Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Facing a birthday, hoilday season alone and frightened

Started by Charles E. Nelson. Last reply by Trina Mamoon Feb 3. 32 Replies

Hard days

Started by Gretchen Goldhammer. Last reply by Marsha H Dec 10, 2015. 3 Replies

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Comment by Vee on March 30, 2012 at 2:39pm

To all of you who are suffering as I am, you're in my prayers.  Weekends used to be our favorite time of the week.  We focused on each other, giggled and laughed a lot, held hands on long rides, and just generally loved each other.  When we went to a restaurant, we were in our own private world.  We'd go to the movies and I'd lay my head on his shoulders or hold his hand. 


I know Lawrence's presence is around me, the loved of all my departed family and friends, as well as God's love is all around me 24/7.  With all that, I know that the loneliness has to abate at some point.  I am doing all that I can to be ready when the Lord helps me to overcome this pain and emotional suffering.


I know that right now it's like I'm in purgatory or hell, but I have to believe that my dear love didn't just go into nothingness, but into the arms of a God who cares.  I am forcing myself to let people in.  I've acquired some new friends, since Lawrence's classmates have decided to take me under his wings.  I have to let people in.  I have to put myself in areas where I'll meet new people.  I don't know, folks, what the answer is.  But if there is an answer, I'm determined to find it.


I continue to struggle, but I also continue to pray for you all as I pray for myself. 


Blessings and peace and hugs!

Comment by Julie Stearns on March 30, 2012 at 2:35pm

Tatjana, when our son passed I could tell you for the first year how many minutes he has been gone from my life...Now it is only months. He left for heaven june 19, 2006 on fathers day. I can now breath,    my point is as time goes you realize just because it happend on a day or date you have to honor them and help you daughter to see this  buy flowers on these bad days,  I weed when I am really hurting as it helps me to be angry at the ground, but then somegthing beautiful comes out of it.  As she sees you be ok she will be ok.  I am so verysorry for all of your pain and the loss you have endured.

Comment by Julie Stearns on March 30, 2012 at 2:28pm

Vee, I will try the tea and the honey as I am not sleeping either. I am still awake until 4 or 5 am then sleep until 10 or 11 am. Never have i done this...I have always been agood sleeper. hugs my friend and thank you so much.

Comment by Julie Stearns on March 30, 2012 at 2:24pm

Debra, that is where you have to find yourself,  I realized the other day I want to take floral arranging classes,  I forgot I wanted to to do  that.  In the fall I am going back to school,  I had to drop out when my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic renal cell carcinoma. But I was going for  LPN now I am changing to RN so willhave to work especially hard. much love and many hugs..Think about the things that you might like to do the world is your oyster asthey say!

Comment by Julie Stearns on March 30, 2012 at 2:20pm

Adrienne, I love this post, it says so much of the thing i think of daily. I am so sorry for your pain.  We will all help other to come out scard, yet stronger for having these special people in our lives.  Hugs Julie

Comment by Adrienne Gruberg on March 30, 2012 at 1:16pm

Gail -

I can totally relate to your post. Last Monday was a year since my beloved Steve lost his battle with lung cancer. He was diagnosed in 2005. A six year battle with a couple of good years in between. We lived together for 26 years and were married for 5 1/2. I guess he had to be sure! The couple of good years were unfortunately not enjoyed by us since his mother moved in with us (at 90) with lymphoma and I was caregiving two cancer patients. Thankfully, after a 2 1/2 year battle, she passed before he did. That would have been too much for anyone to bear. But after caring for two and then one, with total commitment and intensity, their passing has left me both empty and full.

I don't know if time will heal the feelings. I know I did everything I could and have absolutely no regrets. The emptiness lingers. He is everywhere. I got a dog after he passed, and she has saved my life. I waited two months to make sure I wanted the responsibility, and she is the best companion.

