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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Just a reminder to all of you over these next few days. The weather reports all over are talking extreme heat. Those of you out West have even warmer temperatures than here in the Midwest or East. Please keep well hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Hopefully all of you have air in your homes. If not, please find a friend or relative that has air and see if you can go there. Otherwise, find out where the cooling centers in your neighborhood or town are and use them. Please take care not to over exert yourself and check in here.

Discussion Forum

Newly Bereaved

Started by Dorothy Facciponte. Last reply by Theresa Wimann yesterday. 25 Replies

Depression or grief?

Started by Theresa Wimann. Last reply by Theresa Wimann Jun 14. 13 Replies

Survivor Guilt?

Started by Vickie. Last reply by Petal Watson May 26. 4 Replies

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Comment by Carol Kayser on April 5, 2012 at 8:44pm

Dear Nancy, this is totally awesome!  So inspired by you!  I love your comments about your granddaughter - cause me too, that is exactly how I feel! My hubby is John too, but we all called him Jack and his dad Jackie.  I can still hear my father-in-law calling his son in that deep voice! 

When I am with Abigail I just feel so connected and overwhelmed with love, what a feeling!

 

I hope you enjoy your Breast cancer support group Nancy and meet some new friends, friends are the best!

 

Keep up the good work - you are having a really positive impact on us!

 

Happy Easter to you and yours,

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by nancy on April 5, 2012 at 7:48am

Hi all. I'm on a roll! I went to the "exercise your core" class yesterday. Wow...I can't believe how weak I've become so quickly. Here I keep saying I can't get wait to get back to work and There's no way I could physically do my job. So it was a rude awakening but now I have a new goal. I have to get back into shape asap so I can work again. I'm amazed that so many people keep working through chemo. I just know for me I could never pick up a bag of insulation (they're practically my size) let alone pick one up and throw it and that's what I need to do.

I had a great start and finish to my day. It ended with my stepdaughter and granddaughter. Our first born granddaughter who has her Papa's quick wit outgoing personality. I sooo adore her. Whenever I'm with her I feel John everywhere. He was so in love with her..you know, she did no wrong!

I have plans to walk in the park with 2 friends today! Breast cancer support group tonight.(my first time) I still feel really good. That's 5 days in a row!! Oh how I hope it stays. I feel so much better physically and emotionally. It'll be 7 months on the 7th. I can't believe it. As we all know, I remember it like it was yesterday but it feels like I haven't seen him in a million years!

In case I get busy with the upcoming holiday, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy Easter/Resurrection Day!

Julie, thank you. I appreciate that. I hope you have an enjoyable time with Kyle's friends. I'll be thinking of you Good Friday.

Joyful Expectations everyone! We can do this!!!!

Peace, hugs and prayers.

Comment by Julie Stearns on April 4, 2012 at 9:25pm

Nancy, I am so very proud of you! Keep up the good work!  with love Julie.  I make arrangements to meet with some of kyle;s friends friday for drink in celebration of his b=day and his dads

Comment by Julie Stearns on April 4, 2012 at 8:21pm

Debra, after the loss of a child trust me you just want to die and the pain to stop.  I had to find so many ways to cope and to be able to live.  I came up with the fact that God just doesn't make mistakes and it was his time.  Every one has a time and when God calls you home, there is nothing we can do to stop it.Hugs, and I am so sorry you are in so very much pain.

Comment by Laura Vasile on April 4, 2012 at 8:02pm

Hi everyone. I'm Laura and I lost my beloved Frank of 24 years 5 years ago. It has not been an easy road and I too don't always feel Frank's presence.  I have been blessed with many people as I make my way through this journey. Remember that our loved ones will always be with us in spirit. No one can take away our precious memories so cling to them with all your might

 

Comment by Vee on April 4, 2012 at 12:40pm

Debra, dear one, this is a rare moment for all of us here.  Yes, I've been down that road wondering why Lawrence's dad lived to 96 and 9 months, and after caring for his mother and his father since he was a wee child--he was an only child--why he had to be taken from me.  It just hurt me so bad, because Lawrence had "honored his father and mother that his days might be long upon the earth," and yet he was gone.

