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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Latest Conversations: 19 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Valerie Blair on August 22, 2012 at 10:58am

Good morning Cari...words will never be able to describe the sorrow and heartache we feel when we know that others are going through what we ourselves are feeling. Know always that you have a support group and place to vent, cry or share memories. This community has been a great resource for me.

My fiance passed away on June 11, 2012 as well from a heart attack and I still am in denial. The stages of grief are very fluid and I find myself moving through anger, sadness, depression and acceptance. Neither my fiance or I have any family as they have all passed however I have been blessed to have a mini-tribe of friends and colleagues to stand up as my support group. I work in Television where most of the shows are on hiatus so I was able to go back into the office a month after Derek passed in order to take my time acclimating into the job. In May I was able to handle multiple tasks at the same time and help my fiance with his company -- now it's harder to keep focus and I sometimes have panic attacks throughout the day but I know that I need the distraction of a job to keep me grounded. Outside from work, my colleagues have been beyond amazing -- making food for me and keeping me busy with evening & weekend activities.  

But know Cari, that there is no timeline and no right or wrong process so do not feel guilty for taking care of your needs. It is more important than ever to do things that feel right for you and know again that WE ARE ALL HERE to hold your hand.

If you ever need to talk please do not hesitate to reach out.

Sending you strength and hugs xo

Comment by MaggieP on August 22, 2012 at 8:34am

Dear Cari,  I am so sorry for your loss.  I know what you are going through.  I have heard many different views on going back to work.  My husband lost his second wife to cancer before he met me.  When my sister lost her husband suddenly, he told her that the best thing he did was to go back to work.  I took his words to heart, and after he died, I took several weeks off work, and then went back.  I can't say that I did a very good job, but I was there.  I had to get up every morning, go to work, plan the rest of my day etc...  It took me a long time to get up to speed at work, but eventually it did happen.  I was very fortunate that my employers were supportive. Many times, I was brought into my boss's office to cry.  It was not easy.  I can't say that this is the right or wrong way to do this, it is just what I did.  Hugs to you!

Comment by Carol Kayser on August 22, 2012 at 12:21am

Dear Cari.  There are really no timelines for you, for us.  Going back to work is a very personal decision and if you can afford to stay off I would.  I was off for 4 months and then gradually went back part time.  The feelings you are describing are so natural and they still want to be part of you and you them, so it is still time to take care of yourself and not worry about anyone else right now, home or work.  That term "move on" is horrid and it is used all the time!  We don't do that, we learn to live with our loss in our lives and in our hearts, and that takes time.  We don't want to forget, we want to have the memories and the love and the smiles to support and remind us.

 

So take your time Cari and grieve at your own pace and in what is best for you.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Peg Edwards on August 21, 2012 at 10:51pm

Dear Cari,

     I'm so sorry for your loss.Hopefully you can find some comfort through this site. We're all going through the same terrible thing and just hearing from other people who are going through the same thing can help. I've told other people about this book I read called: Widow to Widow, it really helped me a lot because I thought I was losing my mind because of the way I felt. Read it and you will find out that everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Hope it will help you.

    Thanks Jean, Jane and Faith for your comments, I really appreciate  having a place to come to when times get tough and no one judges you for saying whats on your mind!

      I pray for God's peace and strenght for us all!

                                                                              Peg

Comment by Cari on August 21, 2012 at 10:41pm

Thank you all so much for welcoming me here and for your helpful words. All of your descriptions of grief are so true to how I feel... a nightmare, a roller coaster, a mountain... etc. And it is true about taking care of our own health-- eating and sleeping are not things I have participated in too well the last 2 months, and I feel it.

 

I have also been besieged by feelings of guilt for having not returned to work yet. I am not hurting financially, so that is not an issur, but it just seems like I am the only one who hasn't just "moved on." Well I am also the only one who lost my spouse in this household.

How long is too long to miss work? I haven't been able to eat or sleep well, focus, concentrate, and if you look at me sideways, I burst out in sobs. I'm a wreck. How can I go to work and manage people when I can't even manage myself? Once again, thank you all for all your help and support.  --Cari

 

Comment by janice shannon on August 21, 2012 at 9:36am

Dear Cari, I am so sorry for your loss, it is the most painful thing anyone has to face.  I believe that unless you have actually faced it yourself you can have no idea of what a mountain it is in your life.  I lost my husband of 32 years just this past May and I know what you are going thru.  The people here are wonderful.  Reading the posts is an excellent way to keep heading in the right direction.  I have found that in offering help to others here is a also a very healing experience. One thing that I have found is that watching out for your own health is very important because grief can cause allot of problems with your health.  I try to find something to laugh about every day just because its very good for me to laugh.  I pray every night that God will comfort us as we mourn, give us strength to face each new day, and fill us with the peace that only He can give.                 Janice

Comment by Mac on August 21, 2012 at 9:20am

Cari, I too am glad you found this site. since I found it there has been no judgemental remarks its just saying how you feel at the time and no one to tell you what you need to do or what not you need to do. 

Peg you are right familes can be very hurtful I am sure they feel like its the right thing to do or say then they go their own way and its all over for them and I have not heard from one of his family members since the day of his services when they left they said hang in there. well I guess I am hanging in there   so I hate to say it but welcome aboard . I still am asking why do I have to stay here. haven't gotten an answer yet but I feel like if I keep asking Jesus he might get tired and take me to. Jean

Comment by janeo on August 21, 2012 at 9:07am
Carol, thank you for your kind words but what was said was so true .
Comment by janeo on August 21, 2012 at 9:06am
Carie, you will find help on this site. We can talk freely with no judgement and remember grief has no time limit. We all take baby steps one day one hour at a time what ever helps. I said on here already think of something silly or funny that you did with him and you will laugh and say I can't believe we did that. When i did that all i can say is wow and laughed my head off and felt better for a while try it might help.
Comment by Faith J. on August 21, 2012 at 7:21am

Cari, this is a womderful, supportive grp! I found them after I lost my husband Paul in May.

 

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