Steve and I were connected at the hip, both before and after his diagnosis. What keeps me going is knowing that I had something so special, so amazingly unique, that having had him in my life is enough. But missing is too weak a word.

I knew while he was waning what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and I am now building a website for other caregivers. We are the invisible patients. I don't think the one year anniversary of his death would have been even vaguely bearable had I not begun this new work.

I think you'll find that writing is cleansing and soothing. I feel Steve with me constantly, but never more than when I'm writing.

Try to take some comfort in the fact that you have something wonderful to grieve for. You had that special connection. No one can take that from you. Jean is no longer suffering. The disease can't hurt her anymore - so she won the battle.I find comfort in that too.

Comment by betsy toombs on March 30, 2012 at 9:48am

Hi Debra

I know just what you mean. I am lonely also. It has been 1 1/2 yrs since my husband of 32 yrs died. Last fall i moved into a new house(i just couldn't handle being in the old one)November of 2011

I might just as well be all alone, my sister or brother haven't been here yet.(what is left of my family) My daughter lives a hr away and hasn't been here except to get Xmas presents and my son is an alcoholic who doesn't do anything  unless it helps him.

I thank God for my 2 jobs because i would have lost it long ago if not for them. I still don't know where i am going or what i want to do with the rest of my life!

Weekens are the hardest because everyone is couples doing something.

I go to a support group which is really helpful and a therapist

Comment by debra l. johnson on March 30, 2012 at 9:34am

Good Moring to all!  Iam So Very Lonly I Just about can't stand! & Have no clue even how to Start? After losing 2 husband's By My Age of 57 is so AwefulAfter Losing Curt! Iam @ a Loss of word's or Thing's to make me get out of this self pity, depression!All My Kid's & His are grown! & It's seem's Like the empty nest symdrom is start all over again! Iam Glad I Dont Drink! But Iam so lonley & Loss! I dont belong to anyone! First Time in my Life No Single Friend's ! Iam No One's wife! & N

Comment by Vee on March 30, 2012 at 9:03am

I did find something that did help me with the insomnia in "Woman's World (April 2, 2012 issue)," a grocery store checkout magazine.  Honey is a natural sedative that triggers tryptophan in the brain and prevents the release of cortisol, a stress hormone.  It soothes your muscles, and helps us to unwind and also can prevent leg cramps.  The article says you can take a spoonful of honey before bed.  To induce calm, drug-free sleep add it to a cup of tea or milk.  Be careful if you're allergic to bee stings or you're diabetic; check your blood sugar, if you are, to make sure your sugar is not too high.  I like to get a brand that has the honeycomb in it.


The second thing I saw was getting a box of passionflower tea.  It causes a sedative effect within minutes and eases anxiety.  If you get it loose, it says to steep 1 tsp. of the dried herb in one cup of water and strain.  I use tea balls.  They suggest that you can also buy it in bags from some healthfood stores.  


I'm trying these now, and this week it has helped me to get some rest.  The rest has helped to clear my mind some.  My body needs rest.  My disclaimer is I still miss Lawrence.  But with a good nights sleep I'm able to get through my days and not feel so physically drained.  It does not end the grief/mourning or the struggle, but it does help me as a person.  Do with it what you will, but I thought I'd share it.


Blessings and hugs all! 

Comment by Vee on March 30, 2012 at 8:49am

Tatjana, thank you.  I'll keep that in mind on Sundays.  See, I learn new strategies from every one of the posts.  I will definitely try yours, because every Saturday evening I dread Sunday, a day I used to love.  You are two weeks ahead of me.


I welcome great strategies such as Tatjana's.  I try to learn something by reading and rereading these posts; they are truly my lifeline.  Hopefully, this will help me make a few more stitches on my new life garment, Tatjana.  One day I'll have a new garment to slip on, and I'll be able to fully rejoin the living, but I'll never forget that old garment, I couldn't possibly, because that garment meant so much to me as did my beloved Lawrence.


Blessings, peace, and the power to move forward to all of us!


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