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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018. 5 Replies

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Comment by Diane C on September 23, 2013 at 5:18pm

Frank,

So good to see you posting, as always. But, so sorry that you are having a bad time of it right now. I too have a hard time making decisions and facing problems. But I am trying to stay calm and just hoping for the best. I have made some very wrong decisions since Rich passed away, but I can only hope I learned from them. The stress of grieving has taken it's toll on most of us too. I know I am no where near the fun loving woman I was before Rich got ill and our whole world changed in a second. When we heard the cancer diagnosis, and then heard that it was pancreatic cancer, I knew that it was not curable. And I knew we would be in a fight like never before in our lives. I went to every doctor appt., every surgery, every chemo treatment. I sat by his side through it all. He told everyone that I was the best wife he could ever ask for. But I still feel that I failed him by having to put him hospice for the last 33 days of his life. I could no longer care for him by myself and I could not afford in home nursing care beyond what Hospice could give me. I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. But you know something I have just noticed this weekend? That I now laugh at funny commercials or comedy on TV. I can not tell you the last time I laughed. So I really think some of the fog is beginning to lift for me. I still don't feel I am even close to being out of the woods on this journey, but I can see some sunlight. I wish the same for you Frank. I will keep my prayers coming for you.

Hugs!!

Comment by Diane C on September 23, 2013 at 4:46pm

Hi Wilela,

I didn't know that you were a Grandma to triplets!! That must have been very interesting to say the least. I only visit occasionally, and it is definitely chaotic, but I must say it is very controlled chaos. Thankfully Brian was there to go through this with you. It is a blessing for those grandchildren to have known their grandpa. That was a very interesting story you read and told about the lady that left her body and had to come back during some very serious surgery. Thanks for sharing that with us.

Take care!!

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 23, 2013 at 2:13pm

I had a reading by a recommended psychic who draws the subject whilst she is giving the reading.   She is based in the US so you can imagine how much it all cost.   The picture duly arrived and boy was |I disappointed.   It was nothing like Morley and |I bawled by eyes out.   I contacted her and told her and she says it rarely happens but does sometimes and refunded the drawing part of the cost but that just wasn't the point I really wanted a drawing of Morley to prove he was still around me and she could see him and it would reaffirm that he was waiting for me .   The CD arrived yesterday and that is a whole different ball game.   I have listened to it five times.   She got that he was definately not ready to go and tried his hardest not to and had to be dragged as he didn't want to leave me.   She said he is hovering over me always and is waiting for me and will take my hand when my time comes.   The picture of him would have made the whole thing so worth while but I suppose the CD being so right is better than nothing so I don't feel so ripped off as I did when I saw the picture.   The only thing is that I have been ripped off from UK customs and excise as whoever filled in the form put the decimal in the wrong place and instead of $16 it has come out looking like $160 and that automatically put me in the bracket of a bill from customs and excise.   I can try and get it back but I am not holding my breath.    I talk to the students tomorrow  morning so please, all my friends keep rooting for me that I do a decent job of it

Comment by Carol Kayser on September 23, 2013 at 1:16pm

Hi all, I wondered why the site was so quiet but now I am realizing I haven't been receiving my email updates.  Any idea how to get those back? 

 

Thanks, raining here and dreary, not great for a Monday!

Carol

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 23, 2013 at 11:36am

DID anyone see the film: “The Sessions”? WOW! what a good film of humanity.

I saw it twice just to hear the poems and in some strange way pay listen to those who live without the human touch. I have lived without the human touch for over a couple of years now....its not easy! on top of our grief, we feel extra lonely too--that is totally different layer of loss of a companion.

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 23, 2013 at 11:32am

Frank, thank yo for your warm words of understanding and for continuing to share your own heart and sorrow.

I have one reply to “maybe one day I will smile again” etc.

As you know: I dont want to smile again! not without my Barry!!! another day in “what the heck am I doing?”
thank you Frank. v

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 23, 2013 at 11:28am

Marsha, I hope you feel all better soon!

