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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster. Last reply by Sara Murphy 3 hours ago. 16 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Sue H on January 10, 2013 at 3:42pm

Jen..I was told after 8 weeks to , "buck up" and the pain that insensitive comments like that from friends and family is almost as bad as grieving our loved one. Ray's best friend told me last night that he was getting frustrated with me because I should be grateful for my memories and that Ray would not want me sad. It has been 8 months for me. Ray was the love of my life and we thought we would grow old together(we were both 52). This process is hell. I lost my Dad at the age of 60 to a car accident and that pain does not touch this pain. I told Ray's friend that Ray knew how very hard it would be for us and that it would take time. He also wanted us all to stick together and support each other to help us find our way back to some kind of life without him. That shut him up. You need to find people who can listen to your pain and unfortunately it will not e the people you thought but open the door for other. I have a geat new friend I met at my grief support group. What a gift. HAng in there and HUGS!

Comment by Mac on January 10, 2013 at 1:31pm

Helen, Jen, I am so sorry for your loss  and it is a struggle when you are told to ( get over it) I have been told that exact words, and some with just that meaning to it. I finally figured out that those are not the people you need to waste your time. I think it was Marsha that  called people (frog lips) but don't quote me its just an amazing quote. because there are alot of them out there. I have 2 daughters and five grandkids but I only see one of them and the other is only when she wants something from me. sad isn't it. My babe left me in 2009 and still grieve 24/7 no matter where I am or what I am doing so cry as often as you feel because it does help to get it out. wish I had magic words of comfort but time does help and I am still working to get Jesus back in my life too. hang in there ( does not get better but just easier to go to bed alone and get up alone. Jean

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on January 10, 2013 at 1:11pm

Thank you both for the comments.    I seem to be going through a particularly bad patch just now and as my family (no children but a sister and 2 nieces) have decided thery no longer want to know me  the "can't cope with my grief" but I guess it is more that I am no longer useful to them (MY HUSBAND AND i TOOK MY SISTER ON HOLIDAY WITH US FOR 16 YEARS AFTER HER HUSBAND DIED) and now they have to pick up the slack with their mother so there is no time for me - hard pill to swallow and it has sent me spiralling back to the beginning of the grieving.   Also, my husband died in England and I had to endure 8 hours sitting in the back seat of an estate car with his coffin holding on to the handles and with the embalming fluid smell wafting round me.   I had to relieve all this plus his dying at my feet today to yet another counsellor and I think that is probably why today has been a particular hell.   But the churning pain is the worst and it never goes unless I am asleep which is why I greet each dawn with a groan and a wish that I never want to wake up again.   I was brought up a christian but am a scientist by profession so am really struggling with faith and am still at the stage of  not quite believing that God is there (or if he is he isn.t helping me come to terms with this).  Thanks again for bothering to reply.    I knew I could depend on someone from this site taking the trouble to try and comfort me.   As I said my friends are fed up because I am not conforming to the norm which seems to be 1 year (at the very most 2) and my pain just isn't following that pattern

Comment by janice shannon on January 10, 2013 at 12:54pm

Dear Helen, I am sorry for your loss, focusing on the good memories that you have of thirty years together can and will help you but after 3 years you must get on with some of the things that we share here like baby steps, getting thru each day, if you have no family or friends perhaps it is time to look into your options.  Depending on you pass skill set maybe you can find a way to put people into your life that could become friends.  Maybe you could adopt a pet there are so many adorable ones that need good homes.  Make it a daily quest to find something to laugh at daily, make your laugh til you cry.  The gut wrenching pain should be long gone by now and that suggests that you probably have allot of work to do on your journey out of grief.  All of us here on this website know what you are going thru vent regularly until you can get it all out.  Once you feel spent you can begin to heal.  Helping others get thru there stages will be something that you can look forward to doing.   My husband of 32 years has been gone only 8 months  and I still think of him all the time, I know that he is in a better place and that he would not come back even if he could he is God's child first and that is ok with me.  I don't dwell of things that won't help me I let it go and let God heal me.  I pray for all the members of the group daily that God will comfort those who mourn strengthen the weak and restore the weary.   Good luck on your recovery efforts..... Janice

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on January 10, 2013 at 12:00pm

