too hard, and wanting it too much.  I felt the same way after Dave died.  Others were getting signs, and I was getting nothing.  I thought that there must be something wrong with me.  I knew that we had a wonderful relationship, and were extremely happy with each other.  I wondered if he had reconnected with his second wife, and forgot all about me.  It was very difficult.  Then, I decided it just was not going to happen for me and quit looking for it and wishing for it.  I just accepted that it would not happen.  Eventually, it did happen when I least expected it.  It was often for a while, and real intense on my birthday.  Then, it started fading away.  Every once in a while, I feel/smell his presense, and I lean into it and smile, and it is gone.  One lady wrote that a bird came and sat in a tree by her house and sang every morning.  She had never seen the bird before and was comforted to think it was her daughter.  Another woman on this site, talked about cloud shapes, and knew it was a message from her husband.  People talk about finding dimes, pennies, dollars on the ground, and that they are put there by their lost ones. I think the signs can be so subtle, that it is very easy to overlook them.  The fact that you have not received a sign from him does not mean that you never will.  Either he is not ready to send them, or you are not ready to receive them.  Whatever the reason, don't think that you are not worthy of receiving them you just aren't ready yet.   

We all want it so badly, because it is so difficult to be left behind.  Keep working your way through this terrible grief.  Look for some positive things in your life.  Little things like a sunny day, a new flower emerging, a starry night.  They can bring you a moment of joy, and every thing builds up and helps fill that big gap in your life.  Have Courage!  Hugs to you Debra!

Comment by debra l. johnson on March 7, 2012 at 8:13am

Is There something wrong with me? I Haven't heard or seen or anything from Curt! I Miss him so very much!  I Would love to see or hear or anything ? But I Havent! I Stopped to see him & talk to him yesterday! I Just Broke down! Maybe Iam Mad? I Just don't know! My Dr. said that maybe I need to want to start Living again? But Iam Just @ a Loss as to what that mean's anymore? Iam Not sure what to do?

Comment by MaggieP on March 7, 2012 at 5:03am
Debbie, I too had never been alone until Dave died. It was scary. I have learned that I can do it. I got two cats after being alone for two months. They sort of greet me when I come home. Well they are cats. I don't have dentures, but I am in my sixties.I have two adult sons, but they live in different states. Visiting is not easy because I work and live on a very tight budget right now. I have become active in my church, and attend school functions to support the children of my friends. I am involved on outside groups too. It keeps me very busy in the evening. I still have to come home alone at the end of the day.
We can do this, because we have to. Hugs to all!
Comment by Vee on March 6, 2012 at 11:01pm

Debbie, my goodness, you are not old!  I have an elderly cousin that got married last year at age 89 to a 79-year-old man after being widowed for over 20 years.  She has dentures, too.  Life is not over for you, if you don't want it to be.  I am not ready to even contemplate such.  But if you are lonely, then you should be careful but open yourself up to finding love again.  It's not about age; it's about attitude.

 

Even during our marriage, men would hit on me as I'm sure women hit on Lawrence.  That is as far as it went.  We were happy with each other, and we valued our relationship too much to mess it up.  Just keep living your life and what God has for you he has for you.

 

Shannon, I've heard people say that you can tell them to go to the light, and they will move on to the next phase.  But you should also know that I have heard when you are in need or on special days they do return.  So, while Mike is busy, you keep busy living, too.  You'll hear from him again in the future.  But you have to be careful.  It could be that Mike was appearing too often, and maybe it was believed that you were not able to adjust and move on, so he's only gone for a while.  I hope that's the case.  This is true for me, too, we can't live a life with them anymore, because they are not a part of this natural world, and we have to adjust.  If they could come to us every time we asked, it would be as if they were still in this world.  There is a scripturer in the "Bible" that says, "What hath the living to do with the dead?"  I think that may explain why Mike had to go, but he is a part of you and he will be back.

 

I believe as much as you want Mike to be a part of this natural world he can't be.  As much as I want Lawrence to be part of this natural world again, he can't be, either.  I've got to find a way to move on and live.  He's got to find a way to move on, too.  I believe that one day we all will be rejoined with our loved ones. 

 

Blessings and hugs friends.  May God above help us to learn to live around our grief and find away to continue life in memory of our dear Loved ones. 

