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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Newly Bereaved

Started by Dorothy Facciponte. Last reply by Theresa Wimann 23 hours ago. 25 Replies

Depression or grief?

Started by Theresa Wimann. Last reply by Theresa Wimann Jun 14. 13 Replies

Survivor Guilt?

Started by Vickie. Last reply by Petal Watson May 26. 4 Replies

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Comment by Vee on April 2, 2012 at 8:39pm

Nancy, I had a hard first part of the day, but I actually enjoyed the rest of my day.  Slowly I'm coming back to life.  I'm working on me for the first time in my life.  That means I'm going to start working out more, get some spa treatments, get a new hairdo, and just generally take better care of myself.

 

I'm also going to join a book club, meet new people, and do what I love to do--read.  I'm going to start going to the theater again, go to movies, and spend time with family and friends.  I am going to celebrate life.  I'm going to honor my life and Lawrence's life, but I've got to get back to living to do that.

 

My struggle continues.  But, Nancy, I'm smiling for you.  Keep up the good work!

 

Hugs and blessings to all!

Comment by nancy on April 2, 2012 at 8:16pm

Sooo, I started my day looking at a photo album of pics of John and I. I cried and laughed and then took some time to get myself together and remind myself that I had plans. So I put my big girl pants on and did exactly what I had planned to do and more. I even went to the bike path where John took his last breath (thankfully because the cross was down next to the Mohawk River again!) I also reached out to friends on facebook and have set up walks and coffee in my free time and am signing up for a support group at the Hope club for Thurs. This is my upswing week post chemo. and I'm gonna fill it up. I'm going to allow myself to grieve but with boundaries.

This morning as I was crying and talking to John something made me stop and get still. I closed my eyes and let the tears flow along with the grief and it felt like something was holding me up. like someone was standing very close behind me. It felt like John because he was the only one who could get me to stop talking and it was a very strong presence, I felt his strength. Tears just kept coming like a faucet but I was really calm and every time I would start to talk something was stopping me.I don't know how to put this in words but I slowly stopped crying and felt  peace come over me and I thought, alright I can do this. I had my time with John first thing and then I had a good day and I'm happy about it.

Julie, I'm sorry. You didn't make me MORE sad, just sad for someone other than me and I needed that.It was just part of another turning point for me after a terrible week. I don't like to feel sorry for myself but sometimes I slip into that terrible place and don't realize it.You've made a beautiful tribute to your son and I was very touched by it. I most definitely never thought you were a crazy woman you always sound very put together to me. But who knows...maybe we're all crazy here. Crazy in love and crazy alone. That's ok.

Hopefully my new approach will help me. Baby steps. I'll be happy with 2 good days in a row. Got plans for a walk in the park first thing in the morning with my niece. It's gonna be a beautiful day and I know I'm going to have at least one big hearty laugh because my family makes me laugh!! Joyful expectations my friends!!

As always you're all in my prayers.

Peace and hugs

Comment by Vee on April 2, 2012 at 11:14am

John, you're a really strong person.  You've got residual mourning/grief from losing two of the most important women in your life.  Your mom gave you life, and Gail was your life.  Gail was your soulmate.  When she left you, that leaving ripped at your soul.

 

It's a sad thing to say, but parents are not expected, even though it happens, to outlive their child/children.  It's something we all dread, but it's something we can accept at some point.  However, when your spouse passes away, you were one and it is, like someone on the group said, like an amputation.  It is as if you had a limb or a major organ ripped out of you without the anesthesia. 

 

I don't know how you've done it, but you are truly a strong person.  I'm having major difficulties coping with this one death.  I will keep you in my prayers.  You grieve as much as you need to.  It is cathartic; it is necessary; and in the end I pray that it is healing.

 

Julie, what can I say except, yes, we will survive it.  I go to the ICU of life almost every day.  You here are my "life support" system.  I thank God every day for finding this group.  You people here have saved my sanity.  I come here and I read what others are experiencing and how they are coping, or not, and it has helped me more than anything else I know of at this point.  Your posts have helped me so much.

 

What is so important is that those who have be on this awful road for years come back here to share.  Reading some of the posts where people have coped with the grief in different ways, and they are still with us and have survived, it touches me.  Some days I feel like I'm suffocating.  The grief/mourning is so thick it feels like it will literally cut off my breathing.  I grab my laptop, and I come here and pour out enough emotion that I can breathe again.