This is my third attempt to post a blog today.   I keep getting redirected, why I don't know.   I haven.t felt this low in spirit for ages and I just feel I cannot live without my husband.    He meant everything in the world to me and it is now nearly three years since he dropped dead at my feet.   Everyone is telling me I should pick myself and move on but where to.   We did everything together and after he had a year long illness I was so frightened for him I practically wouldn't let him out of my sight.    How can I go on living this pointless life - no family, few friends (and no  one to talk to) because they think I should be "over it" by now.    Please someone give me some hope that this endless churning pain in my stomach is going to ease and that I will be able to remember the thirty gloriously happy years (and I am so grateful for those) without having the pain that goes along with the memories because I will never see him again or share happy memories with him again.   i AM FEELING REALLY DESPERATE TONIGHT.

Comment by Frank Andrews on January 10, 2013 at 8:30am

Stacey,

 We all feel guilty about something related to our beloved spouses at times and you should not feel guilt about trying to get through your grieving any way you can because your husband would want you to be happy again until you are re-united. Your son is is a blessing you shared and he does not want to see you sad all of the time. It is a blessing that you have good dreams about him...some, like me, have had no dreams at all and wonder why. 

  You are supposed to keep occupied in order to get through some of your grief and let the tears flow as it helps  us all. You are certainly NOT a terrible person for the feelings you are having. Remember what we all know here that grief is felt in various ways by each of us, there are "triggers" to our grief and that it is like being on a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs. We all hope you are having an "up" day today and hang in there and deal with it as best you can.   Hugs.

Comment by stacey on January 9, 2013 at 9:20pm

i kinda feel like a terrible person somedays everyone who knew my husband is really having a hard time and im trying to look on the bright side of things but im so tired of crying and feeling down i try not to deal with it. my husband hated to see me cry and i feel im letting him down by not dealing with this grief. he did everything to make me feel better and now hes not here to make me feel better. i keep having really good dreams about him and last night was one of them but why do i feel so bad when days that mean something to all of us like monday which was his birthday am i handling better them them and then when i talk to them i break down and cry harder then the day i should have. i feel like a bad wife for not being as upset as i probably should be it makes me think im not doing my part as his other half. my mind is so preoccupied with everything ive been doing to make it better for me and my son and easier on my as a single mom i guess im not taking my own feeling into consideration i guess i just dont want to deal with it if i dont have to.  i feel like a terrible person today.

Comment by Frank Andrews on January 9, 2013 at 8:31pm

Faith,

 Good to know you are all right and you show how caring a person you are by worrying about other drivers when most of them drive like maniacs. I detest hospitals and any kind of procedures so I must do as you did and put everything in writing. Like Mac, I wish I had your faith in the afterlife to help me in this life. After so many prayers...and none answered, I find it hard to turn to religion for any kind of comfort. I ask my friends, however, to pray for me so that I can find hope and comfort in God again. A friend of my wife's said we need not pray for those who passed but only for the living.

 Not many have posted lately and it may be because of the flu going around. I was hard pressed to even get out of bed for 2 days just because of the stomach flu. Our hospitals here are filled with flu patients.

 I hope your medical problems are behind you and that your days are getting better.  

Comment by Dixie Olson on January 9, 2013 at 8:27pm

JEAN: Its normal to loose your faith when your loved one passes, weve all been there, but I found out had it not been for GOD* I would never had made it through, Ive grown closer to him and his son as they see me through each day. If we can make it through just one day, and then the next, etc your heart will heal, it's going to be hard, but we are all just hanging on by the skin of our teeth,(em that is if we have teeth) lol. Im up cleaning and making cookies, should be resting my blood clot leg as it ia swollen up to 27', I look like the elephant man(lol) but Im just one of those people who cant sit around, drives me crazy. I hope all got through the day, and my prayer is you all have some sweet dreams!  lv,hugs, thoughts, and prayers to all>dixie

Comment by Faith J. on January 9, 2013 at 4:28pm

I have a will, living will & power of atty. now.  It's all in black & white.  I went on & let them put a difibulator in because I didn't want to risk my heart stopping while I was driving, putting someone else at risk.  Otherwise, I would have just taken the chance.

 

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