 

Do you know how I finally resolved it?  Maybe Lawrence's day would have been a lot shorter than they were, 52 years, if he hadn't done everything he did.  I try with all my might to get an answer, write it down in a notebook, and leave it there.  When thoughts assail my mind, I look at what the final answer was.  Just my little way of trying to close doors that I cannot reopen.

 

You are absolutely not awful.  You are one of the truly brave.  I don't know and don't even want to ask myself the question of "Do I want to be another relationship or marriage?"  You answered it and had 23 years of happiness. 

 

As for the short length of time?  What I've learned about you is you would not have wanted Curt to continue to suffer.  Curt from everything you've written here was a good man.  It takes a really good man to pull someone from the depths of despair at the loss of Joe into 23 years of happiness. 

 

You know what else?  You told Curt goodbye for 23 years and I love you and everything else.  While I'm writing I'm absorbing these words for my own situation.  Curt knows now that you loved him.  You didn't get to say "goodbye," but that means it's just "I'll see you later until we meet again down the road."

 

We're all here for you.  You're going to make it through.  Now, I'm on my way out to do what Nancy instructed, to have a good day and enjoy some sunshine.

 

Blessings and hugs!

Comment by debra l. johnson on April 4, 2012 at 11:53am

Thank You Carol & Vee! You Both are So Very Right! I Know That! & I also Know That The Lord Does Love Me! I am in a rare moment! & Iam So Sorry I said the Lord doesn't Love Me!! I Know He Does! But Sometime's I Just hate myself for being so selfish, & Thinking That Curt Has all These Brother's & Sister's So Much Older Than He Was! God Foribd That I Have Thought's Like This! It is a Awful thing to even think about! Lord Please Forgive me for even having these thought's! Curt Help me get thru the Process of Letting My First Husband Joe go! We were married for 23 yr's an it only took 9 month's for the Cancer to take him! But To Take Curt so Quick in a minute or a second! I Didnt get to tell him goodbye! He was My Rock! & now all I Have is a Heart That is Crumbling! Thank You all For Helping me! I Better go take a Shower! Hug's to Both of You....,Deb

Comment by nancy on April 4, 2012 at 11:28am

Debra the hard part of going through this is figuring out for ourselves how to get through it. Just day to day stuff. We're all very unique. Making myself get up and make the bed right away was my first goal. If I made my bed I wouldn't go back in it.Then eventually I added taking a shower and getting dressed before noon, etc.I started going to grief therapy. At 5 weeks I went back to work. That's the best forced routine for me. Setting the alarm, working, visiting with people at work, having a new normal work routine was what I needed.It was very hard but it was making me better. I have back slid so many times I can't count and I don't care. I just know for me that at the beginning of every new week I'm going to try again.Sometimes it's over before it's even started but I make the attempt.

I couldn't make myself feel John. I can only guess that a change in my heart and my attitude had something to do with letting it in. I don't know what let him through.

Maybe you could set just one goal for every day and start there. It won't mean anything to anyone else but you'll know how big it is to achieve it and so will we here!

It sucks so bad to be us. Baby steps. You need to take good care of you! Keep posting and we'll be here to keep encouraging.

You'll be in my prayers. Peace

Comment by Vee on April 4, 2012 at 10:37am

Debra, God has not forgotten about you.  Have you forgotten about him?  What I have found to release from, what I see now was my anger against God for bringing Lawrence to my life and then taking him home, is to accept the fact that God does have a purpose and a plan for my life.  I also have come to terms with the fact that a part of my inner anger had to do with He also took my father the same way, sudden and with no explanation.  I didn't even see it as anger until it started eating me up inside.  I was angry that my happiness was interrupted with a man that I adored.  I was angry that out of four children, I was the only one who grew up without a father.

 

Finally, I had to say to myself, "Who am I really angry at?" and I had to accept that though it had gone underground for many, many years, I was angry at God.  There were times I should have asked him for help, I didn't.  I got so far into my denial that I actually thought I had gotten over it.  No, it went underground.

