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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Faking...

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Comment by John Rood on April 1, 2012 at 9:01pm

Hi cynthia,

   We were more fortunate than most, we were told that there wasn't any more sign of the cancer, but after the treatments, Gail was on Oxygen 24/7. May 13th she had breathing attack and had to rushed to the Hospital a ventilator was installed, and she was seditidated into a deep sleep. Doctors told me to make arrangements that she wouldn't last any more than a couple days. It seemed like they just wrote her off. Ten days later I got mad at the care she wasn't getting and took her home, against The professionals advice, the next day the sedatives wearing off, and she wakes up asks where shes at, and says shes hungry. I/we had her for a additional 51/2 months, a quality 5 1/2 months. During that time I was told from her heart how much she loved me at least 20 times a day, same as I professing my love for her. As well as our kids. Yes we were very fortunate in that respect..I have plenty of quilt thinking I could have done more and she would still be with...I firmly believe that we will be together again, this time for all eternity  

Comment by Cynthia Clements on April 1, 2012 at 8:13pm

I wish I had had  a chance to tell Gene to not leave me. He was taken from me and I didn't even get to see him.  Its so hard not to get to say goodbye to him, just to a casket.  Oh how I wish I could have touched him and looked at his face once more.  But that was taken from me. Its will be 18 months on the 21st of April.  I say prayers for all of us on this site that no one want to be a member of, but are so thankful we have it to express ourselves and our feelings.  (((((HUGS)))))  and prayers to you all.

Comment by Jerry on April 1, 2012 at 7:21pm

Hello John, my situation was a little different, my mom helped me in caring for my wife. Shorly after my wife passed away, my mom stated getting sick,she passed away 13 months after my wife. They got along well, my wife began calling her mom many years ago.Even though I was very close with my mom, if hasnt hit me nearly as hard as losing my wife.

Comment by nancy on April 1, 2012 at 7:01pm

John, you've been through a lot in a short time. Thanks for sharing something so personal. You are blessed to have had these two wonderful women in your life. I'll keep you and the whole group of us in my prayers.

Comment by Tatjana Kowand on April 1, 2012 at 4:52pm

John,

Thank you for sharing this incredibly beautiful story...it shows that people can change...sometimes it's almost too late, but what a difference those words made to Gail...how brave of your Mom for finally seeing the truth of how she felt and choosing to share that....how special for you, too...I know you love and miss both of these ladies in your life...God bless

Comment by John Rood on April 1, 2012 at 4:25pm

Well its Sunday, worse day of the week for me. I just realized that tomorrow marks one year for my Moms passing, I say I just realized because I'm so involved with my Wifes(Gail) passing almost six months later. That why I can say losing my Mother, was nowhere near as bad as losing my Gail. Or maybe its just because I never really got the chance to mourn Mom. Gail was my Moms caretaker before she was diagnosed with cancer, and was recoverying from the treatments. My Mom never like my Wife and never hid those feelings. When my Mom got to the point of needing help, caretaker she wanted to pass in her own home. My family wife and kids are the only relatives in the area. I came home one evening and told my Gail, Mom needs help Doc appts, ect ect. and I don't I can run the business and take care of her. I didn't ask Gail for her help, knowing how my Mom would treat her. But she said I do it, I asked her if she was sure, she said yes. Gail was doing all the grocery shopping, every thing. One day when I came home she came skipping up to me, big smile on her face, John, John, Mom introduced me to one of her friends and she introduced me as her Daughter-in-law, after 33 yrs she recognized me as Daughter in law!! She was just so happy. About 3wks before Moms passing, and Gail was week from the treatments, my Mom asked me If I could bring Gail over, that she needed to talk to her. I went home and asked Gail if she thought she could, she was on oxygen 24/7 at that time she said yes. My Mom told my Gail...Gail I've been very rough on you all these years, will you accept my apoligies, I'm so sorry I love you, I'm glad you married my son, that meant so much to my Gail...and I was so greatful that my Mom told her that. That meant everything to Gail. I've got to get out of the house, don't where I'm going just have to get out for awhile     

Comment by nancy on April 1, 2012 at 3:35pm

Thank you Gail.

Vee, just hope I can put my money where my mouth is. I guess making plans is a step in the right direction. All of your support will help me step out. Glad to hear you had a pleasant Sunday. I know how hard they are for you. Congratulations, smiling is healing!

