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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Marsha H 8 hours ago. 21 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by didi on October 29, 2012 at 3:20pm

TO ALL. This weekend my youngest son took me to a musical based on a story line written by one of the Jesuit Priests from my sons' school. I will not burden anyone with a long story, but a line from the musical that I took away with me is:

A SMILE IS A KISS TO TOMORROW'S HOPE

(it looses a little in translation, but I hope everyone gets the idea).

SMILE - just like Jesus did on the cross of this play.

Comment by Marsha H on October 29, 2012 at 3:19pm

Jan F ... praying for you to get your health back.  I am in the same boat you are as you know.  I eat like a horse, but no weight goes on my bones and the doctors are worried about it.  Going to be getting some tests done and hope there is a solution to my problem.  I am 5' 6" tall and petite and have lost 40 lbs. as well.  I have never been this low in weight and it's depressing and scaring me at the same time.

Hang in there girl! We'll beat this thing yet.

I don't feel that we are hiding our grief at all; I feel that our lives are slowly changing and with each turn in the road it's a new adventure so we simply feel over-whelmed and frightened all at the same time.  I pray things get better for all of us.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by didi on October 29, 2012 at 3:13pm

Hi Marsha,read your last post, can see you are having a hard day. I go to work and like you say it helps keep the mind busy. But evenings are the worse, particularly with winter upon us.

I used to enjoy cooking and that would keep me busy, but now just for one - there is no point cooking. Still having friends on this site helps a little with the loneliness.

Stay strong.

Hugs.

Comment by Marsha H on October 29, 2012 at 3:10pm

Janice ... you are so right.  I do think things get better and we can remember our spouses with a smile and perhaps a tear or two and we will never forget them, but other widows/widowers have gotten through the worst of grief.  I think we get to a point of 'acceptance' and that's part of the healing process of grieving. 

I pray until my knees are raw and sometimes feel I only 'exist.' It is over-whelming at times this new life presented to us, but we will be touched by good strangers and make more friends and slowly fit into society again.  We just need to hang on for a bumpy ride.

Having a bad day myself as it's rainy; windy and gloomy out so can't take my dogs for their usual walk. I shouldn't complain considering Hurricane Sandy and some of our extended family here are right in the path of it.  So I pray!

I hope you have a good day Janice and nice to see you post.

 

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 29, 2012 at 3:05pm

Hi Marsha - do you have an email address? I'd like to send you a picture:)

Comment by Marsha H on October 29, 2012 at 2:45pm

Hi Carol ... You are so nice to leave a post to me and I do hope it has helped Jean somewhat.  I am afraid we are in a 'me' generation! There is time for family and friends if they want to make the time.  Yes, making new friends is not easy and you basically have to join a club to meet someone in the same position a widow/widower is.  No one else seems to understand and personally, I am tired of putting that mask on to make others feel better about themselves (takes the guilt off of them.) 

You are so lucky you are working, but I know that only temporary because you still have to come home to an empty house.  In time it should become a little easier.  I'm at home 24/7 and really find it difficult trying to keep busy and sometimes don't have the energy.  As I say I go for walks with the dogs, but it is pouring rain and miserable out and suppose to be like this throughout the weekend so I feel cooped up and it's not a good feeling. 

I am tired of making excuses for my family and friends, because I have helped widows/widowers in the past and just 'been there' without question.  Right now I keep in touch with my husband's 85 year old aunt ... all her siblings have passed away; she has no friends any longer and her grown kids are very selfish and believe me, they all got a tongue-lashing from me (even before my husband passed away) and they are a bit better, but not by much.  Their attitude (I detest this quote) 'it is what it is.'  Just wait until it's their turn and they'll be singing a different tune!

So sad you lost your pet.  My 10 year old Molly passed 5 months after my husband did and I just about went over the edge.  There was no warning she was ill.  I was sure that death was hanging around my door step.  I have my two little dogs now and they are so loyal and caring and I don't know what I'd do without them.  I feel abandoned and an outcast ... don't fit in anywhere.  I try so hard to fit in, but my body seems totally void of happiness now.

I'm so glad you mentioned companionship.  I am not trying to replace my husband at all, but would love to meet a male companion (even a widower) where you can open up the doors of society and be more accepted.  I find that widowers seem to get far more attention that widows.  It could be simply because there are more widows than widowers.  Men can work or go anywhere they please, but women are limited as to some places they can go and especially at night time.  All my girlfriends have spouses and so I have nowhere to go in the evenings on a weekend (detest weekends and long weekends are worse.)  Now the dark days of winter are here and there is even less to get my mind of my beloved.

I thought of going back to counseling too, but I didn't find I got much help from it.  I found I was pulled back more than the support part of it.  Also the counselors had never experienced the loss of a spouse and until one has I don't like the text book counseling because it often doesn't touch on how we really feel.  The group I went to was a mixed one (some had lost children, etc.) and it didn't work because each segment of grief is different.  Went to a psychologist (very expensive) and he had never felt the sting of losing a spouse and I got little from that.  I don't think we're hiding, I think we are surviving and possible trying too hard to fit into society.  Grief is a bewildering journey we all have to take alone basically to get to know the 'new you' whatever that may be.  I just hope God is watching over all of us.

I too hope everyone is surviving the Hurricane Sandy.  I'm praying and following it to see what it's going to do.

Take care of yourself Carol and thanks again.  Having a bad day today. 

Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by janice shannon on October 29, 2012 at 12:53pm

I lost my husband almost six months ago now.  I have decided that it doesn't get better, it is something that you carry with you throughout the rest of your days.  Some good days  and some bad days but we just go on living.  Each day I pray that the Lord with grant each of us comfort when we mourn, strength for the task ahead and peace in our rest.   Janice

Comment by Janice F. on October 29, 2012 at 12:30pm

Same here, Faith, I don't know why, but this 4 month anniversary has been the absolute worst, and I can't seem to get back on track either. I'm so glad to be here, with people who really do understand, in ways that the people in my real world just can't.

Thoughts & prayers are with you, I mean that sincerely.

Comment by Faith J. on October 29, 2012 at 12:22pm

Jan F., I'm in the same position about losing weight & needing to exercise. For some reason, the 5 mth anniversary of losing Paul hit me hard & I haven't been able to get myself back together. I even missed church on yesterday!

Comment by Janice F. on October 29, 2012 at 12:14pm

Jean I so know what you mean about being so sad & alone feeling.  I went to a spaghetti feed at the VFW Friday, my stepson is the Commander...so all the family on Don's side was there, including his ex-wife (who I have always gotten along with).  It happened to be the 4th month anniversary of Don passing, so I was having a hard time.  Later, my daughter-in-law told me the ex wife felt offended that I didn't speak to her, (I thought I did)..anyway, I said "well, tell her I'm very sorry if i offended her, it happened to be the anniversary of the day that Don didn't wake up, her feeling weren't exactly at the top of my list at that time".  I can't believe some people.  I guess  the only ones there who even remembered what day it was was me, my son, my granddaughter & my stepson.  I've been upset and unsettled ever since, (3 days ago).  Thanks for letting me vent.

 

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