 

I'm no psychiatrist, although I do have a degree in sociology, but I think you've done what I know I have, and probably others have to, is to go back to square one, "Why me?  Why did it have to be my husband?  Why when I need him so much is he gone?  Why am I not dreaming about him or feeling his presence?"  These are valid and very rational questions, the answers to which may be months, days, or years away.

 

My mother was angry and questioned "Why me" when my dad died.  She would look at other couples and wonder why after a tough childhood she had to go through this.  My dad left behind one brother and three sisters when he died.  Daddy had been dead about, oh, five years when my Uncle Johnny was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer.  He languished in a VA hospital, shortly after his wife died, until his death.  Although not a twin, they were very close and only 10 months aparat in birth.  Uncle Johnny and Daddy looked like twins.  My mom had thought if Daddy had died after he was ill she would have been able to withstand his death more easily than Daddy dying suddenly. 

 

As she watched my uncle deteriorate, looking so much like daddy, she came to terms with the fact that she could not have withstood watching my dad's decline.  She understood why it was sudden for daddy's sake as well as hers and the rest of his family.  My uncle's death nearly killed my aunts and the rest of our family, just watching it.

 

I believe, Debra, that your beloved is near you, but he knows if you feel his presence or see him in a dream it will make your recovery that much more difficult.  What you and I and a lot of our fellow sufferes are enduring, and what we really, really want is to have them back.  And that we can never do in this world.  I believe you will see your husband again in a dream or feel his presence when you least expect it.

 

As for caring for yourself?  The last thing your family wants or needs is to lose you.  I have a feeling you're their rock.  If you can't take care of yourself for you, do it for them.  Your condition, fibromyalgia, there are many things you can do along with gentle exercise.  You should get a really good massage, a lymphatic massage; you can also have warm stones placed on your spine to relieve the tension.  When we're under stress, fibromyalgia tends to flare up.  You're experiencing a flareup right now.  This condition alone can bring on depression.  A full-body massage can help immensely.  There are some herbal compounds that help, too.  f you're interested, I can send you list.  Go to the fibromyalgia association website where they will have a lot of information.  Yes, take care of yourself, focus on you and not on what none of us can change. 

 

God loves you and so do I along with others in the group that you have shared so much of yourself with.  Blessings and hugs!

 

 

Comment by debra l. johnson on April 4, 2012 at 9:32am

I Feel The Same way! I Need to start taking care of me! Curt Took such good care of me! That I Have Forgotten how to do it on my own! All My Life I have taken care of everyone & Not Me? Iam Not Sure How To do This! I used to go to the gym, year's ago! I Have fibromaylish,& In Consant pain 27-7, & with Copd,chronic faftauge,& So Many other health problem's! It Just Suck's! But Iam Trying to do better, but just here latley I have Fallen Back into The Very Very Drepssed Mode again! Not Eating , no bath, not leaving the house, Not Chaning clothes for the last 3 day's! I Thought i was Doing better! @ Taking a shower, putting on makeup, & I even went to the gym with 2 of my daughter's & I even went to Curch Last Sunday! I want to take better care of my self I really do? So What in the world, made me go backward's? I Can't do high impact exercie's But I Would Love to do Yoga! I Read some That Yoga will help with fribomaylish? But Iam Just Not sure? Does anyone know or have heard about this? And I was going to the tanning bed!That sometimes help with the chronic pain, But since Sunday, Nothing I have fallen back into my old routine!, Not Eating, not taking a shower Not Sleeping, Not leaving the house, Nothing, Not even Crying? I Feel Numb! I have been on this site every day! Reading everything, everyone write's I Dont Feel Curt Beside me, I haven't seen him in a dream? I Can't feel anything, Has God Forgot about me? I Have asked Him To Forgive me of my Sin's! Can He Not Forgiven Me? Am I That Awful of a Person, That he hate's Me? If I could Just Feel Curt's Presence, Just To Let Me Know That God Still Love's Me? I Just Dont Know What to do? Maybe Iam Not Praying Right or Not Enough? Iam really Not that bad of a person! Any answer's or help? Please.... Debbie Hug's To All!

 

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