Comment by Vee on April 1, 2012 at 2:54pm

Nancy, Julie, Carol, today was a day that I truly needed your words of comfort and wisdom, I truly did.  Nancy, I am so awed by you.  I really, really mean that.  The fact that you are going through so much, and you have the time and energy to reach out to me tells me just what kind of person you are, not "were."  I'm so glad you got out today, and I love your plans.  You're planning something that most of us can't even reach yet; you're planning a future.  Wow!  A whole sleeve on your new "garment" of life.  I'm right there with you.  Just say the word, and I'll send you my number, too.  If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Love ya, lady.

Julie, I got out for a bit today, and so enjoyed the warm sunshine, seeing familiar faces, and just plain smiling.  Julie, I haven't started journaling yet.  I'm taking baby steps right now.  My family here gets the benefit of my hard-fought words.  I am planning to use my digital mini to capture a lot of my thoughts.  I thank you for all the wonderful things you share with us.  I'll let you in on a secret.  I read and reread a lot of the comments, and on Sundays I draw upon everybody's growth, experience, and struggle.

 

Carol, your words are always soothing and comforting.  Please, please continue to participate and share.  Right now, I'm clinging to the comments here to get me through this day.

 

I thank all of you for sharing your lives with me and the rest of us.  What may seem insignicant to you means so much to those of us who are toddlers on this road.  I pray someday I can evolve like many of you have and at least be able to get through the day without making Kleenex any more successful than they are.  Until then, I thank you all for being my friends.

 

God bless!  Hugs and love to all.

 

Comment by Gail Evans on April 1, 2012 at 2:36pm
Thanks for the saying, Carol, I really needed it today. I was having Avery hard time being in our home alone.

Nancy, I'm so happy to hear you had a good day!

All, as a minister, Holy Week was always Jean's favorite time of year, so in her memory, I wish each of you a blessed Holy Week. Gail
Comment by nancy on April 1, 2012 at 2:14pm

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I got out of the house early today with my niece and great niece to the park and lunch. Breathing the fresh air was so wonderful and the company uplifting. I teared up quite a few times but it was still a distraction from my grief and discomfort. I've decided to go to the Hope House in my area (American Cancer Society) regularly for post mast. exercise. They also offer free massages, cooking classes, support groups, makeup and wig classes etc. Amazing place.Who knows, maybe that's part of my new life. I have to make new friends so what better place to go than to other people fighting cancer. If I have a similar reaction after my next round of chemo. I won't be going back to work for awhile. As I've said here before, work was my therapy and got me out of depression after John died. If I'm being honest with myself, I'm here alone and depressed but not because I have to but because it's so hard to look for something else and you all know there's that guilt. Nothing or nobody will ever be the comfort that he could be for me. I have a huge supportive family and still I feel so empty. I just want one more of his bear hugs and for him to tell me I'm gonna be ok. Sooo, I've also decided that I will make an appointment with a local medium who has a wonderful reputation. I know I've said before that I don't think John would like it but I figured if he's mad about it the medium will surely tell me and I won't do it again! I'm looking for some shoot from the hip words of wisdom from John. I need him to tell me what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'll just waste some money. who knows. I also made an appt. for a facial and make up class. I've decided if I have to loose my hair and go through awfull side effects from chemo. I will do it with the most class I can possibly scrape up. John and I always looked our best for each other (when we went out) out of love and respect. He bought my clothes and made me feel the best I've ever felt about me. So I was thinking if he were here we would be coming up with ways to help me deal with the losses and feel the best I could feel about me. So my friends, I need you to call me out if I don't at least give these things a shot. I don't want to be all talk and plus, I may be able to entice others to give these things a try.

Julie, omgoodness. I certainly understand your stumbling this week. So much to get through in one week. You have faith and your right about how to look at everlasting life because of Easter. I will try and remember your words Sunday. I need to exercise my faith as it seems to be weak at this time.I know that is what has gotten me through this far. I could be sooo much worse...tho hard to believe at times.Thank you for reaching out to me.

Gail, thank you for your prayers. It is hard to ask for help and sometimes easier to just stay put and cry. I do need to reach out..I did today and had a wonderful time.

Vee, thank you for encouraging me. You're right, I'm sure John doesn't want me to give up. I'm pretty sure the cancer didn't come sooner because he wouldn't have been able to take it emotionally. He would have been my best supporter but it would have been so hard on him.It's crazy that I have these days that I think somewhat clearly and have great expectations and by the next morning I can't stop crying.

So like John would say, get your "big girl pants on" and step out in faith this week and I hope I go in the right direction. I was so independent before I met him but I so loved being dependent on him and letting him take care of me. Back to independent. Wish me luck.

I'm scared to go it alone but that's part of the new normal..like it or not. I continue to pray for you all. Lots of hugs to start another week. Thank you!  Peace

 

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