I know how it feels to feel awful and it sure helps when people show some tender care. Also, try some herb tea for relaxing and hydration. OJ too.
Blessings and healing hugs, V

Comment by Frank Andrews on September 23, 2013 at 8:50am

Vee,

 Your description of being angry, sad, secluded, forgetful, etc. is everything that I also feel at one time or another and I'm sure that we all have the same feelings. Mine is especially guilt over the way she was medically treated and things not done and unsaid words.

 You are right in that we lived and loved as though there would ALWAYS be a tomorrow and facing the problems of everyday life kept us from ever imagining being without our spouse. Even in the last week as she gave up on fighting to live, I could never be angry with her as none of what happened to her was her fault and she was in so much pain. One of her good and religious friends said that she had become "soul weary". The endless tears we all shed now is a tribute to the love we shared and every minute of our lives together (good and bad) was well worth it and a blessing to have. 

  I can hope that someday you will smile again with children, grandchildren, or maybe even grandchildren sitting on your lap.  We all think of our mortality now and it should help us to lead a better and more caring life. As individuals, we all wonder just how long we will go through this almost unbearable journey in life after such a loss. Maybe some who have gotten better can return to post some encouragement to those of us who see not much of a future ahead.

  Depression is the cause of our not caring about the house, yard, shopping, even just cooking meals, and so on. I know I am depressed and who among us is not at one time or another. We just have to take it day by day and hope for the best to happen.

  I also think and am concerned about the many friends on the forum who have helped so much here and about the ones who have left and how they are doing. All I can do is wish everyone  some days of peace and without pain.  Hugs.

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 22, 2013 at 8:18pm

Frank,

It is still really recent since your darling passed on. I hate it too! I am angry, sad, secluded, forgetful, disinterested, anxious, depressed, hopeless, NUMB, selfish, guilty feeling, empty, PO’d even at my B.

I hurt reading your post. It freaking sucks! You talked about the past, etc. I am morbid now about past and passing time. After we lose a lovedone, we become so cynical and confused, as to as if were worth the tears we feel now? Do you think it’s worth it anyone here?

I admit even as a christian, I know that even with faith, I am still in a lot of grief. And we all manifest it differently. And no matter where we believe and hope our faith will lead us to, we still have to walk through this now. I am so cynical and feel like “what was the point of Barry n me?” Suppose I were to think logical: we all know we are all going to die, yet we live and love as if it will last forever. We dont seem to appreciate our lovedones FULLY or as purely until they are forever gone from our physical world. So! we love eachother as hard as we can for the short breif moment we have on this eart. IT’s so dam short!

Frank, Im sad too. I worry about you now and hope and pray that you find some peace if even for one day. I also resent that we “Might one day feel healed” that ticks me off! that I can even imagine ever smiling again. I miss someone desperately. He was my rock!! I am so freaking spacey and uncaring in doing anything in my house, yard, shopping, making dinner. etc. 

Frank, may the love you two shall share always comfort you and hold you. Sad.

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 22, 2013 at 12:33am

Marsha, tomorrow will be a littlle better...you can come here anytime and bawl your eyes out. And also let it all out. I had a bad last few days but mine was due to my health and a an apex of pain. I miss my beloved who would take care of me when I was in a pain flare...now when I go to the pharmacy on my own, etc I fele the void even more.

DID YOU get the groceries back? I am very absent minded myself. And stress can do this, and loss brings sooooooo much stress. I learned in psychology that the loss of a spouse/loved one is the top number one stressor in a life. So please, try to find a way to still commemorate the special dates and the times you had. I wish you a better day tomorrow. Treat yourself to a cup of tea, or an ice cream or even a new blouse...I know it sounds silly! but my Bee used to take my shopping and I went on my own tonight and went into the same dressing room when Id go with him and then model the new clothes---its’ awful! BUt for me, going to the same places helps sometimes. too....xoxo blessings, take care Marsah

 

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