Comment by Julie Stearns on March 6, 2012 at 9:58pm

Friends, the signs will come or theyare already there.  you know the initials RIP...they are not resting they have a multitude of task to accomplish or lives to live.  The send us signs when they know we truly need them, It is not going to be an everyday occurance.  I have received numerous signs from Kyle but his has been in heaven 6 years almost.  Jim I have gotten 3 signs from and he has been gone 3 months...Prayers, hope and love...we keep our loved ones near, but not everyday, they still have task to accomplish for the big guy...I don't mean santa...LOL

Comment by debra l. johnson on March 6, 2012 at 9:44pm

My Going to the therpest, told me I Have the saddest face he has ever seen! & I couldn't say he was wrong! But What I Did Fianally did say was Both of my parent's where Alcholics, & We had no car, & Had to walk everywhere even to the grocery store & pushing the cart home Iam the oldest out of 10 kid's, so when I turned 17 I Married the first man who asked me to! Joe had he had a 2yr old son when we got married, So I Tease him he only needed a babysitter! & I wanted away to get of of my mom & Dad's house! & We didn't have any sex before we got married! But he was so up set about something befroe we did get married & I bug him until he told me! The Big secert was he had dentenure's which I though was funny! But We Did Fall in Love & Had 3 daughter's & We were married for over 23 year's when we found out he had Cancer! & Lived a Whole 9 month's! But I we still had a girl @ home! So Then I had to take care of her! & Then I Met Curt he was so different than any man I had ever met he was so gentel, & Kind, & Made me laugh every day! & I Do Mean every day! and we knew each other for almost 3 year's before we got married! & We were married for 10 year's and now I have denture's! Iam also so much older now! To old to ever meet anyone! But Iam So Lonley That who would want a very sad lady when denture's @ the age of 56! But Thu this whole Thing My Point is I have Never been alone! Not ever! & I dont know how to fix that?

 

Comment by Shannon on March 6, 2012 at 5:00pm
Debbie, let me explain what I went through I have been praying that God would allow Mike to send me a sign and from everything knave read it says if your in a state that is really bad or your in fear the sign won't come mine didn't until this past week and Mike passed away 9 weeks and 2 days ago. I cry everyday and I'm sure that will continue, I am trying to do one thing for me everyday just for me weather it be to relax in my pjs an watch tv or go on the web or even just anise cup of hot coco just something for me time to think about nothing but good memories and I try to smile when I think of something that is good and count the smiles I had for the day. It is helping..

I have been reading that the soul watches over us and they feel our pain but they are unable to help us it is only when were ready to help ourselves that the signs will come, I started to try an be what ever one calls normal and last week on Sunday I walked into my living room and it was like walking into a flower shop it smelled of fresh roses which he loved to buy me, I also heard songs the same one over and over on Diffent channels which was one of his favorites after asking him for a sign.. I told him Sunday after all these wonderful things happened that it was okay to cross over that I will be okay.. But what came next broke my heart all over again I was reading and falling asleep in that half way state and I heard in my head not in my ear it was like the only way to explain it was telepathic and he said "I have to go" I jumped and looked around cause it was his voice in a very soft tone but not quit a whisper. On my way to work I asked for another sign on the radio if what I heard was correct and there it was the song he has been playing for me, on my way home and at lunch I asked for another sign but I got nothing.. When ever I asked he would play this song never failed.. Now I'm more sad than before because I feel he is gone andi want to say I was kidding I'm not okay come back.. I fear it's to late and I know he needs to finish his journey but I wasn't ready to let him go not 9 weeks and 2 days ago and surely not now.

Debbie you will get your sign just have faith it will come... Many hugs to you sweetie I will say an extra prayer for you tonight.
Comment by debra l. johnson on March 6, 2012 at 8:13am

Bruce I Love that Song It is Beatiful! Iam so Lonley here! & Trying to pay all the bill's on time are driving me crazy! I Dont know how my husband did it? But I also Lost so much money when passed away! & Now Iam Getting mad @ Him! But Then I feel so guility! Iam @ a Loss ? What do ya'll do, or How do we go on? What comes next? I Cant take care of me? I Still cant eat Very Much, My Kid's are all grown & My Grandkid's are almost grown! And Iam on a Fixed Income & Disabled! My own Therpist tell's me that I Look so Sad? I don't even know what that means? How am I suppose to Look! I Belive in God! & I Try To do the best I can? I Need to Find a Church? But I sometimes Think That The Lord might be mad @ Me? Or Maybe I done something so Wrong He can't forgive me! He has Taken Both of My Husband's To Be With Him in Heaven! But He left me behind, A Sad old lonely woman! And Everyone tell's me it just take time to heal! I Hate that word! Iam Just Lost, & Really dont know what to do? But This site is good for me some day's I comment! But Iam Trying to learn how to go on, & some how  Not to Look so SAD! I Pray That Curt would give me a sign, That he is OK, or That I will be ok? I Just dont know, Any Help from anyone would help me a Lot! My Prayer's Go Out to everyone on this site! And I Thank You For any Feed Back & Help! Have a Blessed Day! Debbie

Comment by Shannon on March 5, 2012 at 9:06pm
Bruce, I was thinking of looking on eBay I have seen them in the stores and there a bit expensive. I do love the iPad though I told Mike that it was the best item we ever won it came with $500.00 (5 - 100 bills) attached to the iPad he handed me the iPad and he pocketed the 500.00 when we got home he played on it more than me :) it is a great gadget..I lay in my room watch tv and have my iPad instead of my laptop.. I am going to check out the key board though i think it would be better than the screen.
 

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