 

I ask you all to please, please continue to share.  Sunday, April 8th, Easter Sunday, will mark the three-month mark for me.  The support and empathy and sympathy here has helped me get here when the Monday after Lawrence's transition it didn't seem like I'd make it to the end of the day.

 

Fellow mourners/grievers, you--to use one of my niece's favorite words--rock!  I just don't have the words to tell you how much you all mean to me, people I've never even seen.  You lighten my load and give me hope.  Thank you!

 

Blessings and hugs to all.

Comment by Julie Stearns on April 1, 2012 at 9:35pm

To all of my friends in grief.. We will survive, Always where there is love hope is never far behind. To me by giving up I am not honoring my boys and giving my daughter the message I just don't care.  Well these three people are my entire life so I choose to be a better person and not a bitter person.  You all are helping me in this journey, each of you give me hope in some way,  Each of your stories is a story of love, Love is the greatest gift that can be bestowed on a person.  We were all given that ultimate gift, so now what we choose to do with it is important....important to where our faith and our journey takes us.

Nancy, I gave you Kyle site so you would see I am not a crazy lady not to make you more sad.  I was given the two most incredible men if only for a short time.  I will honor them by helping others on this painfilled journey.  Vee, and Carol, you are caring and courageous women we will survive this.  John thank you for sharing such a heart touching and personal story just beautiful.  Love to all Please know I care and am here for you no matter what...

Comment by John Rood on April 1, 2012 at 9:18pm

Jerry I'm with you in the respect of losing Mom, there just isn't a comparison. I too was very close to my Mom. Gail also called my Mom Mom, even though Gail knew Moms feelings she was always pleasant and ignored Mom digs. It was me that fought with Mom over her treatment of Gail..never in front of Gail. Gail tolerated Mom for the sake of me and our children But when Gail and I were alone she would break down...thats why it was so special that Mom acknowledged Gail, while Gail was taking care her Mom finally found out that I married a super loving caring lady 

Comment by John Rood on April 1, 2012 at 9:01pm

Hi cynthia,

   We were more fortunate than most, we were told that there wasn't any more sign of the cancer, but after the treatments, Gail was on Oxygen 24/7. May 13th she had breathing attack and had to rushed to the Hospital a ventilator was installed, and she was seditidated into a deep sleep. Doctors told me to make arrangements that she wouldn't last any more than a couple days. It seemed like they just wrote her off. Ten days later I got mad at the care she wasn't getting and took her home, against The professionals advice, the next day the sedatives wearing off, and she wakes up asks where shes at, and says shes hungry. I/we had her for a additional 51/2 months, a quality 5 1/2 months. During that time I was told from her heart how much she loved me at least 20 times a day, same as I professing my love for her. As well as our kids. Yes we were very fortunate in that respect..I have plenty of quilt thinking I could have done more and she would still be with...I firmly believe that we will be together again, this time for all eternity  

Comment by Cynthia Clements on April 1, 2012 at 8:13pm

I wish I had had  a chance to tell Gene to not leave me. He was taken from me and I didn't even get to see him.  Its so hard not to get to say goodbye to him, just to a casket.  Oh how I wish I could have touched him and looked at his face once more.  But that was taken from me. Its will be 18 months on the 21st of April.  I say prayers for all of us on this site that no one want to be a member of, but are so thankful we have it to express ourselves and our feelings.  (((((HUGS)))))  and prayers to you all.

Comment by Jerry on April 1, 2012 at 7:21pm

Hello John, my situation was a little different, my mom helped me in caring for my wife. Shorly after my wife passed away, my mom stated getting sick,she passed away 13 months after my wife. They got along well, my wife began calling her mom many years ago.Even though I was very close with my mom, if hasnt hit me nearly as hard as losing my wife.

Comment by nancy on April 1, 2012 at 7:01pm

John, you've been through a lot in a short time. Thanks for sharing something so personal. You are blessed to have had these two wonderful women in your life. I'll keep you and the whole group of us in my prayers.

Comment by Tatjana Kowand on April 1, 2012 at 4:52pm

John,

Thank you for sharing this incredibly beautiful story...it shows that people can change...sometimes it's almost too late, but what a difference those words made to Gail...how brave of your Mom for finally seeing the truth of how she felt and choosing to share that....how special for you, too...I know you love and miss both of these ladies in your life...God bless

 

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