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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Janice F. on September 11, 2012 at 12:20pm

Rhonda, people ask if they can do anything because they don't know what to say.  I can't tellyou how many "friends" have said "anything you need, I'm there for you,", and i have not heard one word from them since.

I have also been keeping a journal, yes it does help.  As for the people who really do care, this may be the time when you find that you will need some help...when I first lost Don, I said to myself that I would be independent, I didn't need help, then I found out that there are some things I do need help with.  My brother in law put in an automatic sprinkler system...my grandson mows the lawn, a son took my car down to be detailed, things like that, even heavy things I can't lift by myself.  You have been in my thoughts and daily prayers, may God bless you and all of us in this painful journey.

Comment by rhonda chapman on September 11, 2012 at 9:30am

thanks for all the understanding comments and support, being able to to just let out what i try to keep to myself seems to be cathartic. mornings are worse time of day i miss him all the time but mornings were always special. ive been kinda keeping a journal just writting what im feeling it seems to help some. i wish everyone would stop asking if i need them to do anything , ive always been the doer, the caregiver,i didnt ask then why would i ask now ?

Comment by Mac on September 11, 2012 at 7:42am

Wayne I am so very sorry for your loss. When we lose our soul mates so quickly we are left with so many things we wanted to say or should have said. This is a wonderful site to be on during this time May God Bless. and Jerry hope you are out of that rabbit hole even thou its been four years I still get in it and its a really lonley place to be I have had people say Gee its been four years already and the hurt  grabs my gut and I want to strangle them because to me its still yesterday  well Its early and I am in this rambling mode I want to say things but yet don't know what to say so I had better make a pot of coffee and watch the world start all over again| Jean

Comment by Mac on September 11, 2012 at 6:34am

Dear Rhonda, I am so sorry for your loss and having to deal with your medical problems and taking care of your family my heart goes out to you. as far as getting easier yes I guess it does in a way we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and the mornings still come I still can't wait to go to bed then can't wait for the morning either cry as often as you feel like it even screaming. Jesus knows what you are going thru and he somehow gets us thru it I guess its like the footprints in the sand. I cry every time I see the numbers go up on this site but still glad everyone is here. I will keep you and your family in my prayers .Jean

Comment by Marsha H on September 11, 2012 at 4:12am

Dear Jean ...

Oh yes, I have had that happen to me also.  I have bumped into some acquaintances and they'll ask how my Ernie is doing (he passed away in April, 2011) and when I tell them it's as if I just told them I'd been shopping for an outfit.  Their eyes seem to glaze over and they'll say either 'so, what have you been up to?' or, 'have you met someone else yet?' I can't believe what comes out of some people's mouths.  I have had friends lose a spouse and not once has it ever entered my mind to say such things.  It is not that they don't know what to say, it's plain ignorance!  I try to keep my cool and tell them I have to go and I leave without giving them a chance to keep talking.  I will admit I do have a little cry afterwards.  Unfortunately, this is part of having to grieve.  What I did was get a great grief site with the 'do's and don'ts' of how the family and friends,  as to how one should treat the person who has lost their spouse (or any major loss of a loved one) and also what the griever can expectsent it out to each of them. I am such a little devil because I purposely trapped them because if they say I should be getting on with my life by now I just ask them if they took the time to read what I sent them.  That sure shuts them up in a hurry. 

Take care hon and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Marcy 

Comment by Marsha H on September 11, 2012 at 4:00am

Dear Rhonda ...

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband and that you are ill as well and you have children to consider.  I wish I could reach out a miraculously make you better.  There is always hope Rhonda that you can recover.  I feel so badly that you haven't had a chance to get through your grief over your husband, but now you are dealing with your own health issue, but from the sound of the way you posted you are one strong lady and I am sure you will have things in order for your children.  I will certainly pray for you and have my prayer group say prayers.  Miracles do happen hon.  This site is a God send so just feel free to express yourself in any way you feel and perhaps we can give you some advice to help you along.

Big hugs (because you need one)

Marcy

Comment by Marsha H on September 11, 2012 at 3:55am

Faith ... my apolgies for not getting a post off to you sooner (sometimes I have trouble getting around the site when upset.)  My condolences to hear that your husband has passed.  I do know how you feel like many of us here.  I hope I am not out of line here, but as soon as I saw that picture of your husband he reminded me of Sidney Portier and I see how very much in love both of you were, just like my husband and I.  My Ernie passed away April, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and we were very close (no children.) I also just have a small family (one brother; his wife and two nephews) and I'm blessed to have many friends.  I am glad to hear you are feeling a little better and are at church and talk to your Pastor.  I am going to be joining a church soon as well.  I went to grief counseling shortly after Ernie passed away (I live just outside of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada) and it was a mixed group (not dealing with just widows or widowers) and, like you I felt worse when I came out of the sessions.  I went for 4 weeks and left.  I just didn't think the counselors got it and I was too much in a fog to really concentrate anyway.  I find this site is like a family to me (all sisters and brothers we are) and help from God and good friends. 

Grief just takes time and we all march to a different drummer.  I hope you are finding comfort and feeling much better.

God Bless

Marcy

Comment by Carol Kayser on September 11, 2012 at 1:35am

Dear Rhonda.  What a tremendous loss for you and now your own battle and your boys.  My prayers are with you for comfort and compassion and for your children too.  Praying that you have loving support around you from this moment on.  Just know that we are here for you, and thinking of you and your family. 

 

God Bless,

Carol

Comment by Janice F. on September 10, 2012 at 11:22pm

Nancy, it's true what you said, they don't know what the heck to do with us! In my case I can't just stay away from those people...he, my father, lives across the street from me.  It's "all about him", if it isn't, he just isn't interested.  Even my mom's death didn't change him.  I tried so hard to talk to him after some very hurtful remarks a few days ago, but he kept changing the subject back to himself. If he was suffering from dementia or something it would be understandable, but he's "crazy like a fox", for 93 yrs of age.  I finally told him I couldn't be around him for a while & to please respect that.  I hate it that I'm coming off like I have a cold heart.  I don't.  Every time I feel that I'm making some progress in my grief, he does or says something that sets me back.  I truly don't know what to do.  I'm starting in a local grief support group tomorrow, praying it will help.  I feel like I'm trapped in this fog of grief and pain. The rest of my large family is very supportive, but as we know, they don't really understand what it's like to lose a spouse who was like the other half of you.

Comment by janice shannon on September 10, 2012 at 9:53pm

dear Rhonda, i am so sorry for your loss, for the grief you and your children are going thru and for the continuing medical problems that you are facing. Hopefully you have family around that will be able to help you with your children. Just know that we will keep you and you family in our prayers. Janice

 

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